CHAPTER FIVE

A Hot Time on Inferno9

A flaming orange planet glowed angrily in the distance.

Inferno9.

As Luno landed, he could already feel the high temperature rising up from the planet’s smoldering surface right through the floor of the pod and through the soles of his space boots.

The three friends peered warily out the porthole. The landscape was a charred wasteland riddled with crevices spewing flames. It reminded Luno of his first attempt at making pizza.

He slipped on a pair of heat-resistant boots, a pair of gloves, and a space suit, then opened the oven in Chooch’s chest and slipped the super spicy-pizza with extra hot peppers into a thermal pizza pouch.

“Excuse me, Mr. Zorgoochi,” said Clive, “but the surface temperature of Inferno9 is over 600 degrees. I hardly think you will need a thermal pouch to keep the pizza warm.”

“I know,” Luno replied. “I’m putting it in here to keep it from bursting into flames when it hits the atmosphere.”

Clive nodded.

“All ready, Luno!” said Chooch, holding a stick with a marshmallow at the end of it. “Let’s go!”

But Luno gently explained that he had to go alone.

“It could be dangerous out there, Chooch!” Luno said, as the giant robot rolled around on the floor kicking his feet and bawling.

“Well then, Mr. Zorgoochi,” said Clive, “if it could be dangerous, why are you going?”

Luno knew it was pointless to try to explain to a super-intelligent, yet entirely clueless mutant bulb of garlic and a giant crybaby robot that he had to go. Alone. He needed to prove to his dad he could do this.

“Because,” said Luno as he climbed the ladder to the hatch.

“That is an entirely unsound, extremely unfounded, and highly unscientific reason,” Clive said flatly.

It may have been unsound, unfounded, and unscientific, but Luno opened the hatch and climbed out anyway.

Waves of heat rippled up from the scorched ground and jets of fire shot out from sinkholes every few feet, keeping Luno on his toes. Luckily, he was used to the scorching heat, thanks to Roog forcing him to walk over hot coals in the kitchen’s massive coal-fired oven every morning for the last few years. Luno never understood what it had to do with making pizza until now.

His space suit contracted from the heat and clung to his body, making his shorts ride up. Sweat poured from every pore, his eyes teared, and his hair felt like it was on fire. The only time Luno was hotter than this was when he and his parents visited William10, the Zorgoochi’s old retired delivery robot, at Rusty Acres on Planet Rur, where apparently elderly robots liked the weather hot and to eat dinner in the afternoon. In fact, it was so hot, the freckles on Luno’s face actually slid down a quarter inch.

Hssssssss!

Luno spun around. It was a giant fire lizard!

It stood on a high ridge, switching its tail and spewing flames. Luno was frozen with fear as the lizard’s yellow eyes scanned the fiery horizon and landed on him. It gave a hungry growl and began lumbering down the ridge, flicking its tongue. Luno’s brain finally defrosted enough for him to get his feet moving. He didn’t care in which direction, just as long as it was as far away as possible from the giant, hungry, fire-breathing lizard that would most definitely eat him, but not before cooking him first.

To make matters worse, Luno saw a delivery ship in the distance and knew Quantum had already intercepted his order. But before he could reach the ship, it blasted off, leaving him in a cloud of red dust, which fortunately scared away the lizard, for the moment anyway.

After spitting out a few mouthfuls of soot, Luno heard the faint sound of laughter over a hill a few yards away. With pizza box firmly in hand, he climbed to the top and saw a group of Infernals, the giant fire creatures who live on Inferno9, finishing up a Quantum pizza.

Luno steeled himself and marched down the hill toward them.

“Pizza delivery!” Luno shouted, trying to sound confident and businesslike, but came off as somewhat terrified of being burnt to a crisp.

“Who are you?” the biggest Infernal asked, belching out a burst of flames.

“Zorgoochi Intergalactic Pizza,” Luno croaked, then cleared his throat. “Did you order a super-spicy pizza with extra hot peppers?”

“Yeah,” the other one said. “We did and we just ate it, so beat it!”

Luno tried his best to explain without sounding scared utterly witless that Quantum intercepted the order and that he was actually delivering the pizza they ordered from Zorgoochi Intergalactic Pizza. Then Luno pulled the pizza out of the thermal pouch and it instantly burst into flames.

The Infernals looked at the fiery pizza and then at each other. The big one skeptically took a slice.

“Be careful not to burn the roof of your mouth!” Luno warned.

“Are you kidding?” the big one smiled. “We love when that happens!”

The Infernal took a bite and his eyes lit up, and then he devoured the whole slice.

“This is way better than that Quantum stuff,” the big one said as he shoved another slice into his blazing mouth.

Hearing this, the other Infernals greedily grabbed slices of their own and gobbled them down as well. They ate and ate until there was nothing left but a burning pepper on the bottom of the fireproof box, which the fat one snatched up and tossed into his mouth.

Braaap! They all belched in unison, sending jets of fire into the air.

“That’ll be 50,000 bux,” Luno said, but then added meekly, “plus tip.”

The Infernals looked at one another, then burst out laughing. The big one doubled over and pounded the ground with his flaming fist.

“W-what’s so funny?” Luno asked.

“We ain’t payin’ you squat, squirt!” the other one said.

Luno just knew he couldn’t go back to his father without the money for the delivery. He couldn’t bear to see the disappointment on Dad’s face like the time Luno had the brilliant idea of in addition to pizza toppings, why not have bottomings, too? What a mess that was.

Luno squared his shoulders and announced, “Well, you have to! You already ate the pizza and according to Galactic Pizza Convention Protocol number 432, ‘the recipients must pay for any pizza they’ve eaten, absorbed through membranes, or disintegrated as a means of consumption,’ which means…”

Luno shouted louder over the Infernals’ laughter.

“WHICH MEANS—” Luno yelled.

“Which means,” the big one said, as the flame on the tip of his nose nearly singed Luno’s, “we ain’t payin’ you, so scram!”

Luno held the thermal pouch in front of him as the Infernals blew flames right at him. As they paused to inhale, Luno slipped the pouch over himself and ran. It was difficult enough navigating his way back to the ship inside the pouch, but the Infernals were shooting flames at his butt, which made it that much more difficult to run.

Unzipping the pouch a bit and peeking out, Luno caught sight of the delivery pod.

“Start up the pod!” Luno shouted. “Fire up the engine!”

The hatch popped open and Chooch’s head popped out.

“I don’t know how!” Chooch shouted, and then he disappeared.

“Is there a manual available so I may learn how to start the engine, Mr. Zorgoochi?” Clive’s head suddenly appeared. “A schematic diagram of the delivery pod would also be helpful.”

“Just press the ignition button!” Luno shouted.

Looking back, Luno noticed that the Infernals had given up the chase, but then he stopped in his tracks. Luno had bigger problems ahead of him. The fire lizard was back and blocking his way to the pod.

Hsssss! It hungrily paced back and forth, determined not to let its dinner get away a second time.

As Luno locked eyes with it, he carefully bent at the knees and picked up a flaming rock and drew his arm back. As he flung it with all his might, Chooch’s head reappeared and asked, “Which button do I press?”

Tonk!

The sound the rock made when it hit Chooch’s head sounded like two coconuts knocking together, which was enough to distract the lizard so Luno could make a mad dash around the other side of the pod.

“Ouch,” Chooch said, rubbing his head.

Luno dove into the hatch and slammed it shut. He dropped into the pilot’s seat, jammed the ignition button, and slammed the pod into gear.

Hsssss! The lizard, now angrier than ever, breathed flames directly at the windshield.

As they lifted off, the lizard whipped its tail and hissed some more, but in a few moments, it was nothing but a dark green speck on an angry blazing planet. And after a while, Inferno9 was just another dot in a deep black expanse, no different from the hundreds of others Luno saw around him.

“Whew!” Luno breathed as he set the coordinates for his next delivery. “I can’t believe we got out of there without getting hurt!”

“Um, Luno?” said Chooch, pointing at Luno’s boots.

He looked down. His boots were not only smoldering, but the soles were completely burned away and his bare feet were showing! A curl of smoke floated up Luno’s nostril, reminding him of the last time he smelled this familiar aroma, when he made a calzone so spicy, his dad had to put it out with a fire extinguisher.

“What an idiot I am.” Luno sighed, pulling off his charred boots and putting a new pair on. “I didn’t even get paid for my very first delivery!”

“It’s okay, Luno,” said Chooch. “As long as you’re safe and browned.”

“No, Chooch, it’s not okay!” Luno snapped. “My dad’s going to kill me!”

“I must agree with you, Mr. Zorgoochi,” said Clive. “This is unacceptable. I suggest you return to Inferno9 and inform the Infernals of Galactic Pizza Convention Protocol number 432, ‘the recipient must pay for any pizza—’”

“Don’t you think I did that already?” Luno groaned, his head in his hands.

“Well, we still love you!” cried Chooch as he lunged toward Luno and Clive with open giant metal arms. “Group hug!”

“Okay! Okay!” Luno gasped, locked in a death embrace, smashed against Clive. “Thank you, now let me go!”

“Define ‘love,’ Mr. Zorgoochi,” said Clive.