Be patient, bearing with one another in love.
EPHESIANS 4:2
It was often a nightmare that would not end.
Bouncy, bright, cute, happy, sensitive, funny—he was the most wonderful little boy you could imagine. Yet it all began to unravel.
When his beloved grandmother died, he got mad at God.
Then, when he was leading a Bible study at his middle school, some of the kids twisted something he said. The next thing he knew, he was shunned as the kids turned on him, accusing him of being a Jew hater. He grew even angrier at God.
His older brother was a star athlete and his younger brother was the genius scholar, but who was he? Why hadn’t God given him any special abilities like his brothers?
Insomnia ruined his nights and made him exhausted during the day. When he finally found sleep, he was stunned out of it as dark dreams woke him up sweating and scared. His thoughts grew more and more irrational. What was wrong with him?
When he was a high school freshman, a senior offered him alcohol, and he felt unable to refuse. He found the one thing he was good at—drinking. Even though he weighed just over a hundred pounds, he could outdrink everyone else. So he dove in headfirst. The next few years became a blurry daily battle with alcohol and drug addiction.
His parents were often at their wit’s end. Their once sweet, lovable Christian son was defiant and vulgar. He disagreed with everything they said and stood for. He lied to them over and over again. They never knew what to expect as his bipolar personality kept him bouncing perpetually between mania and depression. The conflict between the life he was living and the life he had been taught kept him in a state of debilitating anxiety. His parents followed him into the psych ward, the emergency room, the courtroom, and the jail. He embarrassed his family in front of their friends and hurt their reputation in the community. Yet what really bothered his parents was the ongoing fear of one day finding him dead from an overdose or suicide.
But God gave them the grace to endure. They were patient, bearing with their wayward son in love. They wept and prayed and cried out to God. They fought to stay in his life and kept on loving, kept on forgiving, kept on talking, and kept on listening. They continued to love even when he was so unlovable.
Slowly his hard heart began to turn. Yet his secret life of sin continued.
One night it came to a head. He called home drunk and disoriented. After hours of searching for him, his parents miraculously found him lying unconscious in the middle of a parking garage, sixty miles from home.
He awoke the next morning embarrassed and ashamed. This could not continue. Within a few days the prodigal ran to God, broken and repentant.
The loving Father took him up in his arms and forgave him.
The bouncy, bright, cute, happy, sensitive, funny boy was back—but much deeper and much wiser. He has told his story in many churches with powerful results and is studying to be a pastor today. Never underestimate the value and power of patient, long-suffering forbearance and enduring love.
Secret #
14 Endure.
People are imperfect. Relationships are hard, messy, and challenging. Getting along with others stretches us, sometimes to the very end of ourselves.
In our self-centered, consumer-driven culture, we tend to view relationships as conveniences that exist to meet our needs and improve our lot in life. When the going gets tough, we bail. As a result, too many people go through life having only a few very shallow relationships. They experience only superficial acquaintances because they do not understood the essential value of endurance in relationships.
Good relationships do not just happen. They take intentional effort over a period of time. They take commitment and hard work. They take endurance.
Paul certainly was a man who understood suffering and endurance. Because of his passionate commitment to Jesus, he had been locked in filthy prisons, flogged, beaten, and even stoned. He suffered through shipwreck. He had been hungry, cold, and frequently placed in danger (2 Corinthians 11:23–27).
Wisely, he applied the notion of endurance to the area of relationships. He encouraged the Christians of Ephesus to “be patient, bearing with one another in love” (Ephesians 4:2). He skillfully selected several words to help us better comprehend the value of endurance in relationships.
Be patient, bearing with one another in love.
EPHESIANS 4:2 (EMPHASIS ADDED)
The first imperative Paul gives is “Be patient with one another.” The word patient is somewhat timid sounding in our culture, but in the first century it was a strong word. It spoke of being “constant, steadfast, persevering, and long-suffering.” One of the keys to healthy, strong relationships is the quality of “long-suffering.” The original meaning of the word involved a person who was “long of soul” or “long of breath.” It speaks of fortitude. As used by Paul, it indicates courageously hanging in there with people, even when it hurts.
God is the author and ultimate example of long-suffering. Numbers 14:18 states, “The LORD is slow to anger, abounding in love and forgiving sin and rebellion.” Psalm 86:15 affirms, “But you, Lord, are a compassionate and gracious God, slow to anger [long-suffering], abounding in love and faithfulness.”
Of course, God is also the source of our ability to experience and express long-suffering. Galatians 5:22 tells us that “the fruit of the Spirit is … forbearance” (another word for long-suffering). God promises that He will strengthen us “with all might, according to His glorious power, for all patience and longsuffering with joy” (Colossians 1:11 NKJV).
When friends get on our nerves, children let us down, spouses become difficult, and work associates go behind our backs, God’s long-suffering heart can control our attitudes and actions if we will yield to His power. When loved ones break our hearts, God can give us the grace to suffer through as long as it takes.
Bearing with one another in love.
EPHESIANS 4:2 (EMPHASIS ADDED)
The second imperative Paul gives us is “bearing with one another in love.” The word bear is also a very strong word. It comes from a root meaning “to hold.” It means “to stand erect and firm, hold up, forbear, and sustain.” As used here, it speaks of making allowances for others and supporting them. It suggests holding up as they wear us down and holding them up when they fall down. Forbearance is bravely putting up with others even when they irritate, annoy, or hurt us, to help them stand up again.
Be patient, bearing with one another in love.
EPHESIANS 4:2 (EMPHASIS ADDED)
Patience and forbearance are to be motivated by and done in a spirit of love—that is, “the unconditional, active effort to do what is best for others.” You won’t suffer long with people if you don’t love them.
I have led group home Bible studies almost every week of my life since I was in high school. I have led them in various parts of the country with a diversity of people groups. Over time I have been a part of groups that were very close and committed and groups that were little more than a collection of people who met together for an hour once a week.
In order for a group to become strong and deeply connected, the members must endure together through an inevitable and painful process. Friendships, families, and marriages follow a similar path. The key to reaching true community is hanging in there all the way through the process.
Psychologist and professor Dr. Bruce Tuckman spent his professional life studying group dynamics. He discovered that groups who reach a place of authentic intimacy pass through four primary stages.1 These stages are true of friendships, families, and marriages as well.
a. Forming
This is the comfortable stage. Controversy is avoided and serious issues are skirted. Conversation revolves around safe facts but not feelings.
b. Storming
This is where the relationship begins to get uncomfortable. Differences of opinion and conflicting values begin to surface. Too often people bail on relationships at this point because it is not easy, especially for those adverse to conflict. But when both parties hang in there through the storming period, and if acceptance and honor are practiced, intimacy is enhanced.
c. Norming
At this point “I” begins to be traded in for “we” and “us.” People learn how to get along and make the relationship work.
d. Performing
At this stage the individuals become interdependent. Properly communicated disagreement is allowed and even appreciated within the context of love.
In the context of Christian relationships, I see a fifth stage—transforming. As we endure with others through the process, we move from separate entities to a close-knit unit. We move into the joy of deeper relationships. We become more sensitive, humble, and loving people.
Whether we are talking about becoming a fully functional team, a great small group, a strong house church, a close friend, a loving family, or a good married couple, the key is the same. We must hang in there with each other and go through the process. It will get messy and uncomfortable for a period, but the rewards are worth the hassle.
Too many church groups, work teams, married couples, parents and teens, and potential friends bail out too quickly and easily. The rewards of intimacy and community only come as a result of enduring through the process.
We live in an instant age, a consumer culture. We are constantly bombarded with messages telling us that things should be easier, more convenient, and faster. They should take minimal effort and deliver maximum pleasure in return. Yet relationships are not products. They are crafted, not purchased. Though speed and easy accessibility are good characteristics for an Internet provider, trying to “do” relationships quickly can be devastating.
Many people would say they don’t have time for relationships. But Americans now spend a hundred hours a year commuting to work and have a national average drive time of more than twenty-four minutes. Those who live in large metro areas and commute an hour or more will spend more than 250 hours a year commuting.
Add the fact that the average American watches four hours of television a day. This means the typical husband and wife spend three or four times as much time watching television as they spend talking to each another.
Although few of us would admit that watching television is more important than investing in relationships, our calendars and time logs show otherwise. Simple observation says that television is more important to us than people.
In recent years, more and more people have begun to connect with others through Facebook or other forms of social media. These tools are great for maintaining width of relationships with many people. But what about depth? Texting and Facebooking are no substitute for talking and listening to the people who are supposed to be close to us.
Good marriages, deep friendships, and close families don’t just happen. According to psychologist Alan Loy McGinnis, great relationships are the result of a deceptively simple commitment: Assign top priority to your relationships.2
It is impossible to fit deep relationships into the cracks of an overly busy schedule. We cannot experience community in a hurry. As John Ortberg notes, “Wise people do not try to microwave friendship, parenting, or marriage.”3
The early church did not have long commutes to eat up their time or television to distract them, so they invested themselves in relationships. Instead of short texts, they enjoyed long conversations. They spent unhurried time listening to, talking to, and praying for one another, and serving and sharing together. As a result, the first Christians experienced an incredibly enriching and attractive community. God smiled on it, and others wanted what they had. As you read Luke’s account of their lives, note the centrality of fellowship and the amount of time they devoted to relationships.
They committed themselves to the teaching of the apostles, the life together, the common meal, and the prayers. Everyone around was in awe—all those wonders and signs done through the apostles! And all the believers lived in a wonderful harmony, holding everything in common. They sold whatever they owned and pooled their resources so that each person’s need was met. They followed a daily discipline of worship in the Temple followed by meals at home, every meal a celebration, exuberant and joyful, as they praised God. People in general liked what they saw. Every day their number grew as God added those who were saved.
ACTS 2:42–47 MSG (EMPHASIS ADDED)
Their deep fellowship was the result of a daily commitment to God and to each other. It came from a regular, unhurried investment of time. It grew out of daily doses of sharing corporate worship and meals together. And the ones on the outside saw what they had and wanted it. What a novel approach to church growth!
We’re all very busy. When relationships become difficult or costly, it is easy to give up on them. Many of us throw in the towel too quickly.
I want to encourage you to be different. Refuse to give up hope. My friend Daniel Henderson writes, “As long as God’s character of long-suffering does not change (and it never will), and as long as His Spirit lives in our hearts (and we are ‘sealed’ in this assurance), we can believe that God is able to impart all we need for the positive progress of a relationship. He is able to change hearts and lives. We should always let Him start with our own—then trust Him to do the same for others.”4
Even when we don’t give up, we often give in to negative emotions. Our thoughts become irrational and our words unloving. We react in ways we later regret. When the other person is being a pain or causing you pain, don’t trust your emotions. It has been noted that “emotions have no brains.” Don’t allow your emotions to rush beyond the controlling power of the Holy Spirit.
Relationships are a gift from God that must be treasured and embraced even when they become difficult and painful. Enduring through tough relationships requires long-suffering, forbearance, and love.
A convenient life is seldom a life of deep character. It is in the fire that we are refined and made strong. Sometimes this refinement involves a demanding marriage, a rebellious child, an unreasonable boss, or a less-than-perfect fellow Christian. These relationships may not be easy—but they are worth it because God uses them to make us more like Jesus.
A convenient relationship is seldom a relationship of deep joy. It is in the fire that rough-edged relationships are refined and made strong. These relationships may not be easy—but they are worth it because God works to make them stronger, deeper, and more rewarding!
Notes
1. Bruce W. Tuckman, “Developmental Sequence in Small Groups,” Psychological Bulletin, 63, (1965) 384–399.
2. Alan Loy McGinnis, The Friendship Factor (Minneapolis: Augsburg, 1979), 22.
3. Ortberg, Everybody’s Normal, 46.
4. Daniel Henderson, “The Value of Suffering in Relationships,” StrategicRenewal.com, April 17, 2011; http://www.strategicrenewal.com/strategic-renewal-e–devotional/the-value-of-suffering-in-relationships.