15

Avery took the steps up to her parents’ front porch two at a time, savoring the myriad of feelings she thought she’d lost forever. If she didn’t know better, she’d swear she was floating on air. The hum of the katydid’s song buzzed through her thoughts. He loves me, he loves me not . . .

She paused at the top step and breathed in her mother’s sweet-smelling jasmine. Giving herself permission to feel again wasn’t easy. Finding someone she wanted to take that risk with was even harder. She didn’t know if in the end Jackson would be that one, but what she did know was that she couldn’t help but wonder if he was thinking about her right now. Wondering if his thoughts of the case had been smothered like hers by these crazy emotions. And if he felt the same way about the long, breathless kiss they’d just shared in the parking lot. Jackson might be a huge distraction, but for the moment she didn’t care.

She stood in front of the etched-glass front door, the amber glow of the inside lights punctuating the darkness, and smiled. After Ethan’s death, her mother had insisted she and Tess move back home, but she in turn had insisted on staying in her own house, knowing if she didn’t strike out on her own she wouldn’t have been able to completely recover from her loss. In the end, she’d never regretted her choice. The compromise to her mother had been for Avery and Tess to come to family dinner once or twice a week. But for herself, knowing she could make it on her own had been an important step to finding her place in the world. And now she’d just taken another step forward.

Movement on the other end of the porch caught her eye as she twisted the door handle. She squinted in the darkness, noticing for the first time the familiar squeak of the two-seater swing. “Mom? What are you doing out here?”

“Nothing, I just . . . It’s a beautiful night.”

“Yes, it is.” If you ignored the humidity and mosquitoes. Her mother hated both.

“How was your date?”

“It wasn’t a date, Mom. It was work. Jackson and I were discussing details about my case.”

Avery bridged the distance between them. She wasn’t ready to tell anyone she’d agreed to go out with Jackson again. Or that she was afraid she’d completely lost her heart after that kiss. A smile teased the edges of her lips again. It was a feeling she needed to explore on her own.

She smiled, hoping her mother didn’t notice the flush she knew lingered on her face. “I just came to pick up Tess. I’m sorry it’s so late.”

“It’s fine. You know we love her being here. She’s inside playing chess with your father.”

“Mama?” Avery sat down on the wooden swing and let her heels rock back and forth. “You’ve been crying.”

“It’s nothing.” She turned her head away, letting the shadows envelope her face. “I just needed some fresh air.”

“Maybe, but something’s wrong.” Avery took her mother’s hand, unconvinced. The last time she’d seen her mother cry had been at Michael’s funeral. “What is it?”

She noticed the framed photo lying in her mother’s lap. She closed her eyes and slouched against the back of the swing. The rhythmic squeak of the hinges creaked above her. How could she have been so foolish? She’d imagined Mama would cherish the photo, but it had only ended up hurting her. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you. I knew you were looking for a good picture of Dad and when I found this one . . . I knew you wanted Michael to be there. At the time it seemed perfect.”

“It’s not that. The picture is perfect.” Mama ran her finger across the image of Michael and smiled. “I’d forgotten about this photo, but I remember the day. Your father had just been made captain. We were all so proud of him, but Michael especially. He took us out to dinner at that Chinese restaurant to celebrate.”

“Ming Chang’s.”

“Yes. Your brother loved that restaurant. Always insisted that we order half a dozen different dishes and share them.”

“And use chopsticks.”

“I never did get used to those ridiculous contraptions.” Her soft laugh competed with the sounds of chirping bugs that filled the humid air. “That night was significant to me in many ways.”

“How?”

“I was proud of your father, for one. Making captain was a huge step in his career, and one he’d reached toward for a number of years. But it was more than that. It was also seeing Michael all grown up after all we’d been through. It was a miracle to me.”

“Michael could be a challenge when he was younger.”

“That’s putting it mildly.”

Avery smiled at the sound of laughter in her mama’s voice. It had been so long.

“There were days while he was in high school that I honestly didn’t think any of us would survive. He was always trying to push the boundaries, trying something new and often foolish. He nearly drove your father and me crazy. And yet in the end—thanks to the good Lord—he managed to harness all that teenage rebellion and anger and make something out of himself.”

Avery reached for her mother’s hand and clasped it. “He was a good cop. A good man.”

“I still miss him so much. I wake up in the mornings, and sometimes, for a split second, I forget he’s gone. Then it hits me that it wasn’t a dream. That he’s gone, and he’s not coming back. It happens over and over, this deep ache inside me that won’t go away no matter what I do.”

“Loss is never easy, Mama. It takes time to heal.”

Her mother looked up and caught Avery’s gaze. “I know I’m not myself. I know it’s not fair to you or your father. To Emily and Tess. I just don’t know how to get rid of the emptiness that consumes me. It’s as if a part of me died, and I don’t know how to live again. Sometimes I’m not even sure I want to live again.”

“Sometimes . . .” Avery hesitated. How long had it been since her mother had opened up to her? “Sometimes I feel as if I lost you when Michael died. We all want to help you through this. You have to believe that. We love you.”

“It just hurts so much.”

“We all hurt. We all miss Michael.”

“It wasn’t supposed to happen this way. Children aren’t supposed to die before their parents do.”

“And women aren’t supposed to be widows at twenty-nine. But we can’t change any of that. Death is a part of life whether we’re ready for it or not.”

Avery’s memories surfaced, and with them her own sharp feelings of loss. Three years had helped to numb the pain, but its sting had never completely vanished. Sometimes, when she least expected it, the wounds of losing Ethan reappeared like it was only yesterday when she first heard the news.

I’m sorry to inform you, Mrs. North . . . there’s been an accident . . . Your husband is dead . . . his car flipped . . .

“You still miss Ethan, don’t you?”

“I always will.”

“Oh, Avery. Sometimes I forget how much you’ve gone through. Losing Ethan, having to raise Tess as a single mom, working full-time. I don’t know how you do it.”

“I’ve had a lot of help.”

Her mom wiped at the ring of mascara under her eyes. “If only your father could see me now.”

“Daddy loves you.”

“I know. I don’t deserve him.” She shook her head. “He . . . he wants me to make an appointment with the counselor at church.”

“You didn’t tell me that.”

“I haven’t gone. Claire Hunt isn’t supposed to need counseling.” She waved her hand toward the house. “I’ve worked my whole life to make sure I have the perfect house, the perfect family . . . the perfect life. Stepping into a counselor’s office would be admitting I’ve failed.”

“No one has the perfect life. No one can avoid hurt. All we can do is take things one day at a time, and if we need a little help in the process, then what’s wrong with that?”

Her mother shook her head. “How did you deal with Ethan’s death? How did you come to the point where you wanted to go on with your life again?”

“I had Tess, which meant I didn’t have a choice other than to get up every day and do what I had to do. I had to work, cook, create some sense of normality in a world that had shattered into a million pieces. It’s just in the past year, though, that I’ve started giving myself permission to live and be happy again.”

Memories of Ethan surfaced as she continued sharing. “I remember lying on my bed at night and reading from the Psalms over and over, trying to find some reason to keep going. ‘When I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me . . .’ God has never left you. Neither have any of us. And a few weeks of counseling can’t hurt. I went.”

“I’d forgotten that.” Mama pressed the picture against her chest. “I’m afraid to start feeling again. I just . . . I don’t think I can.”

“One day at a time, Mama.”

Her mother nudged Avery with her elbow. “How did you get to be so wise? It seems like yesterday that you were Tess’s age. Full of questions. Then there were the boys who started hanging around. I didn’t think your father would let you out the door, until eventually Ethan came and swept you away. You made a good choice. And I know that if you do find love again, Ethan would be proud of you. I’m proud of you.”

“Thanks, Mama.”

“What about that Jackson? Don’t tell me there’s not a glow in your eyes after seeing him tonight.”

“I like him—a lot—but I guess we’ll all have to wait and see how it turns out.”

Avery laid her head on her mother’s shoulder and felt a peace spread over her she hadn’t felt for a long time. She had her mother back. If only for the moment.