“Misty, get up. NOW. Something is wrong,” I snapped, grabbing my clothes and jerking them on.
“What?” she asked sitting up in the bed, alarmed. “They’re here?”
Nodding curtly, I closed my eyes and let my senses roam. I could feel five of them and they were close. “Within fifty miles. The demons will be arriving shortly.”
“I thought they would crash the wedding,” Misty said, dressing quickly.
“As did I,” I told her. “Gather your sisters and the rest and meet me on the beach. I’ll get Thornycraft and his comrades.”
“Arses,” she corrected me.
“I’m sorry. What?”
“Arses. They like to refer to themselves as arses. Go figure,” she said with a small worried smile that didn’t reach her eyes.
“Fine,” I said, grinning despite everything that I now held precious was about to be on the line. “I’ll get the arses.”
“How long do we have?” she asked as she sprinted to the door.
“I’d say a half hour at the least. Forty-five minutes at the most.”
“I love you, Archer. If you die today, I will yank your ass back from the Great Beyond and kick it so hard you’ll wish you were never hatched.”
I raised my brow in surprise and laughed. I couldn’t have fallen for anyone other than the crazy emerald green-haired beauty who was threatening my immortal life. She was perfect.
“Right back at you, Mermaid,” I said as I moved to her and swiftly kissed her lips. “You are my reason to live.”
“Keep it that way,” she whispered and then disappeared through her door.
I was going to take a shortcut. Time was of the essence.
“Ye mutiny-minded crow bait,” Upton roared and walloped Thornycraft in the head.
“That’s what ye get fer making me pee my breeches, ye pig perfumed milkmaid. Those were me special breeches,” he bellowed back with a grunt of laughter as he landed an outstanding left hook to Upton’s gut.
The three arses proceeded to beat the stuffing out of each other while laughing like loons as I watched in shock. However, the most alarming part of the scene was the stench. What in Zeus’ Universe was that awful smell?
“Yar a salt crusted, cod faced nard rat,” Bonar shouted as he pinched his nostrils shut and tried to dodge the punches. “Me sinuses are gone. Ye burnt me nose hairs right out of me nose, ye peg legged, sweatered son of a weevil.”
“That’s what ye get, ye greasy haired shite hound,” Thornycraft said, now holding his own nose as well.
“What in tarnation was in ye treasure chest?” Upton asked, also plugging his nostrils.
“Cheese Danish,” Thornycraft announced with a wince and a gag. “Three week old cheese Danish.”
These arses were completely insane. I was fully aware of how much Misty adored Thornycraft, but his idea of a joke was horrifying.
“Love me some cheese Danish,” Bonar said with tears from the stench running down his face. “But when the wee pastry has varmints living in it—not so much.”
“Have ye learned yer lesson?” Thornycraft choked out, unable to stomach his own prank. “Me own little swimmin’ hooker came up with the idea. Misty is an evil genius.”
Hmmm, I took note of that terrifying admission. No cheese Danish in our house. Ever. The arses were so asphyxiated at the moment they hadn’t noticed my arrival. Time to remedy that.
“Gentlemen,” I said, pinching my nose closed. “The demons are close.”
“What? Are ye sure?” Bonar asked. “Methought they would crash the weddin’.”
“I’m sure. Are you three ready to reveal what you are?”
Bonar and Upton, eyed me warily. Thornycraft simply shrugged.
“Arses, he knows.”
“Did ye tell the dingy dangler?” Bonar demanded, slapping Thornycraft with a rotten Danish.
“Nay. The pontoon splinter can see through veil. Don’t know how, but he’s a powerful tar stain,” Thornycraft explained, throwing a pile of the festering dreck back at his friend.
“How about this,” I suggested, snapping my fingers and making the offensive decaying pastry disappear. “You arses get your arses in gear and we go send some demons back to Hades?”
“We won’t be needin’ to reveal our secret, ye scuttle hound,” Bonar said, tentatively taking his fingers from his nose and sniffing the now fresh air. “We’re stronger like we are. If we shift, the size and weight of me arses and me will sink the island to the bottom of the sea.”
That didn’t sound good at all.
“Fine. Don’t shift. It’s me they’re coming for. I want you to protect all the others. I’m on my own.”
“Do ye think that’s wise, pontoon splinter?” Upton asked, narrowing his eyes. “I’ve heard tell of yer prowess, but yar talkin’ demons here.”
“This is my fault. The tear in the abyss is there because I failed my responsibility. No one shall suffer because of me. Period,” I ground out through clenched teeth.
I did not like to be second-guessed. I was a freaking demigod with a reputation as vicious as that of their kind, if not more so. I wasn’t used to anyone having my back other than Apollo occasionally. This was odd and I wasn’t sure if I liked it.
“Fer better or worse, if yar connected to the swimmin’ hooker, yar connected to us,” Thornycraft said with a shrug. “Ye can yapyapyap all ye want, but we’re gonna do what we have to do. And just wait until ye lay yer peepers on me captain, Pirate Doug. That thar bastard is insane.”
I already knew that… well, at least the insane part.
“Fine. Let’s go,” I snapped, feeling strange.
A premonition consumed me and I shuddered. Apollo had seen someone else’s blood and heard my screams. Someone would die today. I was going to make gods-damned sure it wasn’t my Mermaid.
“Five minutes,” I said, closing my eyes and letting my power search the surrounding area.
Misty stood silently at my side. Losing her was not an option. Honestly, I didn’t want her here, but I knew she would never forgive me if I magically sent her away. She was a fierce warrior in her own right. I loved the Mermaid and I respected her. She was mine.
“I need you to grant me your job and I need Poseidon to approve,” I told her.
Nodding unhappily, she spoke. “I willingly give the job of Cupid back to the demigod to whom it has always belonged.”
“I accept the arrangement,” Poseidon said with the authority of the God he was.
“The island is clear,” Tallulah reported with relief. “I sent all the humans on a day trip to the Sea Hag Caves. Bony Velma Dustface has orders to keep them there until it’s safe.”
“Sweet Poseidon in a liquor store,” Ariel gasped and gagged. “Did you send them with nose plugs?”
“Of course,” Tallulah said with an eye roll. “We don’t need to be sued for asphyxiation.”
“I sense five demons,” Poseidon said.
Wally gravely nodded her head in agreement. It was clear that even though she’d forfeited her demigoddess status, the power was still within her.
The Sea God’s Johnson was still in a cast, but he’d had the wherewithal to wear a man diaper over it today. However, it looked like the idiot had a massive erection with the way his dick had been set in the plaster. It took all I had not to laugh at the absurdity.
But today was no laughing matter.
“Five,” Pirate Doug agreed. “But there are more.”
“What do you mean?” I demanded, wondering if I’d misjudged the imbecile Pirate. Could he actually sense something I’d missed? He was in line to become a God sooner or later… hopefully later—much, much later.
“Call me crazy or Sally or Dirk if you prefer—I’ve always thought Dirk was a fine name,” he said absently, narrowing his eyes at the horizon. “It feels like they’re carrying others inside them. Maybe the fuckers are pregnant—or cannibals.”
That gave me pause. The Pirate was indeed crazy, but he might be onto something. Demons were hatched. Pregnancy wasn’t a possibility. Females were never sent to this plane as they were far too valuable to be destroyed. The cannibal theory? That I could believe.
The question was, were they carrying dead demons or live demons?
“That’s how they multiply,” Thornycraft stated flatly. “Ye have to destroy ʼem before the nards multiply.”
“What’s the best way to destroy them?” Madison asked, armed to her teeth.
The pink-haired Mermaid looked like the Terminator with breasts. I was even a bit frightened of her.
“They have to be banished back to Hades by a god or demigod,” Poseidon said. “Which means, me, Archer, Wally and Pirate Doug.”
“Holy shite,” Pirate Doug shouted and started high fiving all gathered. “Do you hear that shite? I’m a fucking god. But wait… What about the dick thing? I’m gonna have to pass if I have to handle any nards.”
No one wanted to touch that one and no one did.
“Wally’s a demigoddess?” Misty asked. “I thought she gave up the status to watch over the idiotic nard hole.”
“Is she talking about me?” Pirate Doug asked.
“She is, sweetie,” Tallulah said, patting his back.
“Just checking,” he replied with a grin, clearly still high on the fact that he was a God.
“Once a god, always a god,” Poseidon said, rolling his eyes at his son. “Gods forbid.”
“Aye.” Thornycraft stepped in. “Little pink swimmin’ hooker, yer job will be to make sure the cutlass flappin’ riff raff don’t multiply before the gods can banish the shites with magic.”
“Got it,” Madison said with a thumbs up and a bloodthirsty grin on her face.
“Incoming,” Misty shouted pointing out at the waves. “Demons on the surface! I love you, Archer. Don’t die today.”
“Roger that,” I said as I drew on my power within. “You will not die either. Clear?”
“Roger that,” she said with a wide grin as she prepared to fight.
I just prayed to Zeus both of us were telling the truth.