The sun beat us like we were delinquents.
“I’m sweltering.” Paige wiped the beads of perspiration from her top lip.
“You’re not near as hot as she is.” I motioned to Mother,who was sitting at the base of the East Ruskin Beach Pavilion. She wore a huge hat tied atop her head, and she sat in a fold-up chair, painting the canvas along with six other women and their painting instructor. She was dabbing at her face with a handkerchief, but it was pretty futile, because all of her makeup had slid into one of the creases of her neck.A crease she would assure you did not exist.
“Why is she doing that?” Paige asked.
I pondered the situation myself. “She’s into torture for some odd reason.”
“You two are going to look fifty by the time you’re thirty,” Amber surmised from beneath her umbrella, while eating a Milky Way.
“Who cares?” I mumbled. “We’ll be living together in a retirement village. The only two we’ll have to look at is each other. At least we’ll think we look good.”
“Besides,” Paige interjected,“why come to the beach if you’re not going to lie in the sun?”
“To see the sights, of course,” Amber responded, looking at Mother across the sand and shaking her head. Now, that was a sight if ever we’d seen one.
I was running and it was dinnertime. That only meant one thing: perilous times. The last two days had been too much. The abandonment of every dream I had ever entertained. Every emotion. Every thought. Every buried feeling that had tried to resurrect itself was officially placed right back in its grave. Today, people mocked me instead of mourned me. At least they did in my head. And a very imaginative head it was, I’d come to discover.
On top of that, I had written and submitted my second article. That led to a horrible phone call and a tongue-lashing and a rewrite by 10:00 p.m. or else. It was five o’clock, and I had nothing.
I passed Adam again. How does something so perfect go so wrong? How can you think you have a love so secure and certain only to watch it disappear as suddenly as it arrived. Love is cruel and mean, and who would want it?
I jogged away to the secret place I had discovered on the outskirts of Water Colors yesterday morning with Joshua. I just wanted to be there. Maybe I could understand a little better there. Wynonna sang to me from my iPod.“Heaven Help Me If I Ever Lose Your Love.”The words reverberated inside of me. Long gone was Barbra Streisand singing songs from Yentl.
As I stood on the edge of the dock and looked out over the glassy water, I watched a turtle’s head bob up for a second, only to disappear before I could catch a closer look.
“Well, aren’t you Mr. Lucky today. You can just bury yourself.”
He didn’t respond.
The thoughts, compounded by the music in my head, must have camouflaged the clip-clopping of high heels that sneaked up on me. When the perfectly manicured hand tapped me on the shoulder, I about threw us both over the railing.
“My word, Mother, would you announce yourself first!” I said, pulling the earphones out of my ears.
“If you would actually listen to the sounds around you instead of having your ears crammed full with hullabaloo all the time,you might have heard me. I’ve called your name the last one hundred feet.”
“It’s music.” I turned back to face the water.“Want to tell me how you found me?”
“Want to tell me what you’re doing out here?”
She had followed me. Her question was proof. She had followed people for years. I just never realized until that moment she had perfected the art of spying on me.“Thinking.”
“Thinking about what?”
“Thinking about how life sucks.”
“Savannah Phillips, what did you say?”
“If you would let me finish, I was going to say . . . I was thinking about how life sucks the life right out of you.And your breath smells rank!”
“It’s garlic and parmesan.”
“No? Really? And you ate it yesterday. What should that tell you about that stuff?”
“You are pitiful.”
I didn’t offer a different analysis. That one felt accurate.
“How long have you been in love with Joshua?” She used the tone that she always gets when she’s about to turn into a friend instead of a mother. It’s more sympathetic and not quite as Southern. Imagine that.
I jerked my head around to look into her eyes, which were staring right through me.“I should ask how long you’ve known.”
“Since the other night at dinner.”
“There’s no way.You all thought he was there to see Amber.”
“Give me a break, Savannah. Amber’s the only one who didn’t realize that Joshua wasn’t there to see her.”
Mother’s discernment continued to amaze.“Now, why would you say that?”
“Well, first, because he never looked at her; second, because he only looked at you; and third, because you chatted like Chatty Cathy, which you always do when you get nervous; and fourth, because you ate a total of two bites of your favorite meal around here. And the last one alone would have been proof enough.”
I threw my head down on my arms, which were resting on the railing. “I think I’m completely in love with him. Who knows? Maybe I even liked him the day he almost ran me over and started tormenting me with his quirky smile and his annoying comments. I mean, the day he knelt by my desk and consoled me over my horrible debut story, he was so goofy and charming. And I know you hate him, Mother, but—”
“Savannah, I don’t hate Joshua.” She said this convincingly enough, causing me to raise my head. “Granted, he needs a few minor lessons in editing his pieces before they go to print”—she caught herself—“but I don’t hate him, darling. I don’t hate people. I just deal with them. With whatever means are necessary.” Not that I knew a single soul who wanted to be on the other end of “whatever means are necessary.”
“Well, I hate him!”
“Why do you hate him?” she asked, forcing me to catch a whiff of her parmesan and garlic breath. That stuff was rancid.
“If we are going to talk, you have to promise not to breathe on me.” She puffed harder. She could be completely obnoxious. “I hate him because I’m such an idiot,” I said, slapping my hands on my forehead.“Just a complete idiot.”
“Why do you hate him because you’re an idiot?”
I raised my eyebrow at her.
“Don’t sass me, child.”
“Because he’s not what I thought. And it’s better to find out now than to be like Kate and get married only for him to wake up one day and decide he doesn’t want to be married anymore. Or to be like Manuel and have your spouse get tired of you and have an affair with a . . . with a banker!” I wailed then. Every pent-up emotion rushed to the surface. I lost all control. I had officially become Amber.
“You are not saying Lucy had an affair,” Mother asked in horror.
“That’s exactly what I’m saying. Now your world’s completely wrecked too, isn’t it?”
“Darling.” She laughed softly. “No one is ever what we think they are. Everyone has issues that you won’t know until years down the road.There are things in your father I still uncover every day.”
“Please don’t tell me what they are. I will be damaged.”
“And things don’t just happen in marriage, no matter how much someone wants to believe that. There are always little signs. The pulling away. The silent dinners. The unreciprocated touches. But love requires faith.”
“I’m plumb out.” I sniffled, pulling the sleeve of my T-shirt up to wipe my nose.
“Please don’t ever let me have to observe that again,” she said with her face contorted. She recovered quickly.“Savannah Phillips, you have more faith than 90 percent of the people I know.”
“But not for myself.”
“Well, you’ll never have love if you don’t have faith. And be honest with yourself: you don’t hate Joshua.You’re madly in love with him.”
I sighed heavily.“No, I don’t hate him. I just hate the fact that I’m the only one in this entire whacked universe who actually thought she would marry a virgin. Now, if that isn’t whacked in and of itself, here I’m talking about him being the kind of man I want to marry when we’ve had only one unofficial date. And it wasn’t for hanky-panky, no matter what you might believe.”
“Savannah, don’t mock me.” She nudged my shoulder playfully.“ I know you didn’t do such a thing. I could tell by the look of horror on your face when I confronted you. And it’s okay, darling, to want things in life. It’s okay to want your husband to have never known another woman. And if you feel like that is a criteria of yours, then I will respect that decision as well. But you do need to know that people aren’t perfect, and life isn’t perfect. Even tans aren’t perfect.” She eyed me knowingly.
I eyed her back.“This coming from the woman who married perfection and whose life is perfect.”
“Your father isn’t perfect, despite what you think, Savannah. Now, he’s pretty doggone close, I must agree, but the man . . . well he has his own failures.”
“I don’t want to know them.”
“Okay, then I’ll tell you yours. Yours are thinking that life won’t have them. That marriage is perfect. That you get perfection from imperfect people. No, all you get are imperfect people trying to make things work the best they know. And if Joshua doesn’t fail you now, he’ll fail you later.”
“But what if it’s a failure that leads us to divorce?”
“There are no guarantees in this life, Savannah. People will make horrible choices. Some will ignore every tug on their heart and walk away from everything that is right. But all you can do is make it clear that divorce isn’t an option for your marriage. And don’t get married unless you know beyond a shadow of a doubt that he’s the man destined for you. That kind of certainty will keep you sane when other things won’t.”
She wasn’t to be stopped.“And you’ll fail him. But you don’t have to let something that isn’t perfect keep you from the perfect thing.”
Her words hung in the air like the smell of manure. Hard to handle but full of good stuff for growth.
“What went on between the two of you the other night at dinner, without any words, was exactly what happened with me and your father. I saw a different Savannah.”
“How?”
“I saw your vulnerable glances and how you were completely incapable of keeping your eyes off of him.”
I raised my eyebrow.
“Well, those are two traits lost on you.”
“Wonder how in the world I got so screwed up,” I asked the source of my screwed-upness.
“Some children just learn these things.”Well, that couldn’t be defended. “Joshua loves you, baby girl. I can see it all over his handsome face.”
“Well, love isn’t always enough, Mother.”
“No, the emotion of love isn’t, Savannah. But the decision to love always is. And trust me, many years are spent loving because of decision alone.” She stared at me revealing her own ability to be completely vulnerable.“Just ask your father.”
With those words she revealed that she actually had knowledge of her own imperfections. This changed the playing field.
“But what if I think about it all the time and I can’t ever get past it?”
“Savannah, be serious. Now, how many times have I done things that have hurt you or embarrassed you?”
“You’re not serious.”
“Yes, I’m serious. How many?”
“Numbers don’t go that high.”
She smacked my hand.“Can you remember all of them?”
“Tons.”
“Do you think about them all the time?”
I thought through that one.“Hardly ever.”
“See. Hurts never go away, I’ll give you that.You still remember. Every now and then something will prick you and cause you to remember. But you don’t sit around all day rehashing the hurts of the past. If you do, you have far deeper issues than Joshua and his old girlfriend.”
I leaned across the railing. “So let me ask you this.”
“What, darling?” she leaned in, a little too close. I held my breath.“Ask me anything.”
I knew I could. I knew despite our countless differences that there wasn’t a thing in the world I couldn’t ask this woman.“What if we got married and he . . . he compared me . . . you know . . . to Celeste. What if I wasn’t any good?”
She smiled. Not a Vicky smile. A mother smile.“Darling, if that boy loves you like I think he loves you, he’ll have trouble remembering Celeste’s name. When something is right, perfectly right, it can never compare to what was wrong.”
“You think he’d think I was hot?”
She cackled and threw her head back. Every hair stayed in place.“I think he would think you were totally hot.”
“Oh, don’t say totally.”
“Well, what should I say?”
“Say completely or something, but not totally.”
“Okay, completely hot.” She patted the top of my hand. The sun sparkled on her massive diamond that could have downed a small aircraft.“ Life always has loss, Savannah. But you would miss far more if you let this man go than if you let go of your expectations of him. Because I guarantee you he will not be able to meet them all. But he will tot—completely blow others out of the water. Now, don’t think accepting this will change what it is. If you accept Joshua, you have to accept every part of his past as well. His past won’t change. But I have a feeling it was the past of that man that changed the man.”
I studied her quietly. She let me. Then she kissed me on the top of my head and started back up the long walkway that led out to the street. I turned to watch her go. She could saunter in high heels better than anyone I knew. Until her heel got stuck between two of the wooden slats. She tried daintily to get it undone. Dainty didn’t work. She pulled her foot out of it and jerked the entire thing out of the wood slat. She got the shoe all right, but the heel stayed right where it had lodged itself. She left it. Right there, to be contemplated by a thousand spectators for years to come.And away she walked. One heel touching the ground. The other foot walking on tiptoes. Her sauntering never missed a beat. Maybe Amber was her child. Had she ever worked at a bank?