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Holiday Dilemmas
The results are in and the news is shocking. According to the National Retail Federation, the average spending per person for Christmas 2010 was $719.[1] The most popular gifts were clothing, books, CDs, DVDs, videos or video games, toys, home-decor-related items, and jewelry.
And how did we pay for all that loot? Americans added more than $2.3 billion to their credit-card debt in December 2010 alone![2] God only knows how much of that staggering increase remained unpaid six months later.
I know a thing or two about extreme holiday spending. For years I did my part to keep up with national averages. And it nearly killed me. Extreme comes quite easily for many of us in these days when credit is so available. Merchants are foaming at the mouth for us to accept creative billing, new lines of credit, promises of zero interest, or no payments until years from now.
But what if we decided to take Christmas to the other extreme? We could take our cues from those who’ve bucked the trend—and found unexpected joy as a result.
In the tiny tome Hundred Dollar Holiday, author Bill McKibben offers a simple and inviting strategy for handling the most complicated holiday of the year—Christmas. He argues in favor of spending only one hundred dollars. “The Christmas we now celebrate grew up at a time when Americans were mostly poor . . . mostly working with their hands and backs,” he writes. “If we now feel burdened and unsatisfied by the piles of gifts and over-consuming, it is not because Christmas has changed all that much.” He adds, “It’s because we have.”[3]
One reader wrote about her best Christmas ever—the year when her father lost his job. Rather than grouse about being poor and pitiful, he declared that everyone in the family would still exchange gifts. The catch? They could spend no money at all. Christmas morning was more magical than any she can recall before or after. Her prize gift was from her father: a wristwatch he found in the trash, lovingly disassembled, cleaned, repaired, and polished to a more glorious condition than new.
Another family made the bold move that among their rather large extended family gifts could not be purchased new. That still left many options for holiday shopping, albeit off the beaten path: garage sales, thrift stores, even the givers’ own attics and basements. Everyone spent far less but became far more engaged by pouring their hearts and souls into finding a uniquely perfect gift.
Over and over again the stories I receive from people who choose to give gifts in a manner contrary to what our highly commercialized society would have preferred reveal some kind of magic. Choosing to go against the tide of extreme shopping, they find a new kind of joy. They learn things that they never knew before about the people they love. Hidden talents rise to the surface; creativity is ignited. Excitement and anticipation are reborn and pressure relieved.
Just think. If you have the courage to lift the financial burden from the next holiday season by setting new extreme ground rules, you won’t create new debt and you won’t rip through your savings to buy gifts for people who probably won’t even remember what you gave them come January. But most of all, for perhaps the first time ever, you will really enjoy the season, knowing that you’ve made an extreme move to change it up—to do everything differently.
Gift-Giving Dilemmas
There is no way I could possibly list all of the various family situations and dynamics that come into play around the holidays. But allow me to mention a few. If your particular situation is not mentioned, go ahead and add it in as we wade into this matter. I’m sure it is just a variation on a more general theme.
Usually, family angst springs out of the matter of gift-giving. And the larger the family, the more conflict likely to arise—conflict that is nearly always tied to money. Here are a few typical scenarios.
Limiters versus balkers. Large families usually have at least one member who tries to convince everyone to limit gift-giving in some way so as to relieve the financial pressure of exchanging individual gifts. And without fail, there will be at least one member who balks. The balker thinks the one suggesting a way to cut back is cheap and selfish. The limiter is just sure the balker is in debt up to her eyeballs and that she wants everyone else to join her. The limiter sees the balker as wanting to impress everyone with her limitless wealth, while the balker feels ripped off and dissatisfied because she’s the only one who really cares enough to give spectacular gifts. This situation creates hard feelings, resentment, and dread.
Singles or childless couples versus large families. Oh, this is a touchy one! This scenario involves a rather large family with lots of cousins and grandchildren. Invariably, there will be at least one single adult and/or a couple with no children. The family with eight children sees no problem giving the single person or childless couple one gift from the entire family but fully expects individual gifts for all their kids. If you’ve experienced this, you know what I’m talking about. If not, just imagine.
The financially challenged versus big spenders. In this difficult situation, someone in the family circle is quite well-to-do and also generous with the wealth. Read: great gifts! And that makes the financially challenged family nervous. They don’t know how to respond except to assume they need to exchange gifts in the same price range. When they are unable to do that—or they go into debt in order to keep up—it can create all kinds of negative feelings.
Okay, so how close did I come to hitting on your personal situation? Of course, there are variations on these themes. I’ve heard of families in which the parents are wealthy and all the adult children are starting out on their own without the financial resources to pony up gifts worthy of the parents’ approval. Or maybe the kids are lavish with the gifts but the parents are unable to respond in kind. Whatever the arrangement or division of resources within an extended family—as uneven as it may be—a lot of energy is wasted trying to get this gift-giving thing just right.
New Ways to Give
What we need are ways to deal with these kinds of unreasonable expectations, guilt, and hurt feelings. And the solution begins with courage—courage to give as you want to give, not out of guilt or expectation; courage to spend what you can on what you desire, not what others say you must.
You need courage to get creative, to try something new, and to be patient while others get on board with your brilliant ideas. Easier said than done? Perhaps. But give things a chance. I think you will be amused if not pleasantly surprised to learn what others have done and with great results. If not, at least you will be entertained. And you’ll have plenty to talk about.
We have a tradition in our home that has been going on for more than thirty years. When our boys were only toddlers, we and our best friends, who have three children just about the same ages as our boys, decided that we would have a family Christmas party early in December. We called it a family party even though the two families are not technically related. We invited two sets of grandparents and one other older couple as well. Our common bond? Five adorable kids and all the grown-ups who love them. Everyone dressed up, and the children performed their current talent. We had such a great time that we decided to make this family Christmas party an annual event.
That first year there were a few gifts—mostly small things for the children. But somehow over the years, the gifts grew in both quantity and quality. Last Christmas this event passed the thirty-five-year mark. Four of the five babies are now married with babies of their own. Lots of kids! Four grandparents have died, so the family dynamic has changed tremendously. But still the family Christmas party goes on. And every year the problem arises: what to do about gifts?
I give you this background so you can fully appreciate what happened a couple of years ago. The host (we switch hosting every year) mailed instructions for how the adults would exchange gifts (everyone would still bring gifts for the children). She put all the names of the adults into a hat and drew one for each. The instructions stated that we were to shop and “buy” for that person what we would if we had all the money in the world. How? Find a picture or other visual representation of the object. The instructions explained that we should come to the party with our gift properly wrapped and be prepared to give the reasons we chose it.
The day the instructions arrived in the mail, I got a call from my mother-in-law, Gwen. She was livid! “What on earth is this all about?” she queried. “Has Kathleen lost her mind?” For days Gwen was agitated and quite upset. She was happy with the person’s name she drew but not at all happy about this ridiculous non-gift way of giving a gift. I tried to help her think outside the box of typical Christmas gifting. But she was not at all enthusiastic.
There were a few other grumblers, but mostly everyone was willing to try. I did notice a lack of enthusiasm, especially in my immediate family, and I was slightly apprehensive too.
The night of the party there was an air of cautious anticipation, but no one was more visibly excited than my mother-in-law. I figured she’d done what she’d threatened to do: bring a store-bought gift in defiance of this ridiculous idea.
As people opened their gifts, the fun began. One flying enthusiast got a new jet. Wow, it was a beaut. It came as a framed picture complete with a list of amenities. Others received beautiful new homes, luxury automobiles, a complete domestic staff, diamonds, golf courses—the sky was truly the limit! And then Wendy opened her gift from Grandma (my mother-in-law). I tried not to look for fear it was not at all in keeping with the night’s theme. But to my surprise, Gwen had spent days preparing a small scrapbook filled with beautiful pictures she’d found in magazines and catalogs, carefully picked out just for Wendy. It was a moment to remember as Grandma so proudly gave Wendy all the things she knew she would love.
Not only was that the best gift exchange ever, but I also learned something important. Buying a gift is too easy. Creating a gift—even if it is cut from the pages of a magazine—requires the giver to think about the recipient and open his or her heart to that person.
What a memorable gift exchange we had. No one overspent, no one went into debt, no one went home with yet another dust catcher. There was no guilt, no unmet expectations. It was a sweet and carefree time to share the best gifts we could think of—things that would please and delight others. And no one enjoyed it more than my mother-in-law, whom we all agreed was the best gift-giver of all.
Don’t wait. Start planning now. Contact your family members to see what creative ideas they can contribute. Don’t worry. I have a feeling they are going to love your suggestions for how next Christmas you can spend less to enjoy more.
I don’t profess to have the answer to every family’s gift-giving situation. But I can share general guidelines, principles, and ideas from other families who have solved their situation, replacing gift-exchange strife with satisfying joy.
Members of Debt-Proof Living online offer these great ideas for big groups:
In recent years on Christmas Eve, I have followed the tradition of reading aloud to my family from Laura Ingalls Wilder’s Little House on the Prairie. For me, it is a great story of the spirit of giving, the importance of family, and the joy that comes from simple gifts (a new tin cup, a stick of candy, a cake made of white flour and white sugar, and a shiny, new penny). In this fast-paced, commercialized world, I revel in a few peaceful moments to reflect on this valuable story.
A few years ago, I gave each family member the above-mentioned items. They understood the deep meaning behind the gifts, and they use their cups and look at their pennies each Christmas.
Now that I have started my own family, I intend to continue this tradition with my children so that they too can be reminded of what Christmas is all about.
Nicole B., Ontario, Canada