Chapter 13

 

Freedom

 

~

 

Staring at the woman behind Derrick makes me uneasy at first, but when she smiles back, I feel a weight lift away.

All of the horror stories of the guy getting a slap on the wrist, a tap on the head for his mistake, have been playing in my waking mind and dreams for days leading up to this court appearance. This is not that made-for-TV show or awful post on social media about the lack of justice for a woman, or man, that was on the other side of an injustice. No, things are going to change for Derrick, and from the looks of him, his downcast eyes darkened from lack of sleep, he is swallowing his pride and taking the punishment. Or maybe, just maybe, this is a picture of rock bottom, a time at which there is great change.

He doesn’t fight the restraining order, instead turning to me and offering a side of himself I thought was long gone or never truly existed.

“I’m so sorry for all I have put you through. You were right, the whole time. I need to get help and I need to regroup and be the man I know I can be.” He turns around to look at his parents for a breath before turning back to me. “And someone my parents will be proud of. I’ve been only caring about myself and not about my actions. I hope someday you can forgive me.”

My mouth opened at some point, but it wasn’t so I could say anything; instead, it was forced open by the weight of his words. I almost smack myself to see if I need to wake from a dream.

“It takes a good deal of humility to admit when you are wrong and that you need to take more steps than you ever have before to improve yourself for the better.” Judge Darlin doesn’t smile when she speaks to Derrick, she only sets her gaze on him, perhaps even looking for the deception in the promise of better things. “Even though you show remorse and a willingness for change, and I know you have agreed to the schedule change to give Miss Mince her space, I will still be granting this restraining order.”

The murmur behind Derrick is soft, not angry, but concerned.

“I know you may be worried about your record, Mr. Tinn, but you have to see it from my perspective and from Miss Mince’s. An apology doesn’t take away what has already been done.”

Derrick nods in agreement and tries to give me a respectful smile.

“I also know that there are things that have come up about your past that may be to blame for what has continued this cycle for you, and with that, I hope you and your family can heal. I leave that information private in this hearing and leave it up to you to ever share on your own.”

This statement startles me for a heartbeat, causing the rhythm to increase exponentially thinking of what may have happened to Derrick in his life to have created a monster out of the man standing not ten feet away from me.

It doesn’t matter. You don’t have to feel sorry for him.

But I can empathize. As I have thought many times, and what I’ve learned in class and group, the cycle can continue. Even when it’s been such a horrific experience for a person, it can still somehow latch into the soul and psyche as the way things are and how they should be. It’s a terrible unending circle without the right intervention. Maybe, now, Derrick’s can be broken.

I turn to his parents, his dad pulling his wife in closer; they don’t seem to show signs of being the guilty party, but possibly they knew or whatever occurred was definitely something they should have known? I close my eyes and will the tears to stay. He may have my empathy, but he won’t see me cry ever again.

“Before I officially grant the restraining order to be in effect from now until one year from today, do you have anything to add, Miss Mince?”

My eyes slide to Derrick’s. “I do hope you get the help that you need to heal and to change for the better. Perhaps in time I can forgive you, but for now, I just appreciate the responsibility you have taken and your willingness for change.”

I nod and attempt to add a smile as well, but I can’t. Instead, I shift my head to his mother and give her a hopeful smile. She returns it and mouths, thank you.

“I have to say, in all of my years, and in the times we’ve had brewing around us, I am pleasantly surprised and a little shocked with how maturely this has been handled by the Tinns and Miss Mince and her counsel. In the past, this would have been ugly, full of denials and a parade of character witnesses, but this has given me hope for humanity as a whole.”

Her eyes touch on each of us, ending on mine and holding them.

“For what you have gone through this past year, and for the lack of support on campus, I do hope this court has shown you that you have the support of the court and that you aren’t alone.” The all-business set to her eyes melts into a smile for a split second before regrouping into the awe-inspiring presence on the bench. “You are a brave young woman, Miss Mince. Don’t ever forget that and know that you have done something extraordinary, not only for yourself, but for other victims of violence and abuse. I commend you and wish you the best.”

“Thank you, Judge Darlin.”

The hammering of the gavel should force me into motion, or at least to the side hug from Maggie, but it isn’t until I see Derrick look at me one last time that I know it’s really over. He may have lied to me before, but once I knew, I could always tell. This isn’t an act. A broken man is before me, and most likely an older version of a little boy who endured his own form of abuse.

A weight lifts and I allow Maggie to usher me out of the courtroom, away from the building and into the sunlight. I stop on the steps, allowing my head to fall back while I soak in the springtime sun, its heat warming me from my cheeks down to my chest, where I swear my heart begins to pull itself back together, just a little, as if it mending its tears, chinks, and painfully gouged holes. All I needed was for it to start, and on its own, not due to another person loving me to help it repair. No, this slowly shifting work toward wholeness is something I have to do for myself.

But, even with the breaks, you love.

Yes, and now I’ve come this far on my own—well, not totally alone; I do have some amazing women in my corner—maybe I can find a way to sink into a glorious love. A real one that brings its own light to the other rips and pits in my heart. A love that I can trust, and that is with a man who is truthful, loyal, strong.

A hero and a protector?

Yes, words I can now use to define myself as well.

 

 

I’ve fidgeted with my hair in the rearview mirror long enough. It’s time to head to the door and officially meet the woman who raised an incredible man, even despite having been abused and brought close to her death in an inferno, which took the life of her abuser instead.

A flicker to my right shifts my eyes from the world’s worst mirror to the source of the motion. In a bright white linen shirt and a colorful yellow scarf wrapping her head, Shan’s mom waves to me from the fenced-in backyard off in the distance. The hello changes to a summoning, so with a deep inhale and one fumble with my keys as I shove them into my purse, I am out the door. Sort of. My hip gets caught in the swinging motion of the darn thing closing, and I wince at the pain and at my klutzy car-exiting display.

Just friends, remember?

Yeah, yeah. Cool it.

I walk toward Ms. Bends at what feels like a slow-motion pace until I finally reach where she stands holding the gate open. I take a moment to look around to realize I don’t see Shan’s rental car in the driveway. I am a little early. I knew I should have texted him, but we confirmed last night. We haven’t seen each other in nearly two weeks, only texting or talking a few times during our April-induced breakup. It wasn’t easy, but it kept me focused, cleared my head, and brought me here. Who knows what would have happened, otherwise? Where my head was, it would probably have been on a collision course without hope of repair.

And now?

I’m here, aren’t I?

“Hello, April,” Shan’s mom says while whipping something from her face with the back of her floral gardening glove. “Shan and his sister, Clara, had to run to the store. My forgetfulness got the best of me and I missed a couple items we must have for dinner. Come on back. The garden is showing off this year.”

“Thank you, Ms. Bends.”

“Please, call me Nicole.”

“Yes. Thank you, Nicole.” My feet are cemented on the other side of the fence. I can’t move. For some reason, I’m stunned into a statue by being face to face with a woman whom I could see myself being if things hadn’t changed for me.

But she’s a survivor, so stop staring, you idiot.

“You have a lovely home,” I manage, though my tongue wants to stay stuck to the roof of my mouth. “It’s so peaceful here.” The house, a white wood and stone cottage on a high hill more than an hour east of our campus, is both lovingly cared for and comfortably weathered.

Nicole holds the gate open and I step through, holding my cardigan sweater a little tighter in the cooling spring air. I almost wore a skirt but opted for jeans, aware of the change in elevation up here in the hills. The yellow of her scarf matches the little yellow lemons on my tank top, and I smile at our similarities and let go of my held breath at the agonizing ones that have kept me awake for many long nights.

Once I finally take in the backyard, the sprawling land lush with grass, flower beds, and a cement wall on the far end covered in vines, I smile for so many other reasons. This is her place of peace, and she deserves it. The life she has given to the garden reflects her new start from the ashes.

“Did you do this all yourself? It is breathtaking.” It isn’t an exaggeration. The sight causes me to touch my hand to my chest, which both clinches and releases in a lovely intensity. Beauty does this, beauty in the world, in music, in a dance, and in a touch. This place was created with love.

“Shan and I did most of the work, but Clara was here when we had to beat the crap out of the rocky ground to even begin to think of growing a thing in its stubborn dirt. I’ll be sure to show you some before and after pictures, but you can get the general idea by looking over the wall. That’s what this land was before it became the garden.”

I follow her unfurling arm, a guide to the gorgeous array of snapdragons in all colors, daisies, and…that’s about the extent of what I know I’m looking at. Thankfully, Nicole has placed little signs in various areas, and I walk around touching, reading, and admiring the sight and names of the colorful flowers, bushes, and grasses. They create levels and tell a story—one of rebirth from a rocky wreckage. This is Nicole’s story now, and it is a display of strength and perseverance.

“I have some tea and water over here at the table. They should be back any minute, but I must be honest. I’m glad we have some time to ourselves.”

My smile remains plastered to my face. I must look like a little girl in a candy shop. There is just so much to look at, and it doesn’t stop at the plants. When we move toward the little mosaic table, we pass by two half barrels in the ground filled with water, plants, and goldfish in yellow, orange, white, and black, their tails flicking the surface while they gobble up the bugs venturing out to enjoy the warmer weather.

I find Nicole’s eyes smiling in my direction.

“I’m glad you like it.”

“I more than like it. It’s like a fantasy world back here. You’ve created something magical.” My eyes leave hers for only a moment to glance around again. “This must have taken a great deal of time and patience.”

“Still does, but Shan comes up and helps me quite a bit. You should see me try to lug around the wheelbarrow full of mulch.” She laughs. “The boy all but grounded me from trying that again.”

“He’s very helpful.”

“You two have become close friends, I hear. Must be true if you’ve come up here to spend some time with us, away from your family.”

“Yes, he’s helped me through a tough time.” My eyes drop. “Not that the difficulties are over, but I’m getting there.”

“I heard about what you did, even after your school lacked the cojones to do anything for you.”

This time I chuckle.

“You’re a brave woman to keep going, and for not stopping even though Shan screwed things up along the way.”

We reach the table and I sit down slowly, eyeing the strawberry-and-basil-infused water in the jar. Nicole reaches for the pitcher and pours me a glass, reading my desires by merely watching my body language. It’s the training we’ve had in group as well. Ways to see the signs when words don’t come outright, or to see through the lies. It’s a talent, but at a cost.

“I hope you don’t mind me bringing this up, but I know it would have been hard to talk about if I hadn’t.” Her hand moves absently to touch her scarf, assuring that it stays in place. “Even my closest friends never bring up the past, so I like to clear the air for people when the circumstances call for it. Ones like this.”

“Your story, though I admit scared me, also moved me. And then, when I saw Shan…”

“Yes, that was quite a shock, I am sure,” she adds.

“Quite, but Shan had seen me before, when I had, well, when I couldn’t hide.”

Her hand reaches out and touches mine, squeezing it softly and curling her fingers under my palm to take a gentle hold.

“I bring it all back for him, and I can’t hurt him like that.” I begin to hold her hand firmer, trying to use the supportive touch to get me through this. I don’t even know what this is. “And you, I’m sure you’d rather your son be with someone more stable, less broken.”

“Broken? I think not, young lady. And even so, even if there are spots crinkled and cracked, it’s through those painful parts of our lives we find what we are made of, and what we can truly be. From what I hear, you are strong, brave, and bold. And though you’d think he’d be biased, knowing how he feels about you, my son isn’t one to falsely lay claims to someone’s nature. He’s never held back his true feelings, not especially when I stayed with his father when I should have left. It was my deaf ears that failed me and my family, but we can’t stay stuck there, in that regret and failure. We have to move forward, through the chaos and the difficulty to find our brilliance.” She motions around the garden, and I am in awe again as butterflies and dragonflies flit about, touching upon branches and lapping up nectar.

“I just need to be sure.”

“Sure of what, dear?”

“Sure that I am clear of my mistake before I can open my heart again.”

“That is a very sound way of thinking.” She nods.

We sit in silence for a few minutes, looking around with broad smiles, enjoying the warm sunshine before shadows can begin to travel across the world Shan’s mom has created with her family.

“Beauty out of the dirt and rocks,” I remark.

“Yes. It’s there, but it takes time and I won’t lie, it’s a lot of hard work. Ongoing work.”

“Some things are worth it,” I reply.

“Yes, they are.”

I didn’t hear the car come up the drive, or the gate swing open. It is the brightness on Nicole’s face that signals Shan’s arrival.

“I see that you two have officially met.”

The melodic, masculine voice makes my heart quiver. In person he has a much stronger impact than on the phone—so much in fact that I doubt I can will my legs to stand with the shakiness he has created, or maybe it’s more like a melting. Shan moves into my line of sight, taking my breath away in the golden rays of the coming sunset.

“Your mom’s garden is unbelievable,” I manage. “The work it must have taken you all.”

“It was worth it.” His words nearly echo mine exactly, making me wonder if he overheard me or if we are just that connected. I am opting to believe the latter.

So, not just friends?

Maybe not.

 

Dinner is outstanding. Many of the pickled veggies in the salad are from Nicole’s garden, along with the lettuce. Her neighbors and friends have farms, so she gets local cheeses and meats as well. I can’t remember when I felt this good after a meal.

Having always wanted to learn a little bit French, I enjoy learning from Clara, who’s been living in France for over a year. Clara teases Shan constantly throughout the dinner while he struggles to pronounce the words in what she deems an appropriate accent, but I have a feeling he’s lousing it up more drastically than is truly warranted.

“You’re impossible,” she grumbles to him on more than one occasion during the meal, though it’s followed by her jesting tongue stuck out out in Shan’s direction.

“You’d like my sister, Laura. You remind me of her.” I laugh looking between the two. “Or maybe you two joking with each other reminds me of us.”

“You’re leaving to see her tonight? Is that right?” Clara asks. “It’s going to be a dark ride—maybe you should just stay?”

It’s Shan’s turn to give her an annoyed look. “I’m sure April can make up her own mind. We are older than you, little sis.”

But I am already considering the offer, not having thought it out very well with everything else going on.

Just friends time is officially out the door.

I giggle to myself only to have the heat flush my cheeks in front of Shan and his sister. Nicole just smiles between the exchanges, on occasion speaking perfect French with Clara, but most of the time simply enjoying having both of her kids home.

“Clara,” Ms. Bends sings to her daughter, “why don’t you help me clean up in the kitchen.”

With a wink to her brother, Clara takes off after her mom with her dark ponytail bouncing along the way.

 

Now, with Clara and Nicole gone, Shan and I sit side by side, as we did all night, but now that low, buzzing spark between us flares to life.

“You can nearly see every star from up here,” he declares, turning toward me with his dark eyes and brain-melting smile, sending a thrill through my chest.

“I’d love to see them. It’s such a clear night.” My response is shaky, and realizing that I’m not breathing, I take a fairly obvious inhale—shaky as well, of course.

“I’ll tell my mom we’re taking a drive. I have the perfect place.” He stands, taking my hand with his to pull me to my feet as well. “Maybe grab a sweater?”

I nod as he pulls from me, letting his fingers go limp, but I don’t release his hand.

“Your family is wonderful,” I marvel softly, using his hand to pull him closer instead of letting him slip away. “I’m happy I came.”

With a curve of his lips and a glimmer in his eyes, he takes my words and motions to mean exactly what I hope he’d notice. My idea of just being friends was just that, an idea, and one I have decided to cast aside after nearly two weeks of distance.

I lift to my toes as his head dips down. My lips, nearly touching his, tingle with a vibration, with a need. I move in that last half an inch and meet his mouth with mine. It may not have been the deepest, longest kiss, but it was the most passionate one. One without the worries of my past, or his.

“I’m guessing you’ve changed your mind?”

“How’d you guess?” I smirk.

“That was not something I’ve ever felt, or done, with just a friend,” he replies while brushing the back of his hand against my cheek. “And I may not have known you for long, but I do know you, April, and that was more than just a kiss.”

I heat at his words but ignore my potential for shyness and press my palms to his chest. “You are very perceptive. Of course, I knew that about you. It’s one of the things I love about you.”

Shan’s eyes widen and his chest lifts before I have a chance to move my hand over it to circle his shoulders.

“Weren’t we going somewhere?”

Shan’s head nods. He’s at a loss for words. My worry that I may have said too much is pushed aside by the surety in my heart that he feels the same way.

With a blanket, desserts, and few of his mom’s bottles of beer, Shan and I set off to get a better look at the stars. By the looks of his path, we are going to a very private place, and the anticipation is bringing titillating pictures of what may happen tonight to my mind.

“I found this spot looking for a good jogging route. I think you’ll like it.”

We left the paved road a while ago, but I hardly notice the bouncing as I take in the beauty, even in the dark where the moonlight hits the trees and nighttime bloomers. After Shan stops the car where we can no longer go farther once our headlights meet a wall of trees, he points to a trail off to the right.

“It’s a short walk to the clearing. It has a killer view.”

While I close the car door behind me, Shan wrestles in the trunk. Side by side, we follow the wide beam of his flashlight. Once the trail begins to tighten, I snag the bulky blanket under his other arm and follow his back the rest of the way.

“You weren’t kidding,” I manage, once the curtain of trees parts to reveal the spectacular view.

The world unfolds both below us and above. My eyes shift from the town beneath to the mountains in the distance, and then over to where I watch as Shan shakes out the blanket before I look upward to the blanket of stars in the sky.

“So many heroes and their magical creatures, families, and nemeses,” I observe.

“Yes, I think you’re going to have to put yourself up there someday.”

“You’ll be up there with me. Which ones should be ours? They can’t all be taken yet, can they?” I smile at Orion’s Belt, the constellation I’m drawn to in the night sky ever since I was a child. “My aunt loves the stars. We always look for Orion, Perseus, Andromeda, and Pegasus. Now, when I look at Orion, I’ll think of you.”

With a pat on the quilted blanket, Shan draws my attention to his left. My trembling legs make it difficult to sit gracefully, but I somehow manage to snuggle up next to him, both our gazes cast to the glowing lights in the sky.

“I don’t have any star people in my family, but I do know the Big Dipper and the Little Dipper,” he admits. “And I love the movie Clash of the Titans, so I at least know who you’re talking about. Can you see them now?”

“Yes, just over there Perseus, Andromeda, and Cassiopeia are in a line, but I can’t see Pegasus tonight. Sometimes I can find a wingtip.” The four constellations cluster together, the mom, the daughter, and the hero with his winged beauty, and I wonder again where our story will go. “You know”—I smirk—“I made a Clash of the Titans board game in middle school. Medusa was my favorite baddie.”

“She used to give me nightmares,” Shan admits. “My mom said I woke her up every night for weeks after seeing her in that movie.”

Our gazes shift upward again, our eyes roaming a sky full of heroes and villains, all Greek myths alight in a pitch-dark sky. The rhythms of the surrounding forest create a soundtrack to this beautiful night, the perfect backdrop to a happier story down on Earth than many of the tragedies in the sky.

“Two heroes together up in the stars. I like it, though it’s still sometimes hard to think of myself in that way.” My statement is a whisper since my breath has been taken away by the sight of the man next to me in the cascading night. His snug, light-weight jacket reveals his strength while his soft, dark eyes and light shadow of a beard exude a sexiness I won’t resist for long.

“What’s not to see? I see a champion for women who can’t speak for themselves. That’s what we called my mom once she started doing her talks, and I think it rings true for you too.”

It’s still hard to think of myself as a hero after what I allowed to happen. Is there really a fine line between strengths and weaknesses?

I can’t peel my eyes away from Shan and the view of stars reflected in his eyes. He smiles warmly, and I know in this moment I could never have stayed away and just been friends for that long anyhow.

“Thank you for giving me the space when I needed it.”

“Yeah, that wasn’t easy. I was hopeful, and now here you are with me tonight.”

“The power of positive thinking,” I declare.

Shan chuckles and then leans in, his hand moving into my hair before pressing his lips to mine while finding a way to weave between them with his tongue. I find his with mine and we both begin a sort of dance around each other. Both of us kissing and touching and moving our hands back and forth between each other’s hair, back, legs, and then when he finds my chest, I push against him even more.

The privacy underneath the evening sky makes it easy for me to pull my shirt up over my head and slowly unclasp my bra. Shan watches me with wonderment. As if on autopilot, he removes his shirt as well. While we face each other, both of us on our knees, I take a moment to touch each part of his chest, along his ribs, down to his firm stomach, and back up to his shoulders. With both perfectly built shoulders in my hands, I release one to smoothly reach up his neck and grab Shan to kiss him. He uses his momentum to push me down onto my back. Leveraging himself to hover on top of me, while sending soft fingers down my neck, between my breasts, and without dwelling there for long, he reaches one hand to unzip my pants just enough for him to be able to reach down inside. I go tense and then limp in a matter of seconds. My mind obviously does not know what to do once he has ahold of my being. My very essence drips from my body and exhales from my lungs. This is bliss.

I pant as his fingers slide in and out of me, first one and then another. His mouth closes around mine with a moan. I try to squirm beneath him to get my hand to the top of his jeans. With a flick of two fingers the top button gives way, but I can’t reach the zipper. A dizziness takes over and my arm goes slack as his rhythm inside me continues, but I manage to get ahold of myself and snag behind his neck to look into his eyes. He stops for a moment, lowering to kiss me again, and I manage to get my hand to his zipper and push it down. I try to work to remove his jeans, but Shan thankfully lifts off of me, coming to stand before dropping his jeans and boxers to the blanket. I shimmy and deftly work my hands and remove everything else, tossing it aside.

At first, a chill pours through me from the cold air, but it quickly changes to one of building anticipation. I long for him to be inside of me, but instead of freezing for a split second once he lowers on top of me once again, my body responds to something deep inside my mind.

He’s not Derrick. He’ll never be him either.

“Are you sure this is okay? We can slow down if you want.” He senses my unease. Stupid subconscious.

“No, please don’t stop. I want this, I really do. It’s just…”

“I’m not like him, April. I would never hurt you like he did, I promise.”

“You don’t even have to say anything. I knew that a long time ago.”

A slow pressure touches me, delicately searching and rubbing along my soft skin where I am already stimulated to the brink. I take slow inhales and he gives me a sexy kiss before mimicking my deep breaths.

Once he enters me, it is a blissful heat and pressure. Something more than physical passes between us as we make love, and I am lost in this moment, surrounded by a beautiful backdrop of the forest and night sky. The stars above dance to our passion along with the creation of a bond stronger than anything I have ever experienced before. This is love and true passion, and it is new and incredible. As if it was hiding inside all along, and Shan is the only one who could have fully set it free. We share the climbing and aching build-up before our sensual tandem releases.

Shan’s hand curls the side of the blanket around us and we lie side by side, reveling in the passion and bliss as if we were the only two people in the world. “You are amazing, April. I have never felt this way before. I don’t want this night to end.”

“I think it will live on in my heart forever, plus we have all of the time in the world together now.” I sigh while curling into his chest. “Nothing or no one will keep us apart ever again.”

“I wish I could teach him a lesson, but I know that will only cause more problems for us. I learned that the hard way with my dad.”

“I think he’s learned one already, and I really am sorry about your mom, and sorry for all of you. I can’t even imagine what you’ve gone through, what you’re still going through, but you three have each other. He could never destroy that bond or your love for each other.”

“It’s helped me see what love isn’t, and now I know what true love is. It’s how I feel for you.” Shan’s fingers lift my chin to look into my eyes.

“You do? I, I think I’ve been in love with you since before we even spoke. That’s silly isn’t it?”

“No, April. I love you, silly, happy, sad, and all.”

“I love you, too.”

“You are perfect for me, and you look unbelievably gorgeous and sexy tonight,” he purrs into my ear. “I’m sorry if I can’t take my hands off of you.”

“And I don’t want you to.”