Therefore confess your sins to each other.
JAMES 5:16
I love you guys.”
This was the intimacy-celebrating sentiment expressed by a pack of men who had spent a Saturday morning together. We had eaten breakfast together, sang a few songs, laughed at some bad jokes, and studied scripture. These men had done similar things before with little impact … but this day was different.
We had also spent a considerable amount of time confessing our fears and sins to each other and praying for one another. Men shared their fears about losing their jobs. Guys wept over pornography addictions. A surprising number had opened up about being angry and harsh with their wives and children. A couple of men spoke of the guilt they felt over gambling.
It was messy but good. God was obviously there. Honesty had paved the way to intimacy. Men who had come together as little more than strangers were heartily hugging each other and pounding one another on the back. They even started calling other guys “Brother” and actually meant it.
After that day, things were different. Small handfuls of men began meeting weekly for breakfast, Bible study, and accountability. Many commented that they felt as if they were living their Christianity for the first time.
That was fifteen years ago. Since then, I have seen the scenario reenacted dozens of times with other groups of men. I have seen it happen at men’s retreats and youth retreats, in seminary classrooms, and in home Bible studies. Honesty is the forgotten key to intimacy and a secret to better relationships.
Secret #1
Sincere confession and genuine authenticity.
You know the story. In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth, the plants and the animals, and man. God surveyed His work and declared it very good (Genesis 1:31). But unlike each of the animals, Adam did not have a corresponding companion. So God took one of Adam’s ribs and created a woman.
Adam was no longer alone. He and Eve shared a deep level of intimacy as they were “both naked, and they felt no shame” (Genesis 2:25). Both experienced the joy of fully knowing and being known. They relished the image of God they saw in each other. Fear, shame, guilt, and hiding were absolutely foreign to both of them. All they knew was that they were completely known and unconditionally accepted.
You also know the rest of the story. Theologians call it the Fall. The sweet goodness of the universe crashed. The man and the woman whom God had created disobeyed Him. Sin invaded the world. Depravity invaded mankind. And intimacy vanished.
Then the eyes of both of them were opened, and they realized they were naked; so they sewed fig leaves together and made coverings for themselves.
GENESIS 3:7 (EMPHASIS ADDED)
Their eyes were “opened.” This is what they had hoped for when they ate the forbidden fruit. But the dream turned into a nightmare. The serpent had betrayed them!
Before, when they looked at each other, they saw the beauty of the image of God shining through the other. But now, instead of seeing their best friend, they saw a stranger. Instead of being joyously “other conscious,” they now were shamefully self-conscious. Instead of feeling fully known and securely loved, they felt guilt and grief.
They not only saw each other, but they saw themselves … as naked and ashamed. So they tried to hide from each other behind fig leaves. And the hiding did not stop there.
Then the man and his wife heard the sound of the LORD God as he was walking in the garden in the cool of the day, and they hid from the LORD God among the trees of the garden.
GENESIS 3:8 (EMPHASIS ADDED)
Since the moment of his creation, Adam had always looked forward to the sound of God walking in the garden. But this time it was different. Foreign and ugly feelings washed over him—guilt, shame, fear. So instead of running to God, he ran from Him and hid, like a bad little boy.
But the LORD God called to the man, “Where are you?”
GENESIS 3:9
This is an interesting question. Why did God ask Adam where he was? Being omniscient and omnipresent, God already knew Adam’s exact location. As John Ortberg keenly observes, “This question is not about geographical location. It is not really a request for information…. It is an invitation. God allows Adam to hide. God offers him the opportunity to reveal himself.”1
He [Adam] answered, “I heard you in the garden, and I was afraid because I was naked; so I hid.” And he [God] said, “Who told you that you were naked? Have you eaten from the tree that I commanded you not to eat from?”
The man said, “The woman you put here with me—she gave me some fruit from the tree, and I ate it.”
GENESIS 3:10–12 (EMPHASIS ADDED)
Disobedience quickly left a depressing trail. Immediately Adam expressed terror (“I was afraid”); experienced humiliation (“because I was naked”); practiced hiding (“so I hid”); and began blaming (“the woman you put here”). These results—fear, shame, hiding, and blaming—are the same things that sabotage our own efforts at intimacy.
This is an astounding statement: Before the Fall, there was no fear—no need for fear. After the Fall, fear breeds confusion. On one hand we crave intimacy, and on the other we’re afraid of it. We’re afraid others will see our flaws, weaknesses, and insecurities. We’re afraid if others really knew us, they would reject us. We feel like fakes and frauds in a world that seems to have it all together.
Initially Adam and Eve’s nakedness was innocent—they were naked, but they felt no shame (Genesis 2:25). But now their nakedness was stained by sin. Now they were naked and ashamed. Unlike true guilt, which says, “I have done something bad,” shame says, “I am bad.” Shame leaves us feeling cheap and unworthy of love and respect. Guilt is specific. Shame is general. Guilt can have good results in that it drives us to repentance. Shame has no good outcomes.
Hiding is a curse. It is the result of fear and shame. We hide to keep from being exposed and rejected. We hide to keep from being hurt. We may hide by withdrawing from relationships entirely, but most of us use “fig leaves.” Common fig leaves include busyness, humor, shallow conversation, supposed intelligence, or spirituality.
When we’re exposed, as inevitably we are, we try to protect ourselves by shifting the focus from our weakness to someone else’s.
As a seminary professor, I train future pastors. One of the courses we recently developed is called Ministry Matters. In it we help potential pastors prepare to face the things that knock people out of vocational ministry. We deal with issues such as the call to vocational ministry, the calling to a specific church, stress, boundaries, burnout, finances, marriage, recreation, people skills, conflict resolution, leadership, and intimacy issues.
As I prepared to write the course curriculum, I was initially surprised at the importance of intimacy in ministerial longevity. But the more I studied, the clearer it became: mishandled intimacy issues not only wreck relationships, they wreck people, including pastors and churches.
Michael Todd Wilson and Brad Hoffmann, in their helpful book Preventing Ministry Failure, point out that, “When we reject intimacy with God and like-minded believers, our need for it doesn’t go away. It merely goes underground.”2 They explain that our innate God-given desire for intimacy is like radioactive material. When used properly, it generates great power to bless. When buried underground, it leaks out, polluting its surroundings and hurting people. Our yearning for intimacy, when handled properly, provides a full life of vibrant relationships. Burying it eventually contaminates every aspect of our lives.
Wilson and Hoffmann identify more than a dozen indicators of living with a lack of human intimacy. They also give some common, yet inadequate, substitutions for true intimacy. Read through these lists slowly and be ruthlessly honest. Ask yourself if any of these symptoms exist in your life.
• Difficulty beginning new relationships
• Passivity and detachment from others
• Seeing yourself as a victim
• Denying or hiding your feelings
• Using addictions and other behaviors to numb feelings
• Reluctance to ask for help
• Maintaining an unrealistic workload
• Privacy
• Minimizing the feelings of others
• Struggling with honesty in relationships
• Avoiding conflict
• Using anger to control others
• Avoiding direct communications
• Refusing to take risks
• Taking yourself too seriously
• No hobbies (unless they are compulsive, competitive, or income producing).3
• Excessive TV watching, Internet use, or other isolating activities (even reading or study, when used as an escape)
• Compulsive hobbies
• Overeating
• Oversleeping
• Angry outbursts
• Chronic bitterness
• Workaholism
• Emotional or physical infidelity
• Pornography
• Drug or alcohol use4
The road to intimacy leads down the path of honesty. Honesty inevitably leads to disclosure and confession.
During Jesus’ time on earth, the apostle John was one of His closest friends. John is noted for his affection for Jesus (John 13:23). John’s three letters reveal the supreme value he placed on love and relationships (see 1 John 2:3–15; 3:1–18, 23; 4:7–12, 16–21; 5:1–3; 2 John 1–6; 3 John 1–9). John addresses the requirement of confession and honesty, which lead to both vertical and horizontal intimacy.
John uses the metaphor of light to mark a pure, authentic, clear, bright relationship. God dwells in such a state with Himself. If we want to experience an unclouded relationship with God and with others, we must choose to walk in the light.
This is the message we have heard from him and declare to you: God is light; in him there is no darkness at all. If we claim to have fellowship with him and yet walk in the darkness, we lie and do not live out the truth. But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus, his Son, purifies us from all sin.
1 JOHN 1:5–7
John says that the issue of sin must be faced courageously if we’re to enjoy fellowship with God and with others. Unresolved sin darkens our relationships. Choosing to sin is like walking into the shadows. Therefore, we must confess sin, fear, shame, and guilt. Then God will forgive us, and we can walk in the light with Him and really experience a shared and close relationship with others.
If we claim to be without sin, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our
sins and purify us from all unrighteousness. If we claim we have not sinned, we make him out to be a liar and his word is not in us.
1 JOHN 1:8–10
The key is our willingness to confess our sins. The term confess literally means “to say the same thing; to assent, agree with, concede; declare; acknowledge guilt.” As we see our sin as God sees it, personally acknowledging it, we step out of the shadows into the sunshine. Honesty is the path to intimacy.
Honesty is the path to intimacy. Note what Proverbs says:
Whoever conceals their sins does not prosper, but the one who confesses and renounces them finds mercy.
PROVERBS 28:13
Concealing our sins, hiding, and refusing to confess shuts us off from the grace of God. Confessing and renouncing our sin positions us to receive mercy.
In other words, sin is unconquered until it is uncovered.
Men who struggle with a healthy closeness to God and with other men often have intimacy issues with women as well. They also find themselves struggling with strongholds they just cannot shake on their own. These usually include anger, lust, pornography, alcohol or drug abuse, gambling, or work addiction. Often it stems from hurt and distance in their relationship with their earthly father.
Over and over again, I have seen men who have struggled with the same sins for years find grace and victory when they confess the sins to God in the company of others. Sin begins to be conquered when sin is uncovered. If men will engage in an ongoing, authentic relationship that includes accountability with a few other men, they can experience true and lasting victory.
History tells us that Jesus’ half brother James served as one of the leaders of the large church of Jerusalem. Eventually many of his flock were scattered because of fierce persecution. James wrote them a letter in which he also pointed to honesty as the pathway to intimacy. I especially like Eugene Peterson’s rendering of James’s instructions.
Make this your common practice: Confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you can live together whole and healed.
JAMES 5:16 MSG
Note that healing is the result of confession to one another. Many of us were taught to confess our sins only to God, but that is not what James says. He says confess “to each other.”
Let me also point out that the verb tense of the term confess speaks to continual action. The act of honestly confessing to each other was not to be merely a one-time act, but rather an ongoing, common practice.
Note also that once sin is confessed, the confessor is not to be left high and dry. He or she is to be prayed for, and those prayers are also to be an ongoing, regular, and common practice.
Finally, notice that the result of authentic, honest confession and prayer is healing. Peterson places it in context when he writes, “So that you can live together whole and healed.” The word heal means “to cure, make whole, restore; to bring about salvation.” James is telling us that open, ongoing confession of sin to others who will respond with prayer opens the door to an outpouring of God’s grace. Physical healing, emotional wholeness, relational restoration, and deliverance from besetting sins are all possible.
Kevin Miller writes, “Confession to another Christian is not only commanded in the Bible (James 5:16), it’s the door to healing and holiness.”5 Richard Foster says that this type of confession is more than psychologically therapeutic. “It involves an objective change in our relationship with God and a subjective change in us. It is a means of healing and transforming the inner spirit.”6
I have seen the power of such confession not only in my life but in the lives of many others. The chains of lifelong sins have been broken. Deep wounds have been healed. Relationships with God have been restored.
But there is even more than the vertical and internal blessings that flow when true confession occurs. Honesty leads to intimacy with others.
We have discussed confessing sins as the path to intimacy, but the life of honesty goes beyond exposure of sin to disclosure of ourselves. In order to experience close and full relationships with God and others, we must live open, authentic lives. We must regularly and ruthlessly expose and admit our sins and disclose our scars, secrets, and struggles.
We all need the healing that comes from disclosing our scars.
As a teenager, I had a battle with lust and pornography. At various points, I was so discouraged that I wanted to give up on my Christian life. But one day, I gathered the courage to share with a few trusted friends that I had been exposed to pornography as a seven-year-old boy. I was hoping that they would not reject me or disrespect me. They didn’t. They prayed for me and shared their own scars. Deep healing and closeness resulted.
We all need a few trusted friends with whom we can disclose our secrets.
I was talking with a close friend recently. We have known each other several years and have become close through honesty and openness. He told me that I am one of very few people on earth that he trusts completely. Then I asked him a very specific question about his past. He gulped and replied, “I have never told anyone this before, but …” and he proceeded to tell me his deepest, darkest secret.
We all need the relief that comes from sharing our struggles.
One night at our small group Bible study, I was paired up to pray with my neighbor. He’s a great guy and seemed to have it all together, without a care in the world. This was the third or fourth time he and I had been paired up, and usually his prayer requests centered on his children—never anything about himself. But this time I guess he was feeling a level of trust with me. He dropped his head, rubbed his forehead, and sighed deeply. “I still can’t find a job,” he said, “and it’s killing me.” Just the simple act of telling me his struggle seemed to lighten his load immensely and gave us the beginnings of a deeper friendship.
Jesus modeled a life of utter transparency and disclosure with a few trusted friends. Obviously He had no sins to confess. But He did allow his followers and friends to see Him up close. He allowed His friends to see Him in unguarded moments of joy, sadness, anger, fatigue, and soul anguish. And they loved him for it.
I have learned the joy of living an open life. The pressure to protect, the fatigue of trying to cover up, is gone. As a result of my willingness to be appropriately open with others, others have been much more open with me. As a result, my relationships are better than ever. Honesty is the forgotten key to intimacy and a secret to better relationships.
Notes
1. Ortberg, Everybody’s Normal, 72–73.
2. Michael Todd Wilson and Brad Hoffmann, Preventing Ministry Failure (Downers Grove, IL: InterVarsity, 2007), 38.
3. Adapted from Wilson and Hoffmann, Preventing Ministry Failure, 39.
4. Ibid., 40.
5. Kevin Miller, “Church Discipline for Repetitive Sin,” Leadership Journal. net (May 22, 2009): http://www.christianitytoday.com/le/communitylife/discipleship/
churchdisciplinerepetitivesin.html?start=1.
6. Richard Foster, Celebration of Discipline (San Francisco: HarperSanFrancisco, 1998), 144.