Honor one another above yourselves.
ROMANS 12:10
Agnes Bojaxhiu spent her adult life serving the poor, sick, orphaned, and dying among the poorest of the poor in the horrific slums of Calcutta, India. When she started an open-air school for slum children, she was joined by volunteer helpers. Financial support began to come in as she loved and cared for people that no one else was prepared to look after.
Later known as Mother Teresa, Agnes was dearly loved the world over. In 1979 she was honored with the Nobel Peace Prize “for work undertaken in the struggle to overcome poverty and distress.” Not surprisingly, she refused the conventional ceremonial banquet given to laureates and asked that the funds ($192,000) instead be given to the poor in India.
The secret of Mother Teresa’s global impact flowed from the way she saw people. She did not see the people she served as wrapped in filth, filled with disease, disfigured by sores, or covered with flies. She saw something else. When asked how she could love such filthy, stinking, sick, helpless, hopeless people, she simply answered, “Each one of them is Jesus in disguise.”1
Secret #4
Honor others.
I used to have two colleagues who were similar in many respects but whose lives had vastly different impacts. Both had PhDs. Both were respected professors. Both were committed Christians. Yet one was very popular and loved by his students while the other was … let’s just say he was not as well loved. The first man led a thriving ministry. The other man’s church was dying.
What was the difference?
The way they treated people.
Although this wasn’t the entire reason, it summarized the situation clearly. Whenever I saw the first man, he always smiled, always said my name, and always said something affirming to me. I walked away after talking with him feeling valued by him and better about myself. I noticed that he treated everyone this way. He honored people.
My other colleague was not someone you liked to see coming. He usually made a dig, a cut, or a cute comment. He could be belittling, condescending, and patronizing—and often was. He almost never gave a compliment. When I walked away after talking with him, I usually felt depreciated or worn down. He treated everyone this way. He failed to actively honor other people.
Nothing builds a relationship more than the atmosphere of esteem and honor. Nothing erodes it more than a climate of disrespect. When a person breathes an atmosphere of respect and regard, others respond. People respect people who respect them. If you want to have better relationships, learn to honor others.
Honor one another above yourselves.
ROMANS 12:10
By the twelfth chapter of Paul’s letter to the Romans, he gets very practical. When he gives relational advice, honoring others is central. The Greek word Paul chooses for “honor” speaks of “placing high value on” others. It means “to prefer,” “give precedence to,” “defer to,” and “revere.” Paul adds that we are to honor one another above ourselves. We are to let others have the credit. The grammar of this verse carries the idea that when we seek to honor others, it is not to make ourselves look good—instead, we are to compete to see who can honor others the most.
Below is a chart that shows the difference between actions that honor others and actions that take advantage of others. See which ones you’re already good at and which ones you need to work on.
| Actions That Honor Others | Actions That Dishonor Others |
| Actively try to help others look good even at your own expense | Try to make yourself look good at someone else’s expense |
| Words of appreciation and affirmation | Disapproval, criticism, putdowns Give credit |
| Take credit Take the initiative to clear up misunderstandings | Refuse to act to resolve misunderstandings |
| Criticize only in private | Criticize in front of others |
| Ask others for their opinions | Fail to seek the opinions of others |
| Update people on their status, progress, or anything else that may affect them | Keep people in the dark and purposely withhold information |
| Impartiality | Favoritism |
| Give your full attention, active listening | Disinterest |
| Notice when others need encouragement and give it | Fail to notice the feelings of others, insensitive |
Unconditional honor and respect is incredibly powerful in building relationships. When honor is present it will greatly reduce the number of conflicts you experience in your relationships. It will energize your relationships and enhance your friendships.
Jesus said we should treat others as we hope they will treat us.
“In everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets.”
MATTHEW 7:12
Honoring others tends to work in a cycle. Relationship expert Dr. Emerson Eggerichs refers to the “Crazy Cycle,” in which couples do the same crazy things over and over again with the same negative results. The opposite of that is what I call the Honor Cycle.
The Honor Cycle works like this: if you honor and respect others, the odds increase that they will honor and respect you, and your relationship will begin to spiral upward. No matter where you start from, the relationship can go as high as both people wish if both will diligently and consistently do their part. The more both people put into doing their part, the faster it will go.
Yet the converse is also true. If you fail to honor others, they will be less likely to honor you, and you’ll be more likely to lapse into the Crazy Cycle.
The beautiful aspect of the Honor Cycle is that you have the power to speed the process. The more often you give others honor and respect, the easier it will be for them to respect you. If you want more respect, give greater honor.
Just as you can speed the process, you also can slow it down or even accelerate it in the wrong direction. If you fail to give others honor and respect, they will not give it in return.
Do not be deceived: God cannot be mocked.
A man reaps what he sows.
GALATIANS 6:7
It is called the Law of the Harvest. If a farmer hopes to harvest a crop of wheat, he first must plant some wheat. If he fails to plant anything, he cannot expect to reap anything. If he fails to plant wheat, he will not reap wheat.
The Law of the Harvest extends beyond the farm into the sphere of relationships as well. For example, the next time you eat in a restaurant, treat your waitress with respect. Make her feel like a peer or above. I guarantee she will reciprocate by giving you better service. On the other hand, if treat your waitress as if she is intellectually and socially beneath you, you will notice that the service she provides is probably the bare minimum.
If you want to reap honor in your relationships, start by honoring others. It will usually be reciprocated. If a father treats his son with respect, his son will usually respond with respect. If a pastor honors his flock, they will honor him. If a professor treats her class with respect, they will listen to and respect her.
We do not know a lot about the first century church at Philippi, but we do know that they had some unity struggles (see Philippians 1:27; 2:1–11; 4:2–5). In the second chapter of his letter to the Philippians, Paul shows the type of persons they need to be in order to glorify God through their relationships.
First, Paul calls them to add to his joy by living in unity, love, and harmony with each other.
Fill up and complete my joy by living in harmony and being of the same mind and one in purpose, having the same love, being in full accord and of one harmonious mind and intention.
PHILIPPIANS 2:2 AMP
Then Paul tells them how to live in harmonious relationships. The secret is very simple, but not necessarily easy—stop being self-centered and start being selfless in your approach to others.
Do nothing from factional motives [through contentiousness, strife, selfishness, or for unworthy ends] or prompted by conceit and empty arrogance. Instead, in the true spirit of humility (lowliness of mind) let each regard the others as better than and superior to himself [thinking more highly of one another than you do of yourselves]. Let each of you esteem and look upon and be concerned for not [merely] his own interests, but also each for the interests of others.
PHILIPPIANS 2:3–4 AMP
In these verses Paul addresses self-centeredness as an obvious relationship killer. Close relationships cannot coexist with self-centeredness, which destroys unity, harmony, and intimacy. In this verse, self-centeredness has three primary expressions: a competitive spirit, a proud heart, and a selfish outlook.
“Do nothing from factional motives [through contentiousness, strife, selfishness, or for unworthy ends]“: Overly competitive people always struggle in relationships. They view others as rivals and always seek to “win.” They get angry or sulk in self-pity when they aren’t considered right, first, or best. Selfishly ambitious people can’t stand it when others get the credit, get the promotion, or enjoy success, because they wrongly feel as if they’ve lost out. A competitive spirit does not build relationships. It kills them.
“Do nothing … prompted by conceit and empty arrogance”: Proud people are arrogant and boastful. They have an insatiable thirst for attention and validation. Self-centered people end up with an excessively high or inflated view of themselves. They think of themselves as superior to others and expect to be served. Looking down on others from a supposed position of superiority kills relationships.
“Let each of you esteem and look upon and be concerned for not [merely] his own interests”: Selfish people are obsessively focused on themselves. They think and talk so much about themselves, their well-being, their comfort, their activities, their feelings, their problems, and their opinions that they totally overlook the true needs of others. Instead of building unity, intimacy, and harmony, selfishness destroys it.
Paul not only points out the relationship killers—he also gives four powerful relationship builders.
“In the true spirit of humility (lowliness of mind)”: True humility builds relationships. True humility is not so much thinking negatively of yourself as it is thinking accurately about yourself and others, realizing that we are all recipients of God’s unmerited grace and unconditional mercy. Everything good about any of us is by the gracious gift of God. True humility is not so much thinking poorly of yourself as it is thinking so much about others that you are not thinking much about yourself at all.
“Let each regard the others as better than and superior to himself [thinking more highly of one another than you do of yourselves]”: Too often we think too highly of ourselves by focusing on negative things about others and overlooking the negative things about ourselves. An honoring attitude actively regards and mentions the positive things about others. An honoring attitude seeks the good of others, even when it comes at our own expense.
“Let each of you esteem and look upon and be concerned for not [merely] his own interests, but also each for the interests of others”: Nothing hurts a relationship like one person feeling as if they’ve been used by another to get ahead. Paul advises putting oneself aside in order to help others get ahead.
“Let each of you esteem and look upon and be concerned for not [merely] his own interests, but also each for the interests of others”: An others-oriented spirit seeks to promote others ahead of ourselves. It is letting go of the obsession to get our own advantage and forgetting ourselves to help others get ahead. Our heartbeat becomes meeting the needs of others and helping them succeed. It is saying, “I’m here to serve you and help you get where you want to go.”
Tim is one of the finest young pianists in the country. He is an incredible musician with natural gifts and genius honed through years of diligent practice. He enjoys perfect pitch and flawless tonal memory. Everyone loves him for his active humility, especially those students he accompanies on the piano. He is noted for the encouraging words he offers to everyone he plays for.
During a performance, Tim carefully works his magic to play in such a way as to make the young soloists sound their very best. He lowers his volume to show off the singer’s strengths and raises it at exactly the right moment to hide their weaknesses. His facial expressions show his abundant joy in their success. His body language focuses all of the attention on the vocalist when the applause of the crowd celebrates the pair for the job they have just completed. In this way, Tim honors others and has built many strong relationships as a result.
Mary Kay Ash retired in her mid-forties to write a book to help women in business. The book turned into a business plan for her ideal company. After her husband died, she launched her new business with a five thousand dollar investment. Founded on the golden rule, her cosmetics company blossomed. She advocated “praising people to success,” and her slogan, “God first, family second, career third,” expressed her insistence that the women in her company keep their lives in balance. She wrote three books that all became bestsellers.
Much of Mary Kay’s success in life and business was based on her commitment to honor others. She observed, “Everyone has an invisible sign hanging from their neck saying, ‘Make me feel important.’ Never forget this message when working with people.”2 She also shrewdly noted, “There are two things that people want more than sex and money—recognition and praise.”3
In order to glorify God and to be effective, honoring others has to be more than a technique. It must be a core value. We must develop the lifestyle of discerning and expressing the value of other human beings. We must assign value and high worth to others by viewing them as God does: priceless. John Ortberg writes, “Every human being carries [a] sticker from God: ‘Made in my image; worth the life of my Son. My prized possession whose value is beyond calculation.’“4
The story is told of a poor traveler who was astounded by the treatment he received at a particular monastery. He was served a lavish meal, escorted to the finest room, and given a new set of clothes. As he left, he commented to the abbot about how extremely well he had been treated.
“We treat our guests as if they are angels,” the abbot said, “just to be on the safe side.”
Let me offer some suggestions for how you can practically honor others:
• See everyone as made in God’s image and someone Jesus died for.
• Say “thank you” often.
• Affirm and encourage others.
• Return calls, texts, and e-mails promptly.
• Don’t keep others waiting.
• Stand up when someone enters the room.
• Call if you are running late.
• Don’t correct adults in front of others.
• Let your subordinates shine.
• Give the credit away.
• Keep the promises you make.
• Treat subordinates as equals.
• Do not pull rank on someone.
• Keep confidences sacred.
• Do not use information shared in confidence against that person.
• See others as wearing a sign that reads, “Make me feel important.”
• Only speak negatively of ideas or policies, not people.
• Never criticize someone else’s children.
• Do not milk a friend for information.
• Never conspire with others against a friend.
• Do not let friends get blindsided by their weaknesses.
• Clarify issues with truth.
• Be sensitive with practical jokes.
• Never flatter.
• Don’t get involved in others’ affairs unless invited.
• Compliment deeds done well.
• Clean up after yourself.
• Use good manners.
• Don’t compete, complete.
• Never climb over someone to get ahead.
• Lend a hand.
• Laugh with others, but only laugh at yourself.
• Honor others by seeing them as “Jesus in disguise.”
Notes
1. Mother Teresa, www.brainyquote.com/quotes/authors/m/mother_teresa_2.html.
2. Mary Kay Ash, www.quotationsbook.com/quote/31858.
3. Mary Kay Ash, http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotesm/marykayash148279.html.
4. Ortberg, Everybody’s Normal, 205.