Gretchen
I hear the words, see his mouth move, but I don’t know how to take them in.
“What are you saying?”
Ben starts to lower his mouth to mine. “I’m saying that I want you. I want to love you. I want you to give us a chance and I want you to let me.”
“For how long?” I ask the question because I need to steel myself. “If it’s only for tonight, just tell me.”
He shakes his head, his nose grazing mine. “Not just tonight, Gretchen. But I won’t make you promises until I know I’m worthy of you. I will never lie to you or make you question how I feel.”
“Why do you think you’re unworthy?” My voice is soft and barely audible.
“Because you’re not the only one who is broken.”
My heart beats against my ribs, loud and full of so many things. I don’t know what this means, but I know that Ben will catch me if I fall. He won’t lie or treat me with disregard. He’s strong enough to accept me for who I am.
I reach my hand up, grazing the scruff on his face. “You’re not broken.”
His hand grips my wrist, bringing it to his lips, pressing a kiss right where my pulse is. “That’s where you’re wrong, but you might just be healing me.”
I lift up on my toes, bringing our lips together in the softest kiss, but still filled with so much emotion I could cry. His hands wrap around my waist and then I’m flush against him.
My mouth opens and our sweet kiss is gone. Now it’s passionate as both of us push the other for power. His tongue duels with mine.
It’s everything.
It’s a battle of wins and losses but I don’t care which side I’m on because neither is really a loser. He kisses me as though he can’t possibly get enough, and I match him in unbridled desire.
I break away and we both pant. “I didn’t mean to push you.”
My eyes meet his and I hope he sees the truth. “You didn’t. I just want more. I want you, all of you. I always have.”
“Gretchen.” My name falls from his lips as both a prayer and a curse.
“Please. I want you to make love to me, Ben.” I kiss him before he can deny me. “I want you to show me what I’ve been missing. Show me.”
I stand here, more exposed than I’ve ever been. My clothes may be on, but my soul is exposed for him. I want him.
“Fuck,” he groans and then our mouths are on each other.
Our hands explore each other, mine grazing over his massive chest, feeling each of the planes and ridges. We start to move and then my back hits the wall. He uses his size to dominate me, and I love every second.
Kissing him has become my new favorite thing.
My fingers dig into his shoulders as he dives his tongue into my mouth. I swear, if he fucks anything like he kisses...I’ll be ruined.
I need to feel his skin. I want to touch him, make him feel as out of control as I do. I move to the hem of his shirt and push it up.
“Gretchen,” he moans as I try to lift the shirt, but he anchors me against the wall, giving me no room to move.
I try again, but he grips my wrists.
“I can’t,” Ben says and takes three steps back.
Shame and mortification wash over me. He doesn’t want me. I begged him and he didn’t want to go there with me.
“I’m...yeah, no, I get it. You never said...I’m stupid.” Each word stings with such sadness. I thought he wanted this as much as I did, but again, I read everything wrong.
Just like before.
“Stop.” Ben’s voice is thick with emotion.
A tear falls down my cheek and I hate myself for being vulnerable.
“Don’t cry.” He moves so quickly I couldn’t even react. Ben’s hands cup my face as another stupid tear slides from my eye. “Please, I do want you. I want you more than you can even imagine.”
I shake my head, trying to dispel the words. “You don’t have to say it.”
“No. I do.” I’m not sure who he’s trying to convince, but it sounds more like himself. “I have to tell you. I’ve loved you for as long as I can remember. I’ve thought about making love to you in every fucking position possible. And now...you’re in my arms, telling me you want the same thing, and...” Ben runs his hands down his face, moving away from me. “…and I’m part of a man.”
What? I don’t even understand what that means. “Part of a man?”
“Yes! Fuck, Gretchen! I’m missing a part of me!” he shouts, pointing down to his leg.
“You think that makes you less of a man?”
“Of course it does! She even fucking told me it did.”
My God, what did that bitch of a woman do to him? How dare she make him think his injury made him less of anything? He’s the kindest person and has endured so much pain. Ben isn’t less, he’s more.
I take a step closer, keeping my eyes on his. “You are not less, Benjamin Pryce. You are more of a man than anyone I’ve ever been with. More kind, more loyal, more loving.” I move slowly, measuring each step, needing him to hear me. “You have given me more joy in the last few weeks than I’ve felt in years. Each time you kiss me, I think about how many years I’ve wasted on anyone but you. As impossible as it seems, you’ve broken down the hurt girl that’s lived inside of me, showing me how much more there should be.”
Ben goes still, his eyes watching me, and I pray his heart is hearing the words because they’re the absolute truth. There are so many emotions in his gaze that it stuns me. However, the most prevalent is fear.
“When I look at you,” I continue softly, “I don’t see anything missing other than time we could’ve had. I want you more than anything. I want you to touch me and I damn sure want to touch you. Do you want me? Do you want...us?”
His emotions are unreadable, but then his hand reaches out, tucking the hair behind my ear. “More than anything.”
“Then take me. I’m here,” I say, pulling my own shirt off, baring myself to him. “I’m yours.” My bra falls to the floor.
“You’re perfect.”
And that’s where he’s wrong. “Perfection is an illusion that we cast to make ourselves think we’re less than someone else. I’m not perfect, but I’m who I am. I have flaws.” I reach for his shirt again, moving more slowly this time, I hold the bottom. “I’m scarred. But when you look at me, do you see them?”
“No.”
I lift the shirt, pulling it up, and he lets me.
“No, because that’s what love is.”
Love allows each person’s flaws to fade into the background, giving us only the beautiful parts.
My fingers trace against the skin, hating that he worried I wouldn’t want him or see him as something less than.
“And what do you see, Gretchen?” Ben asks as I move my hands toward his neck.
I look into his eyes, allowing him access to everything I’m feeling. “I see a hero, my hero.”
Ben doesn’t hesitate. He grabs my face, bringing our mouths together. I kiss him, hoping to take the pain away, but still refusing to remove my hand from his chest.
I feel the muscles tense beneath my touch, but then they release after a moment. Almost as though he finds trust with each movement.
I slide both hands up farther, feeling more of the damage from the explosive, but it’s just part of the story of who he is. He’s the man that fought through whatever horrors he saw to come back here. The man who endured pain from the betrayal of the one person who should’ve loved him through it.
Instead of becoming mean and angry that the life he had was lost, he’s been gentle and sweet. Ben didn’t have to take me on a date, watch movies, text me, or make me smile. There was no take in this relationship, all he did was give. I thank God his ex-wife let him go because if she had seen the man he is, truly seen him, I wouldn’t have him here with me.
His lips move to my neck, kissing their way down to my shoulder. “You have no idea how much I want you.”
I’m pretty sure I do.
My head falls back, allowing him more access. “You have no idea how badly I do.”
His eyes find mine and the desire that shines through is heart stopping. “Come,” he says, taking my hand and leading me toward the bedroom.
“I’ll follow you anywhere.”
I mean that with everything inside of me.