WAY OUT OF HERE

My name is Gordon Delanolan. Most people just call me ‘Nolan.’

Nolan, heavyset guy with a piebald head. Yep, that’s me.

You might have heard of me before, many years ago when I won the lottery.

Yeah, that guy. That was me.

I’m not talking about five hundred bucks on a scratch off ticket either, folks. That wouldn’t be newsworthy, would it?

No way.

I hit the big one, split a two hundred and fifty million dollar jackpot with three other winners. The lump sum payment was fifty million after taxes. Not a bad haul by any stretch.

After striking it rich, I started living the good life. I paid off my mortgage and gave the house to my brother, Thomas, and decided to buy my parents their very own dream home, sparing no expense.

They picked out a swank pad in the nicest part of town, the very heart of Ponte Vedra. I even bought them each a brand-new Beemer.

After I had taken adequate care of my family, I decided to wave goodbye to my old life. I bought a boat, hired a crew and pulled up anchor to sail around the world, traveling to all the exotic locations I had never dreamed I would ever see except in the bi-fold in National Geographic or on Google Maps.

But like everything in life good or bad, I eventually grew weary of it. I began to wonder what was worse: being a slave-wager, or terminally wealthy. Either way, you take what you have for granted. The grass is always greener somewhere else.

Not knowing what else to do with myself, I decided to settle down and get married—make some babies and watch my investments grow.

I met Janine while vacationing in the Greek Isles and we fell deeply in love. She was the most amazing person I’d ever laid eyes on, and immediately I had to have her.

Have her I did.

Her presence filled a void in my life I had never realized was there: companionship. I had never known how lonely I had been until I had a partner with whom to share my fortune.

Money, I discovered, did not begin to fill the emptiness of a singular existence. In this new situation, I had a beautiful woman to share it with.

Before we knew it, we had ourselves a little baby boy, and not long after, a baby girl, too. Life was better than good, yet something was missing. I couldn’t find happiness. I needed more, but what I needed was more elusive than proof of the afterlife.

Then one night while I was suffering from a bout of insomnia, while Janine was sleeping on her back with her hands folded over her tanned belly, everything changed. She was so still I feared she might have died (I actually put my ear next to her mouth to ensure she was breathing, and was relieved to feel steady exhalations tickling my lobe), when a hell-spawned cramp hit my stomach like a hand grenade.

The pain drove me out of bed and I was compelled to pad down the hall into the living room where I could suffer alone. I really didn’t want to disturb anyone else, and I managed to be about as quiet as a blender full of nuts and bolts set on puree. I bumped into every obstacle I attempted to avoid along the way. Still, I managed to avoid waking up the kids as I staggered past their darkened bedrooms. I tried to distract myself by watching some television, but the cramps continued. No kidding, it felt like someone was digging around in my guts with a fireplace poker, trying to extract my beloved innards.

I ran to the bathroom in the hallway and tried to vomit but accomplished nothing but an agonizing series of dry heaves that left me feeling wrung out and hollow inside.

Exhausted, I decided some music might soothe me, so I grabbed the remote control and turned on the stereo. A song by the Desert Southwest Blues Band began to play as I settled into my recliner, sweat running in little rivers down my face. I had met these guys at a festival in New Mexico once and they had signed a CD for me. They were a real nice bunch of guys.

The sinuous bass and bluesy refrain of the electric guitars were comforting. It wasn’t long before I was drifting off to sleep, the torment in my guts nearly forgotten. Just as the waking world began to blur around the edges and dreams started to unfold surreal landscapes about me, I was startled awake by a gravelly voice emanating from somewhere within the room.

“Nolan!”

I bolted upright in my chair. The voice had come from directly in front of me, but there was no one there.

Had I dreamt it?

Questioning if you’re awake or not usually means you are, but I pinched my forearm hard anyway, wincing at the sharp pain. Dumbass! I chided myself.

Then the voice spoke again.

“Nolan, go to the bathroom,” it said.

“Jesus!” I squealed.

“Not even close, bub,” it replied with a sinister cackle.

I really began to sweat at that point, and I won’t lie: I was afraid I was losing my mind. There was clearly nobody in the room with me, but there was no denying I was hearing the voice as plain as day.

There was something familiar about the voice, and that vague recognition set my teeth on edge.

I was distressed to no end trying to figure out where the disembodied voice was coming from. I got up and paced tight little circles in the cold glow of the television screen.

Then the voice was suddenly right in my ear. “Get going wise guy, or I’ll have no choice but to force you in there myself.”

The pain in my abdomen had subsided considerably, but now the agonizing cramps had been replaced by the strangest sensation. It felt as though one end of a wire had been tied around my testicles and the other to my rib cage. Every movement made my balls jump up and down like fuzzy dice hanging from the rear-view mirror of a car being driven down a bumpy dirt road.

I wanted to ignore the voice more than anything, but finally I couldn’t take it any longer.

“Who are you?” I asked, another slice of my sanity sliding away. “Better yet, where are you?”

There was no response, and for some reason, that felt worse than any answer I could have anticipated.

I muted the television and flipped on the light switches one by one. As the room filled with a soft glow, I was convinced I was alone.

My grapes were aching, and I had a sudden urge to piss. Without further ado, I ran to the bathroom. When nature calls, you have to answer.

I made it with no time to spare. Near to bursting, I unzipped and flipped up the toilet seat and . . . nothing happened. Talk about anticlimactic. Holy shit! One second I was going to have to do an impromptu bit of laundry, and the next there was absolutely no hint of urine to expel.

The voice still did not return. I began to suspect I had just had my very first panic attack.

Then my t-shirt moved.

I was looking down at my shriveled pants snake, no easy task due to the considerable bulge of my belly, straining to void a bladder-full, when the front of my shirt suddenly poked out about an inch from my stomach, and something that looked like a fingertip traced a line about two inches long from left to right, then back again before retreating back to where it had originated.

I yelled out in shock and tore my shirt over my head and tossed it into the shower stall. I ran my trembling fingers all over my jiggling abdomen,

I am a fairly heavy man. I had a lot of ground to cover, but no matter where I pressed, poked or prodded, everything appeared to be fine.

My relief only lasted for a second.

The strange voice spoke again. “Listen, buddy. This is no time to panic. Take a few deep breaths and after you calm down, we’ll have a little talk. All this will make more sense.”

I heeded his advice and bent over the sink, sucking air slowly into my lungs. I got light-headed, the edges of my vision narrowing.

“What do you want from me?” I begged.

The stranger spoke again.

“I need you to understand I mean you no harm, first and foremost. Acknowledge this fact before we go any further.”

I groaned, unable to accept I wasn’t in danger. How was I supposed to believe I wasn’t in danger when I was on the verge of losing my mind?

However, I nodded my head in agreement.

“What was that, Nolan?” the voice asked. “I didn’t hear you.”

“Fine,” I answered, my voice shakier than I wished. “I believe you. Let’s get on with this.”

There was a moment when I was sure I would suffer a cataclysmic stroke and Janine or one of the kids, would stumble bleary-eyed into the bathroom and discover my corpse curled up on the floor in the morning.

It didn’t happen, though.

The voice came again.

“Nolan, here’s the deal, plain and simple: I know what you need.”

Shirtless and cold, with rivulets of sweat coursing down my ample body, I once again gazed into the mirror.

A single tear rolled from my right eye, perhaps it was only sweat. No, it was definitely a tear. I hate to admit it, but at that moment, I had a childish yearning for my mommy and daddy.

It took all I could bear not to scream when I realized that my mirror mouth was moving when the strange voice spoke. Was I possessed by a demon?

“Are you crying? Good grief, man,” the me-in-the-mirror chastised. “Nolan, don’t go all pussy on me now. I never cried once in my life. I’ll shove a tampon up your ass if you don’t stop it right now, you hear me?”

I composed myself as best I could, grabbed a towel off the rack and wiped my face, chest and armpits with it before tossing it into the shower with my shirt.

“Are you quite finished?” the voice asked, clearly impatient with me.

I gave an unintelligible grunt, which apparently satisfied him. “All right, bub, listen close: You’ve grown tired of your life, you amble around shuffling your feet wondering how the hell you managed to get bored when you have everything anyone in this world could possibly want. I assure you, my boy, you haven’t even scratched the surface, yet. You crave new experiences. Well, I can show you the bottom of the iceberg you call your life. Together we can flip that thing upside down, and you can start all over. In short, all your dreams are about to come true.”

He paused to let me absorb this before continuing. I just stood there, waiting for the me in the mirror to start talking again. I was beyond shock at that point.

“I can take you somewhere you’ve never been, and you will never want to leave. You may think there is nothing else, pal, but there is so much more than your fat heart could ever imagine. There is no end to the worlds you can conquer.”

“I don’t understand,” I said. It was the best response I could muster. I couldn’t make heads or tails of the nonsense he was spouting. “Who are you? The devil, or something?”

“Oh, I am so sorry, Nolan,” the voice said, sarcasm thick as fifty year old milk. “My manners escaped me. My name is Gordon Delanolan, and I’ve been hanging out in your navel. Honestly, I’m ready to get out of here.”

The voice wavered as it spoke, as if trying hard not to laugh at the word navel.

As I listened, I too, came close joining in on the giggling. I was losing my mind. No other explanation existed.

“So,” I stated. “You’re me, right? Is that it? That’s the big reveal, huh?”

This time the voice was mirthless, it had taken on a cruel edge.

“Now you’re cooking with fire, pal. But the ‘big reveal,’ as you call it, is still to come.”

I couldn’t resist. I pried my tummy apart with my fingers, wondering if the voice I had been hearing really was coming from there. I have a deep belly button, surrounded by a dome shaped belly. It took a couple of tries before I was able to dig a finger all the way in.

“What the hell do you want from me, asshole?” I demanded.

The voice laughed merrily. “Stop it, Nolan! Oh my, that tickles!”

I poked around in there harder, it did tickle a little. Then I spread the belly button wide until it resembled a toothless mouth gaping in my midsection. It wasn’t funny, but I couldn’t help giggling.

“Find any potato chip crumbs in that gut hole of yours, buddy?” it asked. This was followed by more runaway laughter.

I felt like someone had opened a canister of nitrous oxide in the bathroom.

“All right, chum, you want the scoop? Here it is. Here’s the run down. You, old buddy—old pal, are burned out. You wanted to see all the world had to offer, and you did, for the most part. You’ve pretty much exhausted all that this world has to offer. What I have to offer you is another world, Nolan. All you’ve got to do is follow me into your navel. I can help you. Let me show you exactly what I mean, but I’ll need your cooperation. You just have to trust me.”

As I absorbed his diatribe, I decided I wanted none of it, nothing to do with this craziness. How could I be standing here taking any of this with even an iota of significance.

I made one final defiant stand for sanity.

“Get the fuck out of here, whoever you are, whatever you are. I don’t know what’s going on, an acid flashback maybe? I’m getting Janine to take me to the emergency room right –”

Before I could spit out the last word, a spasm of agonizing pain spiraled down my spine and into my guts.

The pain bowled me over and I thought I might die.

A gray slime covered hand burst out of my navel, followed by an entire arm. Quick as a flash it reached up and grabbed me by the short hairs on the back of my neck, yanking me downward, bending my spine into an improbable angle until I felt my body was on the verge of folding in half.

I tried to fight it, but those fingers had such a tight grip on my head, I was helpless to resist.

The next thing I knew, I was staring into my own belly button, into a gaping black hole in my abdomen.

Then darkness overtook me and my pain dissipated like a puff of smoke in a breeze. I had the sensation of shooting down a steep, snow-coated slope on an aluminum garbage can lid.

It was dark and I was flying off a cliff. I tried to scream, but when my mouth opened it was immediately filled with a tangy liquid that reminded me of spoiled eggnog. I gagged, fearing I might drown. My nostrils clogged up with the putrid stuff.

That was when it occurred to me that I was inside my own stomach.

Right when I thought my next breath would drown me, the slimy mess receded, and I slowed to a stop.

Through my clenched eyelids, I felt the hot glow of a bright light. I opened my eyes, cautiously, and was both relieved and astonished to discover terra-firma beneath my bare feet.

I wiped the slime from my eyes to clear my vision and was amazed at what I saw around me.

I was standing in the middle of a large meadow. The sun was shining and the goo evaporated from me quickly in a puff of yellow steam. Birds chirped and a soft breeze stirred the air pleasantly.

I took quick inventory of my appendages and was shocked to find that I was dressed in a pricey looking suit. I clutched my stomach, shocked to find that my gigantic belly was conspicuously absent.

I ran my fingers over my head and was delighted when they encountered a thick shock of hair. My cheeks were covered in thick whiskers.

I looked around, trying to figure out what to do next. The meadow in which I stood was surrounded by a perfectly symmetrical forest of tall pine interspersed with enormous oak trees, bigger than any I had ever seen. The meadow formed a perfect circle carved into the middle of the forest.

The sun moved across the clear sky much too quickly, and within minutes it was setting over the furry green pine tops.

I turned around and practically jumped out of my new suit when I saw there was a man standing there only two feet away.

I knew this man. I had spent my entire life within his skin.

He was me.

This was not a particularly humorous moment for me, but the other me bent over at the waist and laughed uncontrollably.

After he had a good laugh at my expense, he straightened back up and screwed his face up at me in consternation, wiping tears from his leaking eyes.

“Before you start freaking out, Nolan,” he said, after he regained his composure, “know that you are still you. I am still me. And yet, we are the same person. You see, this is what you look like in this version of your life, the one that exists in this version of reality.”

I stared at him, speechless.

“It’s a lot to absorb, I know. I offer to you my humblest apology, especially for the way I had to do this. It was the only way I could think of to get you here.”

He squatted down atop a small stack of stones. They were barely visible in the natural camouflage of the green, waving grasses which carpeted the meadow we now inhabited together.

“Sit, Nolan. Rest yourself,” he said with a wave of his hand.

His countenance (or, rather, mine) grew slack and devoid of emotion, yet his eyes still glittered fiercely. This was becoming too much to bear. But it was all too real. There was no point in denying it any longer.

I recognized that look. Janine called it my “deep thought face”.

“I want you to picture an infinite amount of worlds stacked on top of each other. Then consider the fact that in each of the worlds there is another you. Each you is different, but essentially the same. I am living proof of it. I found a way to get through the barrier between your world and mine. I am just another Gordon Delanolan among millions and perhaps billions of you who inhabit the multiverse.”

He jumped up and waved my arms around emphatically throughout his tirade, dancing and prancing around flamboyantly, causing my body to jiggle and bounce. It felt humiliating. My face glowed red with shame and anger.

“Stop,” I shouted at him. “Stop doing that! What the fuck is going on here, man?”

“We are the same person: you are me and I am you. Follow me?”

True to form, he didn’t bother to wait for my response.

“Good. That’s the long and the short of it, Nolan, as our mother always said. You’ve heard her say that tired expression a thousand times, haven’t you? Since we are the same person, nothing good can come of us existing together on the same plane of reality for any length of time, though. One of us has got to go.”

I finally coughed up a few words and managed to spit them at him.

“Why are you doing this to me? Or you . . . or whoever the hell we are?” I shouted at him, nearly delirious.

The man who was me turned deathly pale as I spoke, his gaze fixed just over my shoulder.

Good. I was getting through to him. I thought.

“Nolan, I’d love to continue this conversation with you, but right now it’s very important that you run into the woods as fast as you can. And I mean right now. Follow me!”

Then he turned and made a mad dash toward the darkening tree line at the edge of the meadow.

I didn’t turn around to find out why he was running. I simply kicked myself into high gear and bolted after him. The grass was tall, and sopping with dew, but I ran and ran, as fast as my legs would carry me. Behind me came a thunderous noise, like a John Bonham drum solo at full tilt boogie. I hoped I’d never find out what was causing it, but I had a feeling it was inevitable.

My heart was pumping harder than it had in a very long time, but I did discover that my new slender body was much more in shape than the sloppy fat one I had grown accustomed to. I would have fallen over and died after running more than a dozen feet in that old body.

I ran into the forest looking for the other Nolan, but he was nowhere in sight. The woods were dark. Then, as I made my way about twenty feet in, a hand shot out from behind one of the monolithic oak trees, and grabbed me by the collar, yanking me backwards with astounding strength, and slammed me bodily against the tree.

Fear glowed in his eyes. He was wheezing from the effort of the mad dash into the woods.

The thundering noise grew maddeningly closer.

Then it was on us, around us—it was everywhere.

I squinted against the dust cloud that had erupted all around, broken twigs and dead leaves flying into my face, and in the midst of the maelstrom, I saw something I never dreamed possible.

Creatures taller than giraffes with heads that looked more like warthogs, sporting great murderous looking tusks stampeded through the forest around us. Their bodies were striped like tigers, and long and deadly spines resembling porcupine quills jutted out of their bodies everywhere.

I was dumbfounded and terrified. Did all the animals in this world breed freely with one another?

Darkness was falling fast, the creatures did not slow down, and soon the only proof they had been there at all was the settling dust left behind from their passage.

When the last stragglers vanished into the trees, and the dust slowly settled, the alternate me grabbed me and began dragging me along behind him. We walked a few hundred feet through the forest, and the trees began to thin out.

I saw alternate me was out of breath and struggling. I must admit, a large part of me was happy to see it. Served the bastard right.

We reached a clearing at the edge of the forest. As I walked into the clearing, I realized that we were approaching a cliff. We walked in silence towards the edge, him still pulling me gently along, until we stood a couple of feet from a yawning precipice. I peered over the side and felt a wave of vertigo. I have always been terrified by heights.

I suffered a moment in which Alter Me had one mission, coax me up into the cliffs and push me over the edge.

Far beneath us lay a large inlet of blue water. In the distance, on the other bank, the most breathtaking city I had ever seen sprawled out for miles and miles in all directions. At that moment I felt something like elation course through me, and although it was insane to consider, I actually considered that I might like it here, after all.

The other Nolan stood beside me gazing across the inlet at the gilded city beyond, with an expression nothing short of admiration. He placed his hand affectionately on my shoulder.

“This, my friend, is what I’ve been dying to show you.”

Together we took in the view, the gilded city of towers, spires that stabbed at the darkening sky. The city’s skyscrapers made even the mighty Empire State Building look humble and squat in comparison.

In a marina, hundreds of strange ships moored, a few boats still skimming the water as they headed back to their slips for the night.

“It’s beautiful, isn’t it?” he asked, his voice equal parts hope and admiration.

He swept his hand over the scene before us as an almost inhuman smile threatened to split his face cleanly in two.

“That is my city, Nolan,” he said matter-of-factly. “All of this, and so much more, can be yours. All you have to do is accept my proposal. Leave your old and tired world behind for this one. I am a man of great wealth, held in the highest of regard. Here you can be me and have what is mine—my homes, my riches, my many beautiful wives.”

I mulled this over, still shaken by having been dragged into my own navel, by having nearly been killed in a stampede of alien creatures, and struggling to comprehend the revelatory city that lay below in all its majesty. I realized that this might actually be what I had been longing for all along.

Still, I could not, would not take him up on his offer. Something just was not right.

“I can’t, man. I’m sorry,” I said, “but I have my wife and kids to think about.” A thought struck me and I asked. “Can they come, too?”

He laughed.

“No, Nolan. I’m afraid not. You see, they exist here, too. Take your shirt off, Nolan. I want to show you something.”

I did as he instructed, apologizing as I unbuttoned my shirt.

“Listen, I appreciate your offer, I really do. This place is as good as paradise. I just love my family too much to desert them. I hope you understand.”

“Well, here’s the rub, bub,” the other Nolan said, still smiling. He began rubbing his hands together like a homeless man over a fire barrel.

“We have to trade places. You see, I’m bored of my world, just like you. I could be the you that you left behind in your old world, physically anyway. You wife and kids won’t even notice the difference. You can stay here, your conscience clear, and enjoy exploring all the wonders of this new world, and I will be your replacement there. It’s a true win-win situation.”

I was perplexed. He was almost making sense, but still something felt wrong, rotten. My mind was made up.

Then I noticed a cluster of shadows floating towards us through the woods. The other Nolan saw them, too.

In an instant he became a flurry of motion. He leapt into the air like a diver off a diving board and plunged head first into my now shirtless belly.

The pain was exquisite. The force of him knocked me onto the ground, and I lay helpless, watching in horror as he wriggled and twisted the rest of his body into my stomach. I clutched in desperation at his ankle, trying to pull him back out, but he yanked it away. Then, like a snake into a burrow, he slid all the way into me and disappeared with a wet popping sound.

The shadowy figures emerged from the woods in front of me.

I counted at least a dozen men and a couple of young boys, all wearing the cloaks you would see in a monastery.

They surrounded me, sizing me. They appeared hesitant, as if I frightened them somehow.

One of the monks, whom I took to be the leader spoke. “You knew you couldn’t run forever, Brother Gordon.”

“Now that we have you, justice will finally be served.” the tallest man of the bunch said sternly. The next thing I heard was a loud crack, and pain exploded in my head. My vision filled with the brilliance of a meteor shower and then everything went dark.

I awoke sometime later on a gurney in what appeared to be a hospital. Two of the shadowy Friar Tuck-looking dudes stood close by, discussing something amongst themselves in hushed tones.

When they saw I was awake, they turned to face me. One of them pulled a rolled parchment from the sleeve of his robe.

The leader of the cloaked men cleared his throat and held up the parchment importantly. “Brother Gordon Delanolan, for heinous crimes and misdeeds you have been found guilty and sentenced to hang three nights hence.”

I tried to explain the circumstances that brought me here, that I was not the man they sought, but it was no use. They simply ignored me.

They put me in a tiny cell where now I sit—writing, worrying, waiting for the hangman to come.

I have only a couple hours left before they stretch me. I think of that doppelganger enjoying my life, my family, putting the screws to my wife. Anger blossoms inside me, but I am powerless to do anything about it.

This sharp stick I’m using as a pen is running dry. I need more ink.

So I take aim at my navel and stab, stab, stab.