“Why aren’t you happy about the werewolves joining the fight?”
Austin frowned. “How did you know about that?”
I pointed to my ears. “I’m a vampire now, remember?”
“Of course, I remember.” Austin slumped against the seat, staring out the window.
“So? About the werewolves?”
He sighed. “I thought you weren’t speaking to me.”
“I’m not, but this isn’t about anything personal. It’s about strategy.”
“Fine.” He faced me. “I don’t want them to join us because I don’t want to owe Rhys anything else.”
“Do you think he’ll ask for more land?”
“Oh, I know he’ll ask for more land. That’s not the problem.”
I waited for him to continue.
“I made a vow, Blake. He stole you from me, and I promised to punish him for it. What sort of leader am I if I don’t honor my word?”
“A smarter one than you are right now, I’d say.”
His jaw dropped. “I beg your pardon?”
“You need as many allies as you can get. And the ones you keep are the most precious.” I poured myself another cup of blood. Being hungry was not helping my attitude. “I would say it’s time to evolve past the notion that keeping vows is your most important goal.” I ran my gaze up his uniform to his tense lined face. “There are things that are more important. Like loyalty.”
His eyes flashed. “Are we done talking now?”
“We are done in all sorts of ways, Your Highness.” I turned back to the window. If he wasn’t going to listen to reason, what was the point?
Although I refused to speak to him, His Highness’s close proximity kept him firmly in my thoughts. How did we get to such an impasse? I felt as though there were a glacier between us, radiating unbearable cold.
I sniffed the air. It didn’t smell like cold. It smelled like Austin—that heady, earthy scent that I loved. I would have pinched my nose shut again, but I didn’t want to field questions about it.
But his smell reminded me of so many things. Try as I might, I couldn’t stop the flood of memories. The first time I’d met him, at the palace, he announced that he wanted to meet the loons who would marry his brother. Oh, that seemed like a lifetime ago! He’d asked me to stand up to better inspect me—he’d never seen a woman as tall as me before.
I remembered that day so clearly—the sun on my face, the way I’d felt when I’d first seen Austin. He’d had his shirt off and was sparring with a guard. I’d quite needed to fan myself. I remembered telling Gwyneth later that I’d never had a physical reaction like that to someone before. She told me Austin was opposed to her engagement to Dallas because she was a human.
I should have known then to stay away. I was human, after all. But no—I had to go and fall in love. And look at us now. I was a newly turned, clueless vampire who’d almost died from a rock to the head. The prince mulled his options about killing the werewolf leader who’d just pledged his loyalty—and all because of an old grudge, one that hardly mattered anymore.
Austin had vowed to kill Rhys because of me. What was the point? It was the same me who was sitting next to him, the one he couldn’t stand to look at.
I leaned forward to the driver. “How much longer?”
“Not too far now. Just another few hours.”
I grimaced as I sat back against the seat. I stole a glance at Austin. He had his head back and was staring at the ceiling.
Oh, that iciness between us. Before, it had always been heat. I thought of the ball Austin had thrown, a proper Northern party. How we’d danced that night! I could still feel his hands on me and the way he’d held me so protectively as we twirled endlessly around the dance floor. Then we’d swum in the pond in the moonlight, and I’d finally been able to put my hands on that glorious chest of his—
“Blake. You should drink more.” Austin put another cup into my hands.
I nodded and took a sip. The blood soothed me, making me feel stronger, making the tugging of the memories abate.
He peered at me. “I know we’re not speaking, but may I ask—are you feeling all right?”
“It’s getting better.” I turned away. I was sure these things took time. All of them.
But as I stared out the window at the overgrown forest, the flood of happy memories swept over me again. I’d expected, as a vampire, to be devoid of such humanness. But apparently, that wasn’t the case. Scene after scene played in my mind, washing over me like a wave I couldn’t escape.
Austin letting me keep Beast.
Austin showing me his basketball court. How proud he’d been! He was thrilled to share it with me, as if he were a little boy showing me his most beloved toy.
Austin losing at basketball. That might be my favorite.
Austin telling me that he loved me, saying that I was perfect just the way I was and that he wouldn’t change a hair on my head.
I relived every minute of our last night together, when he’d held me against him and I’d fallen asleep in his arms. He was the only person I’d ever let into my bed, who’d ever held me like that.
He was the only one I’d ever wanted.
His hand was spread out against the leather seat. Part of me—the sad part, the part that wanted to take up residence on Memory Lane—longed to reach out and hold it. I’d thought that we would always be together. And now that my life had changed and forever meant something else entirely, we had never been further apart.
I suddenly felt very lonely. Loneliness meant something different when you put it in the context of eternity. I turned back to the window so that he wouldn’t see me cry. When we got to the palace, I would hide away. It wouldn’t hurt this badly if I never saw him again. Then I could just remember the happy times, of which there were many. Maybe someday he would forgive himself for what he’d done. And then, perhaps, he could forgive me.
We spent another grueling, silent hour until finally, the brush around the side of the roads began to lessen. “We must be getting closer.”
“It won’t be long now.” Austin’s tone was impossible to interpret.
I glanced at him. “D’you hate me now?” The words tumbled out before I could stop them.
“Blake.” His face crumpled. “I could never hate you.”
“It feels as though you do.”
He put his hand over mine. “Never.”
“Well, that’s good.” I withdrew my hand, not wanting to ask more of him. I couldn’t bear to feel his skin against mine—it made me ache. “I can at least live with that.” I tried to keep my chin up. I refused to cry anymore.
“Blake, look at me.”
I turned toward him, careful to keep my emotions in check.
“I could never hate you.” His gaze, so familiar and dear to me, burned into mine. “I hate myself for what I did to you.”
I took a moment to compose my response. “If I’d been able to speak at the time, I would’ve asked you to change me. I wasn’t ready to…say goodbye. You might not have known, but I was aware of what was happening. You did exactly as I wished.”
His face softened. “You are more kind than I deserve.”
“Austin. I do not understand you.”
“I promised you, Blake—I promised to protect you with my life. Yet I am the one who put you at risk. I asked you to help with the prisoner, and she turned on you. You were helping me. You were, I understand, trying to help her. All of your light and goodness—everything that I love about you—was used against you.” His voice cracked. “And then I sealed your fate by ending your life.”
The prince put his face in his hands. “I told you before that you were perfect and that I would not dare anger the gods by changing you. But in the end, I was too selfish. I could not bear to live in a world without you.”
“Then why have you cast me out?” I cried. “I am sitting right next to you, Your Highness, yet it’s as though you’re a million miles from me. I have only wanted you by my side during this difficult time. Again—I do not understand you!”
“You believe me foolish for taking my vows so seriously.” He looked at me in anguish. “But that is how I live my life, Blake. My word is all I have. The fact that I’ve failed you again—you, who I love more than anyone—has brought me to a place of great despair. If I cannot trust myself to protect the one I love the most, what good am I as a leader or a man? It would only be what I deserve if you turn away from me.”
I shook my head. “But I haven’t done that.”
He roughly wiped his face. “I found you holed up inside this car, sneaking away from the North without even saying goodbye.”
“You haven’t looked at me in days. I thought you’d be relieved to have me out of your sight.”
“You thought wrong. Even if you won’t have me anymore, I will always protect you.”
“I never said I didn’t want you anymore.” I swallowed hard. “That’s your line, I’m afraid.”
“Blake.” He put his hand over mine.
I didn’t want to feel the familiar heat between us. I didn’t want my eyes to well up with tears. Yet both things happened simultaneously.
The driver rolled down the screen. “Your Highness, I just got a call. The king awaits. He’s had word the rebels are marching.”
Austin thanked him, his jaw tight. He turned to me. “I know this will be difficult for you—Gwyneth is here. I haven’t spoken to her yet.”
“Let Eve tell her what’s happened to me. It might be easier coming from her, friend to friend.”
He nodded, not letting go of my hand as we pulled down the long drive that led to the castle. “I meant what I said, you know.”
“Which thing?”
His gaze burned into mine as he gripped my hand. “Everything. All of it.”