part0011

Several years ago, I was invited to be a guest on The Oprah Winfrey Show to talk about the Law of Attraction. Joining me onstage were Martha Beck, the author of Finding Your Own North Star: Claiming the Life You Were Meant to Live; and Louise Hay, the author of You Can Heal Your Life and the founder of Hay House, the publisher of this book. During the show, as we talked about using the power of the mind to direct the course of our lives, Louise repeatedly emphasized the importance of learning to love oneself as a prerequisite to attracting joy, abundance, wellness, meaningful experiences, and the like.

Over and over she suggested that, on a daily basis, audience members and viewers practice saying “I love you” when looking in the mirror. By the end of the show, I thought, I need to pay attention to what she’s talking about.

At the time, Louise was 82. A wise soul, she was a woman who lived an extraordinary life that inspired millions. I was moved and impressed by her conviction about the power of mirror work. After all, it speaks to the importance of self-love and self-acceptance, which I consider to be the foundation of Extreme Self-Care. So, right then and there, I made a decision to take Louise’s advice to heart. I would start saying “I love you, Cheryl” each time I looked into a mirror every day for a month and see what happened.

For most people, the idea of telling themselves “I love you” as they look in the mirror is a tricky exercise. The thought of doing so can feel awkward or silly. It’s just not an easy thing to do. In fact, for several days after the show, I intended to practice Louise’s suggestion, but I kept forgetting about it. Then one night before going to bed, I was washing my face when I remembered my intention. Finally, with the mirror in full view, I looked into my eyes and said, “I love you, Cheryl.” Immediately I felt self-conscious, as if someone were watching. I tried it again and glanced away, feeling embarrassed. On my third attempt, I found myself focusing on the wrinkles around my eyes, the hairs that needed to be plucked at the edges of my brows, and the way my skin seemed to sag a bit at my throat. Great, I thought. My attempt at self-love has now turned into a critical assessment of my aging process. I was failing miserably.

What’s so silly about telling ourselves that we love ourselves? Why is it so difficult to do something that’s seemingly so simple? Because looking at ourselves intently, especially into our eyes, is a profoundly intimate act. As often as we use a mirror to perform grooming or maintenance tasks, rarely do we ever stop to gaze into our eyes for longer than a few seconds. When we do, there’s no hiding. Most of us come face-to-face with the truth that we’ve abandoned that person we see in the mirror.

I know that as I stared into my own eyes and repeated the phrase “I love you, Cheryl,” I had to confront the fact that the statement didn’t ring true. The reality was that I saw flaws long before I felt love. And that’s the point. To practice Extreme Self-Care, you must learn to love yourself unconditionally, accept your imperfections, and embrace your vulnerabilities. From a spiritual perspective, it’s about recognizing that you’re a soul in a physical body who’s here to learn to be more of who you really are. When you treat and view yourself with the respect you deserve, you experience the peace that comes from being present to yourself. The reason it’s so hard to look deeply into your own eyes is because it forces the ego to step aside as you experience a moment of seeing your true nature: a spiritual being housed in a physical shell.

After hearing how serious Louise was about the mirror exercise and seeing what she’d created in her own life, I felt inspired to take it seriously, too. So for the next 30 days, I decided to stick with it—I wanted to see what would happen if I practiced it on a consistent basis. Every time I came in contact with a mirror, I would look into my eyes and say, “I love you, Cheryl.” Whether I was washing my face, driving my car, trying on clothes in a dressing room, or looking at my reflection in my computer screen, I tried to look beyond the typical critical thoughts to the essence of who I was. By the third day, something interesting started to happen.

Each time I said “I love you, Cheryl,” I felt a little less awkward and a little kinder toward myself. It still wasn’t easy, but it was getting more comfortable. By the end of the first week, I noticed that the critical voices in my head had started to soften. When my mind drifted back to my flaws, I’d gently refocus my thoughts and remember that I was learning to love and accept myself rather than taking an inventory of what needed to change or improve. During the second week, this kinder, gentler perspective began to radiate out into my daily life. I was becoming more patient with others as well as myself. I was now able to steer my mind to the present rather than worrying so much about the past or future. And I was less apt to push myself to do things I didn’t want to do. Hmm, I thought, maybe this exercise isn’t so silly after all.

As I continued the practice over that month, an internal shift occurred. I started to develop a deeper, more loving relationship with myself. I noticed that whenever something happened that was stressful or upsetting, it didn’t bring me down so much or stay with me so long. Instead, I remained calm and steady . . . more able to find my center. When something frustrated me, I stopped feeding on the drama and just let it go. If someone said or did something hurtful, I spoke up right away. I also began to care more about what went into my mind and body, from avoiding depressing or violent news to choosing more nutritious food.

And as I kept on practicing the mirror exercise, I began to see a more loving part of me reflected in other areas of my life—places I hadn’t considered or paid attention to before. For example, my husband and I had adopted a beautiful blue/gray Chartreux cat that we found at a shelter. As we grew to love this kitten we named “Poupon,” I could see how I had changed. The way I treated Poupon was how I was learning to treat myself.

It’s amazing how pets can help us see the love we have to give. It certainly has for me. When I’m with Poupon, I use a gentler, sweeter tone of voice. I love feeding him healthy meals and giving him fresh, clean water during the day. I always take the time—no matter how busy I am—to play with him and give him the attention, care, and exercise he needs. And if he does something wrong like break a glass or knock over a plant, I simply clean it up and patiently guide him away from the mess. I never berate him for making mistakes.

Just as my cat is a wonderful mirror for how I need to treat myself, you also have a mirror that reflects a more loving and tender side of you. Perhaps it’s your child, grandchild, or garden. What you care for most, in a loving and patient way, holds clues to how you need to care for yourself more consistently.

The longer I used the mirror exercise, the more I began to see that an important shift was under way—a shift from good girl to good mother. On a fundamental level, that’s what Extreme Self-Care is all about: extraordinary mothering. A good mother knows what helps a child feel whole in every way. She develops a finely tuned sensor that lets her know what her children need; and using a loving, discerning eye, does her best to meet these needs.

As I thought about the concept of being a good mother to oneself, I was reminded of an experience I had while talking about Extreme Self-Care at Kripalu, a retreat center located in the beautiful Berkshires of western Massachusetts. As I often do during my retreats, I played a favorite CD—Mother Divine , by Kurt Van Sickle—a chant to help listeners quiet their busy minds during a meditation exercise. Just minutes after it started, several people began to cry. Looking around, I thought about the number of times I’ve watched this happen over the years. Again and again, as I played this particular music, men and women would be moved to tears.

Now, on this day, after the meditation came to an end, I waited several minutes before asking the group to talk about their experience. Many members commented that the music evoked a deep sadness—a longing for a connection to a maternal presence that would hold them, care for them, and provide them with comfort. Some spoke about a hunger for a kind of mothering they never received growing up. As I listened to their stories, I felt a deep sense of compassion for their pain. We all wanted and needed the same thing, and that’s what Extreme Self-Care can provide for us: good mothering.

While the idea of doing mirror work may seem more like a Saturday Night Live skit (remember Al Franken’s portrayal of Stuart Smalley?) than an act of self-love and acceptance, I challenge you to do it anyway. For each of the next 30 days, make a point to stand or sit in front of a mirror, look directly into your eyes, and repeat out loud, “I love you, [insert your first name].”

Regardless of how awkward or silly it feels, repeat it anyway. Repeat it until you begin to experience yourself in an intimate way—see the presence that’s deeper, broader, and more expansive behind your physical self. Think of it as moving beyond the personality called “you” and connecting with yourself more deeply at the level of your soul. This experience does take time, so don’t worry if it seems hard. You’ll have an entire month to practice, and there’s no need to rush. For now, just show up and allow yourself to get comfortable with this new level of connection and intimacy.