VALLEY OF THE DUNES

“What you should do,” said Larry, pointing a nicotine-stained finger at the ocean, “is pick a place on the horizon, and focus on it. Tune out the distracting noises around you, and suppress the arguing voices inside your own head for once. Listen to the surf as it meets the shore while you stare at the point where the sky meets the water. As everything else fades into the background, you will begin to understand just how insignificant your problems are in the grand scheme of things. It is a humbling feeling, and a truly liberating experience. I know because I learned how to do it a long time ago. It’s the closest I’ve ever come to successfully meditating. Once I realized how fleeting everything really is, my stress level dropped straight through the floor.”

Tanya nodded at Larry approvingly, only half-listening, while she daydreamed about swimming out as far as she could and then going even further to escape his incessant babbling. He was a great guy until he opened his mouth. He was good looking, but overtly obsessed with himself, thought he was the authority on every topic. He had been cool at first, but it had not taken long for her to discover he was the type she usually avoided.

She watched his lively gestures with a cool detachment she hoped he didn’t notice, as his ravings became more pronounced, volume swelling as his monologue gained gravitas. While Larry’s animated energy and passion may have been positive characteristics, he was too nihilistic to be very interesting. A feeling spread through her, sharp and bitter like a sudden winter squall whipping through a snow-blanketed aspen forest. It was the feeling she got when she knew she was going to be forced into breaking off another relationship. More and more lately, she was tasked with ending these things. She was becoming a professional break-up artist. Why did she always have to do it? Was that the important question? Did it matter?

Simple, she told herself. You swim through the schools of colorful fish, oblivious to the sea of possibility around you, and zero in on the camouflaged losers that blend in almost perfectly with the normal ones. Then there were the ones that at first seem to be down-to-earth and have their shit together—until they showed their true colors, proving to be mentally or verbally abusive, insecure douche bags, sociopaths, or plain creepy assholes. Either way, they never wanted to go away. They all fell tails over nose for her.

She longed for just one of them to say, “It isn’t you, it’s me,” or “I never want to see you again. Please don’t call.” It was depressing, always being the bad guy. Still, she did derive a certain modicum of satisfaction from ending the relationships, if she was telling the truth. She could not pretend that she didn’t enjoy the process in her own twisted way. There were plenty of fish in the ocean, but the one she was looking for felt like it was about to become the one that got away, so at the very least she could balance the scales with the pleasure of ending things.

Larry had taken this relationship to the point of no return, so it was him, not her. He would never go away on his own, and she knew it.

She had already met someone else, anyway. She was going out with Todd Reynolds on Friday night, maybe he would be different. It was the first time she’d made two dates so close together. Though she knew juggling men was wrong, it was an activity that she had recently realized was not beneath her.

She was pushing thirty and her urge to settle down, start a family and feel comfortable in life for a change was beginning to alter her in various and surprising ways. A couple of years ago, dating two men simultaneously would’ve made her feel slutty. Nancy, a coworker at the bank, was constantly dating, and the rotation of prospective mates was a complex narrative Tanya had once tried to keep up with but had finally stopped trying. Tanya was dead certain Nancy had doubled, even tripled down on her dates for the weekend at times.

She had once thought Nancy to be a loose, easy woman, but now she felt she understood the girl’s motivations. How often did one meet the person of their dreams or fall in love on the first date? One had to spread oneself around to meet the optimum number of potential partners if one ever hoped to meet stringent expectations.

By Friday, she knew Larry would be nothing but a fading memory and she’d be on to the next in an endless procession of lousy potential mates.

Shit happens, she thought, but felt remorseful already. She really liked Larry.

Minus the endless philosophizing.

And his smoking habit.

That was the worst thing. Every other minor annoyance paled in comparison to the man stinking like an ashtray twenty-four-seven. She had convinced him to start chewing gum and wearing cologne, but those steps did little to mask the foul bouquet that accompanied him everywhere he went.

THE SUN WAS SINKING close to the waterline, the ocean lit up as brilliant rays colored the surface, a million golden shimmers of light dazzling her eyes, making her look away, right into Larry’s tirade.

“So, you’re a lot like me, I think,” he was saying, “in ways not a lot of people tend to be alike. In fact, I’ve never felt that anyone was so like me and my way of thinking before I met you. It’s true. I can see your ‘fuck the world’ mentality because you wear it like a smoking jacket, for Christ’s sake.”

He shook his head and laughed, a not too unpleasant display of his good looks, sadly the very thing that had attracted her to him in the first place, but not enough upon which to build a meaningful relationship with another person.

“Let’s go out into the water and give the sunset the finger.” He suggested, still laughing a little, but unfortunately, dead serious about the suggestion. He knew how to ruin a good thing, she didn’t deny him that much.

“If you want us to go act like imbeciles, I’m down.” She replied, hoping he would change his mind, but knew it was the last stupid act in which she’d partake with Larry.

The beach had been mildly bustling up until the last half hour. Now, they were alone save a couple strolling lazily along the surf line, the young man kicking wet sand with his toes with nearly every step, his girl elbow-locked to him, gazing admiringly as the sun set behind him.

A real postcard moment, she thought.

She couldn’t wait for them to move far enough along that they were no longer likely to hear her and Larry going about their shenanigans.

A pang of regret hit as she followed Larry down to the water. He wasn’t all that bad. He liked to act stupid, and he was perpetually pontificating about how everyone is just a dream within someone else’s head, or how the universe hated everyone, and was eventually going to suck the whole mess into oblivion a billion light years away, through a black hole or whatever, but he wasn’t the worst guy she’d ever dated. Regardless, their time together was dropping as quickly as the sun, the ocean preparing to eat it for the night. Smaller and smaller.

The doomed couple, as she now considered the two of them, splashed around and made lewd gestures at the last sliver of sun before the darkness enwrapped them and Tanya grew chilly. Tired of the antics, she made her way back to dry land, Larry close on her heels.

The young couple she’d seen walking earlier was long gone. As the tide came in, it erased their footprints, taking with it all traces the two had ever existed. Tanya was happy they were gone.

She was tired and hungry.

She hated to end it with Larry, but she was reluctant to squander any more of her precious time in his company.

“Larry?”

She batted her eyelashes in his direction.

He noticed, and shot her a toothy grin, giving his features a lupine appearance for a moment.

No moon shone above. Though a dazzling array of stars adorned the black heavens, the beach was blanketed with a dead void. Even the barrier dunes, only twenty or thirty yards away, were hard to pick out behind their spot on the sand.

“Yes, Tanya?” Larry asked in return.

“I have something I want to tell you.”

“Okay.” His smile grew even wider this time. In the gloom, it looked as though something had crawled onto his face and stretched out for a nap.

She took a breath and readied herself for the spiel, but he interrupted before she could begin.

“Before you say anything,” he blurted, “I want to tell you something, too.”

He looked away towards the ocean, heard more than seen now, its constant rhythm a surcease for Tanya’s mind as Larry began prattling again.

When he looked at her again, his eyes were moist. She could tell, even if she could barely see his features. “I’ve been thinking about you and me, I guess. You see, I think you and I are great together, Tanya, and I’m ready to ratchet our relationship up to the next level.”

Before she could process this, he added “Move in with me, Tanya.”

Once he said it, she saw him visibly relax, and suddenly realized he’d been rather tense throughout the day. Now she knew why. Though his proclamation was touching, his idea of where the two of them were heading couldn’t have been further from reality.

She felt bad, but she smiled at him anyway. Beamed at him, really. Opened her eyes as wide as she could and positively grinned from ear to ear. In the dark, she wanted to be sure he knew what he was seeing. It was terrible, but she was overcome with the feeling that making him think she was excited about his idea was the right move.

His reaction was nothing short of what she anticipated from him. His posture changed. He swelled with accomplishment, his confidence increasing until he nearly toppled over backward with the magnitude of it.

It was all too much. Tanya erupted with laughter, so contagious Larry found himself swept away in his own giddy excitement, unwittingly misunderstanding the nature of her mirth.

When they both settled down enough to allow for an attempt at communication, Larry’s voice was conspiratorial. “Do you feel like going back in the dunes for a little while?”

Without a second to think about it, she grabbed Larry’s hand and hauled him after her as she took off for the privacy of the dunes.

His hand was warm, damp, and his grip faltered after their momentum took them halfway up the first dune and then flagged, requiring more endurance than he possessed. Before Larry could drop and slide back down the side of the dune, she tugged him, harder than she meant. Her effort jerked his body along behind her. He managed to get his feet back to where they belonged as they crested the barrier dune and descended without pause down the other side into the pitch-black darkness of the valley between the dunes.

The perfect place to enjoy some privacy, she thought.

Out of breath from exertion, Larry bent over to grab his knees, trying to get his wind back. Tanya came up close to him, rubbing his back for a moment to show solidarity. Soon enough, Larry was himself again. As soon as he was fully composed he began the act of losing his composure again. His hands fumbled at her swimming top, and one of his knees worked her legs apart enough to position itself between them.

Tanya gently grabbed Larry’s chin and pulled his face close to hers, until their noses were kissing. “Larry, you’re perfect for me,” she whispered.

His eagerness was all too evident. He nodded enthusiastically before going in for a kiss. She allowed his mouth to do its thing the first time. He tried again and she held up one of her hands to halt him. “Easy, big fella.”

He backed off and through the murk she felt him staring impatiently at her. “I wasn’t finished, Larry. I said you’re perfect for me, and I meant it. In this moment, we live in the same space and time. We are one, Larry. Can you feel that? Isn’t it beautiful?”

He was growing ever more restless, and demonstrated that fact by placing a hand on her breast, massaging it roughly. He was getting overheated.

She decided that she had to do what was required of her now. Damn, it was bittersweet, ending things.

“Larry,” she said, “I want to devour your heart and mind with my love. Do you want my love to devour you?”

“Yes!” He was emphatic.

“Good. I never thought this would go any further than here, but this is perfect. Don’t you think?”

“What are you talking about?” His tone was pleasant, but she sensed irritation. He was absolutely sweating sexual tension. It was intoxicating.

“This place, silly. I love it here. It’s perfect for this. I mean, for what’s about to go down.”

He grinned, and his tone was lascivious when he replied. “And please do tell me what, or who, is about to go down around here. You or me first?”

With a practiced twitch of her neck muscles, and the aid of a sultry moan, she unhinged her jaws. “I’m breaking up with you, Larry,” she said.

“Okay, whatever, get your ass over here.” he chuckled. Then he made his move, grabbing her, drawing her into him, wrapping his arms around her with a smothering embrace.

Damn, she thought. Guy’s trying to fucking absorb me.

The way he’d positioned her couldn’t have been better. Larry was about six inches shorter than Tanya, and his cranium was almost perfectly aligned with her chin.

“It isn’t you, it’s me,” she moaned in his ear, pushing his head down ever so slightly, correcting the angle. She opened her mouth to its full capacity, revealing her special teeth as she took the first bite. It perfectly removed the top of Larry’s skull, leaving his warm brain shockingly exposed, but intact.

She held Larry up at arm’s length from her, and appraised him. His face was drawn, gaunt, mouth working like it was filled with words so devastating that their very utterance would shift the planet on its axis. Suddenly, his face was sheeted in crimson as his heart pumped with deadly force in that dark valley. The blood that had circulated for so long within Larry’s body was now set free to flow where it would, to soak into the sand and evaporate. Though not easy to make out in the dim light, the look of horror etched onto Larry’s drawn face was one she would remember for years to come, one of the best she’d ever created.

She pitied him in that moment, though he warranted none and the moment passed quickly enough. He was the lucky one, after all. The dating scene was a nightmare, and he was better off removed from its unrelenting repetitiveness. At any rate, he wasn’t very good at it.

Had he really thought she’d move in with him after a handful of dates? That kind of move was never going to work, and if it ever did, the poor desperate girl who fell for it would end up miserable.

Larry’s mouth finally stopped moving, and she shook herself free from her reverie to get down to business. She needed to hurry, so Larry wouldn’t get cold before she consumed him.

An hour later, Tanya emerged from the darkness of the dunes, walked back to her car and drove the five miles to her apartment. Although relatively clean after taking a second dip in the ocean, she was still salty and needed a shower. She was exhausted, lethargic, but utterly fulfilled. Larry may not have been the best boyfriend, but he made an incredible meal.

Later in bed, she turned on her cell phone and a voice mail notification pinged. It was Todd Reynolds, calling about their upcoming date. He wondered how she felt about taking a stroll on the beach after the restaurant. The weather this weekend was supposed to be perfect.

Tanya thought about the valley of the dunes and smiled. Despite how engorged she currently was, she felt herself getting hungry again already.