29

A DOUBLE MEASURE OF PRECIOUSNESS

 

My heart lurched. “Oh my!”

“Oh my which?”

“Bane, you’re a daddy.” Again!

“Oh my…” he whispered—abruptly bent forward and put his head between his knees.

“Bane? Are you okay?”

“Fine,” he said faintly.

“You are…happy?”

“Of course I’m happy. It’s just…wow.” He sat up slowly, his hands slipping around my waist to cup my stomach.

Nurse Poppy drifted into the waiting area with a mug of water and began watering the plants. That was the job of the gardening team, so I wasn’t too surprised that she was craning to try and get a look at the object in my hand.

“Poppy, it’s positive, okay?” I held it out to her. “But don’t pass it on; it must be less than a month. Is there a proper obstetrician here?”

Poppy looked half-pleased, half-embarrassed. “Well, Doctor Carol is a competent obstetrician. She’s the only one in the state at the moment.”

“Is she in today?”

Nurse Poppy glanced towards the schedule on the wall behind the nurse’s station as though to jog her memory. “Yes, she’ll be in soon. Ooh, Margo, I’m so happy for you!”

She hurried off and Bane paused his gentle explorations of my tummy. “What did you mean about less than a month?”

“It’s not normal to tell people until you’re three months along. Once you get past that, you can be…you can be much more certain everything’s going to be all right.” My voice wobbled, despite all my efforts, but this clearly seemed perfectly understandable to Bane, who looked so horrified that I added quickly, “Most…most people get through the first three months no problem, Bane. It’s just a precaution. We can tell Jon; a few people like that.”

Bane relaxed a little and began running his hands over my belly again. “I can feel the bump already.”

“You won’t be able to feel it, yet!” I laughed.

“I can,” he insisted. “There is definitely a bump here. You used to have a really flat tummy.”

I peered down skeptically. Actually…my stomach did stick out a bit. “Well, I must’ve put some weight on, that’s all. It can’t be the baby, Bane. It must be less than a month.”

“Don’t you know exactly how old it is? From your chart?”

He was right, I ought to know. I’d only been energetic enough to engage in baby-making a couple of times since I’d lost our…but I literally hadn’t looked at my chart since then. I’d been going on the theory that it was so close to the vote that it didn’t really matter.

I was saved from answering by Doctor Carol’s arrival. She had nothing more pressing to do and soon had me on a bed for an ultrasound.

“There is a baby?” demanded Bane eagerly, almost before she could place the probe on my goo-smeared belly.

“Oh, there is definitely a baby. Right there, see, Margaret.” I peered hard at the mass of black, gray and white lines on the screen and could make out a small shape. Doctor Carol touched some controls and it grew larger.

“Is that…I think I can see the head! And an arm… Legs!” I could make it out so clearly! “Bane, I can see the baby! It’s so well developed! Oh!” I gasped and clutched Bane’s hand. “I can see it moving!” I could feel nothing, but there on the screen… The little shape kicked lazily…waved a tiny hand. Oh, if only Bane could see this.

Doctor Carol slid the probe back and forth for a few moments, smiling as Bane hung on my awed descriptions. “Looks like a healthy eight to nine weeks, to me,” she said.

I stopped staring at the screen and stared at her instead. “Eight to nine weeks? That’s two months. Are you sure?”

Doctor Carol looked bemused. “Positive, Margaret. That’s an eight- to nine-week-old fetus. And look, you’ve got a nice little baby bump starting.”

I stared at the screen again. The baby was incredibly well developed. But…eight to nine weeks ago…was when I’d conceived the first baby.

I felt the blood drain from my face. My hands flew up to cover my mouth. “Eight to nine weeks?” I squeaked. “Our baby’s really eight to nine weeks old?”

Doctor Carol nodded patiently.

Shock and joy crashed over me, exploded me from the inside out—I clung to Bane and burst into full-out sobs.

“Margo? Margo? What’s wrong?”

“I’m happy,” I managed to gasp. “I’m just so happy! Our baby’s eight to nine weeks old!” It was all I could do to hold in the words: “Our baby’s alive! Alive!”

“Um…yeah, I’m happy too. It’s fantastic.”

I sensed rather than saw the anxious look he turned in Doctor Carol’s direction, but I simply could not get hold of myself. I cried and cried as though all the pain and anguish of the last month was being washed out by a wave of joy.

Doctor Carol smiled, though she looked a little surprised by my hysterics. “Now is probably a good time to mention, Bane, that your wife will be very emotional throughout her pregnancy. It’s the hormones.”

“Oh. Right.” Bane sounded relieved. Of course, he’d had practice with me being hormonal. He rubbed my back and held me closer. “There, it’s okay, Margo. Our baby’s eight to nine weeks old and it’s wonderful, isn’t it?”

“Yes,” I sobbed. “Yes, it is.”

Eventually Doctor Carol brought me a clean hankie and repositioned the probe on my belly.

Distracted by the baby, I managed to stop crying at last. “So, um,” I gulped, “is there…is there anything I shouldn’t do?” I felt as anxious as though I actually had miscarried before—and I wanted to find out what had happened, that terrible night. If I could do so without Bane catching on. I would tell him about what had happened—what I thought had happened—but when we were on our own. “I imagine I should be really careful not to fall down or anything?”

Doctor Carol smiled again. “You don’t need to worry much about falling over, certainly not yet.”

“But… I thought if you fell down early in pregnancy you were very likely to lose the baby?” My voice shook slightly, despite all my efforts.

Doctor Carol’s gaze suddenly became intent and she opened her mouth to speak. Had she just figured out why I’d reacted so strangely to the baby’s age? She had. I tilted my head at Bane and shook my head, giving her a meaningful look. She closed her mouth again.

After another second she said, “You’ve been watching too many films, Margaret. Early in pregnancy is the least likely time to miscarry due to an external impact. The tiny little baby is tucked down between your pelvis in a great big fluid-cushioned sac. You could pretty much bounce up and down on your stomach and it wouldn’t hurt it at all.”

I swallowed, suddenly remembering Father Mark driving his knee into my stomach the other day. But… apparently it was unlikely to have done any harm. “I suppose…if I had any bleeding…?”

“Come to me at once, yes. But not all bleeding is a miscarriage, so don’t panic beyond all reason. You’re well past implantation bleeding, but there can be other types. You can even get tissue or clots, sometimes, and it’s not necessarily anything to worry about. But come back another day when it’s sunk in properly, and we’ll have a proper talk.”

I stared at her, stunned. My bleeding, my clot—not my baby, my clot!—must have been like that. Nothing to worry about. Unless Father Mark did shake things up a little, despite what Doctor Carol said. But…only a little.

My baby was alive!

 

Doctor Carol let me gaze at the baby on the monitor for a bit longer, explained that in medical terms I actually counted as eleven weeks pregnant, because of the date it was counted from, and eventually sent us away clutching a lovely monochrome image of the new life inside me.

“I owe Lucas another apology,” I remarked to Bane.

“What for?”

“He asked if I was pregnant yesterday, and I totally dismissed the idea.”

“Well, I don’t mind if you tell him.”

“I think I will. He won’t pass it on.”

“Mr. Loquacious,” grinned Bane.

I had to smile. It wasn’t true that Eduardo had no sense of humor. “Well, I could pop and see him now, or we can go straight home and get Jon to come round.” I wanted to bring Bane up to date, too, but I wasn’t in that much of a hurry to dampen his happiness, even temporarily.

Bane looked torn. “Well… Go and see him first, if you like. We’ll be ages with Jon, won’t we?”

A few minutes later I was outside Lucas’s room, the scan in my pocket. He let me in, eyeing me rather critically. Wondering if I would need his bathroom again?

“Lucas, you were right!” I was too euphoric to beat around the bush. I took out the scan and held it out to him. “I am having a baby!”

He took the image at once, looking so happy you’d think I’d told him he was having a baby himself! Not very surprised, though.

“There, that’s the baby…” I pointed eagerly…his finger beat me to it. “Oh…it took me a moment to make it out, first time!”

Pain flashed through his eyes, momentarily eclipsing the joy. “My sister used to send these to me.” He broke off, shook his head and peered at the image again.

My fingers twitched to have it back, to look again at this hard evidence that my baby was safe inside me. Perhaps he sensed my eagerness, because eventually he returned it.

 

A knock at the door.

Lucas opened it and stepped back. “Hello, Bane. Congratulations.”

Bane came in, looking slightly embarrassed but mostly still overjoyed. “Hello, Lucas. Have you seen our baby photo? I had to come and see it again—well, not see it, but—Margo, where are you, describe it to me again, go on.”

Trying not to smile—after all, I was no different, wanting to look at it over and over—I retrieved the scan, which Lucas had got hold of again. “I’m sorry, we do want this! I’ll get one for you next time, if you like.”

A big smile spread across Lucas’ face, at that.

I launched into yet another description for Bane, then finished, “And, er…do you mind if I tell you whether it’s a boy or a girl, because I kind of know, and I’d rather not have to try and stop it slipping out.”

“I thought we weren’t going to find out!”

“My fault,” confessed Lucas. Bane looked bewildered.

“Yeah, um, Lucas told me. I didn’t realize anyone could interpret an ultrasound, so I didn’t think to brief him. I’m sorry.”

“Oh. Well, you’d better tell me, then.”

“It’s a boy.”

“Wonderful!”

“You wanted a boy?”

“Well…not specifically! It’s still wonderful! But—oh no, I hadn’t thought!” His face fell and he swung abruptly into panic. “What if the baby’s in danger and I can’t see that! What if—”

“Calm down!” I hugged him. “It’s going to be fine. Jon will help you.”

“He doesn’t know anything about looking after babies!”

“Well, no, but he’s very good at figuring out how to do things, isn’t he?”

“Yes…but I… Oh, I’m not going to say it; it doesn’t help!”

He didn’t need to say it. From the solemn look Lucas directed at us, he heard the silent cry as clearly as I did.

I wish I could see.

 

I made a celebratory pot of coffee whilst Bane phoned Jon. Let’s hope I could keep it down.

“Hi, Jon,” Bane was saying in the other room. “Will you come round? We’ve got big news! Oh, but don’t tell the others we’ve got big news, because you can’t tell anyone yet, okay? What? Well, not me personally. Yes, Margo is. Are you going to come over? We’ve got a photo and everything! I know, but Margo’s good at describing it!”

He came to join me in the kitchen.

“He guessed?” I asked.

“Yep.”

Jon showed up quickly and managed to maintain apparently genuine interest throughout a blow-by-blow account from Bane of how we’d found I was pregnant and three descriptions of the scan from me. When Bane urged me to a fourth description, he did finally roll his eyes to heaven and mutter, “Six and a half months of this?” which made me giggle.

Bane simply picked up the scan again and waggled it in his hands. “It’s just so amazing!”

Jon’s face screwed up—definitely trying not to laugh. You could see his point—happening right now in millions of families around the world.

“It’s still amazing, Uncle Jon,” I pointed out.

His face straightened and softened, at that. “I s’pose it is, isn’t it? Uncle Jon, huh? It’s wonderful, wonderful news. I thought you weren’t going to try and start a family until after the vote, though?”

“We’re so not going into that.” Bane went red.

“The Lord had other ideas,” I said simply. By way of my un-regretted carelessness…

 

“Let’s sit here.” I guided Bane to a bench near that grassy corner of the garden where Father Mark was buried. Where just Father Mark was buried. I rubbed my bump, joy choking me yet again, then glanced at Bane. How would he take this?

“Bane…I, uh, I didn’t just want to come for a walk. I wanted to talk to you. I, um, need to tell you something. Please, please don’t be…too hurt…or…angry…that I didn’t tell you before, okay? I wanted to tell you so much, but I was just so scared that it might…well, depress you again. I was terrified. So please don’t be too upset.”

Bane’s brows had drawn together slightly. I could practically see his ears straining. “Are you about to tell me why you lost it like that in the hospital?” He’d accepted the apparent explanation at the time, but he knew me too well.

“Um…yes.”

His brows drew together a little more, rather shrewdly. “And…why you went for that midnight walk?”

“Yes,” I said softly. “I am.”

 

When I’d finished Bane sat frowning, and I tried to identify the emotions flitting across his face. Hurt and anger, yes, what did I expect? But also anguish and guilt…

“Margo,” he said after almost a whole minute’s silence—thinking before speaking, that was new since we’d started seeing Karen North. “I really…I don’t know what to say. I…do feel hurt and angry and…I wish you’d told me, obviously, but…I suppose I can see why you didn’t. Mostly…I think mostly I’m just furious with myself for getting in that state and not being there for you. I should have been there to…to…to do this.” He gathered me into an all-enveloping bear hug and pressed his cheek to mine.

“Oh Margo,” he whispered into my hair, “Didn’t anyone know?”

“Well, Unicorn knew. He was bodyguarding me, remember? Try stopping a VSS agent checking inside the mysterious box you’re burying at the dead of night.”

“Unicorn. Well…good. I hope that made it…a little easier.”

“I suppose it did. It was all pretty awful, to be honest, but it turns out I made a huge mistake and everything is fine. More than fine! So…well, I was always going to tell you as soon as possible and now I have, so we can forget about it and concentrate on the baby.”

Bane’s hand found my bump. “Yes…but you can talk about it to me if it’s on your mind at all, okay?”

“Now who’s all for counseling!” I teased.

He just shrugged. “Margo, the worst thing for me about, well…this…” he waved a hand in the vicinity of his empty eye sockets, “is not being able to protect you anymore. I feel so useless, it drives me crazy! And I get why you didn’t tell me, but in future, you will tell me, won’t you? Let me be a man in the only way that’s left to me and support you.”

“Oh, Bane,” I hugged him. “Of course I would normally talk to you.”

“I know I haven’t actually been all that approachable, these last few months. But…I’ve turned over a new leaf and, well, you always accuse me of being overprotective and I know I am. But please don’t start doing that to me, will you?”

“I won’t, Bane, I promise.” We snuggled close for a minute.

“Not that I’m asking you to let me walk into walls, mind you,” said Bane more lightly, when we released each other again.

“Like I would.”

 

Sister Krayj and Sister Mari came around for dinner later. Sister Krayj was still especially sober-faced in the light of Father Mark’s death, and what with Bee, so I tried to tamp down the spontaneous outbreaks of beaming as I let them in. I still felt ready to burst with happiness. Bane had taken what I had to tell him better than I’d expected, and our baby was alive!

“How’s Bee?” I asked Sister Krayj immediately. Bee had woken up the previous night, but his condition was sobering, even in my euphoric state.

“Same as earlier. Still not recognizing anyone. But it’s not all bad, it seems. He hasn’t lost language, and he remembers what things are and most crucial things with regard to normal functioning. But at least for now, his memories are almost totally gone. Oh, there was one good thing. You know he didn’t recognize Snail yesterday?”

I nodded. It’d nearly killed Snail. Heart-rending to watch.

“Well, when Snail went in again today, Bee remembered him—only from yesterday, but Doctor Frederick says that’s still a very good sign, because it means his brain remains capable of making new memories. And Bee knew Snail was his friend, too. Couldn’t remember anything to back up his conviction, but he knew it.”

“Any long-term prognosis yet?”

“Well, Doctor Frederick is already confident he’ll be able to resume a fairly normal life. Perhaps even transfer to the Vatican Police.” A less demanding role than VSS. “But whether he’ll ever get the memories back…it’s basically a wait, pray and see.”

I shuddered. Poor Bee. What would it be like to have a past that was blank? Would you even be the same person, still?

“Well, take a seat,” I said, “the food’s ready.”

But Sister Krayj made a beeline for the dresser and picked something up. “Do I congratulate you both?”

“Oh no!” I sprang across, grabbed the scan, made to put it behind my back, realized the pointlessness of this and brought it out again as Sister Mari hurried across to coo over it. “Yes, you do, but please don’t tell anyone; he’s only eleven weeks.”

How many people had I said that to, now? I’d phoned Kyle several times, to tell him the news, hoping the baby might somehow heal the breach, but he wasn’t answering. He might be out, but I’d a feeling he just didn’t want to speak to me after the way I’d run off earlier. I’d have to catch him in person. I’d told Eduardo, though: he hated not knowing stuff. I suppose I’d actually only told one extra person, then, unless one counted intent.

Bane came in from the bedroom and hastily made a beeline for where we stood by the dresser.

“Too late,” I told him. “They found it.”

He looked sheepish. “Sorry.”

“Never mind.” A knock at the door. “That’ll be Jon, and the food’s ready.”

I’d cooked a rather less than usually cheesy macaroni cheese—no one used the word bland, but it was. It stayed down. Lovely.

Underneath the table, Bane’s hand was searching for my wonderfully occupied belly. I guided it there and laid mine over it, hands covering a double measure of preciousness.

“But we won.” Sister Mari’s plaintive tone drew my attention back to the conversation.

“We may have won,” Sister Krayj managed to be impatient and amiable at the same time, “but it’s not like we’ve fixed everything that’s wrong with the world. Religious freedom, yes—but the EuroGov haven’t even returned our church buildings. And they’ll take back even the territory we’ve gained if we give them an inch—politically and geographically.”

“Offense may be the best form of defense,” said Jon. “We need to keep the pressure on them.”

“You’re not out of a job yet,” said Sister Krayj, since Sister Mari still looked unconvinced. “And Margo certainly isn’t.”

My hand paused in rubbing my bump through my blouse. “Huh? Oh, I’ll probably wind down the blog a bit, y’know. I’m going to be otherwise occupied.”

“Well, don’t wind it down too much.” Sister Krayj sounded decidedly disapproving.

“I’ll still do a bit.” I waved reassurance with my unoccupied hand. “But there are plenty of other voices out there, y’know.”

“There’s only one Margaret Verrall,” said Jon.

 

“At this rate there’ll be no one left to tell when it gets to three months,” I said to Lucas as I arrived the following day.

He shrugged. Then his gaze gravitated to my belly, and a soft smile took up residence on his face. Thinking about the baby made him almost as radiant as it made me. But there was a guarded look in his eyes which wasn’t so nice to see, as though deep down he couldn’t really believe I’d let him near my son.

I leaned forward until I managed to intercept his gaze. “You’re going to be Uncle Lucas again, y’know.”

He stared at me, eyes suddenly shining with tears. Whispered, “Second chances…” Thinking of Father Mark’s homily? He stepped forward and took both my hands in his. “You are an amazing person, Margaret Verrall.”

I ducked my head, embarrassed. “I think most people are amazing, if they’ll just let themselves be.”

“Some are more amazing than others,” he murmured, slipping his arms around me and holding me tight for a moment. He pressed a gentle kiss on the top of my head before stepping back and waving me to a seat.

He set a pot of tea down a few minutes later. “I’ve got some advice I wanted to give your husband, actually.”

“Well, why don’t you tell him?”

He poured carefully. “I’d rather you just passed it on. Don’t want to preach at him.”

“Okay. Don’t think he’d bite your head off, though.”

Lucas shrugged. “Well, this is just from observation and from my own complete failures, but I think the most important things he must do are to look after you, look after the baby and look after his own conscience.”

“Um, okay, I’ll pass it on.” I sipped at my tea—so far, so good. “How’s the greenhouse going?”

“Well, nothing’s ready yet, of course.” He sounded slightly sad—now who was being impatient! “Ranulph is very interested in the idea of selling the plants, though. Says now there’s peace, he may have time to do some crosses of his own.”

“I thought you two would hit it off.”

“He seems very nice. So many nice people here. I met this nice but scary Sister this morning. Just came up in St. Peter’s and said she thought it was time she met me.”

Nice but scary… “Sister Krayj?”

“Yes. Reckon she’s done some damage in her time, but her heart’s in the right place now.”

“Remind you of anyone?”

“Father Mark,” he said, a little sadly. He did miss him.

“Anyone else?”

“Me too, I suppose.”

“Yes. We’re big on second chances here, y’know.”

 

Sitting down at my computer when I got home, I tried to work. I’d not blogged much since I got back, having a bit of a rest, though I’d done a few short posts in thanks and praise for people’s votes. But people were still reading and it seemed rude to stop entirely—I’ve got what I wanted so I’m not going to speak to you anymore? Maybe not.

I’d got pretty well stuck in when a sudden hammering on the door made me jump almost out of my skin. I dashed to the door and checked the peephole. Jon.

“Who?” asked Bane.

“Jon.” I opened the door.

“Is the place burning down?” demanded Bane, as Jon stepped inside. He’d made Bane jump too.

“No, it’s not that, something amazing has happened!”

“We already know that. We won the vote, and Margo’s having a baby.”

“Yes, I know,” Jon dismissed these momentous happenings with a flap of his hand, “but another amazing thing! I’ve just been having tea with Pope Cornelius, and d’you know what he said?”

Bane got a very intent look, but stayed silent.

“What?” I asked, baffled.

“He said…he asked had I thought about the seminary?”

“Oh.” I blinked. “Would you…like to go to the seminary?”

“Would I! Yes! I’ve always wanted to…but how could I? So I said to him, what use is a blind priest? And he said, well, everything’s changing now, with priests not being hunted anymore, so there’s no reason why I shouldn’t be considered.”

“So what did you say?” asked Bane, smiling.

“I said I’d like to be considered, of course! So it’s not definite or anything. There’s this whole selection procedure to discern whether you may be called; they don’t take just anyone! But I can try! You’ve changed the world, Margo, and I can try!”

I shied away as he tried to throw his arms around me. Enough accolades! “For pity’s sake, Jon! I have not changed the world! God has changed the world through a whole, whole load of people who went into ballot booths and found the courage to vote in accordance with their conscience! Not me! Don’t you dare say that again!”

Jon blinked, brought slightly back to earth by my anger. “Sorry, Margo. I just meant… The Lord has worked through you too. Quite a lot.” He seemed to think better of this line of argument. “Sorry. The world has been changed. Are you happier with that?”

“Yes, that’s better.” But I let him hug me, and my return hug was genuine. “I’m really happy for you, Jon. I’d no idea that’s what you wanted.” How arrogant was I, worrying he was in love with me? Sounded like I’d never been what he wanted most!

His face lit up again. “Well, I tried not to…to even think about it. How could I inflict myself upon the persecuted church? But now everything’s different!” He hugged Bane too.

“I’m really glad,” said Bane. “I did think, maybe, now… I’m glad I was right.” Then he nudged Jon and added, “You’ve just got to persuade them to take you, eyeless wonder.”

“Thank you!”

 

Too many accolades sloshing around online, as well. Absolutely mortifying. I’d been working on a blog post before—and especially after!—Jon’s visit, except one visit to the bathroom, sigh. Struggling to hit the right tone. Didn’t want to come across as too stern, but really did want to nip it all in the bud. Savior of future generations of reAssignees, one blog was calling me. Simply ghastly.

Ring-ring. Ring-ring.

Bane had his earplugs in, saving the world again, so I dragged myself away from the computer. “Hello?”

“Margo? It’s Unicorn.”

“Hi, U. What’s up?”

“A SpecialCorps Lieutenant and some soldiers just showed up at the gates, asking to see Mr. Everington. We duly informed Mr. Everington, and he toddled off down there.”

“He what?”

“Exactly. He’s a free man so we could hardly stop him, and Eduardo’s got some guys there to make sure the EuroGov don’t try any funny business, but I think you should get down there and make sure he doesn’t wander over that white line.”

“Right away!”

 

Pretty much dragging Bane behind me, I tumbled through the main gate a few minutes later. Skidded to a halt as a couple of VSS guys immediately barred my way. I peered between them and caught my breath.

Lucas, looking, if anything, even more than usually immaculately turned out, stood right beside the white line that marked the border between Free State and EuroBloc, speaking to a EuroLieutenant standing just the other side. He had a small box in one hand and seemed to be scrolling down the screen of some tiny gadget he held in the other.

“What’s he doing?” I asked, spotting Unicorn.

Unicorn turned very baffled blue eyes to me. “Buying something, I think. He rejected the first box—they must’ve been trying to fob him off. He seems happy with this one, though.”

Buying something? With what?

Lucas closed the little box and snapped the clasps securely shut. Turned towards the gates—saw me and smiled.

“Lucas!” I called. “Come over here!” Surely the EuroLieutenant could just grab him and pull him over the line? It would take a full-out gun battle to get him back, and those soldiers were all carrying Lethals.

Lucas said a couple of words to the Lieutenant; the Lieutenant called over one of the soldiers, who left his rifle with his comrades. Lucas handed the soldier the box and watched closely as he crossed the line, came up to me and held it out. I took it automatically. Lucas was far, far too close!

“Lucas! Come here, please?” I really didn’t like the way the Lieutenant was watching him.

Lucas just smiled at me again. “If there’s anything you feel I should forgive you for,” he looked amused at the very idea, “I do.”

My stomach knotted with dread. “Lucas, what are you doing?”

The Lieutenant said something I couldn’t catch. Lucas made a “patience” gesture and looked at me again, a long look, like he was trying to memorize me.

“What I can,” he said.

And he stepped over the line.