6

Odenite camp, outside Kirlan

“KNOT, I WISH TO speak with you.”

Knot turned to see Cinzia. He had been absorbed in watching the maneuvers of the guard force. They had found a space in the fallow land that stretched out before Kirlan’s walls, away from the general hubbub of the Odenite camp. He signaled to Eward, indicating the lad should take control of the training exercises.

“At your service,” he said. The Outsider’s attack a few days before had shaken Cinzia more than most. She kept insisting on discovering more about the Nine Daemons, but didn’t seem to have much to go on. Knot sympathized with her—she wasn’t wrong, they needed more information—but it was useless to spin a wheel that didn’t touch the ground. They had other problems, ones they could actually do something about, that needed addressing first.

“Walk with me, please,” Cinzia said, and began moving away from the training Prelates.

Knot fell in beside her. It was a warm day, the sky cloudless above as the sun arced into the evening.

“Astrid has not returned?” Cinzia asked, voicing his thoughts.

“Not yet.”

She had left on her little spying mission late the previous night. This was not the first time the girl had taken her time on such a task, but worry clouded Knot’s emotions anyway.

Cinzia cleared her throat. “I must admit, I…”

Knot glanced at Cinzia, waiting for her to finish, but she didn’t.

“You what?”

“I believe I misjudged her,” Cinzia said. “I still do not understand how or why she is what she is, but… it was wrong of me to assume.”

Knot grunted. “Ain’t me you need to say that to, I reckon.” There was a long line of people who needed to make that kind of apology to Astrid, and Knot was one of them. But it only did good if they actually said it to her.

They walked in silence for a few moments. Knot enjoyed Cinzia’s company, whether they were speaking or not. The woman had a calming effect on him. Made him feel more himself.

As they fell out of earshot of the others, Cinzia spoke again. “I’d like you to be my Goddessguard, Knot.”

Knot continued walking in stride with her. “Didn’t think having a new Goddessguard was something you’d take an interest in, all things considered.”

“What do you mean by that?”

Knot cleared his throat. Kovac, Cinzia’s previous Goddessguard, was a sensitive subject for her. “I mean a few different things,” he said slowly. “You cared for Kovac. What happened to him must’ve been rough on you, to put it lightly.”

Cinzia nodded, but did not respond otherwise.

Knot continued. “And now… you’re no longer a priestess, last I checked, and only the ministry in the Denomination have Goddessguards. Unless Jane has revealed something different?”

“Unless we uncovered something different in our translation, you mean?”

“Sure,” he said. “That, too.”

“The text says nothing about Goddessguards, for or against. Neither has Jane. And, honestly, I do not care. I think it is something I need.”

Knot raised an eyebrow. “Something you need, or something you want?”

Cinzia sighed. “Need, want. I can hardly tell the difference anymore. I need someone I can confide in. Someone who will be on my side.”

“I’ve got to be your Goddessguard to do those things for you?”

“No.” Cinzia frowned. “That… that is not what I meant. My relationship with Kovac was important to me. Right now, I question many things. I feel better about a lot of things, too—my relationship with Canta, and my faith, but… but I still wonder about Jane. She should be the closest person in the world to me, and yet I feel we grow further and further apart every day.”

“That can’t be easy for you.” He meant it. Truth was, he felt the same thing happening between himself and Astrid. There was something between them, some invisible wedge that drove them apart, no matter what either said or did. “And that’s why you want me to be your Goddessguard?” he asked.

“And to protect me, of course. And Jane, and the other disciples.”

“I already protect you,” Knot said. He was already willing to do all she asked. Why did she need the label to go with it?

“I think it might be good for me, Knot. For both of us.”

Knot let out a deep breath. Beside him, Cinzia stopped. They’d reached the edge of the forest, sparse undergrowth sprouting before them.

“I’m grateful for our friendship, and I’ll protect you,” Knot said, “but I don’t think I need to be your Goddessguard.”

Cinzia looked down, and for a moment didn’t say anything. Finally, she met his eyes. “I understand,” she said, with a slight nod.

“Do you?”

Cinzia shrugged. “It is not something I wish to impose on you, or anyone, for that matter. Kovac chose to be my Goddessguard, after I asked him. I would never have it any other way with you. If you choose not to do it, I cannot hold that against you.”

“There’s more to it,” Knot said. “I’ve been a lot better since the cotir healed me.”

“You have. As much as I hate them for what they did to us, in a way I’ll always be grateful. They made sure you could stay with us. Permanently.”

Knot understood the sentiment. The Nazaniin cotir that had healed him of his fits—Wyle, Cymbre, and Jendry—had also hidden their ulterior objective to assassinate Jane. Jane and Cinzia had defeated them, but the duplicity still stung. Even more so when Jane had insisted they let the cotir go. She had reasoned that the Nazaniin would no longer cause problems for the Odenites, and while Jane had a suspiciously good track record when it came to such statements, Knot hated the idea of Wyle, Cymbre, and Jendry wandering the Sfaera as they pleased.

Nevertheless, here Knot was, more stable than he’d ever been. He hadn’t experienced a single episode since Wyle had guided him through the stabilization process.

“There’s more to it,” Knot repeated. “Other people taking over my body ain’t a worry of mine anymore, but that’s given me time to think about other things.” He hesitated. He had yet to say this out loud to anyone. He might once have told Astrid, but the gulf between them felt unbridgeable at times. But he wanted to express it now. With Cinzia, it felt… it felt right. “I’m nobody, Cinzia,” Knot finally said.

“Knot, that is not true, you are—”

“Don’t mean it in a derisive way, darlin’. Just in a factual way. I’m just… no one. I didn’t lose my memories; I just don’t have any. I don’t have parents. I don’t have ancestors. I’m in a stolen body, and it was never mine to begin with.”

“But you have done so much good.”

“Ain’t sure good and bad has much to do with this,” Knot said. It’s about identity, he wanted to say.

“And you worry that if you say yes to being my Goddessguard, you might not discover who you are?”

“That’s about right,” Knot said, surprised at how astute Cinzia’s observation truly was.

“I think I can understand that,” Cinzia said. “If you ever do find yourself…”

“I’d be privileged to serve as your Goddessguard,” Knot said, and realized he meant it.

“I would be privileged to have you. But you should not feel any pressure from me,” she added quickly. “I do not need a Goddessguard. I can do what I need to do on my own. I just thought…” Cinzia trailed off, and Knot did not know what else to say.

So he turned back to the camp. “We should get back,” he said. “It’s growing dark, and I have business to attend to.” He needed to find out where Astrid was, and whether she’d discovered anything about the garrison in Kirlan.

“As do I,” Cinzia said, her jaw set. Knot almost asked what business that might be, but refrained. They walked back to the camp together, in silence.