Poppy is better at getting a life than I am. He just got a job. Part-time. Mornings. At the rec center. Watching preschool kids. I thought only ladies did that stuff.
He gave me a key to the house so I can still go over in the mornings when I want.
I sat in the house alone today. In the new easy chair. The new TV was right in front of me but I didn’t turn it on. I stared at the deck of cards in the middle of the table. I was feeling lonely, but not because I was alone. I feel lonely even when there’s people around.
When Poppy came home from work we had lunch together. Then we played poker. Long ago I cleaned him out of beetles. Now our money is pistachio nuts. He lets me cheat all I want, but it’s hardly fun anymore. It’s getting harder and harder for even Poppy to make me happy. As much as I love my grandpa, he can’t replace my twin brother.
Things that never used to be questions are questions now.
What is Jake doing?
What’s he thinking?
How is he feeling?
What’s he writing in the journal today?
The answers keep hitting me like a smack in the face.
I don’t know!
I don’t know!
I’m dreading our birthday. It’s coming up soon. I’m scared it’s going to be different. I’m scared we won’t meet at the train station that night. That’s going to be the test. That’s going to be the final answer. I know it and I’m terrified it’s going to be the wrong answer. Because in spite of everything that’s happened, in spite of the way I talk and the way I feel, there’s still a little crumb of hope somewhere inside me. A little crumb that whispers: Hey, if he shows up at the station, then you’re still cool, it’s not so bad after all. But if he doesn’t show up, it will mean our goombla is gone. Totally. Fssst. It will mean I’m right. But I don’t want to be right. I want to be wrong. I’m terrified.
And I’m lost.
For the first time in my life I feel lost. I wasn’t lost that day at the beach. Not this Neverlost Twin. Last year you could have dropped me in the middle of the Amazon jungle and I wouldn’t have been lost. But I am now.
I’m lonely and I’m scared and I’m lost.