Chapter Sixteen

No matter how hard she tried, Gwen couldn’t stop thinking about Carter and all the time they’d spent together. In her quiet moments, in between patients, and at night before she fell asleep, her mind flashed back to the design lab. The memory of his strong body wrapped around her back ignited yearnings she wasn’t sure she’d feel again, at least not until her child was old enough to be shipped off to college.

She had wanted Carter so badly, and had thought she’d seen the same in his gaze. But that was ridiculous. Wasn’t it? Sure, they enjoyed each other’s company, but he had his pick of Washington’s elite women. How could he be interested in a former foster girl with a swelling belly? That question would remain unanswered, if only because Gwen intended to stay focused on their project, and out of arm’s length.

And that’s what made Carter’s question the following Saturday evening so difficult to answer.

“Hello? Earth to Gwen.” He leaned across the work table in Work It Gear’s design lab and smiled. “I said we’re done here. Do you want to grab dinner? We could go someplace nice.”

She’d heard him the first time but was struggling to answer. The term “someplace nice” reminded her of his first attempt to take her to Bezu, the fancy French restaurant. In her standard workout clothes, she wasn’t dressed for a decent eatery. But they’d been working all day fine-tuning the stabilizing design and running bio-mechanical computer tests. It was time to eat. Their casual carry-out lunch had worn off a while ago and now her stomach was rumbling. Well past the halfway mark, she’d finally learned to balance her eating. The morning sickness was long gone, but she still needed to nibble every few hours to prevent getting lightheaded or nauseous.

“We could just go home instead. I’m sure Loretta’s planned something for us,” she finally answered.

“I doubt it. Thanks to you and Dad’s terrific progress, Mother’s attending another charity event tonight.” The wonder was evident on Carter’s face. Even though she administered physical therapy for a living, she, too, was astonished by Rocky’s improvement. And now that he was determined to get better, she had no doubt he would.

Carter continued, “I’m sure she told Loretta not to bother. Come on, I know a great little place just down the road.” He scooped up his papers.

She stood, stiff and already awkward. “But I’m not dressed for someplace nice.” Then gestured to her stretchy pants and lycra top. Unless he was thinking of a combination restaurant-yoga studio. Then she’d fit right in.

He grinned. “Sure you are. Don’t you know some of the best places in town are dives?”

…

When Carter pulled his shiny black Jaguar into the uneven parking lot, Gwen gasped. He wasn’t kidding. City Barbecue was more than a dive, with its rusted aluminum siding and stilted front porch it, was little more than a shack.

She looked at him. “I’ve got to admit I’m shocked.”

“Why?”

“Well, you’re the king of fancy cuisine. It’s a little hard to imagine you’d actually pick this place on your own.”

He took mock offense. “Hey, I’m not as stuck up as you think.” She hitched her brow and he threw up his hands. “Okay, I confess, I found it on the Internet, but it’s supposed to be great. I didn’t think you’d mind.”

“I don’t.” She yanked the car handle and stepped out of the car.

The rich, hickory barbecue scent wafted from the smokestack to her nostrils. It was divine. Her mouth watered. Then something fluttered in her tummy.

“Oh.” Her hand flew to her abdomen.

“Is everything okay?” he asked as he jogged around to her side of the car, his voice filled with concern.

“Yes.” She beamed. “I think I just felt the baby kick for the first time.”

“Really?” He gazed at her expectantly.

“I’ve been feeling something strange for the last week or so, but wasn’t sure if it was hunger pangs or something else. But that was pretty obviously a jab.” Gwen moved her palm around her midsection, pressing ever so slightly. “And there it was again.” She giggled. “Do you want to see if you can feel it, too?” She held out her hand to him.

Carter looked like a deer caught in front of a semi-truck. “Uh, sure. I guess. O-okay.”

“Ooh, there was another one. Quick! Before it stops.”

He awkwardly stretched out his fingers. She grabbed his hand and placed it firmly against the lower half of her swell. Obediently, the baby thumped back.

His jaw dropped. “There’s a baby in there.” His expression morphed from one of astonishment to something she couldn’t quite make out. Was it sadness?

“Of course there is, silly. In fact, I think it’s a girl.” She moved his hand once more to follow the fleeting movement, but the little bundle was done entertaining them.

She suddenly realized her hand was gripping his. This was a clear violation of her vow to steer clear of him. Caught up in her enthusiasm about the baby, she just wanted to share her excitement with someone, anyone. Was it so horrible that person was Carter?

In that moment, Gwen understood how deeply lonely she was. It struck her like a hammer. Growing up as a foster child she was used to squelching her need for love in order to be strong, independent, and alone. It was her armor against heartbreak and sorrow. She’d worn that protective covering as an adult, too, limiting her relationships to a select group of people, usually those in her immediate circle.

She had Stan, but he’d come into her life late and was more of a grandfather figure. Emerson was her best and only friend because they’d met in graduate school and started at Walter Reed together. They talked about work and his revolving-door relationships, but really nothing more. She’d lost track of the people she’d met in college and the scores of others she’d lived with in the foster system. As for love, though she’d dated, she’d never experienced a real, deep, and abiding match. Until now, that hadn’t bothered her. It wasn’t as if she thought those sorts of connections actually existed outside of movies and romance novels, at least for people like her. But she’d just experienced the first tangible proof of her baby’s prenatal existence and vitality and wanted to share it with the world. Too bad she’d shut out the world a long time ago.

Carter slipped out of her grasp. “Shall we go in?” He looked as if he didn’t know what to do with his hands.

Unbidden, her eyes misted and her throat tightened on a sob. “Forgive me. I’m a little…emotional.” Her palms flew to her face and she pressed down on watery eyes. “God, what’s wrong with me?” How could she go from euphoria one moment to public crying the next? She was usually so in control.

“Maybe it’s the pregnancy hormones. I hear they’re pretty wicked.”

“Yeah, that’s it.” She laughed and sniffed at her now runny nose. “I’m a crazy pregnant lady.” She looked down at the cracked pavement and shook her head.

“That’s not what I mean.” He reached out and gently lifted her chin. “Hey, this is an emotional experience. Feeling your baby for the first time has got to be one of the most special things in a woman’s life. Don’t be embarrassed by it. Embrace it.” His smile was warm, filled with compassion and understanding.

“Thanks.” She nodded, her heart filled with a mother’s protective love and pride. Collecting herself, she took a deep breath and said, “Hey, how about that dinner? I’m starving and it smells delicious.”

Inside, they got a table right away and an overly friendly waitress brought them some menus. From the way she ogled Carter, Gwen suspected their waitress wasn’t normally so attentive to her customers. The service with an extra-wide smile was purely for his benefit. They ordered pulled pork sandwiches, sweet potato fries, corn on the cob, and two side orders of macaroni and cheese and collard greens. It was more than she normally ate in a sitting but the menu looked so good, it was too hard to pick.

After the waitress brought their drinks, Carter leaned his forearms on the table. “Despite all the time we’ve spent together lately, it occurs to me that beyond knowing you’re exceptionally talented at redesigning shoes for therapeutic purposes, I don’t know much more about you.”

Gwen nearly choked on her lemonade. This was exactly what she’d hoped to avoid. The more Carter knew about her past, the more likely he’d be to get the wrong idea about her. Unless he already knew, and was testing to see if she’d admit it. “Well, there’s not much to tell, really.” She shrugged, hoping that would be enough to change the subject.

He shook his head. “That can’t possibly be true. You’re bright and accomplished, yet unassuming and not at all arrogant. There’s got to be a reason for it.”

Sure there was, but she wasn’t likely to tell him. “I don’t know. I guess it’s got to do with my upbringing.” That was as far as she could safely go. She scanned his response for some evidence that he was aware of her tumultuous youth, but there was none.

“Okay, then start there. Where are you from?” He took a swig of beer. “I assume D.C. because you’re so close with Stan.”

“Yup. D.C. How about you?” She smiled.

“I was born in Texas, when my father was with the Cowboys, but we bounced around a lot in those days. We didn’t find a permanent home until he signed with the Redskins.” He reached for one of the buttermilk biscuits the waitress had just dropped off. “Where in D.C.?” His expression was open and unguarded so Gwen felt reasonably sure this wasn’t a test. Damn. He wasn’t going to be easily re-directed.

“In the city. Northwest, mostly, but I’ve lived all over the District.” She grabbed her own biscuit, broke off a flaky piece, and popped it in her mouth. Its buttery-infused decadence melted on her tongue.

“What about school? You must have left the city for college.”

“Actually, I didn’t. George Washington University has great scholarship programs for D.C. residents.” Of course, those scholarships only went to the most underprivileged, but Carter didn’t need to know that. “I went there for both my undergrad and graduate training. It was kind of nice to stay in one place.”

“So you’ve never traveled?” He seemed shocked, as if every twenty-five year old should have backpacked across Europe or been on safari in Africa.

“Well, I’ve been to the Kings Dominion amusement park in Virginia and obviously I live in Maryland now, but yeah, that’s about it.”

He laughed. “There’s far more to see beyond the borders of Virginia and Maryland, I assure you.”

“Hey.” She batted him with her paper napkin. “I only graduated last year. Cut me some slack. I haven’t had much opportunity to get out in the wild.”

The waitress brought their heaping plates of food. As hungry as she was, Gwen wasn’t sure she’d even be able to eat half of it. But that didn’t mean she wouldn’t try. One bite was all she needed to know this was one of the best restaurants she’d ever eaten in, dive or not.

“Well, I hope you do get a chance to get abroad,” Carter said as he dug in. “The world is a big place, I’m sure you’d enjoy seeing it. Did Ben ever tell you all the places he’d been?”

It was an innocent question but it struck her like a ten-ton weight. Gwen swallowed hard. Over the past weeks she’d hardly thought about Ben. Not that she’d spent much time pining for him since their encounter, but the pregnancy had certainly brought him front and center to her mind. Ever since Carter and she had made up and started working on the stabilizing shoes, the tiny space she’d reserved for Ben had been taken up by other thoughts. If she were being honest, most of those centered around Carter.

“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have brought him up. I’m sure it’s difficult to think about him.” Carter glanced down at the red and white vinyl tablecloth.

It was time to tell the truth, at least about Ben. “Actually, it’s probably not as hard as you think.” She winced, anticipating his reaction.

He looked up, his brow furrowed. “What do you mean?”

Drawing a deep breath, she looked up at the ceiling to try and form the words in her head. “Ben and I weren’t as close as you might imagine.”

He leaned back. “No?” His shoulders stiffened, as if guarding himself from some cruel confession.

Oh no, he’d misunderstood. He probably thought she was about to reveal that she’d lied about the pregnancy.

Gwen shook her head. “Don’t get me wrong. We were together, and this is absolutely, without a doubt, his baby.”

Carter exhaled and his posture eased. “Okay. But I don’t understand. I thought you two were a couple. I mean, I assumed you were. Ben wasn’t the sort of guy to engage in casual attachments.”

“Well then, I guess I was special. Sort of.” She laughed half-heartedly. “Because ours wasn’t what I’d call a formal arrangement. In fact, it was about as informal as you can get.” She bit her lip.

The pieces must have clicked together in Carter’s mind. “O-oh.” He nodded as full realization dawned.

If she could evaporate into thin air and disappear forever, she would. This was the very definition of mortification: bone deep, soul wrenching, and eviscerating. Now that he knew the truth, Carter probably thought she was a reckless, thrill-seeking floozy. Definitely not a candidate for a Mother-To-Be of the Year award.

She sighed. “I don’t know how to explain it. We’d known each other a bit, and were friendly as therapist and patient, but I never thought I’d see him again after he was discharged from my care. Then, the afternoon before he went back to Afghanistan he came by the office and asked me out. I figured it was harmless, I mean what could possibly happen at dinner?” She placed her hand on her belly. “It turns out a lot more than I thought.”

Carter’s face hung slack. “I think he knew he was going to die.”

That yanked her from her miserable self-pity party. “What? How could he possibly know that?”

“It was his fourth tour. Statistically, the odds were against him. But more than that, I think he must have known, in his gut, he wasn’t coming home.”

“Why?”

Carter put down his fork. “The day before he left he stopped by Work It Gear to say good-bye. He’d never done that before. He’d already been to the house to see our parents so I was surprised when he showed up. Ben didn’t have anything specific to say, and we just sat in my office shooting the breeze, but I definitely got the sense he wanted to linger. Like maybe he knew he’d never be back. And then on his way out, he gave me something.” Carter leaned to his side, slipped his hand into his jeans pocket, then retrieved a shiny gold coin. “This is his Service in War commemorative coin.” He handed it to Gwen. On the front were depictions of soldiers from the Continental Army, Civil War, World Wars I and II, and the modern era. The back displayed the US Army emblem.

“It’s beautiful,” she said, then passed it back.

“Thanks. I’ve carried it with me since the day he left. He said it represented the two most important qualities in a man: loyalty and commitment. Ben was nothing if not honorable.” He flipped the coin with his fingers as he shook his head. “When he gave it to me, I thought he was being maudlin, but now I realize he was trying to tell me something. This was a going away present. I was just too blind to realize it.” Carter’s eyes welled up and he turned his head to look out the window at the darkened parking lot.

Gwen reached across the table and clasped his forearm. “Don’t beat yourself up. You had no way of knowing. He had an equally good chance of making it home alive.”

“I wish that were the truth. I just don’t understand why he was so gung ho. Don’t get me wrong. I get that he wanted to serve his country, but he’d already served three tours. Why did he have to do another?”

Gwen’s heart broke to see him so hurt. She didn’t have a sibling of her own, but she could imagine the depth of his pain and ached to heal it. “It was a part of Ben’s soul. You can understand that, can’t you? I mean, you’re practically married to Work It Gear. And you’re obviously good at business, it’s got to be your calling.”

Carter scoffed, the sound was sad and filled with remorse. “Work It Gear was never my calling. It was my duty.”

“What? Why?” Overcome by the bitterness in his voice, she slid her hand back to her side of the table.

Carter scrubbed his eyes. “I was the oldest son, the one who stayed behind. It just sort of fell to me to take it on. And since my father’s stroke, well, there’s no other option. Devon helps execute things, but the final responsibility falls to me.”

“Was there something else you would have rather done?”

Carter’s mouth turned up into a half-grin. “You’ll laugh.”

“No, I won’t.”

He nodded. “Yeah, you will.”

“What, did you want to be a circus performer or a rodeo cowboy? Because if so, then yeah, I’ll laugh. No disrespect to either of those professions, but you are neither a clown nor a cowboy.”

He rolled his eyes. “Don’t be ridiculous.”

“Okay, then try me. Your secret aspiration can’t possibly be as silly as those. Or what I wanted to be when I was young.”

“Now you’ve given me an incentive. If I tell you, you’ve got to tell me. Deal?” Gwen nodded and Carter took a deep inhale. “I wanted to go to art school and become a painter.”

Well, that explained a whole lot. No wonder his designs were so beautiful.

“I can totally see that,” she said.

His head quirked. “Really?”

“Yeah. You knew an awful lot about the art at the Hirshhorn. And the way you re-shaped the stabilizer shoe last week? It was more than a design sketch. It looked like a piece of art.”

“Thanks.” He flushed and Gwen’s heart skipped a beat.

“Plus, you use words like maudlin. I mean, who says that? Only an artist with deep emotions.” She chuckled.

He laughed so hard, he nearly knocked over his beer. “Very funny. But you can’t fault me for having an impressive vocabulary. It’s the consequence of a stellar education.”

“So why don’t you do it?”

“Do what?” he asked.

“Go back to painting. At least as a hobby.”

He took a long swallow of beer. “Nah, I’m too busy with the business. Besides, I haven’t picked up a brush in years.” He waved off the memories that seemed to flood his vision. “But I give you points for trying to distract me, though it won’t work. A deal’s a deal. It’s your turn. What was your secret childhood aspiration?”

Gwen strained to find a way to express herself without revealing too much. Carter couldn’t possibly know how hard it was to dredge up these memories and put voice to her most secret longings. To be fair, she’d been the one to bring it up. And, she had promised. She couldn’t back out now.

“Mary Poppins,” she muttered.

He grinned. “You wanted to be in a musical?”

“No. I wanted to be Mary Poppins.”

“A nanny?”

How could she possibly explain? “I loved her. She was ‘practically perfect in every way.’ Strict when she had to be, but caring, too, and more importantly, she taught parents how to love their kids. She was my absolute idol. It was one of the only movies we had at the D.C. Home for Girls, so I’ve seen it a thousand times.” Her hand flew to her mouth as she realized she’d let her secret slip. Everyone who’d spent any time in D.C. knew the Home for Girls and what it did. She searched Carter’s face for any sign of prior knowledge or revulsion.

He stroked his chin. “That’s doesn’t sound strange. In fact, I think it’s pretty nice. It’ll make you a great mom.”

“You think so?” Her voice broke. He didn’t seem fazed by her admission. Maybe it didn’t matter. Maybe she’d been worried for nothing. And he’d just said he thought she’d be a good mother. “It’s all I want. I know I’m a good physical therapist, but there’s no way it can ever be as fulfilling as raising a child. I want to do this right and set a good example so I raise a good human being. It’ll be tough, juggling everything as a single mom, but I’m determined.”

“You don’t have to work. Once the paternity is established, the child will be the heir to the Anderson fortune. As her, or his, mother, you can live very comfortably for the rest of your days.”

The very idea left a bitter taste in her mouth. She shook her head. “No, I can’t. I didn’t do anything to deserve that money. And I’ve got a job that pays me well enough that I don’t need it.”

He raised his brow. “But the baby is entitled to an inheritance. Don’t you want what’s best for her?”

“Of course I do. I can’t stop you from setting up a trust she can have after she’s an adult, but I have no intention of using it.”

“Why?” He seemed mystified.

How to explain without sounding ungrateful? “I don’t want this child to depend on other people’s generosity. As permanent as it may seem, it can disappear in a flash and then you’re left to your own devices. I want to teach her the importance of working hard for what she’s got, to earn something on her own. The only way to model that behavior is to accomplish something myself.”

He raised his bottle to her. “Then in that case, here’s to accomplishment.”

Gwen clanked her lemonade against his beer and took a drink. Glancing out the window, she realized how dark it was outside and how few cars remained in the parking lot. “What time is it?” Although it felt like they’d just sat down, it was obvious they’d been there for hours.

He looked at his watch. “It’s late.”

She yawned.

Chuckling he said, “Yup, it’s time to get you home.”

The drive back to River View was companionable yet quiet. Being with Carter was easy. They had shared a lot during their dinner, more than she ever expected, but for some reason it felt right. She wished there was some way to prolong their evening, but with her growing fatigue that seemed impossible. She was tired and needed sleep.

When he pulled up to the house, he climbed out of the car and walked around to open her side. “Mademoiselle.” He extended his hand to help her out of the low-slung car.

Gratefully, she took it. “Thanks.” Once free, he looped his arm around hers to steady her over the gravel drive.

At the top of the stone steps, Carter turned toward her. “Today was nice.” His blue eyes reflected the chandelier above the threshold.

Her breath tightened. He was right. It had been the best day she’d had in ages. Because she’d spent it with him. Her cheeks rounded as she grinned. “Yes, it was. I’ve really enjoyed working with you. Even though I barely know what I’m doing, it was fun.”

“You’re a natural.” He inched closer and reached his hand to brush a few stray hairs from her face. “I liked our dinner.” His lips turned up softly at the edges.

Her knees turned to jelly. “Me, too.” Her heart skittered in her chest. It was all she could do to keep from launching herself at him. Overcome with longing, her brain clouded, muting rational concern for right and wrong. Suddenly her pregnancy, the baby’s paternity, and Carter’s relationship to Ben were irrelevant. She wanted Carter, wanted to feel him against her, around her, consuming her in every way possible.

His gaze deepened as he ran the back of his fingers down her jaw. “You are an intriguing woman, Gwen Radley. There’s so much more I want to know.”

She tilted her head toward his. “All you have to do is ask.”

With that, his lids shut and he leaned in, placing his lips against hers.