CHAPTER THREE

Quite Preposterous, Highly Illogical, and Utterly Unscientific

No sooner had Connie’s tears, hugs, and kisses stopped than Geo announced that Luno would be making his first deliveries—in ten minutes!

Luno swallowed hard and before he could set off to his room to get dressed, Geo placed a hand on his shoulder.

“Grazie, son,” he said with weary relief. “Thank you.” But then he looked around, making sure Connie was out of earshot.

“Y’know, this isn’t going to be like those stories about Solaro I used to tell you when you were a little boy,” Geo said, referring to all the tales he had told him about his great-great-great-great-great-grandfather and the Golden Anchovy, which Luno eventually found out had all been made up by his father.

“That was for fun. This is for real,” Geo said, putting his hand on Luno’s shoulder. “We need you—Zorgoochi Intergalactic Pizza needs you to be grown up and responsible now. Capish?”

“I understand,” said Luno.

“It can get dangerous out there and I want you to promise you’ll be careful,” Geo said.

Luno looked at his feet and nodded.

“Your mother,” Geo said awkwardly, “she—y’know—worries about you.”

“It’s okay, Dad,” Luno replied. “I-I won’t let you down.”

*   *   *

As Luno walked down the hallway toward his room, the door sensed his approach and gave a soft hiss as it rose up from the floor. He walked in. As usual, Clive was sitting at Luno’s desk tinkering with one of his gadgets.

Earlier in the semester, Luno had an assignment for Galactic Biology class to shoot an ordinary, everyday piece of organic matter full of gamma rays and record the results. He chose a bulb of garlic from the kitchen, thinking he’d create a new taste sensation for his dad’s pizzas, but all he ended up with was a vegetable-based know-it-all.

Luno had no idea where this oversize garlicky genius got the lab coat and tie.

“Good afternoon, Mr. Zorgoochi,” Clive said.

“Will you please stop calling me Mr. Zorgoochi?” Luno asked for the millionth time since Clive sprouted a few months ago.

“Certainly, Mr. Zorgoochi,” replied Clive, not looking up, as he pecked away at a small handheld device he’d assembled from six pop bottle caps, a discarded atomic generator, and a pizza cutter.

It seemed to Luno that Clive’s favorite things to do were building gadgets, studying the universe, and annoying him, but he had to admit Clive was good to have around for help with Molecular Mathematics homework.

Besides, for a super-intelligent gamma-ray-infused mutant bulb of garlic, Clive wasn’t so bad.

Luno was Clive’s best friend, if he actually had one. Clive’s second-best friend was a mold spore he kept in a petri dish in the back of the closet.

Clive was actually Luno’s second attempt at his Galactic Science class homework. His first was shooting an eggplant full of gamma rays, which turned out to be a catastrophe. It sprouted legs and ran around the kitchen eating everything in sight, including Luno’s pet pizza beagle. It was the first time in the universe someone’s homework ate their dog.

Suddenly, the room began to shake.

CLUNK! CLANK! CLUNK!

The walls shuddered from the approach of heavy metallic footsteps. It could only be one person. Well, it wasn’t exactly a person; it was Chooch.

Before the door panel could rise, all 32 galactic tons of him burst right through it.

“Oops,” he squeaked. “I keep forgetting to wait for the door to open first. Sorry, Luno.”

Last spring break, when Luno had to work in the kitchen while other kids were zooming around the galaxy having way more fun than him, Connie suggested he make a new friend, so Luno dragged in an old pizza oven from the junkyard across the street and some electronics destined for recycling, got out his toolbox, and did just that. Unfortunately, Luno had a steady C- average in robotics and his new friend didn’t exactly turn out the way he’d hoped.

C.H.O.O.C.H. (Computerized Hydrogen-Operated Oscillating Cybernetic Humanoid) was a 32-galactic-ton whiney pizza oven, who loved kittens, bright colors, and ice cream, but was afraid of clowns, broccoli, and being left alone in the dark. It was as if Luno had an incredibly accident-prone crybaby little brother who was about ten thousand times bigger than him and who followed him everywhere. Luno sort of got used to him and decided not to disassemble him—for now.

“I’m so clumsy!” Chooch began to blubber.

“I know you didn’t mean to smash the door”—Luno sighed—“again,” patting him on the back as brake fluid poured out of Chooch’s eyes and all over the floor. “It was just an accident.”

“You’re right, Luno,” sniffed Chooch, “I shouldn’t cry over chilled milk.”

“Hmmm,” said Clive. “It appears that Chooch has sprung a leak.”

“He’s crying, Clive,” said Luno. “You do it when your feelings get hurt.”

“Please define ‘feelings,’ Mr. Zorgoochi,” said Clive, eagerly taking notes.

For someone who’s IQ was about 500 times higher than any human’s, Clive sure didn’t know a lot. Before Luno could explain, he heard a shout from the kitchen.

“Hey, Luno!” Geo called. “You’ve got deliveries! Andiamo! Get a move on!”

Luno mopped up Chooch’s tears, changed his clothes, and then ducked through the broken door.

Moments later, Luno was climbing the stairs to the roof where the pizza delivery pod was parked, when Roog appeared, blocking his way.

“Zo,” Roog grunted. “I hear you now make deli-wery, eh, boy?”

“Yes, I now make delivery,” Luno said suspiciously, waiting for Roog to give him a live scorpion sandwich or dangle him out the window by his boots and tell him it was part of his pizza training.

“De universe, she big place, ya? Lots of danger for leetle boy like you,” Roog said, placing his metal claw on Luno’s shoulder and looking him in the eye. “Be careful, Luno.”

Luno didn’t know what to do. It was the nicest thing Roog had ever said to him. He choked out “thanks” and squeezed past him.

Luno pushed open the door and saw his father and Chooch waiting for him. The rickety Zorgoochi Pizza delivery pod’s engine was rattling away as if it was going to fall apart any moment, which it had a habit of doing.

Connie fussed with his hair and Geo awkwardly patted him on the back, giving Luno a weary smile.

“Ah, I remember my first delivery,” Geo said with a sigh. “It was to a planet of tree creatures. They paid me in acorns. Boy, was my old man unhappy about that!”

Then Geo announced that the first delivery was to Inferno9, a fire planet.

Luno froze. A fire planet? He was actually hoping his first delivery would be to someplace good like Planet Jupico, where the biggest ice cream factory in the galaxy was, or Planet Ludum, where they designed electro-brain games like Asteroid Dodger. Now that would be cool. In fact, anything would be cooler than a fire planet. Most things were.

“This is gonna be so much fun, Luno!” Chooch squealed, hopping from one foot to the other with excitement … or maybe he just needed an oil change.

Luno turned to his parents. Not wanting to hurt Chooch’s feelings, he just gave them a look. They knew Luno was silently asking if he had to take Chooch on the delivery.

“Chooch’ll keep the pizzas hot while you drive,” Geo said, and then opened the oven in Chooch’s chest to show Luno, giving him a blast of heat and scorching his eyebrows. “Brutto Malo!” he cursed, but quickly recovered.

“Geo!” Connie scolded. “Watch your language!”

“Aaah!” Geo sniffed one of the pizzas with pride. “A large Zorgoochi super-spicy pizza with extra hot peppers!”

“Large?” Clive asked, approaching them. “As compared with what?”

Luno rolled his eyes. There he goes again.

“Something can only be ‘large’ if it is compared with something smaller,” Clive explained.

Connie informed Luno that Clive would be going on the delivery, too.

“He’s been alphabetizing the pizza toppings again and it’s driving your father crazy. You made him; he’s your responsibility.”

Luno sighed and loaded Clive and Chooch into the pod and climbed in after them.

Luno was about to go out into the galaxy all alone, except for having Clive and Chooch with him, which was roughly the same thing, possibly worse. Maybe Roog was right; the universe was full of danger, but there was no turning back now.

Luno swallowed hard.

Before he closed the hatch, he gave his parents a quick wave and attempted a smile, trying to look as if everything was under control, but Geo recognized Luno’s anxious expression.

“You already know what to do, son,” he said. “Now do it.”

Luno wasn’t sure if he really did know what to do, but nodded anyway.

He closed the hatch and dropped himself into the driver’s seat.

“Ladies and gentlemen,” said Chooch, “please make sure your seat back and folding trays are in their full, upright position.”

Luno sighed, regretting having used a salvaged circuit board from a junked passenger cruiser for Chooch’s voice system. He then took a deep breath and tried to remember everything he learned in Interstellar Driver’s Ed.

“Mr. Zorgoochi?” asked Clive, as he secured his seat belt. “Have you ever operated this vehicle?”

“No,” said Luno.

“Have you ever left the planet?” asked Clive.

“No,” said Luno.

“Have you ever delivered a pizza?” asked Clive.

“No,” said Luno.

“Well, Mr. Zorgoochi,” said Clive, “I find this endeavor quite preposterous, highly illogical, and utterly unscientific.”

Luno tried to ignore the obvious and set the coordinates for Inferno9.

“I have to go to the bathroom,” whined Chooch, wiggling in his seat.

“You should’ve thought of that before,” grumbled Luno. “Now will the two of you please be quiet?”

Luno ground the pod into gear. As he lifted off, he ignored the queasy feeling in the pit of his stomach and concentrated on not crashing the delivery pod his first time out.

Luno uneasily wobbled off into the cosmos on his first delivery as his parents got smaller and smaller in the rearview screen.