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Samantha
I woke up around eleven a.m. this morning to find Brad sprawled out on the couch and fully dressed. I don’t even know where he went last night or when he got home. I hate this distance between us. At this point, I don’t know what else to say to make it better or if anything I say will matter. I’m sorry about the way things happened, but I can’t make Brad understand. That’s something that he’ll have to do on his own. He has to accept the harsh truth that I slept with Garrett, but now it’s over. If he can’t do that, then we’re as good as over.
I pour myself a cup of coffee when it’s done brewing and sit down at the bar, grateful that I don’t have to rush off to class for the next few months. Not having to work tonight is also a plus. I’m still not on a full schedule yet, but the money I make on the days I work is enough to cover my expenses.
I take small sips from my mug while thinking about what I’m going to do today. Brad is obviously trying to avoid me. Lacy is busy with her own life, not to mention she’s hundreds of miles away. Emily is off doing her vacation thing with Calvin. I feel so alone. Being alone didn’t bother me until I met Brad. I welcomed any time that I had to myself until he showed me how good it could be to spend it with him.
I freeze when I hear Brad’s movement on the couch behind me. I don’t turn around. I don’t want to see the same hurt look in his eyes again. I take a deep breath and another sip of my coffee.
I feel cold when he leaves the room without a word to me. He returns minutes later and stops right behind me. He’s so close that I can feel his warm breath on the back of my neck. His arms circle around me, pulling my back flush against his chest. He kisses the top of my head and breathes me in. My eyes close at the familiar feel of him. It’s been two days too long since he’s held me like this. I wonder what he’s thinking, how he’s feeling. Where do we go from here?
“I want to take you away from here, Sam. Just me and you today. Is that alright?”
The pain in his voice breaks my heart all over again. I want to make it go away. If this is what he needs, I can’t deny him. “Yes,” I answer.
He lets go to give me room to turn to face him. I want to ask him where we’re going, but I’m afraid the words won’t come out right. I can clearly see the struggle in his eyes. He wants to come back to me, but his uncertainty keeps him at a distance.
He reaches for my hand to help me stand. “Grab your shoes,” he says, is a strained voice.
I stare up at him, wondering if he’d push me away if I tried to kiss him. “I’ll be right back.” I reluctantly let go of his hand and walk around him to retrieve my shoes from the room.
Brad drives for hours before he finally settles on a destination. It doesn’t bother me that he never utters a word. All that matters is that he wanted me here with him, for whatever this is. He’s trying, and that’s more than I could ask for.
He parks the car in front of an old abandoned house. It’s been at least five minutes since I’d seen the last house. Despite the condition of the house, the surrounding land is beautiful and plentiful.
“Let’s take a walk.” He says to me after a few seconds.
I don’t ask questions. I take his hand when he opens the car door for me to get out. I’m surprised when he doesn’t let go. As we get closer to the house, I notice that it’s not all that bad. A few touches of paint and minor repairs, and it would be perfect.
Brad leads me around to the house and continues walking until we reach a lake. He lets go of my hand and picks up a few rocks. He throws one after the other, skipping them across the lake.
“This is what I wanted for us, Sam, a place like this. Quiet. Room to grow. Where we could start a family someday.”
His words surprise and sadden me all at once. He’s thought about starting a family with me. He’s thought about us having a home together, but I don’t miss his use of the past tense. What is he saying? Does he not want those things with me anymore?
“What is this place?” I ask out of curiosity. “We won’t get in any trouble being here, will we?”
He glances over his shoulder at me and grunts out a laugh, one that I’ve missed these past few days.
“No, we’re good. This place...” He pauses and turns back toward the lake. “This place is a dream. It’s special.” He doesn’t offer anything further. He sits down on the grassy land and nods for me to come and join him. He holds my hand as I sit down next to him.
The sun takes its final stance, mirroring the lake with a subtle glow. It’s beautiful. I wonder who would abandon something as precious as this.
“I wanted to share this with you.” His grip tightens and loosens in my hand. “When I thought about bringing you here, I didn’t imagine it this way.”
He continues to stare out over the lake. His pained voice reaches out to my regret causing my heartbeat to triple. I don’t like this feeling of helplessness hovering over me, but there’s nothing that I can do. I’m an outsider looking in on my own life, screaming for the answer to end this all and getting no response.
How do I mend his broken heart when the reality is a constant reminder of what I’ve done? There are so many unanswered questions that I’m afraid to ask him in his fragile state.
“What did you imagine?” I ask, staring wistfully at the side of his face. He still won’t look at me for very long. I wonder what he sees when he does.
“It doesn’t matter. What I imagined could never be now. The vision I had has shifted.” He lets go of my hand and brushes his hands together tentatively.
I want to know so badly, but I don’t dare ask. Does your vision still include me? Am I still a part of your everyday? Does your heart still hold a space for me?
The more I think about it; the more uncertainty seeps in. I’m not good at this kind of thing. The guessing, the waiting, the wanting, are all new to me. I’ve never had to be strong for someone else, and I hate that I put myself in this position. How could I have been so careless?
“Do you think that things will ever be the way they used to be?” I ask, hopeful.
He finally looks at me, really looks at me and gives me a sad smile. “I’m afraid that we can’t go back. The only way out of this if forward.”
I can’t decide if I want to hear his voice or not. On the one hand, I miss hearing it, and on the other, it’s breaking my heart with every spoken word. Every word out of his mouth points to him wanting out of this relationship. I can’t bear the thought of losing him.
I turn away from him when a tear threatens to slip from my eye. I stand and brush the loose grass away from me. I take a few steps toward the lake and stop, not wanting him to see my eyes.
“Sam.” He calls from behind me.
I don’t respond. I refuse to look at him. I wrap my arms protectively around me and hold my breath. I can hear him moving closer. My breath oozes out of me when his hands cover my shoulders.
“Sam. I know you want me to reassure you that everything’s going to be alright. You want to know that we’ll be okay. I believe that we could be given enough time. I love you, Sam, more than you’ll ever know.”
“Don’t give up on us, Brad.” I pray that somewhere inside of him, there’s still hope.
“It’s dark. We should go.” There’s an underlying message in his voice hinting that my prayer may not be answered.
I glance at the old house one last time as Brad drives away. The ride home is just as quiet as the trip there. I refuse to believe that this is the end for us. So, I try not to let myself think about it. I fill my thoughts with happy memories of a time when things were good.
