Cupboard Cubbies
When our children were growing up, I found a great way to keep the kitchen countertops from becoming a dumping ground. I decided to clear out one cupboard per child in the kitchen where I could stash their stuff. Over the years they could be found squatting at their cupboard sorting, stuffing, or cleaning it out. If I found something lying on the counters that belonged to one of the kids I would open their cupboard and pop it inside—out of my sight and off my mind! Tears still come to my eyes when I recall my daughter’s wedding day. I can still picture her sitting on the kitchen floor in front of her cupboard for the last time. She has three children of her own now. I wonder when they’ll get their cupboards? Maybe I should make one for each of them at grandma’s house!
Judy Warmington
Woman Time Management
Hudsonville, Michigan
www.womantimemanagement.com
The Tendency to Overdo
Now more than ever before, moms and dads are working themselves to death helping the kids work themselves to death with clubs, classes, teams, church activities, school activities, and extracurricular school activities. For many it is a modern lifestyle choice. Many parents feel they should give their children opportunities in many different areas, that they should help create memories that their children will carry for a lifetime.
Families with several children are hard-pressed to coordinate their schedules. Because of working schedules and safety factors, adult-supervised activities are becoming more common. In many areas, neighborhood life has changed. Few kids are home in the afternoon, so supervised and structured activities outside the home are becoming the norm.
When parents and young children spend time sitting through sports activities of older children, waiting for their classes to finish, and traveling back and forth, they are experiencing an away-from-home lifestyle that begins to be hard on everyone. When activities multiply and younger children can’t be left home alone, they are overstressed and fatigued from traveling around with a parent, depositing and waiting for the older children. The family van becomes a moving but inadequate family room. Time, which in the past was spent face-to-face in personal contact, is now spent hip to hip, facing forward in the car, at games, or at other activities.
Not that all of this is bad. Often, the children are benefiting. But the question is whether the frenetic schedule is too high a price for the benefit. The children are building memories. They become accustomed to and learn to love the stimulation, but some parents, looking back on their own more tranquil childhoods, wonder if the memories of their children will be meaningful ones.
Fatigue and Time Pressure
The basic question in families is how they will use the time they have been allotted. Dr. James Dobson, psychologist and founder of Focus on the Family, states, “Time pressure will tear a family apart quicker than anything else.”[1]
Speaking of the one factor that has done more damage to families than any other, Mark Twain stated that scheduling too much was “the almost universal condition of fatigue and time pressure, which leaves every member of the family exhausted and harried. Many of them have nothing left to invest in their marriages or in the nurturing of children.”
Fatigue and time pressure—if it was a problem in Mark Twain’s day, what is it in ours? Let us bring balance to our lives so that we can invest in what is important. Like a tornado, modern life slings family members in different directions from the core of the home. Once started, it is difficult to slow down. Only by careful and determined planning can meaningful family life be preserved.
To increase quality time, pare down extraneous activities to a minimum and engage in family activities to the maximum. Use the house as a good clean canvas on which to paint the value and pleasures of family life.
If your present way of life relies on a crowded calendar, perhaps even color coded, to keep you on schedule, perhaps you need to consider whether there are activities that could be jettisoned from your life. Do the hard job of picking the top 20 percent that give 80 percent of the satisfaction, and eliminate the rest.
Slowing Down
Slowing down is just what many families are doing. More and more parents are questioning this full-steam-ahead way of life. After trying to have it all, many are waking up to the unreality of that goal. Choices need to be made, peripherals need to be let go, and activities that reflect core values must be embraced more tightly.
There seems to be something of a trend toward the value of family time, tradition, comfort, and sacrifice of individuals for others in the family. Businesses are becoming more flexible, providing time for special family activities. Mothers and fathers who would not previously have taken off time for children’s activities (or if they did kept it quiet) now do so openly and perhaps proudly. Stay-at-home moms, and even stay-at-home dads, say with their actions how much they value their place in raising their children. And though I know of no survey on the topic, I suspect more desks in the world of commerce, which were formerly devoid of any distraction from the business at hand, now display family photos.
Home Becomes More Important
Sometimes parents schedule outside activities because they are fearful that if their children stay home, they will waste time watching television or playing electronic games. To avoid this, parents need to declare technology-free hours. With no technology and no scheduled activities, won’t children become bored if they have no diversions? Actually, boredom, rightly used, is very beneficial. It forces children to tap into their creative juices and develop their inner lives. When C. S. Lewis was bored as a child, he created an imaginary world, which later surfaced in the Chronicles of Narnia.
It is not easy to make the change and slow down. During the transition to more home-based activities, parents need to provide suggestions, props, games, building or art supplies, sports equipment, or whatever it takes to ease the child into imagination and creativity.
As the value of the family ascends, so does the importance of having a nice home and of working together as a team in the home. “Housework” is not something unpleasant Mom does and tries to rope the kids into when she can. It is the whole family working together toward a mutual goal of preparing a place of comfort and harmony “for the betterment of all who dwell therein.”
What Do You Want?
Dream a little. If you had that magic wand so often spoken of when people are wishing for more in life, what would your wish be for your family? The possibilities are so broad. What are the first three things that come to mind that you would like for your family if changes were easily made with no effort on your part?
The Bare Bones Way
Depressurizing schedules is the basis of the Bare Bones process, but it is not the whole story. What moms, and dads to some extent, want is more prosaic and practical. They really want cooperative kids who will keep their rooms neat and help with household chores in a responsible way. If kids were to do those two things, most parents would be delighted.
This does not happen automatically. The dynamics of getting the family to help isn’t complicated, but for some moms, applying simple organizing rules is not easy.
These first two postings from the trenches express how many moms feel from time to time.
IN THE TRENCHES WITH SMART HOMEMAKERS
From Susan:
I am overwhelmed! Never realized it was so overwhelming until I sat back and listened to Focus on the Family radio program this morning, and today I am staying home from a Moms in Touch rally that I have been looking forward to because once again the house is too messy for a good mom to leave it like this to face “after school” and a busy weekend. Ugghhhh . . .here we go again . . .
From a Mom of Seven:
I am a 41 yo homemaker with 7 children. Fortunately I don’t homeschool and currently I only have my 2 youngest home with me all day.
Keeping up with 7 kids and a 2400 sq. ft house is overwhelming, especially when I’m the only one picking up and cleaning. If it gets too far gone, my husband helps.
I’ve tried all the lists, the chore charts, taking their things, grounding them, etc., and nothing has motivated my family so far to help me. Some of them have even gone so far as to remove cleaning instructions from the walls where I have posted them. If I ever figure who did that, someone will be in big trouble.
I need help in “organizing” my life and my home so that I’m not mortified when someone pulls up in my driveway or when my kids want to have company (which by the way I do not allow because their rooms are always a wreck and they just don’t care).
It’s up to Mom to step in to move things in the right direction. What does it take to move from being overwhelmed to being in control? Just applying rules? It is not as simple as it seems because the secret is first of all attitude and secondly the will to take control. Only after these are in place, do the rules become important.
These moms have decided to train their families to be responsible.
From a Stay-At-Home Mom:
I decided I am not responsible for every little thing in the house, just because I’m the stay-at-home mom. So, every one has chores, even 4 yr. old. She swiffs (mops with a Swiffer), puts laundry into the front-loading washer, and puts her clothes away from the dry clothesbasket. If you have several children and a husband, you shouldn’t have to do anything but cook, maybe vacuum the main rooms, and oversee everything else. You don’t have to do it all! So what if the vacuuming they do isn’t perfect? You didn’t have to do it. So what if the dusting missed a little spot one week? They’ll catch it next time. Children can properly do anything you inspect and expect. My little one keeps her underwear sorted in baskets she can reach—it took me weeks to get her trained, but I no longer do it for her. I don’t put my husband’s underwear away either—that’s his job.
On the Toy Patrol:
One thing that really helped me was to go thru all the toys and get rid of most of them! I got rid of all the toys that they just picked up, looked at, and dropped. I only kept the educational toys and books and the toys that had multipurpose ways to play with them, like Tinker toys, Duplos, blocks, train set, Lincoln logs, car rug, and cars, etc. Just the creative ones. We also have the rule that they can play with only one thing at a time, unless they’re playing with 2 things together. So they have to pick up the toy they’re finished with before they go on to anything else. No snack, etc. unless they pick it up. Otherwise they get sidetracked and I’d forget about it in another room and then they’d be another mess out someplace else! It takes some time bending over them at first, making sure everything gets picked up, but then they get in the habit of it.
“Rules” That Work:
I wash clothes that are in the hamper.
Everyone puts away their clothes from the basket.
Everyone carries their own dishes to the kitchen after eating.
Put away what you get out when you are through with it (when you go to bed, you’re through! This requires having a home for everything & dumping things with no home.)
No snacks in bedrooms.
No sticky drinks in the car.
Do it now. (This refers to spills. Clean them before they get tracked all over.)
Plan for as much as possible, but don’t be too busy to play.
I never thought I’d have routines or rules like my Cleanie mother, but it certainly has helped. I don’t panic anymore when people are about to drop by (which is good since our house is on the market). The odd thing is, I have just as much time for sewing as I did when we spent 30 minutes every day looking for lost things!
From Jennifer:
Well, we have been playing “decently and in order” while cleaning the living room for about 21 days now. I think I need to play it a little longer, though the girls get excited when we clean it that way because it seems soooo much easier.
We were able to do the dining room, kitchen, living room, hall, and entry in 45 minutes. That included vacuuming and mopping. (And not one argument from them about the tasks— maybe aliens took them over.)
Making It a Game:
I decided to play this game with all the kids. My 4 year old is the only one who really understood, but that was okay. I set the timer (oven timer) for 5 min. and said we had to pick everything up off the living room floor before the timer went off. After 5 minutes were over and we had raced around trying to hurry before the timer went off, we had made so much progress and she enjoyed it so much, we decided to set it for another 3. By this point most of the room was picked up and I was able to vacuum.
Kids’ Memorabilia:
What about your kids’ trophies from all of their sporting events? I hate the thought of throwing them out, but the kids are older now (21 and 18), and they don’t want them. One thing I will suggest to those of you with younger kids. Whenever your kids come home with a project or paper they are proud of, take a picture of them holding it. Even a trophy. Had I done this all along, I wouldn’t be having this dilemma of what to do with all of this childhood stuff. I’m so bad, I have teeth, hair, shoes, etc. but don’t know what belonged to who . . . sigh.
Your Family Can Help
Teach your kids and husband how to help out! Be honest. Is there a perfectionist in you that won’t allow anyone else to do something if the results are less than perfect? Do you keep doing certain chores because you think you’re the only one who knows how to do them right? Well, think back. How do you learn to do things? How many mistakes did you make? Let go and let your family learn, not just from your example but by trying things themselves. Kids can do laundry and help with cooking, cleaning, and yard work. It teaches them not only how to actually accomplish certain tasks but also that families are teams and need to work together. It allows them to contribute to the team effort. It has never hurt anyone to discover that there is no housekeeping fairy who magically sees that it all gets done. Your kids’ future mates will be grateful. And aren’t there times that you wish someone had taught your husband that having someone to pick up after him is not his God-given right?
Spotlight on Hubby
The marriage counselor asked Sharon what it would take to make her realize that Jake really loved her. How would she like him to express his love to her? She replied that, as much as she appreciated flowers and kind words he brought to her office with a flourish, what she really wanted was for him to take the initiative in doing the routine, necessary jobs around the house. She worked a full-time job as did he. She was just as tired as he was. She needed part of his time and energy so that she would have more of her own. Compared to that gift, flowers, candy, and the like came off as penny-ante stuff in her view.
Most men don’t realize how much women need and want support in the home, not only for practical reasons but as an expression of caring. A recent study indicates that women are more amorous with husbands who do inside housework because it telegraphs “I love you” in a genuine way.
Maybe Jake substituted the traditional flower expressions of love for the meaningful work expression that costs him more than a bunch of flowers (welcomed as they might be from time to time). Or perhaps he is pretty disorganized himself and doesn’t know how to help. Or possibly Sharon needs to communicate with him what she needs in a way that makes sense to him. As she discovered later, Jake resented being told what to do no matter how sweetly expressed, but he loved written lists and would vigorously go about doing anything to happily cross those jobs off his list.
Whenever two people work together on one project, various complications need to be addressed and worked out to the benefit of both. That is particularly true when the project is a day-to-day, shoulder-to-shoulder activity, such as maintaining the house.
There are two ways the house relates to the family: The house supports the family, and the family supports the house.
The House Supports the Family
The house plays an important part in the life of the family as a whole and of the individual family members. To do its job well, the house must look good and work well.
When you as an adult walk into the house away from the troublesome world outside, you need the comfort of an environment that visually supports your spirit. You need a place to which you are proud to invite friends. You want a place that works well for you, where you can find things easily and do jobs efficiently.
Little kids want to be able to have friends over to play. Although it is not well developed, on some level children make judgments about how nice a house is. In their innocence, a young one who visits may say, “This house is messy.”
Teens are sensitive to everything in their lives, including the condition of the house. They want a teen-friendly house into which they can invite their friends. Many alert parents even want to lure their child’s friends into a teen-friendly house so they can get to know their child’s all-important peers.
The Family Supports the House
Having no strength or will of its own, the house relies on the family to take care of it properly. Principles on how to do this is what this book is all about. Read my book Neat Moms, Messie Kids[2] for special ideas on how to rally the fam to work together as a team in keeping the house in order and running well.
The key principle here is that those who benefit from the house (insert here the names of all of your family members) are a part of the maintenance of how it works and looks. Too many family systems throw the weight of the house entirely on the back of the “woman of the house.” While it is true she may be the manager, coach, owner, or however you want to put it, of the team, she is not the team and she certainly can’t play all the positions. In some households it even begins to look like the mom is the clean team and the family members are the opposition dirty team.
Nothing could be further from the truth. The family team ought to work together to win. Winning is defined by having a house that looks good and works well with minimal effort (the Bare Bones Way) on the part of everyone. If, in their immaturity, family members don’t appreciate the value or importance of a well-kept house, it is the job of the coach (that’s you!) to inspire them.
Tips for the Fam
Decision Time—Choose Your Top 20 Percent
This chapter has been full of ideas for the family. Making sure the family functions well, while caring for the demanding needs of children, is complex. Probably your family life doesn’t need a complete overhaul, just a few limited, yet important, alterations.
As you read this chapter, perhaps you reacted emotionally to certain parts about being too busy. You may have said, “Yes! That’s it! That is definitely my problem!”
Or perhaps it was just an “Umm, that’s a good idea. I think maybe I will make that change.”
As you focus on what will most positively impact your life, look to your emotions, what you are drawn to, your “gut feeling” about what one or two changes will be best for you and your family.
The following are two important changes in our family life that I will try to make:
1.
2.