CHAPTER FOURTEEN

The Pizza Pyramid

“Why didn’t you just stop Vlactron back then?” Luno asked angrily.

“You dunt understant,” Roog said, uncharacteristically sheepish. “I juzt could not.”

“Tell your dad, Luno!” Chooch pleaded. “He’ll know what to do!”

Roog nervously peeked around the corner of the greenhouse to make sure Luno’s parents were still busy shutting the kitchen down for the night.

“For the hundredth time, Chooch,” said Luno, “I have to do this without Mom’s or Dad’s help. They have enough to deal with just trying to keep the pizzeria going.”

“Shouldn’t you tell them about going back in time?” Chooch asked.

“Are you kidding?” Luno asked. “Mom was unhappy just letting me travel to another planet—what do you think she would do if she found out I traveled to another time?”

“But, Luno,” said Chooch.

“Dad said Zorgoochi Intergalactic Pizza needed me to be grown up and responsible now,” Luno said evenly. “I can’t let him down.”

“Luno ees right,” said Roog. “He must prove to fazzer he can take over bizness.”

“The intelligent approach would be to use the proton collider to return to the past,” said Clive. “And stop Vlactron before he acquires power.”

“Don’t you think I already tried to go back again?” Luno snapped. “All I did was make a twelve-foot-deep pizza. I fell in and couldn’t get out for an hour.”

Luno racked his brain for a hint, a clue, anything as to where Solaro could’ve hidden the Golden Anchovy. It could be anywhere in the galaxy for all he knew: high on a mountain peak on a planet in the Nuga System? On an altar in an ancient temple on a planet in the Capellini Nebula? Floating somewhere in the Straciatella Quasar? Maybe buried somewhere on planet Earth? But, no, it was destroyed centuries ago.

As a wave of hopelessness washed over him, Luno slid down the wall and sat on the ground with his head in his hands.

How can stupid little me defeat the biggest, most powerful alien in the galaxy?

Even with Chooch’s kind words of encouragement, Clive’s logical inquiries, and Roog’s gruff coaxing, Luno still couldn’t imagine where his great-great-great-great-great-grandfather had hidden the Golden Anchovy. Before he banged the back of his head against the greenhouse almost enough times to shatter the glass, he heard his father shout.

“Luno! Get me outta here!”

His father had found the deep-dish pizza.

Luno sighed, pulled himself to his feet, and trudged back to the kitchen.

After he helped his dad climb out, disposed of a hundred pounds of pizza, and finished mopping up, it was closing time.

Geo walked up to Luno and took the mop out of his hand.

“Listen, Luno,” Geo said, giving Luno’s shoulder a squeeze, “I know it must be kind of hard on you making deliveries all over the galaxy when you never even left the planet before and I just wanted to say thanks.”

“But the deep-dish pizza…” Luno started.

“Ah, don’t worry about that.” Geo patted Luno. “I once accidentally disintegrated my father and had to put him back together one molecule at a time.”

Luno looked down at the floor, but Geo lifted Luno’s chin with his calloused finger and looked him in the eye.

“I wanted to wait a few years,” Geo said, “but it’s time you joined.”

“Joined what?” asked Luno.

His father looked around, then solemnly whispered, “The Pizza Pyramid.”

Even though Luno had no idea what it was, he knew it had to be something important. He swallowed hard as his father led him into the walk-in freezer. They passed the frosty tubs of sauce, Pepperonisaurus tails hanging on hooks, and stacks of frozen pizzas. They came to the back wall and Geo pressed what Luno assumed, if he ever thought about them, were rivets.

A secret door popped open.

Luno cautiously stepped into a dark, cavernous room behind his father, who flipped on the lights. He gasped as a line of holo-portraits of the Zorgoochi ancestors flickered along the wall. The last was of his father, and beside it was room for a few more. There was even a small plaque, which read “Illuminato Salvatronic Zorgoochi,” Luno’s full name, all ready for his portrait when its time came. He had to read it a few times before it sunk in.

Fear and excitement pulled him across the red-and-white-tiled floor to a giant symbol of a slice of pizza with an eye in the center staring down at him, with the words PAX • AMORIS • PIZZA inscribed around it. The plaque hung on the wall over the far end of a long table with chairs around it.

Luno moved past a huge golden pizza cutter mounted on the wall engraved with the same pizza symbol with the eye in the center. There was also a rolling pin made from a Gragnick tusk engraved with a weird pattern, and a bunch of complicated cooking devices—all most likely created by his crazy genius ancestors.

There was a shelf crammed with trophies: the Galactic Pizza Award for the Hottest Pizza, But Not Too Hot It Burned the Roof of Your Mouth; Most Successful Deliveries to Hostile Solar Systems; Most Durable Box Under Zero-G Conditions; and Geo’s seventh-grade Science Fair Award for a pneumatic olive pitter. Prominently displayed was Luno’s Smelling Bee Award. He had always wondered what happened to it.

Luno read a framed news article about how Zorgoochi Intergalactic Pizza rescued a planet from starvation and one about Luno’s great-great-great-uncle Tempo’s mysterious disappearance. There were covers of various industry journals like Plutonian Pizza Journal, Galactic Pizza Weekly, and The Interstellar Pizza Maker’s News and Report, all with his esteemed ancestors on the covers. There was also a holo-photo of Luno’s grandfather Pomodoro holding a pizza while shaking hands with the galaxy’s first robot president, George Washingtron, and the vice president, John Quincy Android.

Luno’s eyes were agog with commendations, ceremonial keys to planets, handwritten letters of gratitude, holo-photos of shrines, and statues of his ancestors.

Walking up from behind, Luno’s father placed a hat on his son’s head, which slid down over his eyes. Luno pushed it up and in the reflection of the glass cabinet he could see it was in the shape of a slice of pizza with the big eye in the center, just like the symbol hanging on the wall.

“This was your great-grandfather Forza’s,” Geo said, straightening it, then straightening his own. “So take good care of it.”

Geo put an arm around Luno’s shoulder and they proudly scanned the room together.

“Someday it’ll be your turn to carry on Solaro’s good work and look after Zorgoochi Intergalactic Pizza,” said Luno’s father. “That is, if it’s still around.”

He heaved a weary sigh. He sat Luno down and looked him in the eye.

“Now I don’t want to upset you, son, but those stories I used to tell you when you were a little boy,” he said evenly, “the Golden Anchovy, Vlactron, the works. Well, it’s all real.”

Luno didn’t have the heart to tell his father he already knew. And, anyway, today was actually kind of a slow day. Considering he had been shot at, almost nibbled to death by tiny creatures, escaped being eaten by giant mushrooms, traveled through a wormhole, saved a planet, and went back in time, discovering the far-out stories his father used to tell him were actually true was small potatoes by comparison.

“I know I told you when you got older that I made it all up, because your mother…”

There was a knock at the freezer’s secret back door.

Geo rushed over and knocked a response. Then came another series of knocks. Satisfied, he opened the door and in streamed a group of men and women, all wearing the same pizza hats, followed by wide-eyed kids about Luno’s age, also sporting the hats.

 The adults reverently greeted Luno’s father with “Pax, Amoris, Pizza,” followed by a twisting wrist gesture, Luno figured represented tossing pizza dough.

“So you’re Luno Zorgoochi,” a chubby, curly haired boy said, approaching Luno, followed by the other kids, who all gathered around. “Thanks for leading us out of that cloudbank and back onto the spaceway. That was pretty brave.”

The chubby boy introduced himself as Tony Galattico, heir to Proton Pizza in the Capellini Nebula. Then Luno met Concetta Cosmo, whose father owned Uncle Cosmo’s, Frankie Boy Fazul Jr., whose parents owned Famous Fazul’s, as well as several other successors to their family’s pizzerias. He also met a somewhat dazed-looking girl named Zoola Zeta, whose parents owned di Mension Pizza and who appeared even more overwhelmed by the whole thing than Luno did.

Luno suddenly realized that they all thought of him as some kind of hero or the assumed leader of this group of the next generation of galactic pizza. Before Luno could set the record straight, the meeting was called to order.

The galactic pizza luminaries all took places around the long table with their children by their sides. Geo stood at the head and motioned for Luno to sit at his right.

Not only did he just find out about this secret pizza organization, but Luno realized his father was the head of it.

In unison, the adults launched into the Pizza Pyramid Pledge:

“We solemnly swear to make the best pizza, use only the freshest ingredients, and be a beacon of what is good and wholesome in the galaxy. Pax, Amoris, Pizza!”

After welcoming the Pyramid’s newest members, Geo stood up and addressed the group.

“The reason for this emergency meeting is that the Mezzaluna Galaxy is heading toward a major pizza crisis of epic proportions!” Geo announced. “Not only is Vlactron attempting to destroy all of our pizzerias, but our esteemed member, Anthony Galattico, owner of Proton Pizza, has informed me that Vlactron is now trying to take control of all pizza ingredients, too! If he succeeds, the only pizza in the galaxy will be Quantum.”

Mr. Galattico then stood and delivered a status report, declaring that most of the members of the Pizza Pyramid managed to safely elude Quantum’s deadly delivery ships, however some weren’t so lucky. He sadly listed the Pizza Pyramid’s fallen members: Sal Zone of Stella Pizza and Calzones, Loo-E.G., the longtime autopilot delivery robot from Mama Andromeda’s, and Phoebe Deimos from Apo Gino’s.

“My son, Anthony Jr., tells me that Geo’s son, Luno, heroically led several of the Pyramid’s delivery ships to safety.” Mr. Galattico smiled and patted Luno on the back, which was met with a round of applause.

“Why didn’t you tell me about that?” Geo asked Luno, beaming with pride, but then his expression switched to concern. “Don’t tell your mother.”

“I—um,” Luno muttered, his face bright red.

Mrs. Fazul stood up and said, “I know we all need to prepare our children to one day take over our pizzerias, but it’s getting entirely too dangerous! I refuse to send my baby out there again!”

She sat down and sobbed. Mr. Fazul put his arm around her.

“Geo, my family’s been a member of the Pizza Pyramid for generations,” Mr. Fazul said. “Heck, my ancestors fought in the Great Pizza War, but enough is enough! I can’t risk Frankie Boy’s safety anymore.”

“Fazul is right!” shouted Uncle Cosmo. “Quantum Pizza is killing my business and I don’t wanna wait around for it to kill my family. We’re shutting down our pizzeria!”

The meeting erupted into angry shouts and table pounding as Luno and the rest of the kids sat silently, eyes darting to one another. He noticed that Zoola Zeta seemed more concerned about keeping her Pizza Pyramid hat on straight than preventing Vlactron from destroying the last stronghold real pizza had in the galaxy.

Crash! Smash!

Wood, plaster, and support beams suddenly rained down as the ceiling gave way. Luno and a few of the kids scrambled under the table while the rest crowded the doorway back to the walk-in freezer.

“What’s happening?” Concetta Cosmo shouted at Luno over the din, as the kids looked to him for an answer.

Luno gulped hard, then peeked up from under the table. He could see through the jagged hole in the ceiling straight up to the night sky where a Quantum ship was hovering. Its side doors opened and several ropes descended. Luno gasped as he watched what looked like large onion-shaped robots climb out and slide down the ropes.

“Take my hand!” Luno shouted over the chaos, reaching out to Zoola, who obediently grabbed hold and then took someone else’s with her other hand.

Luno pulled the line of kids along, navigating his way through falling debris, screaming people, and a thick cloud of plaster dust. As he finally located the secret back door to the freezer, he heard the robo-onions touch down and then felt a sharp spray of liquid on the back of his neck with the unmistakable odor: onion juice! As he pushed the kids out the door to safety, his nose filled with the acrid odor, then his eyes burned and teared up uncontrollably.

Luno made sure every kid was safely out of the room and through the freezer, then pulled a few adults out as well. He squinted through his tears and the cloud of dust for his father, but a robo-onion appeared wielding an onion juice blaster, pointing it right at him. As Luno fled out of the freezer, he turned and saw that the robot was following him, so he slammed the door behind him, but the robo-onion simply marched straight through it, followed by several more.

Luno ran to the back of the kitchen and found the kids recovering from the effects of the noxious liquid. A few were standing around Zoola, who was lying on the floor.

“I don’t think she’s breathing!” Frankie Boy shouted. “Do something, Luno!”

Before Luno could tell him he had absolutely no idea how he could possibly help, Tony pointed over Luno’s shoulder and shouted, “Look!”

It was a robo-onion lifting an onion-juice blaster and marching straight for them! The kids hid behind Luno as he outstretched his arms to shield them.

This was it. Luno was going to get blasted at point-blank range and be permanently blinded or worse. As he backed up, Luno’s hand touched the wall, but then touched something else. As the robo-onion took aim, Luno saw what it was and grabbed hold.

Just as the robo-onion squeezed the trigger, Luno slammed the fire-alarm handle down as hard as he could. Before the onion juice could hit them, water rained down everywhere, drenching everything in sight.

Now able to see, Luno looked down at Zoola. Her eyes flickered open. She saw Luno’s face and smiled. In the midst of the chaos, Luno smiled back and helped her up.

“Um, thanks,” Zoola said, “I…”

“Hey! My eyes don’t hurt anymore!” shouted Tony, as they all pushed past the confused robot futilely firing its blaster.

The steady downpour from the sprinklers not only rendered the onion juice powerless, but the robo-onions, too. The robots wandered around, spraying everyone to no effect.

“How did you know to do that?” asked Frankie Boy.

“The water draws away the sulfur in the onion, “said Luno, “and that’s what makes you cry.”

“They were right, Luno,” Zoola said dreamily. “You are pretty amazing!”

“I, um—” Luno mumbled.

“Luno!”

Luno turned to see his mother. Even though she was soaking wet, he could tell she was crying.

“Are you alright?” she asked, hugging him.

“Where’s Dad?” Luno asked.

“I don’t know,” she shouted, searching the chaos. “We have to find him!”

Luno told his mother to stay put and ran back toward the freezer, but before he could, a dark towering figure swept through the broken door.

It was Vlactron.

Luno froze.

He was no longer the young, gangly Reptilicon from 200 years ago. Vlactron had grown into a dark formidable presence, with an aura of evil swirling around him.

Vlactron coolly scanned the kitchen and, seeing his robo-onions now useless, raised his clenched fist.

“Calamari!” he summoned. “Attack!”

Suddenly a troop of giant mutant squids slithered through the doorway behind him and wrapped their tentacles around some of the adult members of the Pizza Pyramid.

The kids threw pots, pans, and anything else they could get their hands on at the Calamari, but in return were doused with sticky black ink. Luno knew that even just a drop of that ink would cause him to not only blow up like a balloon but, as he was constantly reminded, to stop breathing.

“Dad!” Luno shouted as he spotted his father, bruised and hurt, limping toward him. But before Geo could reach Luno and his mother, a tentacle wrapped around his waist. Luno’s mom lunged toward Geo to try to pull him free, but was knocked to the ground by another one of its tentacles.

As Luno helped her up, he saw the Calamari drag Geo, as well as the other Pyramid members, toward the freezer.

Remembering his kitchen training, Luno stayed out of the Calamari’s direct line of sight and ran at it from behind with the first thing he could find, a giant frying pan. But before he could whack it on the head, another Calamari wrapped its tentacle around Luno’s boot and lifted him into the air. As he hung upside down, Luno was sprayed with the black ink, then cast aside like a rag doll.

Now having captured all of the galaxy’s master pizza chefs, Vlactron turned to the bruised and beaten crowd.

“Bid your good-byes to your loved ones,” he snickered. “Because they will be working for Quantum Pizza from now on!”

Vlactron then ordered the robo-onions and Calamari back to the ship. He looked around the kitchen and spotted Luno, collapsed against a wall, wheezing, his allergies starting to kick in. Vlactron slowly walked over to Luno and then stood over him, looking down with a sinister grin, his cyber eye swiveling.

“If you ever want to see your father again, you, Illuminato Zorgoochi, and only you, must personally bring me the Golden Anchovy!”

Then Vlactron marched away as the Calamari dragged Geo along with the rest through the secret doorway and onto the Quantum ship.

“Luno! Find the Golden Anchovy,” Geo shouted. “But don’t ever hand it over!”

Connie rushed over to Luno and took out an allergy pen. She pulled the cap off with her teeth and sunk the needle deep into his leg.

As his mother cradled him, Luno gasped for breath, helplessly watching his father being dragged away.

“Dad,” Luno gasped. “I’m sorry.”