Test Match Special has always been about more than the cricket. Often, in between balls, the commentator’s eye is taken by something unusual, whether that’s in the stands, on the outfield, in the sky, or the roads around the ground. There have also been endless breaks for rain and bad light, during which TMS often comes into its own.
REX ALSTON: Now he’s holding the play up for something unusual. It looks like a mouse running across the field! Is it? It’s gone to Dexter who’s picking it up. Yes, it looks like a mouse. Yes, it’s run up to the stumps now … Well, that’s quite an invasion. Looks rather a big mouse … Mouse Stopped Play.
England v Pakistan, Lord’s, June 1962
JOHN ARLOTT (on Clive Lloyd’s hundred): And the whole crowd seething with West Indian delight. I can only say it was worth this; it was worth the treatment it’s getting. I thought I saw a policeman applauding.
Australia v West Indies, World Cup final, Lord’s, June 1975
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TONY COZIER: The West Indies have declared and Tony Greig has gone on his hands and knees and to the delight of the West Indies spectators, now smiling all over his face, gone on his hands and knees and for three or four paces has, in his own words, ‘grovelled’ in front of the West Indian spectators … That was a good little touch by Tony Greig and I think the West Indian supporters appreciated it.
England v West Indies, The Oval, August 1976
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JOHN ARLOTT: The other hazard at the moment is a colony of silver gulls, several hundreds of them. At first they pitched on the top of the stand as if they were vultures recruited for Lillee …
Australia v England, Melbourne, March 1977
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HENRY BLOFELD
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CHRISTOPHER MARTIN JENKINS: The sun beginning to get just a bit lower, the shadows lengthen to almost the same size as the men who are throwing them.
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On hearing a loud voice in the crowd …
JOHN ARLOTT: We’ve got a beauty of a loudmouth over in the Mound Stand now, talking pure alcohol. Hear that? Worse than the Sydney Hill but fewer in number. 95 for 2.
England v Pakistan, Lord’s, June 1978
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HENRY BLOFELD: Oh look, another claret-coloured bus. I love these claret-coloured buses. They give me all sorts of ideas …
England v India, Trent Bridge, August 2002
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BRIAN JOHNSTON: The pigeons have shifted now to behind mid-on. I don’t know who gives the signal, when they’ve consumed the number of … I don’t think it’s worms, I think it’s seeds they go for … You think pigeons don’t eat worms? … They must do?
BILL FRINDALL: I think someone wrote in and said they’re not carnivorous.
BJ: Which means they wouldn’t eat worms. I bet if I offered a worm to a pigeon he would eat it. Would you get one for me? One of Blowers’ thoughtful looking pigeons … we’ll offer it a worm. I bet it would eat it.
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Brian Johnston was a fan of the daytime soap opera Neighbours …
BRIAN JOHNSTON: Oh, a bit of bad news. Nick in Neighbours has sprained his ankle falling off his skateboard. Oh dear, well these things do happen. Here’s Kapil Dev …
BILL FRINDALL: How many people in the cast of Neighbours?
BJ: About 12, active ones.
BF: One down, 11 to go then.
BJ: He’ll be all right, old Nick. He couldn’t go in the race and Matt took his place and I haven’t seen if he won.
UNKNOWN: Do you really watch that programme, BJ?
BJ: Yes … and a friend of mine overlooking Green Park is putting every single one down on video for me for when I get back. There’s been a lot of events going on there. Jim’s tree was cut down, that was the trouble.
UNKNOWN: I don’t know what you’re talking about.
BJ: A lot of people do listen to it. It’s a very serious programme.
UNKNOWN: Do you watch Coronation Street as well?
BJ: No no no, I only watch Neighbours. But when one’s at a Test match one can’t do it. I’m delighted to be at the Test but I like a report day-by-day …
England v India, 1990
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HENRY BLOFELD: A policeman comes tripping down the grandstand balcony there, coming down the steps at the double. Now he’s walking on to the scaffolding. I don’t know what he’s doing. Rather urgently he’s walking … [he commentates on play] … Our policeman is still perambulating at some speed. He’s just passed another cover, three members of the groundstaff, a television crew and a tractor. Now he looks like he’s got some very definite object in view … [he commentates on another passage of play] … Our policeman did reappear then and walked off, left-right-left, very formidable, behind the sightscreen. PC 49 we might get him on the right-hand … there he is, he’s appeared – how exciting! He’s passing some colleagues sitting on a bench there – doesn’t even give them a look. Here comes Jones, bowls and Lamb uses his feet and drives for four. Hadlee dives to his left at mid-off and can’t get to it. And the policeman … Look! It’s bobbled over the rope and the policeman has gone under the tarpaulin there, he’s taken his helmet off and he’s fielded the ball! What a splendid journey our bobby’s had. Do you think he’s enjoyed it?
England v New Zealand, Lord’s, June 1990
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HENRY BLOFELD: A low-level pigeon goes past almost hugging the ground, having a look at the members in the pavilion. A lady in a bright orange shirt walks up the seats there in the grandstand balcony … she’s got a large pigtail too …
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HENRY BLOFELD: The first aeroplane of the season has just disappeared behind the block of flats at the far end of the ground, on its way towards Heathrow, and Javed has a wild drive. He wasn’t anywhere near it I think, which is just as well for him as there are four avaricious slips waiting for the edge …
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HENRY BLOFELD: Oh, look, I’ve actually just seen a crane at Lord’s moving, doing some work. I’ve seen cranes all round this ground for years and they’ve always been still. That white one there is moving … a moving crane, a yellow helicopter, what more has play got to offer?
BILL FRINDALL: Rain.
HB:
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NEVILLE OLIVER: The City of Sheffield Centenary cake has just been carried in … by horse and dray. And Gooch defends away in the off side and there’s no run. Can you really lift that? You’re a strong man. It’s the biggest cake I’ve ever seen.
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The final afternoon’s play was abandoned as the result of a dramatic storm, at which Henry Blofeld gave one of his most vivid commentaries …
HENRY BLOFELD: Looking at the stand to our right people are huddled up against the back of the stand [loud crash of thunder] and the thunder and the lightning, you can hear it in the sound effects … When you look to our left, there’s a half-built stand, the girders are there like scaffolding, it really does look like a bomb has [enormous crash of thunder] … ooh, and there’s another one. Now you look out on the ground and before long it’s going to be under water. Down on the right-hand side there are great long pools of water inside the boundary rope and the rain is sweeping in great drifts across the ground. There are terrific puddles at the far end. I can’t see in front of the hill there because there simply isn’t any light at all.
VIC MARKS: Double wipers weather, isn’t it, Henry?
HB: Oh, yes, it is. It’s absolutely amazing and I wouldn’t have missed this for the world.
Australia v England, Brisbane, November 1998
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CHRISTOPHER MARTIN JENKINS: Well, as it’s raining, I’ll read you the full regulations – see if you can understand it. ‘Play shall continue on each day until the completion of the minimum number of overs. On days other than the last day, a minimum number of 90. On the last day, a minimum of 75 or 15 overs an hour, er, other than the last hour when clause five below shall apply.’ And clause five below says [nervous laugh], I’m going to thoroughly confuse you now, ‘Laws 17.6 and 17.7 will apply. Except that a minimum of 15 six-ball overs shall be bowled in the last hour.’ In other words, this is nothing to do with the rain at the moment, er, on the last day now they are having 15, not 20 overs in the last hour … ‘If at any time after 30 minutes of the last hour have elapsed, both captains accept there is no prospect of a result to the match they may agree to cease play at that time …’
ASIF IQBAL: Right, which means that at half past five, if they agree to call it off, you can. You don’t have to go on for one hour …
CMJ: Yes, that’s right [laughter in the background]. But there is a new ruling on the additional hour [laughs].
AI: Which is?
CMJ: ‘Except in the last hour of the match …’ [laughs] Excuse me, ‘in the event of play being suspended for any reason other than normal intervals’ [pauses] … ‘the playing time on that day shall be’ [laughs] I’m sorry … there’s mirth at this. These regulations can always cause a little confusion …
AI: That’s the reason I’m asking you and I’m sure the listeners would also like to know.
CMJ (reads again): ‘The playing time shall be extended by the amount of time lost, up to a maximum of an hour.’ In other words you can have an additional hour …
AI: I see …
CMJ: I think that Alan Curtis was telling me earlier today that that applied on the last day as well …
AI: Right, but I think as we see now there’s every likelihood it may not apply here because the sun is out and they are taking the covers back so hopefully we don’t have to go into it and confuse ourselves as well as the listeners.
CMJ: Well, that’s a great relief to us all, certainly. It was a very brief shower and the sun is now brightly out and I hope everyone at home is now completely understanding of the crystal-clear regulations which I read out. 421 for 6 is the score and we have succeeded in reducing even Asif Iqbal to giggles.
DAVID LLOYD: He’s just left. He’s enquiring what day it is …
CMJ: Well, I think it’s Monday.
England v India, 1990
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HENRY BLOFELD: And a rather portly gentleman in yellow – or would you call that orange, Foxy [Graeme Fowler]? – chemise is getting an enormous cheer. He’s a carrying a tray with five, no, six pints of beer. I dare say he’ll be very popular when he finally arrives at his destination. And, yes, well, jolly good luck to you, sir.
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JONATHAN AGNEW: A vicious-looking insect appears on our window here. We’re used to seeing flies, maybe the odd wasp in a commentary box, but I hate to think what that is.
BARRY RICHARDS: It’s a monster, isn’t it?
JA: Not sure what it is.
BR: He’s on the outside, Aggers, don’t panic.
JA: That’s all right, I’m just checking the area is completely sealed. I think it is. We don’t want that flying around in here … it’s got six legs, must be at least an inch long, with these enormous antennae … This is played off the front foot by Kallis up to short extra cover and there’s no run.
South Africa v England, World Cup, Guyana, March 2007
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CHRISTOPHER MARTIN JENKINS: The horrible sight of a rather obese Englishman in what appeared to be underpants, but are very, very short shorts indeed. Anyway, that was on the television …
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BRIAN JOHNSTON: A streaker has arrived … a very, very obvious streaker. He’s running on and he is holding some kind of hat in his hand. He has socks and shoes on and I don’t know what he’s going to do when he gets to the stumps … nothing. He’s talking to Jack Russell and he’s got his gloves on. The umpires don’t quite know what to do. He’s going to trot off, making a dignified trot across to the square-leg umpire. I don’t think he’s been sunbathing much he’s bit lighter down the backside than the rest of his body. And he risks … oof … he climbed over the board, and it was higher than he thought and it was a little bit painful for him I think. You heard the ooh from the crowd …
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