“Be at peace with each other.”
MARK 9:50
Live in harmony with one another.
ROMANS 12:16
“Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called children of God.”
MATTHEW 5:9
Brian and Lindsey were both committed Christians and had been married for several years. Everyone considered Brian and Lindsey to be very nice people. They were both generous with their time and money. Yet neither one handled conflict well.
In the wake of the inevitable conflicts a new couple faces, their marriage was starting to unravel. Though they sincerely loved God and each other, it was as if they were always at war. When conflict hit, Lindsey usually yelled and attacked Brian. Brian often said nothing, but he harbored resentment deep inside. After a big fight, he might go days without speaking to Lindsey.
Growing up, neither Brian nor Lindsey had learned how to resolve conflict wisely. Brian’s family never fought about anything. Conflict was avoided at all costs, yet grudges were carried for years and resentments ran deep. Several members of his family were no longer speaking with one another.
Lindsey’s family, on the other hand, argued all the time, with angry shouting and ugly threats. In spite of the noise, the issues were never decided and the hurts never healed. They fought over the same unresolved issues again and again.
After one particularly ugly fight with Lindsey, Brian had had enough. He packed a suitcase and moved out of the house that night. Though he did not believe that divorce was right, he got up the next morning and went to a lawyer to draw up papers. He couldn’t take it anymore. Brian and Lindsey’s failure to understand and practice the essentials of peacemaking was killing their marriage.
Secret #10
Choose to make peace.
If two people are around each other for very long, conflict will result. We are all different. We have unique personalities, tastes, habits, preferences, experiences, passions, and ways of looking at and navigating life. These distinctions create differences. Beyond that, most of us live at a very fast pace, which naturally creates friction. Plus, we each have a fallen nature and live in a fallen world. That world throws stressful situations and painful circumstances at us. We’re not always at our best all the time. So conflicts arise. Someone feels misunderstood, wronged, denied, or unappreciated.
When relationships start, they are usually built on three factors: things we have in common; things about us that are different, but complementary; and things that are different and not complementary. The third factor is what causes friction.
No matter how deeply a man and woman love each other, no matter how long two friends have known each other, no matter how mature two Christians are in spiritual matters, they will eventually have conflict in that third area. It is unrealistic to expect otherwise.
Conflict in and of itself is not a problem. It is neutral—neither bad nor good. The goodness or badness of conflict depends on how we respond to it. If we fail to make peace effectively, our relationships will suffer.
Unresolved conflict is the ugly elephant-in-the-room or lethal cancer in too many failed relationships. Unresolved conflict will eventually erode the joy, rob the peace, and shred the commitments from our relationships.
Ken Sande, founder of Peacemaker Ministries, joined with a group of pastors, lawyers, and business people who wanted to encourage and assist Christians in responding to conflict biblically. As part of the peacemaker’s pledge he states that “conflict is an assignment, not an accident.”1
Our sovereign God might not create conflicts, but He often allows them to arise in our relationships for our good and His ultimate glory. Therefore we need to realize that conflict is always an opportunity.
Conflict can either be very destructive or very beneficial, depending on how it is handled. Every conflict we experience has great potential. When handled well, conflict can make us better, give us stronger relationships, and glorify God.
Jesus applauded peacemakers. In His teachings on true happiness, He said that peacemaking is an opportunity for us to discover ourselves and our place in God’s family, experience deeper personal satisfaction, and reflect the image of God.
“Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called children of God.”
MATTHEW 5:9
Jesus also prayed for peacemakers. In the agonizing prayer He offered to His Father just hours before dying on the cross, Jesus prayed that His followers would become peacemakers and thereby experience true unity.
“My prayer is not for them alone. I pray also for those who will believe in me through their message, that all of them may be one, Father, just as you are in me and I am in you. May they also be in us so that the world may believe that you have sent me.”
JOHN 17:20–21
Conflict is a necessary part of close relationships. It is always an opportunity to grow and to glorify God. Learn to view conflict as an assignment, not an accident.
The path of least resistance is not the solution to relational conflicts. When faced with conflict, some people try to avoid it entirely. But pretending that conflict doesn’t exist does not solve the situation and will ultimately make matters worse.
Others acknowledge that conflict exists but refuse to take action. This also accelerates and compounds problems (Genesis 16:1–6; 1 Samuel 2:22–25).
Still others try to escape conflict by ending the relationship, quitting the job, filing for divorce, or changing churches (Genesis 16:6–8). Their world gets smaller and smaller as they bail out of every relationship when it starts getting difficult.
The path of least resistance is not the solution to relational conflicts. Conflict does not resolve itself. Conflict must be courageously addressed. Jesus made it clear: you cannot have a bad relationship with people and maintain a good relationship with God. Your horizontal human relationships affect your vertical spiritual relationship with God.
Jesus told His followers that attempts at making peace would need to be taken before they could freely and fully worship God. In fact, He even said that their vertical worship of God was to be immediately halted until attempts were made to resolve a personal conflict with someone else. Only then could they return to worship God.
“Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother or sister has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to them; then come and offer your gift.”
MATTHEW 5:23–24
Jesus teaches that there comes a point when action must be taken, whether we are the offender or the offended. If we are the offender, we are to interrupt our worship in order to go and make things right. In the same way, if we are the offended party because someone has significantly hurt us, we are obligated to go to them privately, share with them how they have hurt us, and seek resolution to the conflict.
“If your brother or sister sins, go and point out their fault, just between the two of you. If they listen to you, you have won them over.”
MATTHEW 18:15
Putting these two passages together, it becomes clear that conflict must not be ignored. Whether we are the offender (Matthew 5:23–34) or the offended (Matthew 18:15) we are to take the initiative to make peace. Ideally both parties will meet in the middle as they run to each other to make things right.
Conflict is inevitable. The issue is not will you have conflicts in your relationships—you will. The issue is how will you handle the conflicts when they arise? People with good relationships handle conflict wisely. People with poor relationships don’t. Successful relationships are the result of making peace without leaving scars. Good relationships result from learning to fight fair.
Let’s think in terms of marriages. All couples fight. Good couples fight clean. Bad couples fight dirty. Research indicates that “being in love” is a very poor indicator of marital happiness and success. Far more important to the successful survival of a marriage is how well couples handle disagreements.
After more than twenty years of studying marriages, Dr. John Gottman found a reliable way to track a couple’s marital breakdown based on how they handled conflict. He observed four escalating stages of dealing with conflict, which he calls “the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.” They mark disastrous ways of interacting. I have found that the Four Horsemen affect not only marriages but all relationships.
There is a difference between a legitimate complaint and an unnecessary criticism. A complaint can serve as a positive step toward resolving a conflict. But criticism only makes a conflict worse. A complaint is objective and attacks a problem, while a criticism is subjective and attacks the other person. A complaint focuses on the other person’s behavior, while a criticism focuses on their personality.
According to relationship experts Les and Leslie Parrott, “As a general rule, criticism entails blaming, making a personal attack or an accusation, while a complaint is a negative comment about something you wish were otherwise. Complaints usually begin with the word I and criticisms with the word you.”2
Unresolved issues fester and turn toxic. They are like a spreading cancer as mild irritation becomes outright contempt. If one member of the relationship insults and psychologically abuses the other, everything good in the relationship is overwhelmed by the contemptible acid of name calling, hostile humor, and mockery.3
Conflicts are resolved when people take responsibility for their part of the problem. But when criticism and contempt enter the scene, defensiveness arises. Walls are erected to protect, rather than bridges built to connect.
Worn down by attacks, one member in the relationship will shut down and stop responding. The very act of not responding conveys arrogant disapproval, distance, and distrust.
Once these four negative responses to conflict become normal, the relationship becomes very fragile at best. The best scenario is never to start down this ugly path but rather learn to handle conflict wisely and make peace.
Most things probably aren’t worth fighting about. Les and Leslie Parrott tell married couples that 90 percent of the issues they bicker about can be overlooked. The Bible lauds the wisdom of learning to overlook small irritations.
A person’s wisdom yields patience; it is to one’s glory to overlook an offense.
PROVERBS 19:11
Fools show their annoyance at once, but the prudent overlook an insult.
PROVERBS 12:16
If you’re going to get upset about something, make sure it’s something worth getting upset about; because if you choose to get upset over an issue, you must act responsibly to resolve it. So pick your battles wisely.
Starting a quarrel is like breaching a dam; so drop the matter before a dispute breaks out.
PROVERBS 17:14
Often the solution to conflict is to choose to be the bigger person and to love unconditionally. Sometimes it’s a matter of choosing to extend the same unmerited forgiveness to the other person that the Lord has extended to you.
Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins.
1 PETER 4:8
Regarding overlooking an offense, Sande says, as a general rule, if you can answer “no” to the following questions, you can overlook an offense. (If you answer “yes” to any of these questions, the offense is too serious to overlook.)
• Does the offense seriously dishonor God?
• Has it permanently damaged a relationship?
• Is it seriously hurting other people?
• Is it seriously hurting the offender?4
Jesus warned us against trying to resolve conflict without first examining ourselves and taking responsibility for our part in the problem.
“Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.”
MATTHEW 7:3–5
Sande writes, “There are generally two kinds of ‘logs’ we need to look for when dealing with conflict. First, you need to ask whether you have a critical, negative, or overly sensitive attitude that has led to unnecessary conflict…. The second kind of log you must deal with is actual sinful words and actions. Because you are often blind to your own sins, you may need an honest friend or advisor who will help you take an objective look at yourself and face up to your contribution to a conflict.”5
We must resist blaming others but rather take responsibility for our own contribution to the conflict. We should confess our sins to those we have wronged. We must ask God to help us change any attitudes and habits that lead to conflict. We must take the initiative to repair any harm we have caused.
Some things just cannot be overlooked. Sometimes the hurt is too real and the offense too damaging. At this point, as we have seen earlier in this chapter, the wise person will courageously take action to resolve the conflict and make peace (Matthew 5:23–34; 18:15).
When you feel a conflict arising, it is wise to ask yourself if it’s something really worth fighting over. If it is, define the issue clearly and share your feelings directly. Be careful to make an objective complaint instead of a personal criticism.
Later in Matthew’s Gospel, Jesus provides three important aspects of making peace.
If your brother wrongs you, go and show him his fault, between you and him privately. If he listens to you, you have won back your brother.
MATTHEW 18:15 AMP
“If your brother wrongs you, go”: Approach the other person; don’t avoid the conflict. It seems easier to do nothing, but Jesus said that letting our resentment fester is unacceptable.
“Show him his fault, between you and him privately”: Conflict should be dealt with privately, if possible. Some people won’t go to the one who has offended them to try to make peace. Instead they go to someone else who is not a part of the conflict and tell how the other person has hurt them. This is wrong on many levels.
First, it only deepens resentment toward the offender. Second, it slanders the offender to the third party and gives that person a negative view of the offender. It also puts them in a difficult position, especially if they are the offender’s friend or family member. Third, if the offender finds out they have been talked about behind their back, it will be more difficult to make peace with them. Fourth, God’s command to “make peace” is being disobeyed. Fifth, the problem is still not resolved.
Be sensitive. No one wants to be called out in front of someone else. Approach the other person as you would want to be approached.
“Show him his fault”: We must not pretend a conflict doesn’t exist or talk about others behind their backs. When an offense is too serious to overlook, God commands us to go and talk to the offender privately and lovingly about the situation. As we do so, we must remember the following guidelines, as suggested by Ken Sande:
• Pray for humility and wisdom
• Plan our words carefully (think of how you would want to be confronted)
• Anticipate likely reactions and plan appropriate responses (rehearsals can be very helpful)
• Choose the right time and place (talk in person whenever possible)
• Assume the best about the other person until you have facts to prove otherwise (Proverbs 11:27)
• Listen carefully (Proverbs 18:13)
• Speak only to build others up (Ephesians 4:29)
• Ask for feedback from the other person
• Recognize your limits (Romans 12:18; 2 Timothy 2:24–26). Only God can change people.6
Instead of accepting a premature compromise or allowing relationships to wither, we must actively pursue genuine peace and reconciliation. This includes forgiving others as God, for Christ’s sake, has forgiven us. It also involves seeking just and mutually beneficial solutions to our differences.
Notes
1. Ken Sande, “The Peacemakers Pledge,” http://www.peacemaker.net/site/c.aqKFLTOBIpH/b.958149/k.303A/The_Four_Gs.htm (accessed June 1, 2011). The Peacemaker website gives many helpful tips for conflict resolution. For more details, I suggest that you read Ken Sande’s The Peacemaker, (Grand Rapids, Baker, 2004).
2. Les and Leslie Parrott, Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts, 123.
3. Ibid.
4. Ken Sande, “The Four G’s” http://www.peacemaker.net/site/caqKFLTOBIpH/b.958149/k.303A/The_Four_Gs.htm (accessed June 1, 2011).
5. Ibid.
6. Ibid.