The present
After telling Alissa about her conversation with Matt, Claire fidgeted on the counsellor’s couch. ‘He’s always on time so I doubt he’s coming. Perhaps I should have made an appointment with a solicitor instead.’
‘Perhaps the date’s too confronting for him?’
‘It seems appropriate to me.’
The doorbell buzzed and every muscle in Claire’s body jerked.
‘Excuse me.’ Alissa rose gracefully and walked out of the room.
Claire heard the murmur of voices and then Alissa returned, followed by Matt. Her gut cramped painfully and she wondered if she’d have to excuse herself and rush to the toilet.
‘You came.’
‘Yeah.’ Matt sat on the couch, positioning himself as far away from Claire as possible. He crossed his arms, looking miserable.
‘Thanks for coming, Matt,’ Alissa said before Claire could. ‘I appreciate it may not be easy for you being here.’
Matt made a huffing sound. ‘What’s not easy is Claire putting a bullet into our relationship for no good reason.’
‘In my experience, there’s always a reason, but it’s not always obvious to those in the middle of it,’ Alissa said smoothly. ‘How did Claire’s decision not to have children make you feel?’
Matt stared at Alissa as if she were an alien. ‘How do you think it made me feel?’
‘I don’t know. That’s why I’m asking.’
Matt glared at Claire. ‘Surely you told her?’
She nodded but Alissa said, ‘I want to hear it from you, Matt.’
He poured himself a glass of water and drank it slowly. ‘I’ve never felt this angry in my life. It’s like a slow burn inside of me. Every time I think about it, the embers flare and I rage again. I can’t believe she’s done this to me. To us. God! If I hadn’t found those pills, how long would she have strung me along? I’ve been telling people we’re trying to start a family and she’s been making me look like a fool.’
Matt’s hurt battered Claire and she wanted to hug him, but she’d lost that right weeks ago.
‘Did you mean to make Matt feel foolish, Claire?’
‘No. Never. I love him. I wanted to tell him, but I couldn’t. I knew if I did, he’d leave me and the thought of that … it was worse than waiting for death inside the CFA shed.’
‘Is Claire’s fear of you leaving her a fair assessment of your reaction, Matt?’ Alissa asked.
‘Yeah. But, Jesus, Claire, you ripped out my heart.’ He stared at his knees. ‘During those awful weeks after the fires, when I closed my eyes and could only see scorched earth and blackened sheep, besides you, the only thing that got me through was planning our future. Dreaming of kids. Now when we’ve finally got our lives back on track, I don’t understand why you’ve done a one-eighty?’
Tears pooled behind Claire’s eyes but all the things she’d learned about herself over these last long weeks solidified. For the first time, she told Matt the truth. ‘That’s the thing. We’re not back on track.’
‘We were until you lost the plot.’
‘Matt,’ Alissa said calmly. Firmly. ‘Problems in a relationship are rarely one-sided. It’s helpful if we can avoid the blame game.’
He threw up his arms. ‘Fine. Sorry. The thing is, yes, the farm was a mess for a year. Yes, we had to rebuild the house. But even when everything around us was crap, Claire and I have only ever been tight.’
‘And that’s my fault,’ Claire said. ‘I let you believe that.’
‘No! You’re not that good an actress.’ Matt turned to Alissa. ‘Since the fires, I’ve seen a heap of marriages go to the wall. The blokes always say there was no sex, just arguing. We’ve never argued until all this blew up and that included building a house. Our sex life was good. Great. We were a team. We’ve been a team from the moment we met.’
‘Would you say your relationship faced some challenges before the fires?’ Alissa asked.
‘No.’ Matt rubbed his palms on his moleskin-clad thighs. ‘Well, there was the initial misunderstanding about Taylor, but we sorted that out fast. We’ve been good ever since.’
‘Would you agree with that, Claire?’
‘I think we believed it. We fell in love the moment we met and it was exhilarating. For months we lived in a blissful bubble of happiness. In the early weeks, when Matt visited me in Melbourne, it was easy to pretend no one was upset or hurt that we’d got together. Six months before the wedding, we moved our bubble to the cottage. I think during that first year we ignored the call of the real world and then it came at us like a speeding train.’
‘The fire was hardly real-world stuff,’ Matt said grimly. ‘Most people never experience anything like it, thank God.’
‘I’m not talking about the fires,’ Claire said.
Alissa wrote something down on her notepad. ‘Matt, how did your family react to the news about your breakup with Taylor?’
‘That doesn’t have anything to do with Claire and me,’ he said tersely. ‘I broke up with Taylor and I chose Claire. They accepted my decision.’
‘If they did, they weren’t happy about it,’ Claire said, emboldened by Alissa’s mediating presence. ‘And I think somewhere deep in your heart you know that too. But you love them and you loved me so it’s been hard for you to acknowledge there’s a problem.’
Matt stiffened. ‘My parents loved and welcomed her. This is Claire’s problem.’
Claire laced her fingers, needing the painful reinforcement of bone on bone to hold her resolve. To go against her mother’s relationship advice.
‘The night before our wedding, I overheard your mother urging you not to marry me.’
Matt’s head swung towards her fast, his eyes wide with shock. ‘You misunderstood. Mum was just checking I was sure you were the one.’
‘It didn’t sound like that.’
‘And in two years, you’ve never once thought to mention it or ask me about it?’
‘No.’
‘Why?’
She gazed at her engagement ring and Heather’s aged wedding band. ‘Lots of reasons. Initially, the fires drove it out of my head. Later, when we were living with your parents, you kept telling me how lucky we were to have their support. I didn’t want to argue with you and give them a chance to tell you they’d been right all along. And I followed Mum’s advice of never getting between a mother and her son. She’d told me if I loved you long and strong, if I was polite and considerate of your family, they’d eventually truly welcome me. Then Mum died.’
‘And my parents stepped up and organised the funerals for you.’
‘I’m not saying your parents don’t give us practical support—they do—but it comes with a weary and resigned tolerance of me. No matter what I do, Louise, Bill and Tamara find me wanting. I know you say it’s because I don’t try hard enough but, Matt, I tried hard for over a year and nothing changed. I don’t think you noticed how hard I was working to find a role on the farm until I stopped trying. That’s when I threw myself back into my job, because it was easier.
‘But I guess the big reason I never told you any of this was because you love your parents. I didn’t want to be the difficult person complaining and causing problems. But I’ve ended up being that person anyway. I can’t win.’ She raised her head and met his eyes. ‘As far as your family’s concerned, me not being Taylor is the problem.’
‘That’s not true.’
‘Oh, Matt!’ Exasperation broke its leash. ‘Over the last three years, Tamara’s found a million ways to drop Taylor’s name into the conversation. When she does, Louise picks up the ball and runs with it. Not once have you asked them not to talk about Taylor in front of me. In fact, every time they mention her, you go silent.’
‘You make it sound like they talk about her all the time.’
‘Matt,’ Alissa said, ‘when your family mentions Taylor in front of you and Claire, how does it make you feel?’
‘Claire’s exaggerating. It doesn’t happen that often.’
Alissa didn’t respond. Matt picked at a loose thread on the couch. ‘Fine! I don’t like it. Happy you dragged that out of me?’
Alissa ignored his belligerence. ‘Why do you think you feel that way?’
Claire watched his face twist and her heart tore a little. She wanted to tell him she understood exactly how hard it was to acknowledge and face difficult feelings. She’d been doing it for weeks.
‘I dunno.’ He rubbed his jaw. ‘Look, all I’ve ever wanted is for everyone to get along and be one big, happy family. Is that too much to ask?’
‘It’s a noble aim but sadly we can’t control other people’s feelings,’ Alissa said. ‘Would I be right in saying your family loved Taylor and considered her to be part of the family?’
Matt let out a long sigh. ‘Taylor’s my sister’s best friend. We all grew up together, and yes, after we’d been dating for two years, the family expected us to get married. But I didn’t love her enough. I told them that. I told them I’d been thinking about breaking up with her for weeks and that Claire had nothing to do with it. Why are we even talking about this? Christ, Taylor and I broke up three years ago. Three years!’
‘Yet you had coffee with her a few weeks ago!’ Jealousy hung off Claire’s words.
‘And that was stupid. I get that now. My only defence is that your bombshell about not wanting kids gutted me. I’m sorry. I wish I’d never met up with her and if it helps, it only took one coffee and that dinner for me to remember exactly why I broke up with her. Why I don’t love her. Why I love you.’
His expression implored Claire to understand. ‘Taylor’s got nothing to do with us. I don’t even know why we’re talking about her.’
‘This isn’t actually about you, Matt,’ Alissa said succinctly. ‘It’s about your family’s feelings. It sounds like your family considered Taylor part of the family for years, so when you broke up with her, they experienced a shock. Before they’d had time to absorb the news and grieve for their loss, you introduced Claire. Even though you initiated the breakup with Taylor, the speed at which everything happened after that made it easy for your family not to welcome Claire. There may even be some misplaced blame.’
Matt frowned. ‘Hang on. Are you saying they found it easier to blame Claire for the breakup than me?’
‘Absolutely. They know and love you. Claire was a relative stranger who took the place of a woman they knew and loved.’
‘Maybe I can concede that might have happened at the start, but we’ve been together three years! Apart from these last few weeks there’s never been any reason for my family to think that Claire and I aren’t a couple. We’re engaged, for God’s sake. It’s not my fault we’re not married.’
‘Again, this isn’t about your feelings.’
Claire envied the counsellor’s sangfroid but unlike her, she had the advantage of detachment. Every time Claire thought about the mess with Matt’s family, she wanted to cry.
‘If my feelings don’t count, why the hell did you insist on me being here?’ Matt asked grumpily.
‘Your feelings do count,’ Alissa said gently. ‘But right now we’re unpacking your family’s feelings because they’re negatively impacting on your relationship with Claire. Let me try to explain. There’s a reason for the expression “love is blind”. Before the fires, you and Claire were flying high on new love. Studies have proven that during this intense time, body chemistry changes so there’s a lot of chemicals flying around. Some of them are protective of the new relationship. It’s the bubble Claire mentioned before. Back then, even if you’d noticed your parents weren’t as enthusiastic about your new relationship as you were, the chemicals blocked it from real consideration. Claire noticed the coolness from your family but it didn’t bother her because she had you and her parents’ love and support to buffer your family’s hurt and disappointment. The fires changed those dynamics.’
Alissa turned to Claire. ‘Tell Matt how you feel when his family mentions Taylor.’
‘I feel devalued. I want Matt to tell his mother and sister not to talk about her in front of us.’
‘Seriously?’ Matt huffed. ‘You’re hardly a fragile flower. You run the healthcare centre. If you felt this strongly about it, why didn’t you tell them yourself?’
‘And give them another reason to resent me? If I’d told them, we’d have argued about it like we’re doing now. Like we do whenever I try to explain I feel like an outsider in the family. Or you’d have brushed me off, saying there isn’t a problem, that your parents love me and I just need to lighten up.’
Matt stared furiously at the blue painting on the wall, his jaw working.
Alissa glanced between them. ‘Matt, Claire tells me you’re currently living with your parents.’
‘Yeah.’ He sounded suspicious.
‘Have your parents passed comment on your separation?’
‘They’re angry with Claire but they don’t have a monopoly on that.’
‘How does their anger make you feel?’
‘Jesus! Is that the only question you ever ask?’ He ploughed his hands through his hair. ‘There’s been times their anger’s got under my skin. And before you ask me why, even though I hate what Claire’s done to me and how she did it, they were being harsh about other stuff.’
‘Did you tell them how that made you feel?’
He barked out a vicious laugh. ‘Yeah, and then we hugged. Look, I live in the real world with a regular family. I did what I’ve been doing since I was a teenager. I went for a fast gallop. My mother’s a strong woman. I love and respect her, but she’s not always easy.’
Claire swallowed a gasp. It was the first time she’d ever heard Matt say anything negative about Louise.
‘If you don’t always find your mother easy, can you appreciate that Claire might experience similar feelings?’
He sat perfectly still for a few seconds and then he turned to face Claire, his handsome face haggard. ‘Two years ago today when I broke the news to you that Heather and Ron were dead, you sank into me like a child. You’re always so strong, but you fell apart and it terrified me. We’d lost the cottage, the wedding presents, everything we owned and even though you kept going, kept working, you folded in on yourself for a bit. I didn’t know what to do. I just knew I wanted to make you happy again. It made sense to me to offer you my family, because you’d lost yours. I wanted something good to come out of something bad. I honestly believed that living at the homestead would do the trick. Bring everyone closer and merge us into one big happy family.’
‘Just wanting it isn’t enough.’
‘No. I’m starting to get that.’
Claire’s body ached with the unique pain love inflicts. ‘I appreciate that you wanted to help. But even if Louise and Bill had learned to love me, and Tamara and I became friends, a lot of the time I feel like you’ve forgotten Mum and Dad ever existed. You talk about looking forward but it’s important to remember too. I have so few physical reminders of my parents and I need to talk about them to keep them close. I loved them. I miss them every single day. I’m sorry that makes you uncomfortable, but it really shouldn’t. My love for them doesn’t lessen my love for you.’
Matt shifted on the couch. ‘The reason I don’t talk about Heather and Ron isn’t because I doubt your love for me or because I don’t miss them. It’s because I thought it would upset you. Guess I got that wrong. I’m starting to think I’ve got a lot of things wrong. As for the family, I honestly thought we were immune from the occasional barbed comment. I didn’t think it was worth saying anything to them and risking a major row that would make things worse. I’m sorry.’
Claire’s heart rolled. Was there hope? Probably not. The issue of children still lay between them like a heavily fortified border crossing.
Matt glanced at Alissa. ‘I’ve been too busy trying to keep the peace, haven’t I?’
‘You’ve been trying to make Claire happy and keep your mother happy too.’
‘Yeah, and failing miserably at both.’ He shook his head as if ordering his thoughts. ‘I thought loving Claire was enough. You got any tips on how I can dig myself out of this mess?’
‘That depends on what your priority is. If it’s your relationship with Claire, then your responsibility lies with supporting her. Claire needs to know she comes first in your life. Your family, but especially your mother, needs to know and understand this too. It means facing up to those hard calls you’ve been dodging. There are difficult conversations ahead with your family.’
Matt turned to Claire, his brow furrowed. ‘Is my mother the reason you don’t want to get married now? To have kids?’
She wrung her hands. ‘It’s not that simple. It’s hard to explain. I’m not totally sure myself.’
‘Try me. Start with the wedding. After overhearing Mum, were you even going to marry me that day?’
‘Of course I was!’ She leaned towards him. ‘You saw me in the dress—or what was left of it. You’re the only man I’ve ever wanted to marry.’
‘So, you wanted to marry me BF but not AF?’
‘Can you explain the terms?’ Alissa asked.
‘Before the fires and after the fires,’ they said in unison.
‘Right.’
Claire looked straight into Matt’s troubled gaze. ‘I love you. I love you more now than I did then. But when the fire raged around the CFA shed, there was an hour when I thought I might die. I had no idea if you were safe or fighting just as hard as I was to stay alive. Or worse. I lived through eight agonising minutes after the mayday call, thinking you’d died in the burnover. I could hardly stand up. I couldn’t picture my life without you in it.’
He shuddered. ‘The whole time the fire buffeted the truck all I could think about was you. That being with you was the only thing that made any sense. I promised myself if I got out alive, I was marrying you the moment we’d mopped up, and making a honeymoon baby just like we’d planned. Only, we drove back into town and there was nothing left. After that, everything went to hell. When we finally came out of the fog of funerals, sifting through the remains of the cottage and shooting the sheep, you said it was too soon to get married. There was too much going on to organise a wedding.’
He looked at Alissa. ‘It didn’t have to be a big wedding. Hell, all we needed to do was go to the registry office, but every time I suggested it, Claire had a reason to delay. The night I discovered the pills, suddenly she wanted to get married. I don’t understand any of it.’
‘Claire, can you talk to this?’
Again? Pain rocked her. She’d told Alissa in an earlier session and it had wrung her out for days. But if she and Matt were to have a chance at staying together, she had to dive back into the darkness. ‘After the fire front went through and I knew you were safe, I waited for Mum and Dad to walk into the shed. With every passing hour and with every story I heard from people coming in from all over the district, I hoped against hope they would walk in next.’
Her voice broke. ‘Matt, they died driving to our wedding! Driving to me. If they hadn’t got into the car to come into town, there’s a chance they might still be alive. And on the few occasions I can bear to think about their deaths, the terror they must have gone through and the excruciating pain they must have experienced … it kills me. I feel so guilty they died.’
She reached for the tissues. ‘I’m … s-sorry, but whenever I think about our w-wedding day then, or in the f-future, instead of picturing us all happy and excited …’ She swiped away tears but it was useless. They cascaded over her lower lids and down her cheeks like water tumbling over Myrtle Falls. ‘All I ever s-see are Mum and Dad’s burnt bodies.’
‘Oh, Postie.’ He pulled her into his arms and stroked her hair.
Claire pressed herself into him, breathing him in, not caring that she was only making things harder for herself when he let her go. She buried her face in his shoulder and knew she was on borrowed time. Too soon, her eyes would start burning from Louise’s laundry powder. She hauled in another breath and realised there was no perfumed scent tingling her nostrils. She raised her head, peering at him through watery eyes.
‘Are you doing your own washing?’
‘No.’ He gave an embarrassed smile. ‘I grabbed this shirt from the house.’
His thoughtfulness pierced her clean through. She had no reserves left to withstand it and her body shuddered, aching and crying for what they’d lost. Why was the distance between love and hate such a minuscule margin and yet a wide and barren plain?
‘I can understand about the wedding,’ Matt said. ‘But I’m at a loss about the kids.’
‘I can’t do it … on my own.’
She tried to explain further but the words stuck in her throat, snagged by snot, tears and fear. Matt made soothing sounds. He was probably hoping it was enough to calm her but she felt everything collapse inside her.
‘Postie, please. You’re scaring me. Alissa, why is she saying she’s on her own? I mean, I get she’s been on her own for a few weeks but not before that. And don’t ask me how I feel or what I think. I don’t bloody know, which is why I’m asking you.’
‘After the fires and the loss of her parents, Claire’s had your love, but as you’ve conceded, not your support to help her cope with your family. All of it’s left her feeling vulnerable and alone. Add in a near-death experience that turned everything she believed about her life and her security on its head, her work that’s daily proof many children and families are struggling emotionally, and suddenly the idea of having children and protecting them from harm is a terrifying prospect.’
Claire hiccoughed. ‘She’s nailed it.’
Matt rubbed his face. ‘I thought I was helping. I thought looking forward and making the future we’d always planned for was the answer. I didn’t realise it was making you feel so alone. That it meant you didn’t trust me or yourself to have children.’ He suddenly sagged, falling against her like he’d done in the early weeks after the fires. His voice thickened. ‘I’ve been a selfish prick. I’ve made it all about what I wanted and told myself it’s what you wanted too. I’m so sorry.’
Relief that he finally understood slid in under Claire’s grief. She cupped his damp cheeks. ‘Thank you.’
‘I love you, Postie. So very much.’
Once she’d thought loving and being loved by Matt was enough to guarantee their survival as a couple. The fires had obliterated that notion. Today, he’d finally heard her and she appreciated how hard it was for him to face the revelations. But she doubted it was going to be enough to save them. His need for children was almost as strong as his need to breathe and she didn’t feel the same way. The thought of motherhood scared her rigid. More than anything in the world, she didn’t want to stomp on his heart again, but she couldn’t see any way around it.
‘I love you too, honey. You give my life meaning but—’ Her heart raced and she had to push the words she needed to say to the front of her mouth. ‘It’s just … right now I can’t promise you I’ll change my mind about having kids.’
He closed his eyes. She anticipated that when he opened them, she’d see sadness and regret in their rainforest depths and know that their relationship was truly over.
‘How about we put kids on the back burner for now and work on the more immediate things?’ he said.
Shock made her blink. ‘You’re prepared to do that?’
‘I think I owe it to you. Are you up to working with me?’
A voice inside her screamed, Yes. But she said, ‘We’re going to need some help.’
He gave a wry smile. ‘I reckon Alissa will be happy to grill us on how we feel about stuff, right, Alissa?’
The counsellor stood. ‘Another session can be arranged. Your hour is up.’
‘We’ll be in touch then.’ Matt ripped a heap of tissues from the box, grabbed Claire firmly by the hand and walked them outside into the rippling summer heat. He gazed down at her, his expression pleading. ‘Please, can I come home?’
She replied with a kiss.