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The Gentle Art of Gift-Giving
The simple act of gift-giving has become extremely complicated. I blame that on the consumer-credit industry. Think about it. You can be completely broke but still spend thousands of dollars on Christmas gifts—and believe it is not only your right to do so but also your obligation to do so. We believe the message that we have to spend a lot for Christmas gifts to be socially acceptable.
Gift-giving is a custom that has pretty much run amok. But it doesn’t have to be that way. We can choose to make wise and reasonable decisions about the gifts we give.
How many of you cannot recall the gifts you gave last Christmas? How about the gifts you received? Come on, let’s see those hands. Okay, that’s just about everybody.
It’s not because we’re total ingrates that we have trouble remembering the gifts we received. It’s because when it’s all over, the gifts pale in comparison to the joy they deliver—the love and best wishes for the season. That’s what we carry with us from one year to the next.
Gifts are messengers. They are tokens of the esteem we hold for people we care about. They deliver our love and our best wishes. Gifts express the fondness we have for another person. Without the care, love, or concern, the gift is empty. Giving a gift just so you can mark a name off a list is a hollow effort that is likely to fall flat no matter how much money you spend.
“First, I’d like to know just exactly how you intend to finance this great giveaway!”
Okay, so here’s another question. How many of you still have a sense of the joy and good feelings associated with gift-giving that took place in your home and your life last Christmas, even if you cannot recall the specific gifts? Look at that. Hands are going up all over the room! At least some of those gifts did their job. They delivered joy and love and then quietly slipped out of the spotlight.
Those of you who couldn’t raise your hands may be remembering the stress of finding the perfect gift, the hassle because you waited until the last minute. You may be recalling your guilt over spending money you didn’t have on things you don’t remember and haven’t yet paid for.
If you struggle with the thought that gifts you give must fulfill the recipients’ deepest longings and fondest dreams, think of the gifts you will give in the same way you would think of a special meal you prepare. You want it to be delicious and for your guests to enjoy it thoroughly. But no matter how fluffy your mashed potatoes or delectable the prime rib, your guests will stop eating and the meal will end. That doesn’t mean it wasn’t delicious and they didn’t enjoy it. They will take away the memories of the flavors and the joy with which the meal was prepared and served. In that same way, your gifts should bring a momentary sense of joy, but it’s the memories of your expression that will live on.
If you don’t know what to give someone, ask this simple question: What matters to him or her? You have to know this person pretty well to know the answer to that question without inquiring. You almost have to be a detective. You have to pay attention, listen, and observe.
Let’s say your grandmother really loves animals. In fact, she volunteers at the shelter two days a week. She is passionate about animal rights. Donating twenty dollars in her name to the animal shelter would probably make her break down and cry. She would be touched that you cared enough to figure out what really matters to her.
Not every occasion requires a gift. Sometimes a card that you buy or make yourself in which you write a thoughtful sentiment is an excellent way to go. Caring enough to pick out the right card and then taking the time and effort to write in it can say “I care!” even better than a gift could.
Being a responsible gift-giver will help you to be an excellent recipient as well. Knowing that it’s the thought that went into the gift that counts—not the price tag—will help you to be genuinely grateful. You cannot be too grateful. But you can fail to express your gratitude, and that’s always a bad thing.
Consider these idea starters:
Give something you made. Whether it’s something from your kitchen, craft room, woodworking shop, or computer, there’s nothing like a homemade gift. A tree ornament, plate of cookies, box of fudge, note cards—these are just some of the homemade gifts with universal appeal.
Give the gift of compassion. Do you want your gift to say how much you care? Then find a way to show you care about what matters most to that person. Is he or she passionate about medical research? Become a bone marrow donor. An environmentalist? Donate to an organization that reforests, and plant a tree in his or her name. Find something this person will find meaningful and then do it in his or her honor. Write a description of your experience and give it to your recipient.
Give what you do best. Often the most meaningful gifts and the most difficult ones to give are those that cost no money at all. A gift from the heart is a gift of time and talent. What do you do well? Cook, clean, babysit, garden, sew, drive, shop? Whatever it is, create a unique gift certificate and make what you do the gift that you give: a weekend of babysitting, a day of housecleaning, six hours of errand running. Follow up within just a few days to set the exact time your certificate will be redeemed. Your recipient may be too embarrassed to remind you to make good on the gift.
Give it in writing. Worried that your gifts—homemade or otherwise—are too cheap or not exactly right? All of your doubts will vanish when you include a short note with the gifts telling the recipients what they mean to you and the value they bring to your life.
The best gift is one that delivers a message of love and joy that remains with the recipient long after the gift has been consumed, used, or put away.
Tipping Points
It is a social custom to give cash gifts (tips, gratuities) at the holiday season. How this custom came to be I have no idea. Thankfully, there are no rules and no tipping police.
Sure, you will see a plethora of tipping guidelines in newspapers and magazines during the holidays, but they are editorial suggestions. Some I’ve read are mind-boggling and include the garbage man, newspaper delivery person, mail carrier, nanny, driver, and doorman; the housekeeper, butler, and maid (oh sure, don’t we all have one of those?), which begs the question: What makes one service person worthy of gratuities from his or her patrons, while others—like grocery checkers—are not included?
Gratuities or tips, if you plan to give any, need to be part of your holiday spending plan, and that means you need to start thinking about them right now. If you’re not sure, ask yourself, “Can I afford to be without this person?” And I do not mean afford as in a monetary sense. By “afford to be without” I mean do you want to face the future without this person’s services? If you absolutely cannot bear the thought, then a tip is likely in order as an expression of gratitude for the service provided throughout the year and the fact that you do depend on him or her.
Before we even get to dollar amounts, general guidelines suggest that you look to a number of factors such as quality of service, frequency of service, how long you’ve used the service, customs in your area, and your personal financial situation.
There are no laws or even social standards when it comes to tipping. As you determine what is right for you, keep in mind that you have already paid these people for services rendered. Ask yourself, “Am I particularly grateful because this person made my life easier or did more than required?” For those who rate a yes, express your gratitude in a way that fits your ability, not according to what you think is expected.
Following are a few commonly accepted guidelines for your thoughtful consideration; however, keep in mind that social custom varies from one area to another. Also, set your own guidelines that fit within your means and the desires of your heart.
The garbage man. For me, the foregoing qualifiers eliminate the garbage man. I wouldn’t have a clue who he is, to be honest. Some big robotic truck comes down our street and plucks the containers with a big mechanical arm and dumps them. So if that guy quits his driving job, I’m sure there are plenty of others willing to step up. His service is appreciated, but he personally is not essential in my life. No tip. If you actually know the person who collects your trash, a tip of fifteen to twenty dollars is customary.
The hairdresser. My hairdresser is a slightly different story. It does take a while to get in sync, and after a couple of years, I’m about there with this one. If you are happy with the service—even if your hairdresser is the owner of the salon—give 15 to 20 percent of the total bill on a typical visit (in addition to the tip you would normally leave for your last visit before the holidays) and a small gift. If you aren’t happy, find a new hairdresser.
The yard guy. Yes, I have a landscape maintenance company that services our property. Being out of debt does have its luxuries. They do fine, but believe me, if they go out of business, I have my pick of about fifty others that will do the same thing. No tip.
The ant guy. We must live on the mother of all anthills. We have had ant problems since we bought this house twenty-five years ago. The ant guy comes routinely to spray and bait for ants. The company we use now is courteous and responsive, but so are other pest control services. I use this one because their price is about half of all the others and the service is adequate. No tip.
The housekeeper. This is a luxury that has become a total necessity in my life. I find that my sanity is worth paying someone to clean my house once a month. She is an angel. A gift from on high. She is punctual, immaculate, trustworthy, and reliable. She has a key to my house. I would trust her with my champion purebred dog (I don’t have one, but if I did . . .). If she were to leave me, I would be devastated. I could not replace her in a million years. I give her raises when she least expects them. It is the best money I spend in any given month. I pray for her health, that she will live long and prosper. I want to be her favorite client so if a doctor somewhere ever says she can clean only one house, it will be mine! I give her a huge tip. Gladly. If you are happy with the service, the equivalent of up to one visit is appropriate.
The postal carrier. The US Postal Service forbids carriers from accepting cash; however, they may accept a nominal item with a value under twenty dollars, like cookies or chocolate, for example. If you are very pleased with your service, a letter of appreciation to the supervisor would be in order.
The babysitter. For a regular sitter on whom you depend and who consistently gives excellent care, Tipping.org suggests a tip equal to two nights’ pay and a small gift from the children.
The newspaper delivery person. If you have daily delivery and you know who your delivery person is, fifteen to twenty-five dollars is appropriate. If that person delivers on the weekend only, give five to fifteen dollars.
The door personnel. If you live in a building with a doorman, a twenty-five- to one-hundred-dollar tip is typical, more or less depending on how much this person assists you during the year.
The superintendent. If your building has a “super” on whom you depend, a tip is highly recommended—particularly if you are fond of heat in the winter and air conditioning in the summer.
A monetary gift in any amount is one way to say thanks to service providers, but it is not the only way. Never underestimate the value of a handwritten note on pretty holiday stationery. A gift of homemade cookies or other special treats with a nice note is always appropriate and appreciated. Any expression of gratitude that comes from your heart is never wrong.
Charitable Giving
Tax-exempt organizations are the fastest-growing sector in the US economy. In 2010, American donors contributed almost $291 billion to charitable causes, according to Giving USA, a report compiled annually by the American Association of Fundraising Counsel.[4] There are now 1.6 million nonprofit organizations, and the competition for funds has become intense.
Giving away part of what we earn is one of the pillars of debt-proof living. We give as an expression of gratitude and to teach our brains that, all things considered, we really do have more than enough. Giving quiets insatiable desires, takes the focus off ourselves, and pulls the plug on greed.
A recent study[5] reveals that knowing our money is going to a good cause activates the pleasure centers of our brains, giving us a sense of joy. We feel better when we make a voluntary donation. Here are some guidelines to follow when giving to charity.
Know your charity. The only way to avoid getting ripped off is to have knowledge of the charity you support. As a donor, you should know what they do with the money that is donated to them and how they accomplish their charitable mission. Give to charities whose work you can observe in your own community. You can request written literature and a copy of the charity’s latest annual report. This should include a list of the board of directors, a mission statement, and the most recent available audited financial statement with accompanying notes. The most reputable charities spend no more for administrative costs than twenty-five cents from each dollar donated.
Beware of charities bearing gifts and sob stories. The hard-luck appeal is a favorite of some organizations. But someone has to pay for all those greeting cards, address labels, and other “free gifts.” And you can be sure it’s the donations of those who’ve come before you. Be suspicious of phone solicitors or direct mail appeals that tell you nothing of the charity or offer vague explanations of where the charity is headquartered, who runs the organization, and how they intend to spend your charitable dollars.
Keep records of your donations. Do not give cash and do not give your credit-card number to a telephone solicitor. Give your gift by check or money order so you will have a record for tax purposes. The IRS requires that you obtain a receipt from the charity (a canceled check will not suffice) for all tax-deductible contributions.
When you donate non-cash items of clothing, household goods, books, magazines, computer equipment, and automobiles, make sure you keep good records. You will receive a receipt describing your donation, but the IRS requires you, the donor, to determine the fair market value of the items you donate. Most people don’t have a clue what their things are worth, so they estimate too low. Look for free online valuation guidelines at SalvationArmyUSA.org.
Remember that “tax exempt” does not always mean “tax deductible.” Not all charities soliciting for “good causes” are eligible to receive tax-deductible contributions. “Tax exempt” means the organization does not have to pay taxes. “Tax deductible” means the donor (that’s you) can deduct contributions on his or her federal income tax return. Request the charity’s tax-exempt letter indicating its status with the IRS if you have any doubts.
Use resources. Both the Better Business Bureau (www.bbb.org) and the American Institute of Philanthropy (www.charitywatch.org) operate as watchdogs over charities. They offer excellent information to help you become a wise donor.
Exercise wisdom. Gift-giving is both a privilege and a responsibility. If you can see yourself as a steward or manager of resources that have been trusted to your care, you will look at this matter through new eyes.
Members of Debt-Proof Living online offer these gift-giving tips:
It was Christmastime, and I was headed back to Chicago after visiting my brother in Iowa. It was snowing as I drove, singing along with the radio. Suddenly, my car started to shut down.
First the radio went, then the heat, and then the car started to slow down no matter how hard I pressed on the accelerator. Luckily, I saw an off-ramp, and my car had just enough juice to get up the hill that led to West Branch, Iowa. My car literally died right in front of a diner.
I found a pay phone and opened my address book to call for help. Sure enough, there was a Ford authorized repair shop right in West Branch—what luck! I called, and the owner said he would send a tow truck in about an hour. He also told me to get some lunch at the diner and to order the Reuben sandwich because it was the best in town.
About an hour later, the tow truck driver came and picked me up. I loved how he did the “country wave” to every car we passed! When I got to the dealership, the repairman told me my car needed a small part, but it would take a couple of hours to fix. His wife was headed to Iowa City to do some last-minute Christmas shopping if I wanted to join her. I didn’t hesitate at all! We chatted on the way there and had fun shopping. We got back to the shop, and I paid the $150 repair. They asked me to call when I got home so that they knew I made it safely. When I got home, I opened my wallet to get their business card to call them and found my $150 check back in my wallet with a note that read “Merry Christmas!”
On Christmas morning, a FedEx driver showed up at my door with a package. I opened it up, and there was my address book and a Christmas card that said, “I was cleaning up the diner and found your address book—it looked like it had important papers in it, and I thought you would want it back. Merry Christmas!”
Everyone in West Branch, Iowa, showed me the true meaning of Christmas. I’ll never forget their hospitality.
Beth V., Illinois