By the summer of 2004, my relationship with Michelle had come to a crossroads. We’d been together for almost four years and had been living together for more than two. The main point of contention in our relationship had to do with our future (i.e., when and if we were going to get married). Michelle was just about to turn 34 and I was 31.
We talked about our future quite a bit—she really wanted to get married and start a family. While I, too, wanted those things, I didn’t feel that I was ready yet. During our conversations, we both did a pretty good job of listening to one another and being as compassionate as possible, but, in our lower moments, it would get sticky, painful, and sometimes even ugly. Michelle would start to push and I would start to pull away—a classic, stereotypical male/female dynamic in relationships, particularly related to commitment.
I knew that if I chose to marry Michelle because I felt pressured by her or our friends, or even because “it was time,” we’d been together long enough, and we were at the right age, I’d resent myself or her, and it wouldn’t work. And, while I was aware of some of my own fears and doubts about the idea of getting married—to Michelle and in general—I hadn’t really looked at or owned some of the deeper issues that were getting in my way.
In the middle of that summer, she and I went down to San Diego to participate in a three-day workshop called “The Shadow Process,” delivered by the late author and teacher Debbie Ford. We were both big fans of Debbie’s work and had heard great things about this program. The Shadow Process is all about coming face-to-face with our “shadow”—all the parts of ourselves that we’ve tried to hide or deny, the parts we believe are not acceptable to our family, friends, and, most important, us. Our shadow is also made up of everything that annoys, horrifies, or disgusts us about other people or about ourselves. In the workshop, we were given the opportunity to both confront and make peace with various aspects of our “dark” side, as a way to liberate us from our fear, judgment, and denial.
I loved it! It was intense, of course, but absolutely transformational. Given what was going on between Michelle and me, I related everything I was learning and experiencing in the workshop to our relationship. Initially, I found myself focusing on all the reasons why I thought we shouldn’t get married—and why it seemed like I couldn’t fully trust Michelle. I had had trust issues for much of my life—growing up with a single mom, without a lot of money, and in Oakland had forced me to become “street smart” and to have to rely on myself in many ways. In my case, this involved not trusting people easily. I spent a lot of time and energy waiting for people to disappoint me, let me down, and leave. I prided myself on not being needy or dependent, which was how I often justified not being intimate or vulnerable.
As I started to look more deeply, beyond some of the drama from my past, and get more in touch with how I was actually feeling, I realized that my trust issues had nothing to do with Michelle. What I realized for the very first time in my life was that I didn’t trust myself.
I was terrified to get married and was worried that if we did I would ruin our relationship, her life, and the lives of the kids we might have. I thought, What if I fail, cheat on her, hurt her, hurt our kids, get depressed again, lose interest, don’t have what it takes, end up being a total loser as a husband and father, or die? All of these things seemed horrible, which is why I’d been denying them. I realized I was avoiding them unconsciously or hoping they would just go away so I would be “ready” to get married.
Realizing this was quite painful and humbling at first—but ultimately it was liberating. I knew that running from these fears or pretending they didn’t exist wouldn’t work. I needed to own them if I was ultimately going to transform them. As vulnerable and scared as I felt to admit these things, I sat down with Michelle and shared them all with her. She wasn’t upset; in fact, she was grateful I was willing to be so open. We had a series of wonderfully authentic and heartfelt conversations that weekend about our relationship, the future, and the fears that we both felt.
The most important moment of the workshop for me happened on the final day. I asked myself a simple but important question: If I trusted myself fully, what would I do? The answer was clear and obvious—I would ask Michelle to marry me. Three weeks later, I proposed. She said yes and the following summer we got married!
Trusting ourselves doesn’t mean that we won’t get scared, have doubts, or make mistakes—all of which are inevitable in life. Trust is a choice we make in the moment. It is choosing to empower our belief in ourselves over our fears of what might go wrong. It’s not about avoiding or denying our fears, it’s about having faith in something that is bigger and more powerful than fear: us.
It’s understandable that many of us struggle to trust ourselves, especially at certain times, in certain situations, and with certain people. We tend to remember the times we’ve failed, made mistakes, or done things that in hindsight we judge as unworthy of trust. However, self-trust is, like most things in life, a present-moment phenomenon. As soon as we reach back into the past to determine if we’re worthy of trust or capable of trusting ourselves, we give away our power.
Self-trust is a lifelong journey and something we continue to grow into as we evolve. For some of us, it’s easier than for others. It’s important for us to be mindful and compassionate with ourselves in regard to self-trust. I’m grateful to see my own capacity for self-trust continue to expand, especially in the past few years. And, I’m also aware that there are times that it’s extremely challenging for me to trust myself. Eleanor said something to me in a session we had a while back that resonated with me about this. She said, “Mike, you actually do trust yourself quite a bit, you just don’t think it’s safe to trust yourself, so you end up second-guessing yourself a lot.”
However easy or difficult it is for you to trust yourself, remember that listening to your inner wisdom, trusting your own instincts, and relying on yourself in a healthy way to make decisions in your life are the best things you can do to liberate yourself from unnecessary fear and stress, and to empower yourself in every aspect of your life.