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Samantha
After last night, I needed some time alone to think. So, I dive into the one thing that has always managed to calm me no matter what. It’s been years since I’ve done this. I’d forgotten how good it feels to have the water cascading across my skin in waves. To glide so effortlessly through the pool like we’re one with each other. I miss this part of me. The part where I was innocent, carefree, and oblivious to the hurt and pain. The part of me that was connected to my mother. I gave up something that was important to me because it reminded me too much of my time with Garrett, an act that I’m now regretting. It’s something that I plan to get back.
I had a chance to tell Brad about Garrett, and I didn’t take it. Every time I opened my mouth to speak, he would tell me it’s okay. He told me it could wait until I was ready. If he knew what I was holding inside, I doubt he would have said those words. I know I’m wrong for holding back, but I just can’t. I’m not ready to deal with it yet. I don’t exactly know how.
The way I ended things with Garrett left me broken, and I kind of feel like there was a lot left unsaid. All because I was too torn up inside to listen. None of what happened was my fault, but my feelings for him weren’t really resolved. They were pushed to the back of my mind and replaced with what I thought was hate. I’m not going to lie. I don’t love Garrett anymore, and I really don’t like him, but I don’t hate him either. What I am is hurt, disappointed, and conflicted.
Anyone who’s ever loved someone knows that it’s not easy to just turn it off. It’s something that fades with time. I never gave myself time to process. I made myself forget, and that was probably one of the worst decisions that I’ve ever made. I never thought I would see him again. I definitely didn’t expect to feel the slightest bit of anything for him. I need to speak to him. Not to catch up or rehash old feelings, but to ask him not to mess this up for me.
I’m finally happy. I’ve found someone who loves me and only me. I need Garrett to understand that. The look he gave me cut straight to my heart. There was fire in his eyes. I’ve never seen that side of him before. I don’t suspect that he would do anything stupid, but then again, I never really knew him in the first place. The part of him I used to know has probably changed a lot. I have no idea what this Garrett is like.
I push myself back and forth, up and down through the heated pool until my arms and legs are weary, and I can barely breathe. I turn over onto my back and lay there looking up at the veiny ceiling through my fogged goggles.
What am I going to do? I wonder to myself. I have to figure this out before I dig myself into a hole too big to get out of.
I told Brad I had some things to sort out with Emily after work tonight. So, I would crash at the dorm afterward. I feel terrible about the made-up excuse I gave him this morning. I’m a horrible person, I know.
During my break from love, I became quite efficient in the art of avoidance. Now I’m stuck in a situation where it’s near impossible to do that very thing. I know something has to be done, but I don’t want to hurt Brad in the process, and I don’t want to face Garrett. Both of which are inevitable.
My skin is wrinkled and pale when I exit the water and head to the locker rooms. I dry my hair as best as I can with a towel and throw on my gray sweat pants and shirt. I slide my feet into my sneakers and snuggle into my hooded coat.
My time in the pool was invigorating and gave me time to think, but now I’m paying for it. The chill in the air hasn’t eased one bit since this morning. If anything, it’s gotten worse. A cloud of air leaves my lips with every breath I take. I had parked my car close to the dorm and walked across campus, thinking I could get in some exercise, and now I’m regretting that decision. It didn’t seem like that long of a walk on the way over.
On top of the cold weather, I now have the added fear of running into Garrett. It’s a huge campus, and before Brad introduced us, I hadn’t seen him around once.
To get my mind off of the cold, I try to think of the many scenarios that would make my life easier.
Maybe my streak of not seeing Garrett will continue.
Maybe he got so angry, and he ran away.
Maybe this is all a dream, and I’ll wake up two days before.
Maybe that’s not his voice I hear behind me, and that wasn’t my name that was called.
I keep walking as if I didn’t hear it. I keep walking until a strong hand grabs my arm and stops me.
“Samantha.”
I close my eyes for a moment to gather myself. I try to prepare myself to look into those beautiful, cheating eyes. Because regardless of how he treated me, his eyes are deceptively beautiful. They can make you believe that there is truth in his lies. And I won’t fall for it. Not anymore.
My gaze lands on a sly smirk and then up to his eyes. Those eyes. The same eyes that have roamed over me countless times in the past and continue to do the same now. I sigh inwardly.
“Or is it Sam now?” My name rolls off of his tongue like the sweetest sin. He licks his lips in that way he used to.
I look at his hand that still grasps my arm, and he lets go. “Samantha. It’s always been Samantha to you, Garrett,” I say a little harsher than I meant.
I hadn’t meant to sound so pissed, but he has no right to touch me or look at me that way anymore. He lost his privileges years ago. Brad is the only one who calls me Sam, and I can’t have Garrett ruin that for me too.
He holds up both hands in surrender. “Whoa. I just wanted to say hi.”
“Well, you’ve said it. So, if that’s all I have to get going.” We need to talk, but I didn’t expect that time to be now.
“I was hoping we could talk. We can’t keep avoiding each other. That’s impossible now that Brad’s a factor in our lives.”
I stare daggers at him. How dare he bring Brad into this? There is no ‘our lives.’ There’s only Brad and me as far as I’m concerned, and Brad is far from the odd man out. He makes it sound like Brad is the inconvenience.
I really don’t need this right now, but I know he’s right. It would be impossible. Brad will eventually start to suspect something. I calm my temper as much as I can.
“I suppose you’re right,” I huff out. I look around at my surroundings for a suitable place to have the talk.
“The coffee shop?” Garrett suggests. He tucks his hands into his pockets, giving me a glimpse of the boy I used to know.
I almost smile. Almost.
“Sure,” I say. It’s on campus. It’s open. It’s innocent.
We walk the few steps over to the coffee shop in silence. It feels strange walking next to him and not have him hold my hand or touch me in some way. I’ve stopped loving Garrett, but the moment I saw him today, the memories came rushing back. I don’t see how we can ever coexist in the same space again.
Garrett opens the door for me and walks in after me. I feel the slightest touch of his hand on the center of my back when we enter, and he quickly pulls his hand away.
“Sorry, I...”
“Don’t be. Let’s just get this over with.” I cut him off before he can explain.
He rubs his hands together and blows a breath into them.
Nope. Never going to work. It’s been less than a day, and he’s already forgotten how to keep his hands to himself. The truth is, I already know why he did it.
Different time. Same old habits.
There are only a few scattered patrons in the coffee shop. I sit down at a single table that’s far enough from prying ears, yet still out in the open. I don’t want this to look like anything more than what it is; two people having a friendly conversation.
“Want a drink?” he asks.
I’m thrown off by the look on his face. He gazes at me as if he didn’t cause me pain and what we had still meant something. His eyes portray a man still in love with a girl he used to know. I’m uncomfortable and out of place here with him, but that feeling doesn’t stop something inside of me from rejoicing just a little. He recognizes what a good thing he’s lost, even if he hasn’t said the words.
“Yeah, sure. Coffee would be nice.”
“Be right back.”
I breathe a sigh of relief when he walks away, and though short-lived, it was a much-needed breath.
“I don’t know how you like it. So, I ordered black. Here’s some cream and sugar if you want it.” He places a covered Styrofoam cup in front of me and sits down in the chair across from me.
“Thanks.” I remove the lid and add one cream and two sugars. I can feel his eyes on me. I don’t know how to begin this conversation. Who’s supposed to speak first? Which one of us will ask the first question?
“So,” Garrett begins. “How have you been?”
I can’t believe I’m doing this. I’m sitting casually across from Garrett drinking coffee and making small talk.
“I’ve been great.” I confidently throw out the half-truth. I have been great, recently, since I met Brad. I don’t ask how he’s been because I don’t really want to know. Asking would imply that I care, and I don’t, not in the way he would think.
He takes a sip from his cup, his eyes peeking over the top. He seems genuinely interested in what I have to say, but I’m not giving much away.
“Where have you been the last couple of years? How did you end up here?” he asks curiously. His finger moves up and down on his cup as he presses his back to the chair.
I study him for a moment, contemplating how much I should tell him. Is it really any of his business?
“I transferred here from a culinary institute. I was presented with an opportunity here that I couldn’t pass up. So, here I am.” I smile, thinking about working alongside Viv. “I actually have to get ready for work. So, I can’t stay long.”
“Understandable. I would want to get away from me, too, if I were you.”
He chuckles, and I snort at his comment. “Are you admitting that you’re still an ass?”
Garrett clears his throat and leans forward, resting his elbows on the table. His hands wrap around his cup.
“Samantha, I’m sorry that I hurt you, babe.”
My eyes falter at the old pet name he gifted me years ago. This is such a bad idea. I think to myself. “Garrett, please don’t,” I plead. “Please don’t do this.”
“I was young and foolish and stupid. I made a terrible mistake that cost me the best thing that ever happened to me. I want you to know that I still love you. I’ve never stopped.”
The teenage girl in me wipes at the few tears that fall down my face, wishing he would have realized how much of a good thing she was years ago. The woman that I’ve become is so glad that he didn’t, because I wouldn’t have met Brad. It both saddens me and brings me joy. Who knows where Garrett and I would have been if he hadn’t messed things up. It doesn’t really matter now. Time has passed. We’ve grown. I’ve moved on.
“Our time has passed Garrett. I don’t love you anymore. I’m in love with Brad now.” I manage to get out. I take a sip of coffee. The warm liquid sliding across my tongue is a welcomed distraction.
He nods his head once and swallows hard, then continues to speak. “Have you told him yet?”
And there it was. The real reason that we’re here having a civil conversation.
“Have you told him about us?” he asks again when I don’t answer right away.
“No.” I push out. “And honestly, I think it would be best if he heard it from me.”
“Fair enough.” He continues to fidget with his cup on the table. He cocks a brow and asks, “And what will you tell him?”
“The truth Garrett. I’m going to tell him the truth. I should’ve said something last night, but I just couldn’t.” I look him straight in his eyes. “I was afraid of what he might do to you.”
“You fear for my safety?” he asks.
“No,” I say quickly. “I fear for Brad’s sanity. I’m in love with him, Garrett, and I didn’t want him to do something that he would later regret. I assume you’ve been friends for a while?” I question.
“Well,” Garrett says, sitting up straighter in his chair. “I wouldn’t exactly call us best friends, but yeah. I guess so. We’re more like brothers, but not the ‘tell me all of your secrets’ type.”
My heart sinks. That makes it even worse. I look away from him, and he continues to talk.
“As you can see by my lack of information where you’re concerned, Brad was closed-lipped when it came to you. We all just recently found out that Sam was actually a girl. I would never have thought that his Sam and my...”
My eyes shoot back to him and his almost words. I give him a look that hopefully says, “Don’t say it. I’m not yours anymore.”
He returns my stare with a pained expression. “I never would have guessed that this Sam he was talking about was you.”
“Trust me. The last person I expected to find here is you.”
The silence between us is cold in contrast to Garrett’s gaze.
“You know, last night, when I saw you, I wanted to punch you for smiling at me that way. All of those old feelings of the last time I spoke to you came rushing back.” I look away in thought. “I didn’t understand how you could stand there all cheery-eyed like nothing ever happened. Why didn’t you say anything to Brad?”
“I was just as shocked as you were, babe.”
“Garrett,” I warn.
His eyes close at my warning before they return to me. “To tell you the truth, I was furious seeing you with someone else. If I hadn’t seen the slight shake of your head and if it were anyone other than Brad, I probably would have reacted. But like I said, he’s like a brother to me, and you...” He clears his throat and taps his finger against the table. “Well, you’re you.”
“Thank you for not being a jerk about it. I will tell him soon. I wanted to talk to you first and work out our differences; forgive you for the way you treated me. Otherwise, my talk with him wouldn’t be so nice.” I smile genuinely at him. “Brad will probably still want to hate you.”
He chuckles under his breath. “I know. I’m prepared for that. He and I have always had a love-hate relationship.”
“I should get going. I do have to go to work. I don’t think we’ll ever be buddies or anything, but I can be civil when I see you.”
“I’ll take what I can get,” Garrett says in response. His gaze burns through me.
I don’t say another word. We stand and exit the coffee shop. Garrett goes one way, and I continue in the direction of my dorm. I don’t look back, but I can feel his eyes on me. I know he’s watching, and judging by his parting stare, he still has thoughts of the two of us inside his head. Dangerous thoughts that I will never be a part of. He doesn’t want to let me go, but he needs to; for both of our sakes.
