At the ashram in Santa Monica, Lisa shared a bedroom with another sister. The room was spacious, with high ceilings and elaborate carved trim. Tall French doors led to a balcony that admitted the perfumes of the garden. On some nights, she would stand outside on that upper terrace, gazing at the moon. The trouble was, she was spending more of her free time leaning on the balcony rail, staring aimlessly at the sky.
Lisa had been with the commune a year and a half. Recently, thoughts of the past, the world beyond the one she had chosen, stirred a creeping restlessness and tempted her. Sexual desire sometimes overwhelmed her, and she would fantasize, most often about Christian and the passion that had always surged between them. Frustrated, she couldn’t understand why she was dissatisfied. Surely, it had nothing to do with the ashram. But she felt as if she’d peaked. Days had to be more than waiting tables and meditation and the karma yoga inherent in performing tasks around the ashram. And as loving as her housemates were, she was … well, lonely.
This morning, Lisa finished her meditation, slowly opened her eyes, and looked toward the picture of the Master on her altar, remembering last evening’s lessons on the five abstentions—violence, lying, covetousness, possessiveness, and sensuality. As she dressed, the calmness of moments before was already gone, and she found herself lost again to daydream. With a great deal of anxious longing, she awaited the arrival of the Master’s disciple from India. Once he was at the ashram with all the blessings of the Master, she was certain she’d become more centered.
By the time she completed her seva in the ashram, it was afternoon, and Lisa carried a book toward her favorite spot in the garden, underneath the rose trellis. Near the bench, she stopped abruptly, disbelieving. Christian sat waiting for her in the exact spot where they had sat once before.
“Christian! What are you doing here?”
He stood and walked toward her. “Waiting for you. I thought you might come out to the garden sometime this afternoon. A habit, yes?”
His eyes were blue fire, and his happiness to see her so obvious, she felt her own eyes fill with light. “Why didn’t you come to the door?”
“I didn’t feel like being scrutinized by the house guardian. What’s his name—Krishna?”
“You don’t have to worry about Krishna.”
“I’d rather not have my comings and goings observed,” he grinned.
Almost a year had passed since she’d seen him. She noted the confidence in his stance, his relaxed posture. His smile was soft, and he was undoubtedly stoned.
“You’re still at it?” she asked. “Working in the biz?”
“Except I’m doing a little more than the last time we met.”
She paused at his tone, wondering where this information was going, then ventured, “Bob said you were doing well.”
“Thanks to you. You did me a tremendous favor.”
“I … I’m glad things worked out for you.”
“They worked out for both of us. We’re partners, remember?”
“No,” her smile faded, and she shook her head. “I don’t want any part of it.”
“Come on. Sit down with me.”
She took a seat on the bench and looked at him more closely now. Longer hair. A bit more weight in his body. Not so boyish any longer. Self-assurance mixed with a bit of arrogance—not good.
“Don’t you ever worry about getting busted?”
“Not really,” he answered. “I don’t call that kind of energy to myself. I keep a low profile, watch the cars on my street and who’s following me. I’m careful about the people I do business with.” He leaned back, stretched out his legs, easy in the garden with her.
“Are you still in Berkeley?”
He nodded. “A special house up in the hills, lots of trees and a private backyard. Allen and his old lady, Linda, have a room. I don’t think you know him. He’s my runner. Other brothers and sisters pass through. Bob spends a good deal of time with me when he comes up.”
“Don’t you have an old lady?”
“I did. But she left to join a commune,” he shrugged and raised a meaningful eyebrow. “Seems to be a way of life with me.”
Lisa looked at him carefully. “When did she leave?”
“A few weeks ago.”
So you’ve come to see if there’s still energy between us, she thought, somewhat sullenly. You’re looking for someone to fill her space. If she can’t be there for you, then you’ll give me a try. What a fool I am, daydreaming about you! Thinking I could have you any time I wanted. What am I to you? What are you to me that you so disturb the peace I’m trying to find here?
“I want to give you my phone number.”
“Why? I don’t need it,” she answered irritably. “There’s no reason for me to ever call you.”
For a long moment, he said nothing. Now it was his turn to look closely at her.
“What’s troubling you?”
“Nothing. Nothing’s troubling me.”
“I saw it in your face when you were walking down the path, before you knew I was here. Are things working out for you?”
“I’m perfectly happy here,” she answered testily. “My … concerns … have nothing to do with the Teachings.”
“Lisa, do you want to come back to Berkeley with me? I have an empty room in the house, good friends, and family. You don’t even have to live with me. But if you want to leave … get on your feet … well, then, I’m offering you a place to stay until you can figure out what you want to do.”
Because that was exactly what she had daydreamed of doing, she cried, “No! Don’t ask me. I … I can’t. I’ve given months of commitment to the ashram.” She lowered her voice and added, “I wish you could know the kind of love the Master inspires. I’ve just reached a hurdle, but I’ll get over it. The Master’s disciple will be here soon.” Then as a second thought, she added, “Why don’t you come? Give him your own questions. Sometimes, there’s a great sadness in you. If you had a place to put it …”
“You know how I feel about religion,” he answered. “It’s … impossible.”
She moved closer, murmuring, “We could be here together.”
Playing against her temptation, he leaned forward, his mouth smiling, “I thought you’d taken the brahmacharya vow of celibacy?”
“I would renounce it if I were a householder,” she whispered, her lips moving shamelessly closer to his, her breath shallow, heart pounding.
A long moment passed, until Christian leaned back, shaking his head. “The real world needs people of action. Come with me, Lisa. Be my life partner. There’s a lot we could do together.”
“I can’t,” she whispered miserably.
With a heavy sigh, he passed her the piece of paper from his pocket. “Here. My phone number. If you ever need anything … anything … call me.”
A few moments ago, she had promised herself she wouldn’t take that number, but now she reached for it, not quite ready to let go of him entirely.
“I have some money for you,” he added. “Your share off the top of my work with Bob. Three thousand dollars for the connection. I’ve kept it for you as I said I would. I thought you might leave the ashram and need it. Apparently, I thought wrong.”
“I don’t need the money, Christian. The ashram’s my home.”
“It’s there when you want it.”
“Are you leaving so soon?” she cried, bewildered, standing with him.
“Is there any reason to stay?”
“I … I just thought to talk to you about the Master.”
“Talk? No, Lisa, I don’t think that’s why you really want me to stay.”
He stood over her, near, so close she could smell the scent of his skin, feel the heat of his body, and she thought she might scream for the wanting, for the courage to give in to the erotic pull of him. His arms were ready for her, strong and warm. She willed herself to step into them but could not move. Instead, she found that she swam effortlessly in his eyes, speaking silently to him of months of longing. One word, one gesture, and tonight, she could be with him, and for a long time after, all her vows forgotten.
Reading her thoughts, his arms went around her, pressing her close against him, his mouth on hers, kissing her hungrily, feeling her respond with the same longing.
From inside, a bell rang at the altar and floated through an open window, the sound carrying in the still afternoon. Once again, Lisa remembered the light that surrounded the man she called Master, a love from him so complete that a voice rose from inside to whisper that God’s love was more complete than man’s. A love she still had to explore.
“Sister, is everything all right?”
Christian turned abruptly to find Krishna standing not ten feet away.
Lisa lowered her head, shamed and shaking visibly, passion a sweet, sick ball in her stomach and throat.
“Christian,” she whispered, stepping back from him. “Can you find your way out? I’d like to sit here for a while.”
He waited for a long moment, but when she did not lift her face, he turned and, once again, walked away down the path.