Harry Hay and John Burnside came to San Francisco in June 1999 to be the Grand Marshals of the LGBT Pride Parade. They had been living in Los Angeles the previous two decades. Before he left for San Francisco, Harry reported a few problems with his health; he had pains in his stomach and back, not unusual for someone who was eighty-seven. During the parade the back pain became so severe that he was unable to attend the after-parade reception. Instead they went back to Jerry Lasley’s apartment, where he and John were staying and Harry went to bed.
Soon it became apparent to those around Harry that not only was it wise for him to stay in bed it was also wise for him to stay in San Francisco.
A few days after the parade, a Circle was called to discuss the care of Harry and John. At that first meeting it was decided that, with their consent, we would move Harry and John up from Los Angeles. Stuart Timmons had offered to do the packing and moving part. Our job in San Francisco was to find the couple a comfortable place to live and to arrange good quality medical care for Harry—all of which we did within very a short period of time.1
In addition to the doctor and hospital visits, home nurse care, and acquiring medical equipment, there was a need for daily personal contact. So along with driving Harry and John to and from doctor and dentist appointments, shopping, cooking and cleaning, those of us in the Circle devoted time to just being with Harry. I took the Saturday morning shift.
With supervision, Harry’s back condition improved and he was able to get out of bed and walk around his new apartment, usually with some assistance. Pretty early into my Saturday morning visits, I found out from Harry that he had not had a shower in a very long time. He was getting sponge baths. But I decided that wasn’t adequate. Together we devised a cunning plan to get him into the bathroom so that I could help him take a proper shower.
Over the course of three and a half years, Harry and I gradually figured out the many steps it takes to get a frail man in his late-eighties undressed, into the bathroom, and into the shower: he took off his watch; I took off his oxygen tube; he took off his shirt; I helped him put the oxygen tube back on; I helped him put on his robe; I brushed his hair; he took out the hearing aid. Harry would cue me for each step. He didn’t like us to move too quickly.
When he was ready, I would gather up the oxygen tubing. He would stand up and grab the belt at the back of my pants and I would lead him into the bathroom, feeding out the tubing as we went. When we had completed the short trip to the bathroom I would assist him in taking off his robe and then help him accomplish the awkward maneuver of stepping into the bathtub and sitting on the shower bench. Harry was very concerned about re-injuring his back. Even though we were about the same height I was much bigger than he was, so I think that it gave him some confidence when I would hold onto him while he got into the tub and sat down.
Harry was gracious. I attempted to be empathetic. And even though we occasionally had a tense moment, we got on pretty well. I knew that having someone, who was not John, assist him in such an intimate process as bathing had an importance to him that I could not fully understand. But we never discussed that part of it. We sometimes talked about the shower routine as if we were re-enacting the scene from a Botticelli painting Harry referred to as “The Re-birth of Venus.” When we had finished the shower, and Harry was fully dressed, he always expressed his gratitude. John frequently told me that the showers meant a lot to Harry.
In early fall of 2002, we heard from the doctor that Harry had lung cancer and had only a short time to live, so the Circle made the shift to focusing on Harry’s quality of life for the few weeks he had remaining. In the past there had been times when it was difficult for Harry to make the short trip from his bed to the bathtub, but he had always regained his strength. Now he was declining and we realized there would not be a recovery.
Harry and I both knew when we had done the last shower. In his weakened state, he barely made it to the bathroom. He had to rest before we even started the shower. I remember thinking that it would be the last time I that I would scrub his back, so I scrubbed it very well. He had to rest quite a while after the shower before we left the bathroom. Even though we took the shortest route and walked to the side of his bed that was closest to the bathroom (all of fifteen feet) he was exhausted when he got there. That’s when he said that he wouldn’t be able to walk to the bathroom again. But I continued to come on Saturday mornings to give him sponge baths.
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My friend Patrick called me at work on Tuesday to ask if the Care Circle had decided what to do with Harry’s body between the time he died and the time the morticians came to take him away. As far as I knew, we hadn’t. Patrick had some experience in this area, so while he talked I scribbled down some notes about supplies and things to consider. Then I e-mailed the Circle to say that I was willing to wash Harry’s body if that had not already been decided. I also asked questions about doctors, mortuaries, public notification. How did we plan to dress Harry and lay him out?
Apparently, there was an informal assumption that when Harry died the Circle would be called and that we would probably lay him out for a short time. I would probably be the one to immediately care for Harry’s body. But we could discuss that and the other questions at the Circle meeting the following Monday.
That day I began to read parts of The Pagan Book of Living and Dying by Starhawk, M. Macha Nightmare and other authors from the Reclaiming Collective. The story of “Bo’s Cremation” tells how a community came together after someone had died and how they did their own cremation. While we weren’t going to be doing Harry’s cremation ourselves, the story helped me get into the mindset of ritually preparing a body.
Not long after Patrick’s call, Joey Cain called at 2:16 a.m. on Thursday morning to say that Harry had died peacefully in his sleep. He asked if I wanted to come over. I had awoken from a deep sleep but my mind quickly kicked into action. For a brief moment, I wondered if the Circle had not actually decided that I would prepare Harry’s body. But I also knew that I was the one who had put the most time into thinking about it, however brief that time was. In fifteen minutes I had a bag packed with all the things I needed.
Picking up roses on my way, I got there within an hour and a couple of other people from the Care Circle had already arrived. I gave the flowers to Jonathan Campbell and asked him to turn them into petals. Joey was on the phone calling the people that needed to be contacted, including Stuart who was preparing the press release. Jerry said that he had some experience in preparing a body and wanted to help; when his lover had died he had washed his body before he was taken away, but he had not dressed him or laid him out as we were going to do. I said that I had never done this before but that I had some ideas about how to proceed.
When someone very near and dear to us dies we each have our unique way of dealing with our feelings. Some of us gay men have had more than enough experience in this area. What I know about myself is that I can not predict how I will react when someone dies. Sometimes I am devastated and sometimes I am okay. This time I had things to do and a limited amount of time in which to do them, so whatever emotions I had in the moment about Harry dying, I was going to feel them and at the same time get to the tasks at hand.
We bathed Harry one last time. We took our time because I knew that Harry did not like to be rushed when he was being bathed. Then we anointed him with a combination of essential oils called Emerald Forest. Jerry gave him a manicure.
We dressed Harry in a dark periwinkle blue silk turtleneck and a long panne velvet skirt that I had made him for his ninetieth birthday party. On his feet we put some EG Smith tie-dyed socks that had been given to him by Eric Smith. We laid him out on his bed on top of a white cotton sheet.
When Harry and John were staying with Jerry in 1999, he had given Harry a turquoise neck pillow. Harry was so attached to that pillow that he used it whenever he was in bed, even during his many stays in the hospital, so we put the neck pillow around Harry’s neck.
Eric Slade had given Harry a tiara a few years ago when he was working on Hope Along the Wind, the documentary about Harry’s life. Harry had wanted to wear the tiara to the opening of the film, but he didn’t have enough hair to pin the tiara to. So he asked me to sew a skullcap that would be a base upon which to attach the tiara. It was made according to his design; purple velvet with faux ermine trim.
Harry had always enjoyed having Eric brush his hair, so before we put his skullcap and tiara on him, Eric brushed his hair and I braided it. We put Harry’s favorite Egyptian necklace around his neck and pinned a rhinestone brooch to his shirt. We put Jonathan’s shoulder-duster rhinestone earring on his left ear. We lit some candles and spread some of the rose petals over Harry.
When Harry was dressed, we had time to sit and talk with him and with each other. Markie did some sketches of Harry lying in state. I said that witches believe that when a person dies, sometimes they are confused because they don’t know what has happened, so it’s a good idea to tell them that they have died. John Burnside was holding Harry’s Faerie wand, the one that makes a tinkling sound when you move it. John waved the wand over Harry and said, “Harry, dear, you have died. Now it is time to be off with you.”
Some of the caregivers went home to sleep. The apartment was quiet for a while, so we napped. After the sun came up, people started to arrive again. When anyone saw Harry laid out for the first time we gave them some more rose petals to spread over him.
Later that morning, when the Care Circle was all together, we held hands around Harry. We said the names of the people who weren’t able to be there. We stood silently for a while. We chanted and then we sang the traditional Faerie song, “Wearing Our Long Green Feathers as We Fly.” We told Harry that it was okay to leave, that we would take care of the work that needed to be done. Each of us had a chance to spread more rose petals.
When the men from the mortuary came they were very professional and yet very sweet. One of them even blushed when I commented that his blue latex gloves matched his shirt. They explained everything that they were going to do and they agreed that Harry could be cremated the way he was dressed.
We removed the jewelry but left the neck pillow on and wrapped him in the sheet. Some of us followed Harry out of the house and held each other, crying while we watched them put him into the van and drive away.
Harry went to be cremated wearing silk and velvet, in a skirt and surrounded with rose petals, like the Duchess that he was.
1. The Care Circle consisted of Jerry Berbiar, Joey Cain, Jonathan Campbell, Jack Davis, Mark Garrett, Jerry Lasley, Tim Morano, Chas Nol, John O’Leary, Eric Smith; and from out of town: Sally Hay, Tim McCarthy, Eric Slade and Stuart Timmons. They remained an active Circle for the next six years to care for John Burnside until his death.