Kiran
We’re finally coming down from our high. Mason asks if I want to have dinner at the rotating restaurant in the Wilshire to celebrate. But I have a mad craving for a gooey cheese pizza. We grab one on the way back and head to the roof. We bring a bottle of red wine too, although neither of us thought to bring glasses. So we drink it straight out of the bottle, passing it back and forth between us.
The truth is, I didn’t want to go to the Wilshire because I don’t want to share him at all. The scales have shifted without my permission, and we’ve passed some kind of tipping point. I don’t regret anything except I didn’t spend every waking second with him. Now, all I can do is watch the seconds tick by, wishing like crazy I could arm wrestle the hands of time.
“Am I yelling?” I ask him.
“Don’t think so. What about me?”
I shake my head. It wasn’t until other people were giving us weird looks that we realized we were screaming every time we said something. I guess the adrenaline and noise screwed with our hearing. I’m so psyched about the experience I can barely contain myself. The skydiving was bucket list material. But Mason letting me drive his car and encouraging me the whole time was something I’ll always hold in my heart.
I take a swig of wine and hand the bottle to him. “Let’s go surfing tomorrow,” I say.
“It’s a plan.” He slides lower in his chair. “Were you praying?”
“When?”
“You closed your eyes and mouthed something right before you got on the plane. Just wondering if you were saying a prayer.”
“Actually, I was talking to my mom. I asked her if it was a bad idea. I do that sometimes. Ask her questions.”
“Does she answer?”
“Not so far. I’m glad she didn’t start answering today, though. She would have told me to keep my butt on the ground where it belonged. It’s just this silly thing I do.”
He turns toward me and takes hold of my wrist. He rubs the underside with his thumb. “Not silly in my book. I used to talk to my dad.”
He lost his dad at such a young age. How did he manage to take care of himself, let alone his grandmother and sister? “What kind of questions?”
“Everything under the sun. My dad was a great man. He was the backbone to our family. You don’t realize how devastating it is to lose your backbone until it’s gone. I used to ask him if I was making the right decisions regarding Dana. If I should drop out of high school and work full time. If there’s a better way. If I should put Gram in a home.”
“Did he answer?”
“Not often. Once in a while I would hear his voice, though, especially concerning Gram.”
“His mother?”
“My mother’s mother. But he always respected her. She taught me a lot of skills too.”
He speaks so highly of his grandmother and father. I wonder why he never mentions his mother. “What kind of skills?”
“I can tell you if a melon is ripe and how to properly plant a rosemary bush.”
“Impressive. I’ll remember that in case I need help with melons or…bushes.”
He chuckles. “I’m your huckleberry.”
“What happened to your mother, Mason?”
His mouth turns hard. “She had other priorities.” I have no idea what other priorities could take precedence over your own children. Judging from the sharpness of his tone, I decide not to press. “I can’t imagine what it was like for you to lose your dad and take over all those responsibilities.”
“You're not the first person to ask that. Typically, I say we all do what we have to. That’s my canned response.”
“What was it really like? You can tell me.” I take hold of his hand.
“At first, I was so angry.”
“At who?”
“Everyone. At the doctors who couldn’t save him. At cancer itself. Hell, I was even mad at him for up and leaving us like he’d had a choice. At my mom for quitting us. Even angry at Dana because she was so damn needy. When Grams got sick, I really fucking hated my life. On the outside, I did all the stuff the son of a great man like Joshua Cutler should do. But on the inside, I fell apart.” Mason’s mouth tightens into a grim line. “When I look back on all of it now, I realize how good I had it. If anything, I was lucky.”
“Lucky?”
“Sure, Grams took us in. She needed us as much as we needed her. It wasn’t a picture-perfect family, but we were a family. Dana and I might have ended up in the system if it wasn’t for her. A lot of kids in our situation do. Yeah, I would give anything to have had a few more years with my dad. But I’m grateful for all the memories I have. What I really wish is that Dana had the years I did.”
My lower lip trembles. I turn to look at the water below us so I don’t give into tears. I want to go back in time, hug that brave boy, and make his world right. Then again, this beautiful man next to me is a product of those experiences. He grew up stronger and faster because of his heart ache. It’s one of the reasons he is such a good man. Waves crash against the shoreline singing a sad melody. I take a small sip and hand the bottle back to him.
“You don’t ask your dad questions anymore, Mason?”
He takes a long drink. He wipes his mouth with the back of his hand. “Just one, Kiran.”
“What is it?”
“Do I make you proud? Never got an answer on that one.”
I squeeze his hand. “I can answer it for you. You make him proud, Mason. You honor his legacy every single day.”
He takes my hand and kisses my wrist. We watch the sun set over the water.