“John, please say you still have some long johns covered with chocolate frosting,” Mattie called out the moment she entered the front door of the Kaffi Haus.
As a pair of men looked up from their newspapers, frowned, then went back to reading, John rested his elbows on the glass countertop and smiled in amusement. “It’s been that kind of a day, huh?”
“You don’t know the half of it. Graham accompanied me to the doctor yesterday.”
“How did it go?”
She loved how Graham’s Uncle John was always so calm and nonjudgmental. Everything seemed to go along on its own time with him.
“I’ll tell you about it over a donut. If you have the time.”
He looked around at the empty dining room. “I might be able to spare a moment or two. I just made a fresh pot of coffee. Want a cup with your long johns?”
She almost cheered, she was so happy to hear that he had more than one of her favorite donuts available. “Yes, please.”
“Coming right up, then. Have a seat, dear.”
With a relieved sigh, she sat at the smallest table, in the corner, the exact opposite of where most patrons sat. But she yearned for peace and quiet.
Well, at least a little bit of privacy.
In less than two minutes, John appeared. “Here we go, Mattie. Two donuts and one cup of coffee.”
She noticed the creamy milky color and sighed with happiness. “And you even put a lot of cream in it. Thank you.”
“Any time. Eat up for a moment, and then I’ll be right back.”
Ah, but the first taste of the long john was always something close to heaven. She closed her eyes and took a moment to enjoy the rich chocolatyness of the pastry.
Two sips of coffee later, John came back and sat in the chair across from her. “Now, tell me. What happened?”
“I got the results back from my latest biopsy.”
The lines in his jaw tensed. “And?”
“And I don’t have cancer,” she said in a rush.
“This is going to sound strange, but for some reason, I don’t think you seem happy about that.”
“I’m stunned, I think.” Almost grudgingly, she admitted, “Graham said the same thing.”
“Is there a reason you’re surprised?”
After popping the last of the first donut in her mouth, she carefully wiped her mouth. “I’m afraid so,” she admitted. “I’ve been in such a bad place emotionally, I couldn’t imagine a life without cancer.”
“You were afraid to hope for something better.”
She looked at him in surprise. “You understand,” she said, surprised.
He laughed. “I know it’s hard to imagine that an old guy like me could understand . . . but I do. See, I’ve had circumstances much like yours.”
“Have you had cancer?”
His eyes widened in surprise, then he shuttered his expression quickly. “No, nothing like that. But I suffered losses. Some of which were painful,” he said quietly.
Mattie stayed silent. For reasons she couldn’t explain, she felt a connection with John Weaver, stronger than she’d felt with anyone in years, except maybe Graham. Though she didn’t want to be rude, she was curious about what hardships he’d faced.
After sipping his coffee, John propped one foot on his opposite knee. “I’m sure you know years ago I left here.”
“You didn’t want to be Amish.”
His eyebrows rose at her bluntness, then he nodded. “No, I didn’t. My brother, he did everything right. I thought I couldn’t measure up.” Staring at Mattie, he shrugged. “Now I wonder why that mattered so much. Anyway, I left here to the farthest place I could afford, which was Indianapolis.” His gaze turned sardonic. “I thought it was terribly exotic.”
“A big city would be.”
“It was,” he said softly. “Anyway, leaving Geauga County was the hardest thing I ever did—to leave the order and make a life on my own.”
“But you did . . .”
“I did at that.”
“And you got married?”
“I did. And after two years, I divorced.”
The notion of ending a marriage was foreign to Mattie. “You didn’t want to honor your wedding vows?”
“Oh, I did. Angela didn’t.” Bitterness crept into his voice. “She found someone else and left.”
Understanding dawned. “So that’s why you say things have happened out of your control.”
He nodded. “I was Amish enough to think that I would have worked long and hard before I would have accepted a divorce. Angela, however, went ahead and left me little choice in the matter. She was gone and had made it plain that she wasn’t going to come back to me, ever.” He sighed. “Anyway, for twenty years, I told myself, it was what I deserved. I left my family and attempted to form a new life. But you can’t, you know? We are all a product of our past. No matter how hard we might wish otherwise, that truth remains the same.”
“Now I can officially say I am cancer-free, but I hardly know how to act. I’m afraid to move on.”
“I was that way, too, Mattie. I stayed away, afraid to imagine I could go back. Afraid that wouldn’t be welcomed. Afraid to return. But Calvin’s visit spurred me into action.”
“And now you own this donut shop.”
“I do.” Looking around, his expression turned bemused. “I wouldn’t have thought it, but this place suits me.”
“Do you think you’ll ever find love again?”
“A year ago, I would have told you no. But lately, I’m starting to think maybe there’s hope for me yet.” He raised his coffee cup and gave her a toast in the air. “And I’m here to tell you, Mattie, that if there’s hope for me after twenty years, perhaps there’s hope for you, too.”
“Perhaps,” she echoed. But she was afraid to admit to anything. What if she gave herself hope and then discovered that she’d been a fool, all over again?
Behind them, the door chimed.
John got to his feet with a faint groan, then instantly became more on edge.
Curious, Mattie turned to look at the newcomer and noticed it was Mary Zehr, the widow who lived on a farm on the opposite side of Jacob’s Crossing.
“Mary, hello,” John said, every muscle in his face suddenly still.
“John,” Mary murmured. “It’s gut to see you.”
But Mattie noticed she didn’t look at the pastries in the glass case once. No, all she was doing was staring at John.
And John’s expression was as tender as she’d ever seen it.
Suddenly, the air in the restaurant became thick with tension. And Mattie felt like there were too many people in the near-empty space. With a flick of her wrist, she wrapped the last half of her second long john in a napkin, grabbed her Styrofoam cup, and walked out of the restaurant.
She smiled when neither John nor Mary ever looked her way.
As she stood on the sidewalk, she decided she might as well take a walk. And headed to the library.
But what she found there was a scene of chaos. Ella was nowhere to be found, little Katie Weaver was crying, and Ms. Donovan, standing with an arm around Katie’s shoulders, looked to be in tears herself. Off to the side was Loyal, looking as if his whole world had just come tumbling down.
Mattie rushed over to the women. “What’s wrong?”
“Everything,” Katie wailed, in that usual headstrong way of hers.
Though Mattie knew Graham sometimes became exasperated with his little sister’s outspoken ways, today she was very grateful for Katie’s propensity to speak her mind. “Such as?”
“Miss Ella, she left and she’s probably never going to come back here, neither.”
Mattie was completely confused. “I find that hard to believe.”
Finally Ms. Donovan spoke. “This morning, Ella spoke to me. She was finding it difficult to work here.”
“Why?”
“Because of the other librarian,” Katie blurted. “The mean one.”
Mattie had learned to trust Katie. “Who?” she asked, certain she was going to get the unvarnished truth.
Finally Loyal spoke. “Dorothy has been spreading rumors about Ella. She’s been whispering them to Ms. Donovan and upsetting Ella greatly.”
“I wish she had more faith in herself,” Ms. Donovan said. “If she would have given me more time to talk to her, I would have told her that none of Dorothy’s stories had any bearing on her job. I think Ella is doing a fine job, and I really thought she fit in here.”
“Where is she now?” Mattie asked, looking from Loyal to Ms. Donovan.
“She went to try to straighten things out with Dorothy,” Loyal said.
“Do you think she’ll have any luck?”
“Nee,” Katie blurted. “Dorothy didn’t want her to work here, or even live in her house.”
Mattie was floored. “All this is so hard to understand.”
“Lies like hers usually are,” Loyal said quietly.
Jayne Donovan shook her head sadly. “I’m not exactly sure of the whole story,” she said apologetically. With a wave of her hand, she added, “For some reason, Dorothy thinks Ella has loose morals.”
His face red, Loyal said, “She only said that because she saw me kiss Ella.”
Shaking her head sadly, Mattie said, “Loyal, we need to go help her.”
“I think you’re right, though I did promise Ella that I would let her speak to Dorothy on her own.”
“Well, you did let her have time to speak with Dorothy. Now I think we should go check on her.”
“Are you sure you’re up to this? I don’t want you overdoing it.”
“I’m perfectly healthy now,” she said, realizing how extremely glad she was about that. “More than anything, I want to try to help Ella.” Mattie knew helping her friend would be good for her heart and soul, too. For so long, she’d only been thinking about her own needs and failings. Now God was giving her a chance to actually help someone else.
She couldn’t help but grab hold of the opportunity.
Turning to Ms. Donovan, Loyal said, “I hate to ask this of you, but is there any way you could let Katie stay here for a little while? I’d hate for her to be any more embroiled in this than she already is.”
Ms. Donovan looked at Katie and smiled. “I don’t think we’ll have any trouble staying here and keeping occupied. Katie, would you like to see the brand-new picture books that just came in?”
Katie’s eyes widened. “Oh, yes.”
Loyal smiled in obvious relief. “All right, then. Mattie, let’s go see if we can find Ella and offer her some support. I don’t want her to be alone.”
With a wave, Mattie left the library by Loyal’s side, scurrying down the sidewalk as she did her best to keep up with his long-legged stride.
And that’s when she realized with some surprise that for the first time in a long while, no one mentioned her cancer.
They’d moved on.
And that gave her the strength to move on, too. She was anxious to help other people, to worry about others, and to be thought of as something more than just a cancer survivor. She wanted to be a friend. One day a wife and mother. She wanted to be the person she used to be before her diagnosis. The same person, but better and stronger.