Let no debt remain outstanding, except the continuing debt to
love one another, for whoever loves others has fulfilled the law.
ROMANS 13:8
We live in a debt-riddled society. As of March 25, 2011, the total public debt outstanding in the United States of America was $14.26 trillion—that’s fourteen trillion, two hundred and sixty million dollars! Overall consumer debt is currently $2.5 trillion. Of that total, $900 billion is consumer credit card debt. The rest is auto loans and student loans, as well as loans on boats, trailers, or even vacations. The average American spends twelve cents out of every dollar earned paying off debt on nonappreciating items. The average American family owes $15,000 in credit card debt alone.
The apostle Paul told the Roman church to pay off all their debts except one—the continuing debt to love one another. By putting the concept of loving one another into financial terms, Paul encourages us to practice relational banking.
Paul was a brilliant, stubborn, tough, type A, hard-driven, project-oriented person. At the beginning of his ministry, he struggled with relationships—as seen in his breakup from Barnabas over the inclusion of John Mark to their church planting team. Yet as Paul grew older, he grew wiser. By the end of his life, he had become a master of relationships.
As you know, Paul became a mentor to many young Christian leaders, including Luke, Titus, Silas, and Timothy. You may not be aware that he also mentored several others, including Lucius, Jason, and Sosipater (Romans 16:21); Sosthenes (1 Corinthians 1:1); Tychicus (Ephesians 6:21); Epaphroditus (Philippians 2:25); Onesimus (Colossians 4:9); Aristarchus (Colossians 4:10); Jesus, who is called Justus (Colossians 4:11); Epaphras (Colossians 4:12); Crescens (2 Timothy 4:10); Carpus (2 Timothy 4:13); Erastus and Trophimus (2 Timothy 4:20); Eubulus, Pudens, and Linus (2 Timothy 4:21); and Artemas (Titus 3:12). His letter to the Romans is full of personal greetings to many members of the church—his “dear friends”—including Priscilla, Aquila, Epenetus, Mary, Andronicus, Junia, Ampliatus, Urbanus, Stachys, Apelles, Aristobulus, Herodion, Narcissus, Tryphena, Tryphosa, Persis, Rufus, Asyncritus, Phlegon, Hermes, Patrobas, Hermas, Philologus, Julia, Nereus, and Olympas (Romans 16:3–15).
With so many dear friends and associates, Paul had obviously mastered the art of building relationships. But what was his secret? Again, relational banking. Notice that Paul describes his love for the Corinthians in terms of spending and being spent for them.
And I will very gladly spend and be spent for your souls; though the more abundantly I love you, the less I am loved.
2 CORINTHIANS 12:15 NKJV (EMPHASIS ADDED)
Secret #12
Invest in others.
Jesus, of course, was a relational genius. So effective was He at building relationships that eleven of His close friends faced persecution, prison, and martyrdom for their loyalty to Him. Dozens of others became committed friends and followers. This is not only because they believed the truth of His words but because they felt the depth of His love. Jesus was a master at relational banking.
In His famous Sermon on the Mount, Jesus links love and treasure. In doing so He shows us that, in many ways, love is an investment.
Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moths and vermin destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moths and vermin do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.
MATTHEW 6:19–21 (EMPHASIS ADDED)
Notice that last phrase—where your treasure is, there your heart will be also. In other words, love is an investment. We invest in what we love and love what we invest in. Since our calling is to love people, the key to loving people is investing in them.
Willard F. Harley, in his book His Needs, Her Needs, introduces the idea of a “Love Bank”:
I believe each of us has a Love Bank. It contains many different accounts, one for each person we know. Each person either makes deposits or withdrawals whenever we interact with him or her. Pleasurable interactions cause deposits, and painful interactions cause withdrawals.1
The way love banking works is very simple: When a person’s relational account is full through many or large positive deposits, he or she feels loved. The relationship is strong and positive. But when the account is depleted through many or sizable withdrawals, the person will feel unloved. The relationship will be weak and negative.
Harley notes that marriages don’t fail through incompatibility as much as they fail because of bankrupt love banks. When the account is empty, the feelings of love are absent. The way to help others feel loved is by making deposits. Deposits are made through meeting needs in the other person’s life.
Relationships are most mutually fulfilling and run most smoothly when there is a positive balance in the relational account—the larger the balance, the stronger the relationship. We struggle in relationships when there is little or no equity in the relationship account.
Love is not so much a feeling as it is an action or an expression. Love is acted upon and expressed by seeing a need and extending yourself to meet it.
If anyone has material possessions and sees a brother or sister in need but has no pity on them, how can the love of God be in that person? Dear children, let us not love with words or speech but with actions and in truth.
1 JOHN 3:17–18
Suppose a brother or sister is without clothes and daily food. If one of you says to them, “Go in peace; keep warm and well fed,” but does nothing about their physical needs, what good is it?
JAMES 2:15–16
Bonds are created when we help each other. I’m not good at home repairs, so I deeply appreciate the guys who give me assistance. I am a klutz with computers, so I appreciate people like my friend Jack, who used to keep my computer running smoothly.
Bonds are also deepened by helping out. When I left home for college, I left my parents with an empty nest. Later they admitted that, at that time, their marital love banks were very low. As a counseling student, I read about the notion of speaking love languages and making relational investments. When I was home for Christmas break, I tried to listen carefully to each of my parents. I noticed that my mom was especially impressed with acts of service.
One night after dinner, when my mom was not paying attention, I said to my dad, “Watch this.” I proceeded to clear the table and do the dishes without being asked. Usually my mom did this task by herself. She was so surprised that she commented on it over and over.
My dad picked up on what had happened. The next night he cleared the table and did the dishes without being asked. It was the first time in a long time he had made the investment of assistance.
Mom was pleasantly delighted. She mentioned that she never felt so loved.
Can washing dishes really be an expression of love? Absolutely! Anything you do to ease the burden of responsibilities weighing on another speaks volumes, especially if helping out is their love language. The words he or she most wants to hear may be, “Let me do that for you.” Acts of assistance are a positive investment.
But also be aware that laziness, broken commitments, and making more work for other people tells them that their feelings don’t matter. It’s a withdrawal from the love bank.
As a young pastor, I spent a year training a pilot group of potential group leaders. All of the men in my group were older than I was and already very committed Christians.
One man had grown up in an alcoholic home, and affection was very difficult for him. He tended to be critical of what I was doing as a pastor. He also worked with our teenagers and was critical of our youth pastor as well. So the youth pastor and I decided to try to “love him out of it.” We both began to express our affection for him. Our youth pastor took the physical approach by hugging him, and I took the verbal approach by telling him that I loved him.
One night I gave him a ride home from our group meeting. As he got out of the car I said, “Don’t forget, I love you, man.” He just looked at me and got out of the car.
The next week I said the same thing, “Don’t forget, I love you, man.”
He paused for a moment with a puzzled look on his face. Then he slowly said, “Well, my wife likes your wife a lot.” Then he got out of the car.
The next week I said it again. “Don’t forget, I love you, man.”
He looked at me and took a deep breath and said, “My wife and I like you and your wife, too.”
The next week I gave it another shot. As he got out of the car, I said, “Don’t forget, I love you, man.”
He dropped his head, and I noticed a tear on his cheek. The power of genuine affection was getting through.
“I, uh,” he stammered and gulped hard, “I love you, too, Pastor.”
After that he was a different man. He was still highly disciplined and committed. But the hard edge had been replaced with warmth. He went from being a critic to an advocate. In fact, he later moved to another state and drove his new pastor to distraction by telling him all the good things our youth pastor and I were doing.
Learn to give appropriate affection. It is a positive investment and enhances your relationships. Tell them. Show them. An appropriate handshake, a pat on the back, a kind word, or a hug will go a long way in letting people know that you love them.
Jesus made sure that His followers felt His love. He made the investment of words. On the night He was betrayed, Jesus, the Messiah, the miracle-working Son of God, spoke words to His followers that must have filled their relational accounts.
As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you…. Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends…. I no longer call you servants, because a servant does not know his master’s business. Instead, I have called you friends, for everything that I learned from my Father I have made known to you.
JOHN 15:9, 13, 15
Notice carefully what Jesus said. “I have loved you.” “I no longer call you servants.” “I have called you friends.” Coming from the Messiah, these words were incredible statements of affirmation.
Actions don’t always speak louder than words. For some, words of affirmation and unsolicited compliments make a major investment. Hearing the words, “I love you,” “I believe in you,” “You are special,” are important. Hearing the reasons behind that love is even better. Abraham Lincoln, a master at relationships, stated, “Everybody likes a compliment.”
In the 1930s, Dale Carnegie, a young YMCA teacher, taught a popular class on getting along with people. He taught what he called “the big secret in dealing with people.” It was, “Be hearty in approbation [formal appreciation] and lavish in your praise.”
In 1936 he wrote How to Win Friends and Influence People. The book immediately became a bestseller and, as one of the best-selling books in history, still remains popular today, with sales over fifteen million. In it Carnegie writes, “If some people are so hungry for a feeling of importance that they actually go insane to get it, imagine what miracles you and I can achieve by giving people honest appreciation this side of insanity.”2
Affirming others builds relationships. Go out of your way to express confidence in others. Show public trust in their abilities and character. Affirm their passion, skills, and efforts.
When my boys were little, they said four particular words more than any others. Do you know what they were? They would climb up the slide and yell, “Daddy, look at me!” They would hang upside down from the monkey bars and shout, “Daddy, look at me!” Or they would come out of my room wearing my clothes on their little boy bodies and scream in delight, “Daddy, look at me!” They wanted attention.
“Look at me” is a phrase used repeatedly by small children. They say it less obviously as they get older, but they still cry out for attention. Often they do things to get attention.
I had a good friend in first grade named Chris. He was a very bright, athletic boy, but he got lost in the shuffle of his parents’ divorce and began to act out. One day he coerced me to join him in swinging around the boy’s bathroom from stall to stall, screaming like monkeys.
Naturally a teacher heard us, and we got sent to the principal’s office. Mr. Crabtree looked over his glasses at Chris and asked my friend why he had done such a thing. Chris smiled and simply said, “To get attention.”
Of course, most people in your life will not act out so blatantly to get your attention. But that doesn’t mean they don’t need it. In order to keep a good balance in our relational banks, we need to give other people our attention. It doesn’t usually take very long, but it makes a big difference.
Nothing says “I love you” like our full, undivided attention. For this type of person, being there is critical; but really being there—with the TV off, fork and knife down, and all chores and tasks on standby—makes people feel truly special and loved. Distractions, postponed dates, or the failure to listen can be especially hurtful.
Learn to be the giver of attention. Look at people when they speak. Read between the lines when they share concerns. Show interest in their job, their family, and their health. Ask about their day. Notice if they seem distracted or down. Pay more attention to them, and they will pay more attention to you.
Just as some actions create relational investments, others are guaranteed withdrawals. These include blind spots to one’s own wrong behaviors or attitudes and failing to show empathy and understanding by active listening.
We also make relational withdrawals when we practice relational legalism by treating others exactly as they treat us. For example, if someone is kind to us, then we are kind to them. If they hurt us, we hurt them back. If they are immature, then we are immature as well. Regarding relational legalism, psychologist Henry Cloud writes,
The only way for any relationship to overcome our imperfections is for the receiving party to be “bigger than that,” and return grace and truth instead of the injury. Simple fairness will kill any relationship.3
What other kinds of relationship withdrawals are there?
This makes the other party feel as if they are alone, even though someone is there. To feel close, others need us to be present emotionally. We need to share our needs, vulnerabilities, fears, pain, and dreams.
Failing to see the other person as a free person who is able to make their own decisions and have their own desires can crush or infuriate them. Seeing others as an extension of ourselves will result in our trying to control what they think, feel, want, do, value, and believe and is destined to drive them away and ultimately deflate love.
Real love can only grow where someone’s “real self” can be known and accepted by the other person.
Adults who are in significant relationships are meant to be equals and share the reality of who they are in a spirit of mutuality. Trying to one-up the other person creates more of a parent-child type of connection. This “I know better” attitude withdraws love, as the person who is “under” feels belittled, controlled, dominated, and disrespected. Resentment grows, and the one being dominated will strive to become independent from the dominating one.
Remember, love does not “just happen.” It takes work. Part of the work is to make positive deposits in your relational accounts. Get into the habit of avoiding the withdrawals and making the deposits into the lives of the ones you love.
Notes
1. Willard F. Harley Jr., His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-Proof Marriage (Grand Rapids: Revell, 2001), 25.
2. Dale Carnegie, How to Win Friends and Influence People (New York: Simon & Schuster, 2009), 25.
3. Henry Cloud, “Blocks to Love,” http://www.cloudtownsend.com/library/articles/7articles1.php.