BRIAN JOHNSTON
England v Australia, Headingley, July 1961
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BRIAN JOHNSTON: It’s going to be Snow to the crouching Henry Horton who looks like he’s shitting, er, sitting on a shooting stick, without the shooting stick.
Sussex v Hampshire, Gillette Cup quarter-final, Hove, June 1967
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BRIAN JOHNSTON (Glenn Turner had been hit in the box by the fifth ball of the over): It looks as if he’s going to try and continue, though he still looks very shaken and pale. Very plucky of him. Yes, he’s definitely going to have a try. One ball left …
England v New Zealand, 1969
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BRIAN JOHNSTON: Do you know of any bowling mums in this country?
TREVOR BAILEY: Can’t think of any.
BJ: What about Penny Cowdrey? Didn’t you hear about her performance against her son’s school at Broadstairs last week?
TB: No.
BJ: Really!? I’m surprised you didn’t hear about it. I’m told her swingers were absolutely unplayable.
Date unknown
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BRIAN JOHNSTON: You’ve come over at a very appropriate time. Ray Illingworth has just relieved himself at the Pavilion End.
Date unknown
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BRIAN JOHNSTON: Goodbye from Southampton and now over to Edgbaston for some more balls from Rex Alston.
Date unknown
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JOHN SNAGGE
Yorkshire v Leicestershire, Headingley, May 1946
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BRIAN JOHNSTON: Bill [Frindall] needs a small ruler. How about the Sultan of Brunei? I hear he is only four foot ten.
Date unknown
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JOHN ARLOTT: Bill Frindall has done a bit of mental arithmetic with a calculator.
Date unknown
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Christopher Martin Jenkins was renowned for being disorganized and tardy. Occasionally he could even forget where he was …
BRIAN JOHNSTON: What an occasion here for Trent Bridge … This is the 150th anniversary … Saturday was the exact day 150 years ago when play first took place at Trent Bridge in 1838 … Christopher Martin Jenkins will be starting the commentary … good morning to you, Jenkers.
CMJ: Good morning to you, Brian. Good morning to everybody. Lovely it is to be back at Old Trafford … [laughter] Lovely it is to be back at Trent Bridge in a special year …
England v West Indies, Trent Bridge, June 1988
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BRIAN JOHNSTON: Meanwhile, Botham had been joined by Lewis, and Botham in the end out in the most extraordinary way.
JONATHAN AGNEW: The tragic thing about it, he knew exactly what was going to happen and he tried to step over the stumps and just flicked a bail with his right leg.
BJ: To be honest he tried to do the splits over and unfortunately the inner part of his thigh must have just removed the bails.
JA: Yes, he just didn’t quite get his leg over.
BJ: Anyhow, he did very well indeed, batting 131 minutes, and hit three fours, and then we had Lewis playing extremely well for his 47 not out …
JA: [laughs]
BJ: Aggers, do stop it … And he was joined by DeFreitas, who was in for 40 minutes, a useful little partnership there, they put on 35 in 40 minutes and then he was caught by Dujon off Walsh. Lawrence, always entertaining, batted for 35 … 35 minutes, hit a four … over the wicketkeeper’s … Aggers, for goodness’ sake, stop it … [laughs uncontrollably].
JA: Yes … Lawrence [laughs uncontrollably].
England v West Indies, The Oval, August 1991
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Trevor Bailey’s nickname was the Boil …
BRIAN JOHNSTON
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JONATHAN AGNEW: ‘The cranial capacity of a skull can provide a reasonable estimate of the size of an animal’s brain.’ So there we are – Humpty Dumpty was quite clever, I think that means … Humpty Dumpty bowls … or Warne bowls [laughs]. Don’t believe I said that … I’m hoping the tape recorders in the van weren’t recording for that particular moment. Oh, yes they were … I’ve got a feeling that moment will come back to haunt me at some stage. Oh dear.
DAVID LLOYD: That really could be a champagne moment. ‘Humpty Dumpty comes in to bowl …’
England v Australia, 1993
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CHRISTOPHER MARTIN JENKINS: Two slips, third man, [hic]… deep gully, cover, mid-off, mid-on, square leg and long leg the field [hic]. Excuse me, I have got hiccups for some reason. That’s fielded at cover by Ramprakash. I’ll try to time my hiccups so it’s not when I’m talking …
TREVOR BAILEY: Now if we pushed our scorer out through the window and he was disappearing, you’d have a shock then …
BILL FRINDALL: I haven’t got hiccups!
TB: But that would shock him!
CMJ: It would be really rather amusing.
England v Australia, 1993
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JONATHAN AGNEW: [coughs] Excuse me [voice is husky] … next ball, oh [coughs] my throat’s gone … Peter Baxter with a drink, thank you …
GRAEME FOWLER: It’s the shock of remembering one of your Test wickets which finally got to you …
JA (voice back to normal): Must be one of those thunderflies which have been flying around the past few days, and went in the wrong way.
GF: Plenty of room to get in, though, wasn’t there?
Date unknown
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BRIAN JOHNSTON: 104 for 2, taken the lead up to … one hundred and ninety … one.
FRED TRUEMAN: Are you sure?
BJ: Yes. More or less. 87 add 4, 191.
FT: Well done. I mean, how much money did they spend on your education to get you to that height, to add 87 to 4?
BJ: I don’t use computers or anything.
FT: Neither do I.
BJ: The Bearded Wonder does. You ask him to add 37 to 38 and he won’t be able to without putting his fingers down on those things. I can tell you straight away that it’s 77.
BILL FRINDALL: It’s 75.
BJ: Well, it’s very near …
Date unknown
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DON MOSEY: So, as the umpires, who are Dickie Bird and Barrie Meyer, come to the middle and that massive erection at the City end of the ground comes into view, I will leave Brian Johnston to describe that and other matters to you …
England v West Indies, 1988
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CHRISTOPHER MARTIN JENKINS: This time Vettori lets it go outside the off stump, good length, inviting him to fish but Vettori stays on the bank and keeps his rod down, so to speak … [starts to laugh]. I don’t know if he’s a fisherman [giggles …] [regaining composure] 208 for 6 as Broad from the Pavilion End comes in again [laughter in the background] … a lot of cricketers are fishermen … he bowls …
England v New Zealand, Lord’s, May 2008
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JONATHAN AGNEW: Just a warning for those of you who are coming out, and I know many of you are coming to Calcutta for the third Test match. They are taking sun cream off you as you come into the gate, which is not very funny actually in this part of the world. So if you can try and plot something deviously under your duvet, some means of bringing it in, because you do need it. Disguise it about your person or something. I don’t think they’ll necessarily give you an intimate search, and I don’t mean that intimate, but I think if you were cunning, you could probably, er, anyway I making a mess of it here … that’s outside the off stump and Pietersen flashes at it and it’s taken by Dhoni.
VIC MARKS: Thank goodness Ojha came up to bowl again.
India v England, Mumbai, November 2012
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VIC MARKS: By and large he’s done a pretty good job …
JONATHAN AGNEW: Oh my word! I’m sorry … something hideous has flown in … and it’s enormous … It’s a bird. Help. Hang on … What sort of bird?
VM: Well, I don’t know what sort of bird …
JA: Whoa!
VM: … but it’s gone. It’s flown out of the window.
JA: I haven’t ducked like that since Sylvester Clarke bowled me a bouncer.
VM: The trouble is there was no short leg for you to aim at really.
JA: Phew …
VM:
• • •
HENRY BLOFELD: In the rear, the small diminutive figure of Shoaib Mohammad, who can’t be much taller than he is.
Date unknown
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After watching Kevin Pietersen replace the grip on his bat, Aggers had been discussing the difficulties of applying a new grip.
JONATHAN AGNEW: Michael Vaughan is beside me. It’s not easy putting a rubber on, is it?
MICHAEL VAUGHAN: No, it’s not. I was never very good at that. [Laughter]
JA: You know what I meant.
MV: Shall we move on?
England v Sri Lanka, Lord’s, June 2011