CHAPTER NINETEEN

The End of Real Pizza in the Universe?

“The entrance to the main kitchen is around that corner and at the end of the next hallway,” Xoboz whispered, as he approached a turn in the corridor, but then stopped and put his finger to his lips.

Shhhh.

The Arthropods were poised, ready to strike down whatever was coming around that corner.

It grew closer and closer until …

“Hey! I—”

They lunged at someone or something, but before they could do any damage, Connie Zorgoochi swatted them away.

“Get off him, you idiots!” she shouted, plucking the Arthropods and tossing them away. “It’s my Luno!”

She wrapped him in a tight embrace of sobs and kisses. Luno didn’t know what was worse, the Arthropod attack or his mother.

“Okay, Mom,” Luno finally said, wiping his face.

As soon as Connie stopped kissing him, she smacked him in the back of the head.

“You had me worried half sick!” she shouted. “I thought you were dead!”

“Well, if I was dead,” said Luno, “then there’d be nothing you could do about it, so there’d be no point in worrying.”

“Don’t be a wise guy, mister,” Connie said, and smacked him again.

Then she grabbed him and kissed him some more.

Luno barely had time to catch his breath when Chooch wrapped him in one of his bone-crushing group hugs with Clive, the Luno Bot, and a few delivery boys and girls, who weren’t sure if they were being attacked.

Tony, Concetta, Frankie Boy Jr., and the rest of the Junior Pyramid members surrounded Luno and either hugged him or slapped him on the back to congratulate him. They said they just knew he’d outsmart Vlactron somehow, but when Luno tried to explain what really happened, they didn’t seem to want to listen.

Once the reunion was over and they were all heading toward the doors to the Quantum kitchens, Luno felt a tap on his shoulder. He turned. It was Zoola Zeta.

“Oh, hi, Zoola,” Luno said. “How are…”

She wrapped her arms around him and buried her face in his chest.

“Mmm fo apffy yoor hokay,” she said into Luno’s space suit.

“Huh?” Luno asked, trying to wriggle out of her embrace.

“I’m so happy you’re okay,” she said, looking up at him. “I was so worried about…”

“Let’s go, you guys!” Concetta shouted. “Move it!”

Luno pried Zoola off as politely as he could and walked with the others, but everyone stopped cold at the sound of an echoing growl coming from down the hall followed by a wet shlupping sound, growing closer and closer.

Out of the shadows emerged two massive Mutant Calamari, wielding pizza cutter weapons!

Xoboz commanded his troops to attack and they did, completely covering the wailing creatures. However, after a few moments, Arthropods were flying every which way as the Calamari whipped their terrible tentacles around to shake them off.

Without time to think, Luno led the second wave of attack, which was made all the more difficult by his mother trying to hold him back to keep him safe.

Once he wrestled himself free, Luno furiously poked and jabbed the squid creatures with one of the Arthropod’s makeshift weapons, but after a few moments, he and the Junior Pyramid members and the delivery boys and girls discovered that they couldn’t penetrate the Calamari’s tough leathery hide.

Now having the upper tentacle, the Calamari advanced toward Luno and the rest, ready to shock them with their cutters or simply squeeze them to death in their atrocious appendages.

“Gak!” A tentacle wrapped around Luno’s chest and lifted him into the air. Fortunately, his space suit protected him from direct contact with the Calamari, which would’ve triggered his allergies. But as fortunate as this was, he was still in big trouble. He dangled helplessly as the Calamari bellowed in anger, scooping up Arthropods and a few Junior Pyramid members.

Swink!

Luno hit the floor with the rest of them. He looked up and saw Zoola, panting, one foot on the floor and one on the now completely legless dead Calamari, holding a sharpened pizza paddle like a mighty sword.

“The base of the tentacle is the most tender part,” she said, smiling. “And the most delicious!”

Luno blinked in disbelief. He unwound the dead tentacle from his waist and walked up to her. “I—um—”

“Well, it was going to hurt you,” she said. “I had to do something. I…”

Suddenly they both flew into the air. Another Mutant Calamari had him, this time by the ankles and Zoola, too, and she dropped the pizza paddle. Luno futilely swung his fists as he dangled upside down trying to do something, anything, but it was no use.

The spinning blade of the Calamari’s pizza cutter weapon glinted in Luno’s eye. As it drew closer, he tried to wriggle free, but the tentacles were stuck fast. He watched the shiny blade move steadily toward his throat.

Zoola gasped helplessly, watching.

“Luno!” she shouted. “Before we die, I need to tell you that I love—”

“EXTRA SHARP CHEDDAR, COMING THROUGH!”

The next thing Luno knew, he and Zoola were on the floor again. He looked up and saw the Calamari lying there next to them, sliced completely in two!

Luno pushed Zoola out of the way of a giant and very sharp wheel of yellowish cheese barreling back toward him.

“Hello, young Zorgoochi.”

It was Master Uno and the Mozzarella Monks!

Luno got to his feet and Master Uno bowed deeply to him, so Luno bowed in return.

“Does your back hurt?” Master Uno asked, rubbing his back. “Bending down that way always makes me feel better, too.”

Then Master Uno offered his hand and Luno shook it.

“Good to see you again.” Master Uno smiled, helping him up.

As Clive and Chooch greeted the Monks, Luno approached Zoola.

“So, um,” Luno muttered. “Were you going to say something before?”

“Uh, yeah.” She laughed nervously. “I was going to say that I love, uh—mozzarella.”

“Huh?”

“You say funny things when you think you’re going to die,” Zoola said, then quickly joined the others.

“So you’re for real, too?” Connie asked Master Uno. “I thought you were a figment of my husband’s crazy family’s imagination.”

“Hmmm.” Master Uno considered this. “Perhaps I am and just exist in their minds, Madame. Perhaps we all do.”

Connie looked over to Luno, who shook his head as if to say, Never mind him.

“Master Uno, how did you know I was here?” Luno asked. “And that we needed your help?”

“Ah, young Zorgoochi”—Master Uno smiled sagely—“I was practicing Transcend-Cheddar Meditation and sensed that you were in danger across the cold depths of space.”

“Wow!” Luno gasped. “Really?”

“No,” Master Uno said flatly. “We have one of those antennas, too.”

There was a scuffle behind them and Luno turned around.

“What are you doing?” Due shouted at Nove, who was squeezing lemons and shaking salt and pepper on one of the Calamari’s tentacles.

“It’s getting close to lunchtime, so I was just thinking I could grill these up and…”

Due slapped the lemons out of his hands.

“How can you think of food at a time like this?” Due shouted, yanking Nove to his feet. “C’mon! Let’s get that door open!”

The monks yanked at the heavy metal door of the kitchen, but it didn’t creak open more than a fraction.

“Can I help?” Chooch asked, grasping the door handle and flinging it open wide, sending a few of the monks flying.

“Oops.”

Luno, Connie, Clive, Chooch, and the rest gathered in the doorway and peered down upon the cavernous Quantum kitchen at the members of the Pizza Pyramid, using their talents in the service of Vlactron.

“Anthony!” Mrs. Galattico screamed as she ran down the stairs, her arms outstretched, followed by Tony.

Mr. Galattico spun around, dropped the basketball-size olive he was slicing, and ran to his wife and son. They hugged one another, then cried.

There was a mad rush of adults and kids down the stairs to the kitchen and another of pizza chefs toward them, resulting in a collision of kissing, sobbing, and shouting.

Connie and Luno ran down the steps, searching the crowd for Geo, but got caught in the jumble. Once he pulled himself free of Zoola Zeta and her parents’ hugs, Luno found Mr. Galattico.

“Where’s my father?” Luno asked Mr. Galattico, who tried to answer, but his wife was too busy kissing him. Once he pried her lips off, he managed to tell Luno that Geo was in the back room, and pointed toward a door.

Luno and Connie ran to the doorway.

They both froze.

“I guess I shoulda warned you first,” Mr. Galattico said, catching up to them.

“Connie!” Geo squeaked. “Luno!”

“What did you do to my Geo?” Connie shrieked, running to her husband, who was standing on a table trying to roll out some dough.

He was no more than a foot and a half tall.

Regardless, Connie picked him up and hugged him and so did Luno.

“You should be proud of your husband, Connie,” Mr. Fazul said.

“Why?” Connie snapped. “Because now I can buy a kid’s ticket for him at the movies?”

Mr. Fazul explained that Vlactron ordered the Pyramid chefs to create a new size pizza that would be smaller than his already Extra Extra Unlarge. Being that Geo had experience making pizza for the microscopic universe of Parva, he decided to take on the task.

“That was one beautiful pie, even though you could only see it through an electron microscope,” Mrs. Zeta said, patting Geo on the back, knocking him over.

“Then came time for the taste test,” Mr. Fazul said, sadly shaking his head. “We had no idea there’d be any side effects when Geo volunteered.”

“I stand behind every pizza I make!” Geo said proudly.

“Too bad nobody can see you when you do it now,” Connie said.

“There’s more bad news,” Mr. Galattico said grimly.

“Worse than ordering from the children’s menu for my husband for the rest of his life?” Connie snarled.

“He’s getting smaller, Connie,” Mrs. Zeta said, placing a hand on Connie’s shoulder. “Pretty soon he’s going to disappear altogether.”

As Luno’s mother collapsed into Mrs. Zeta’s arms and wept, Geo asked Luno to pick him up.

“Don’t worry about me, son,” he said evenly. “Vlactron’s gotta be stopped and as long as he doesn’t have the Golden Anchovy, there’s still a chance. Capish?”

Luno reluctantly told him he had handed the Golden Anchovy over in order to get him back, but then Vlactron double-crossed him and locked him up.

Geo smacked his forehead and cursed, “Brutto Malo!” but then quickly shook off the bad news.

“Okay, okay, there’s got to be a way we can take him down,” he said. “I got it! Roog! He can help us! Where is he?”

Luno then explained that Roog was secretly Vlactron’s servant and he had double-crossed the Zorgoochi family.

“Uffa! After two centuries!” Geo said, then looked Luno square in the eye. “Figlio mio, my baby boy, it’s all up to you now. The Pyramid will help, but it’s up to you to stop Vlactron.”

“But, Dad…”

“You already know what to do, Luno,” Geo said evenly. “Now do it.”

Once again, Luno wasn’t sure if he really did know what to do, but nodded anyway.

“Okay, Dad,” Luno said. “I won’t let you d—”

“HOLD IT RIGHT THERE!” a voice shouted. “NOBODY MOVE!”

Connie quickly stuffed her husband in her purse and slowly turned around.

A wall of Quantum Guards faced them with weapons drawn.

The highest-ranking guard stepped forward and said, “Rex Vlactron will be pleased that I single-handedly stopped this little rebellion of yours!”

Before his Reptilicon troops could congratulate him, they froze where they stood. Then the row of icy guards fell forward, shattering into millions of pieces.

“Hey there, slush-a-roo!” smiled Frosto.

“We heard a friend of ours needed a little help,” said Floe.

“Yeah, man,” said Snowy Joey. “And anyone who would convert us into microscopic vapor in order to save us from oncoming meteors and then refreeze us into solid form is certainly a friend of ours!”

Sheldon hugged Luno. Delighted, Chooch scooped up Clive, a few Arthropods, and a couple of Junior Pyramid members and locked them all in a group hug.

“Thanks again for the big tip,” Luno said to Frosto, “but it turned to water by the time I got home.”

“That’s the thing about Freezorg money,” said Frosto. “You have to spend it before it melts!”

“So what do you want us to do, Luno?” Snowy Joey asked as everyone gathered round.

“We need to find the Golden Anchovy!” Luno announced. “There’s a chance that Vlactron hasn’t touched it yet.”

Before Clive could calculate the astronomical odds against that possibility, Luno instructed everyone to break up into groups to look for it, but arm themselves just in case they encountered any guards or Mutant Calamari.

“Now does anyone have any questions?” Luno asked.

“Yes,” said Connie. “are you wearing clean underwear?”

“Mom!” Luno shouted in disbelief as the crowd dispersed.

Luno stood in the corner of the kitchen, watching everyone form into teams and then courageously march off into battle for the fate of the galaxy. He drew a heavy sigh, suddenly feeling the gravity of what was at stake. His shoulders slumped, but then he realized it was because Chooch’s giant metal hand was on it.

“Can Clive and I go with you, Luno?” Chooch asked.

“I can observe the plumbing system along the way, Mr. Zorgoochi,” added Clive.

“Sure,” Luno replied and they started off, but turned when he heard his name called.

“Where do you think you’re going?” Connie asked, rushing up to him.

“Clive, Chooch, and I are going to find the Golden Anchovy,” Luno replied.

“Oh, really?” Connie snapped. “Well, I hate to tell you this, but you’ve been grounded for sneaking out of the house, so you’re not going anywhere!”

“Connie!” Geo’s head popped out of her purse. “Let the kid go! He’s gotta do this!”

“Alright then,” she said. “But I’m coming with you!”

“What?” Luno shouted.

“He’s gotta do this on his own, Connie,” Geo said.

Connie told him to be quiet and pushed him back into her purse. She snapped it shut, but Geo kept shouting.

“Mom,” said Luno, “I can do this.”

Connie looked down and brushed away a tear, then looked back up and pushed the hair out of Luno’s eyes.

“I know, sweetheart,” she said. “I guess I forget you’re not a little boy anymore.”

She kissed him on the forehead and told him to be safe. Luno turned and began to walk away.

“Are you chilly, honey?” she asked. “Because I brought you a sweater just in case.”

“No thanks, Mom,” Luno sighed and started up the stairs.

Then she pulled Clive and Chooch aside.

“Listen, you two,” she whispered, “if you let anything happen to my baby, you’re going to find yourself sold for spare parts and you’re going to find yourself on a loaf of garlic bread.”

Chooch gulped and Clive blinked, but they both understood. Then they quickly climbed the stairs to catch up with Luno.

They walked through eerily empty corridors, hearing vague far-off shouts, crashes, and explosions. The battle had already begun. Chooch clutched Luno’s arm until it was numb, while Clive calmly scanned the perimeter with his device.

“We are approaching the receiving bay, Mr. Zorgoochi,” Clive informed Luno. “There will be transporters to take us to the uppermost levels, where Vlactron’s private chamber is located.”

“Thanks, Clive,” said Luno.

“However, if we turn left at this next junction,” said Clive, “we will have an excellent opportunity to observe the plumbing system’s ingeniously designed auxiliary water filtration station, which is…”

“Not a good time, Clive,” groaned Luno.

They came to the end of the corridor and cautiously peeked out into the landing area, which was littered with unconscious guards.

As they crept along, a transporter silently descended from above and landed before them almost as if it was waiting for their arrival. Luno looked to Clive and Chooch, shrugged, and they climbed aboard.

“Destination, please,” requested a small female voice.

“Vlactron’s private lair?” Luno asked hopefully.

They zoomed to the very highest reaches of the mother ship with such velocity that it caused a few of Chooch’s more important parts to come loose.

Along the way, Luno could see skirmishes on several levels between the Quantum guards and Mutant Calamari and the Senior and Junior Pyramid members, Arthropods, the Mozzarella Monks, and even the Freezorgs. Luno wanted to stop and join the battle, or at least find out if his parents were okay, but kept going.

 By the time they slowed to a stop, Clive had put Chooch back together.

They stepped off the transporter and headed down a long dark corridor with a giant black door at the end. But this time, there were no Calamari guarding it.

Luno slowly pushed the door open and stuck his head in. He scanned the room, but there was no one. Then he spotted it among display cases of Vlactron’s skeleton trophies: the Golden Anchovy!

As Luno approached, he noticed it was no longer in the tomato sauce jar, but in an ornate crystal decanter, its top screwed on tight, adorned with small horned lizards carved around its base, resting on a pedestal. As he watched his own hand reach out, Luno felt his heart beat through his space suit.

“Hello, Illuminato,” a voice said softly.

Vlactron emerged from the shadows, his cape flowing behind him.

“So good of you to visit me once again,” Vlactron said, yellow eyes blazing through the darkness. “And I hear that your friends and family have come to visit me as well.”

Luno looked at the Golden Anchovy, which now appeared to have lost its glow as it swam lethargically around the bowl. Luno thought that perhaps it somehow knew what it was going to be used for next.

“I see you’ve come for one last look at the Golden Anchovy before I use it to fulfill my grand vision of total domination of pizza throughout the universe,” Vlactron said. “My only regret is that you won’t live long enough to witness the fulfillment of my destiny.”

Luno swallowed hard. He could hear Chooch rattling with fear and Clive pecking away at his device behind him.

“Or perhaps you will in a way,” Vlactron said, gesturing toward an empty display case with a plaque with the word “human” engraved on it.

“Quantum Pizza is bad,” Luno finally spoke. “There’ll always be people who won’t eat it.”

“Once I destroy every other pizzeria in the galaxy,” Vlactron said, smiling, “they’ll have to.”

“But they’ll fight back!” Luno shouted. “They’ll make their own!”

Vlactron chuckled, then calmly explained that no one could possibly make their own if he controlled all of the ingredients, but even if they tried, he would soon own the molecular formula of pizza itself!

“And then it will be punishable by death for anyone to make pizza except me.” Vlactron smiled blithely at what he was saying, then snapped out of it. “Calamari!”

Luno suddenly felt clammy tentacles slither around his arms and waist.

“To the cheese room!” Vlactron commanded, grabbing the decanter. He pushed Clive and Chooch out of the way and strutted out of the room. The Calamari followed, dragging Luno and growling menacingly at Chooch when he tried to reach out for Luno.

They boarded a waiting transporter, and as they began to descend, Luno could hear Chooch cry his name.

“All of this may very well soon be destroyed, but it’s served its purpose,” Vlactron mused, clutching the crystal decanter and looking around at the dozens of battles exploding on every level. “Just like your species, it too will come to an end now that its function is complete. Being that Earth was destroyed centuries ago, the only thing left to mark humanity’s tiny existence other than your very bones on display among my trophies will be pizza. But in time, its creation will be attributed to me and no one will even remember who the Zorgoochis were. More time shall pass and your very species will be extinct and forgotten. It will be as if humanity never even existed.”

The transporter slowed to a stop.

Vlactron marched ahead as the Calamari’s tentacles yanked Luno forward. They entered the cheese room and Vlactron climbed up a flight of stairs to a catwalk directly over several massive vats of curds and whey in the process of being separated. The Calamari dragged Luno up the stairs and dangled him over one of the churning vats.

“Real pizza will never die,” Luno wheezed, barely able to breathe with the tentacle wrapped tightly around his chest. “You won’t win.”

“I already have.” Vlactron leaned in close. “Pizza is mine and so is the Golden Anchovy.”

Vlactron then turned to one of the Calamari and told it to prepare his escape pod located behind the pizza prep room several levels above. He descended the stairs and almost as an afterthought added, “Oh, and dispose of the human.”

Luno held his breath as he plunged into the colossal vat of warm liquid. He thrashed about, trying to keep his head above water and search for the edges. The rising steam from the milk veiled his surroundings, disorienting him.

“Help!” Luno gasped. “Somebody!”

But no one heard him.

Luno knew he couldn’t keep this up much longer. His muscles were aching. Each time he went under, it took increasingly more and more effort to pull himself back to the surface.

He found himself sinking once again, but just didn’t have enough strength to come back up.

Luno hit bottom.

And stayed there.

How could stupid little me think I could defeat the biggest, most powerful alien in the galaxy?

Luno was tired of fighting. Tired of trying. Tired of losing.

He was just tired.

“I’m sorry, Dad,” Luno said, as a bubble filled with his last bit of oxygen floated to the surface and popped.