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TEN YEARS LATER...
She grasped for the hand that extended towards her and felt nothing but air as she missed it by a fraction of an inch. She felt herself falling...falling...falling. The icy waters hit her and knocked the breath out of her. As she felt the needlelike pinpricks of the water stab her skin, she struggled frantically. She kicked and pulled at the water as she tried desperately to reach the surface. Suddenly, a blinding pain seared through the back of her head and she sank slowly. Paralyzed, she could see the dim light above her start to fade and then there was nothing but darkness...
Teagan McKenna felt the cool leather of the black psychiatrist chair under her. Her fingers digging in, she twitched with shame. She was afraid to open her eyes; she was afraid of what she might have divulged during this hypnotic session. She always blacked out during her sessions and always woke up groggy and disoriented. Usually, she woke up screaming with Dr. Camden standing over her, holding a glass of lukewarm water and a composed yet completely impersonal look upon his face that made her feel as if he could see into her very soul.
Fractured. That’s what she was.
Shivering, she blinked, opened her eyes, and stared up into their aqua depths as she looked at the mirror hanging on the ceiling above the chaise. She mused at why the doctor kept a mirror above his clients. Intimidation factor? Probably. She shook her head. Whatever the reason, it was kind of creepy. She sat up and pushed thoughts of the mirror out of her mind. This time she was determined to speak to Dr. Camden as if she were certified sane.
“Well, Teagan, I do believe we’re making progress,” he spoke in his usual monotone voice.
She wanted to roll her eyes but resisted the urge, remembering she wasn’t a teenager any longer, and nodded instead. Progress means no more dreams. She’d been coming to this doctor since childhood. Years ago, he’d given her a few clinical diagnoses. The Doc seemed to believe her fears manifested themselves in dream form. She wasn’t buying it. She could swim in an ocean and climb trees. She wasn’t scared of water or heights. Doc trying to rationalize her problems and drug them away was crap. Total BS. What she needed was legit answers. The dreams were too real. It was like remembering fragments of her past, only it wasn’t her past. It couldn’t be. The problem was no one could know, especially not the doc.
She squirmed in the chair, the leather making a dreadful noise like the release of a bodily function, and she eyed him. She’d always believed she was the woman drowning in her dreams. That was how she’d go. One day she’d be alive, and the next day she’d be thrown from a cliff and drown. She truly believed it. She’d kept that bit to herself for as long as she could remember, but always made sure to stay well away from cliffs. Besides, how do you tell someone you know how you’re going to die without sounding crazy?
Maybe she really was crazy, but some things in her dreams just didn’t add up. The clothing, the weapons, the man without a face. Did the dreams belong to someone else? Someone haunting her, perhaps? The “Voice” she heard in her head and had for years. At any rate, Teagan was lucky Dr. Cam hadn’t decided to commit her again. It was bad enough at the Alternative Care House for Wayward Girls these last six months. A place dedicated to babysitting female teens and young woman on the edge of mental breakdown, with borderline psych problems and not enough insurance to cover full extended stay treatments. Dr. Cam said it was a new form of treatment they were experimenting with. Teagan shrugged, at least she had a friend there.
Her eyes narrowed, though, as she looked at her phycologist and wondered what he was thinking. What he was keeping from her. He stepped behind his desk to jot some notes, and she couldn’t suppress the sigh that escaped.
There was a time when the dreams had been easier to ignore, after the voice from her childhood had gone quiet and the visits from the pretty woman had stopped. For ten years, the voice inside of her had been silent; the voice had slept. For ten years, she’d pretended she was almost normal. Now, she was afraid that time was over.
Teagan winced and swallowed. Lost in thought, she’d almost forgotten the doctor was still observing her. He was always watching. She looked away from him, hiding her face, afraid of giving away what she was thinking somehow.
There were new dreams now. Dreams that worried her. With them, there were longings for a man she knew was real only in her dreams. But she didn’t care. They felt so real. He felt so real. The man standing in front of the window, from her childhood, she saw him night after night. Sometimes, he would look at her and sometimes he wouldn’t, but he was always sad. She was drawn to him, convinced he was real – this enigma from her dream world– and the only one who knew was her best friend Cali, the only girl her age who lived at the house with her. Then, there was the faceless man. No matter how hard she tried, she could never see his face. He wasn’t menacing or scary, just mysterious.
“Well, the session is over, Teagan. I’ll be seeing you next week. Same time?” He dismissed her with his question without even looking up from his papers. An uncanny talent.
“Sure, Doc, same time,” she said, sounding disheartened as she got up.
“I told you, just Cam will do,” Doc said, and he did look up then.
His eyes flashed full black for the briefest of seconds. She jumped backwards, wondering if her mind was playing tricks on her and rubbed at her eyes. Coming around the desk to stand in front of her, he leaned down, his face so close to hers that she could smell his cheap aftershave and the remnants of a peppermint candy, that, judging by the round lump inside his cheek, still remained tucked into the side of his mouth.
“Remember what happens if you don’t show up?”
She swallowed and nodded.
Yah, she remembered all right. The one time she’d flaked on an appointment, she’d had all privileges revoked. She couldn’t leave the house without an escort, and if she did, it was back to the nut house, where they locked you in a room and drugged you until you forgot your own name. No thanks, she’d take the stupid appointment and the semi-freedom of coming and going with reporting and the occasional escort.
“I’ll be here, doc.” She slid off the chair and moved away from him.
“Cam.”
“Yep. I’ll be here. See ya.”
Pulling the heavy metal door to his office open, she let out the breath she’d been holding. Once outside, she leaned against the wall, breathing hard, as the door slammed loudly behind her then bounced back open, leaving a tiny crack. What would life be like if she’d never told anyone what she’d seen or thought all those years ago? She wasn’t crazy. Her hands fisted at her sides, squeezed into tight balls. Her mom and dad had yelled. A lot. And then he’d left her. She double-punched the wall behind her and pushed off it with her foot, aiming to go, but the sound of multiple voices from inside the doctor’s office stopped her. Had someone else been in there while she was in session? That was a violation. What the hell was going on? One hand on the door handle, ready to go in and raise some hell, Teagan paused when she heard their words.
“I’m telling you, she’s not ready yet.” Dr. Camden said.
“And I’m telling you, I am not in the mood to wait any longer.” A new voice, one she didn’t recognize.
“I mean, short of committing her again and drugging her, there’s nothing I can do to force it. She’s getting closer every time I put her under, but she’s just not there yet.”
“What do you need to move forward? To commit her?”
A long pause followed. Teagan could feel her heart pounding out of her chest as she waited for her doctor to answer. Surely, they weren’t talking about her.
“She’d have to mess up. Something big.”
“Like?”
“I don’t know, miss a session, get caught stealing, sneaking out of the home late at night, have an episode. There’s any number of things. We run a strict girl’s home.” Her doctor sounded doubtful. Of what, she wasn’t sure.
“Yes, yes, I’m sure you do-” Suddenly, the door gave beneath her hand, groaning, and Teagan froze in terror.
“What was that?”
“I assure you, we’re alone,” Dr. Cam said.
Footsteps shuffled toward the door, and Teagan turned and ran. She ran blindly, not bothering to watch where she was going, churning their words over and over in her mind as her feet moved swiftly, carrying her to safety. Who was the other man with her psychologist? What were they planning? It sounded like they wanted to frame her for something. Why did they need her committed? Maybe she was being stupid, and they weren’t even talking about her. An old lady stepped in front of her, and Teagan almost knocked her over in her haste.
“Sorry,” she panted, without slowing.
“Slow down,” the old woman yelled back.
But Teagan ran as if her life depended on it, and maybe it did.
***
THE BUZZING IN HER back pocket was the first thing she noticed. Then it was the cool dampness of the concrete ground that seeped through her pants, and finally, the rancid smell of three-day-old trash. She ran her hand through her hair and immediately regretting doing it, her arm heavy, her memories fractured. The phone buzzed again. Grabbing it, she brought it to her ear.
“Teagan?” Cali said.
“Yah.”
“Where are you? It’s almost curfew.”
“I don’t know.” She looked around, not finding anything in the alley with distinguishing features.
“Well, get your ass home. I’ll stall as long as I can for you. I unlocked your window.”
“Right.” Groggy, she fought for clarity. “Okay. I’ll be there as soon as I can. Thanks, Cali.”
“No prob. I got your back, girl. Just get here, like now.”
Teagan hung the phone up and tucked it back into her pocket. It looked like she’d blacked out, again. Moving to get up, she braced her hand on the brick wall behind her and let out a hiss, drawing back immediately like the wall had burned her. She looked down at her flame red hand then back at the wall. Nothing seemed out of the ordinary. She shrugged. A mystery for another time, perhaps. Right now, she needed to get home. Out on the main street, in the midst of the crowd that milled around in front of the busiest night club in the city, she caught her bearings and started running. She couldn’t give them what they wanted - her doc and the strange man. And she couldn’t get caught breaking curfew.