Saturday morning, Lana drove her Subaru down the broad lane toward the park, a warm, sweet satisfaction filling her at the accomplishment. With Aaron sitting beside her, it seemed she could drive anywhere. At least today she’d driven farther than the last time, and the weird panic hadn’t arrived. Last night’s rains had turned to a soft mist. The sun hadn’t yet burned away an unusual summer fog. When Aaron had shown up at her apartment, she hadn’t let him inside. She’d simply walked out and they left. She didn’t think she’d be ready any time soon for him to come inside and see her place. To be alone with a man in her apartment would feel…insecure. But right now…right here with Aaron in her car, she felt extremely safe.
She couldn’t help but smile broadly. “This is wonderful. Feels like old times.”
“I’m glad.”
His voice was mild, but it lacked the familiar spark she was used to hearing from him.
“Something wrong?” she asked as they grew closer to the park.
“No.”
“I don’t believe you.”
He made a half-choking sound. “The longer I know you, the more exasperating you get.”
She sighed. “This is the real me, Aaron. The real me before the kidnapping. Let’s just say I’m finding my footing slowly but surely. I wasn’t a shrinking violet before Costa Rica. I was just put in a shell for a while. I’m breaking out.”
This time when she tossed a glance at him, a big smile came out of him.
“Yeah, I can see that,” he said.
On a roll, she switched to a southern accent. Which southern accent, she didn’t know. “Do you like women who are quiet and sit around agreeing with everything their man says? Can I bake you a pie, mister?”
He laughed, a warm and from the belly sound. “Hell, no. I like a woman who speaks her mind but…”
She made the turn into the park. “But?”
“It has nothing to do with you. My brain is just scrambled today. I haven’t slept well the last three nights.”
“Oh?”
“Yeah.”
“Can I ask why?”
“You can, but I won’t answer.”
Frustration bit at her, but she took a deep breath. As she slid into a parking space, she noted the entire park looked deserted. “Good, we’ll have the place to ourselves.”
When she opened the door, he asked, “Where are you going?”
“I love it when the weather is like this. I like the cool air in my lungs. I’m walking to that gazebo over there. Looks like a nice place to sit.”
They got out of the car, and she locked it. They started the short walk down a dirt path between small trees and well-manicured grass. The picnic table under the gazebo was mostly dry, and she picked a place to sit. Aaron chose to lean against the latticework railing across from her. She drew in the damp air and savored it. She’d worn a windbreaker over a T-shirt and jeans. Aaron had on a long-sleeved polo shirt and jeans. It couldn’t be more than sixty out, but the humidity made it feel cooler.
“This feels good.” She closed her eyes and enjoyed the damp air on her skin. She unzipped the wind breaker.
He cleared his throat, and she looked at him. That devouring gaze was back in his eyes, and it started a familiar humming in her body. A sweet, stirring desire to know more of him both physically and mentally.
“What do you think of our little therapy group so far?” she asked.
“Interesting.”
“Is that good or bad?”
“It’s just interesting. We’ve got a mix of people in there who want to get better. People like Elliot and Richard, yourself. Then we have Roxanne and Magnus. They’re a piece of work.”
“I’d agree with that. What about you? Where do you fall in the group?”
“Good question. Somewhere in between I guess.”
That piqued her interest. She knew her next statement would challenge him. “I wouldn’t say you don’t want to get better. Maybe you still don’t believe you need the help.”
He scratched his head. “I don’t know.
“Do you sometimes feel as if you don’t know where to start? As if whatever is going on with you is so complicated there’s no way to understand it? Ever?”
His eyes pinpointed her intently. “I’ve never heard anyone describe it like that before, but yeah. Exactly like that.”
“Do you get depressed about it?”
“I don’t know if I’d call it depressed. Discouraged maybe. I want things to go back the way they were before. I used to shrug off deployments, to recover physically and mentally very fast. Prior to retirement, on my last deployment…well, it didn’t work that way.”
“Where was your last deployment?”
He turned away from her to cup the railing with both hands and look out over the green, but she could still hear his voice. “Camp Constitution, Afghanistan. Stuff happened. More intense and worse than any other deployment I had as Force Recon.”
“Tell me more.”
He turned back to her. He stuffed his hands in jeans pockets. “I don’t know where to start.”
“Start anywhere.”
“I’ve had the same nightmare two nights in a row.” His voice was a quiet, deep sound. “That’s what makes it hard to sleep.”
“Oh, no.” What did she say to that? She was gratified and surprised he’d told her. “Do you remember it? The details?”
His gaze turned bleak. “Yeah.”
He looked into the foggy distance as she wondered what horrible images formed in his mind.
She’d take a chance and ask once more. “Do you want to talk about it?”
He closed his eyes for a few seconds, and then returned his attention to her. “Yeah, but I don’t know if I can.”
“Maybe it’ll be easier to tell me than in group therapy.”
“I know it would be easier to tell you.”
She waited. And waited.
He said, “I haven’t had the dream in a long time. Weeks. So I was surprised that I had it Thursday night and Friday night.”
“Maybe the group therapy is bringing it up. Did the dream make sense to you?”
“Yeah. It’s not freaky or unrealistic like most dreams. It’s the real deal.”
“Real deal?”
“What happens in the dream occurred in Afghanistan. We were at Camp Constitution. This one guy, Sergeant Fillman, was a totally with-it marine. Someone I would have trusted with my life. One day he came at me with a weapon.”
Cold goose bumps skittered over her body. Her stomach sank. “Oh, God.”
“I was outside, we’d just gotten back from this royally fucked up—” He glanced at her. “Sorry.”
“Don’t worry. Remember, I said I don’t care about cursing.”
“Okay, then. This royal clusterfuck, asshole of a recon. But we survived it. We killed several insurgents and none of us got hurt.”
“So why was it a fucked-up, asshole of a recon?”
“Because if a Force Recon unit has to engage the enemy, we consider it a failure in a way. We pride ourselves on stealth.” He rubbed one hand over his face. “It’s a long story, but things didn’t go as they should have. I considered it a personal failure.”
“You can’t control everything.”
He smiled, but there was no humor in it. “Still a failure in terms of mission.” She nodded and waited for him to continue. “Fillman was a good guy. A few years younger than me, tougher than hell. Everyone considered him a stable, reliable marine. Anyway, he walked toward me with this look on his face…the only way I can describe it is pure depression. Sadness so thick you can taste it.”
He paused, and the suspense tied her in knots. She had to know. “And?”
“He lifted his weapon and pointed it right at me. I froze. Everybody froze. Right that minute I knew I was dead. The enemy wasn’t going to take me out, but a marine. I freaking couldn’t move and couldn’t speak.”
She thought of the moments where she’d been in the dark hut, the prison where they’d kept her two weeks in Costa Rica. “I know the feeling.”
He returned his gaze to hers. “Do you?”
“Not combat obviously, but…” She held her hands up. “Sorry. This isn’t about me. Go on.”
He nodded. “Everything happened fast, but I swear it felt like things were moving in slow motion. I thought of my sisters, my parents. Friends. My entire almost-twenty years in the marines would end with being murdered by a marine. I didn’t know why. What had I done to warrant this guy wanting to cap me?”
The chills racked her again, and she rubbed her arms.
He continued. “The next second he put the gun to his temple and blew his brains out.”
Bile rose to her throat as she realized if Fillman had chosen a different path, this amazing man standing in front of her wouldn’t be here. Tears surged to her eyes as she put one hand to her chest. “Aaron. That’s…oh, my God, that’s terrible.”
He didn’t speak, his gaze glued to the gazebo floor. She almost felt the waves of pain coming off of him.
“Aaron, why did he do it? Why did he point at you and why did he kill himself?”
“Your guess is as good as everyone else’s. It was the most screwy, unbelievable thing I’ve witnessed. Ever. There was an investigation and it led to nothing. He didn’t have a girlfriend, his parents were dead, he had no other family to mourn him. It sucked. Sucked bigger and harder than anything the marines had thrown at me before because I couldn’t figure it out.”
“Had he been in the marines a long time?”
“Yes.”
“He’d seen a lot of action?” she asked.
“Yes.”
There it was. “Perhaps that’s why you dream about it. Because in your mind, there has to be a reason for what he did, and you still want to know why. It haunts you.”
His gaze returned to hers, filled with hurt and paradoxically a new understanding. “You could be right.”
“Have you told this story to anyone before?”
“People in the marines know. The story got around. It isn’t a secret.”
“But did you tell VA counselors?”
“Yes. It was also what my lawyer told the judge.”
“And that’s why he decided it was therapy and not jail.”
“Yep.”
“I think that was a good call on his part.”
“Was it?” he asked.
She stood and walked toward him slowly, but she came to a halt quickly. “How would jail have helped you? Other than making you miserable and punishing you. You’re not a criminal.”
“Yeah, I am. I assaulted a guy.”
“So you think you should have been tossed in jail? Do you think that would have solved your problems?”
“I’m not sure group therapy is going to fix me.”
Exasperation made her say, “It almost sounds like you want to be punished.”
One corner of his mouth quirked up. “Maybe I should be. Fillman killed himself. He needed help and no one knew it. We failed.”
“We?”
“The Marine Corps. The military. Everyone. There are men and women out there dying right and left because they can’t handle what happened to them in war.”
“People are better at trying to help vets than in the past.”
“I get that. Doesn’t mean what we’ve done works well enough.”
“All we can do is try, Aaron. Nothing is perfect.”
He smiled ruefully. “You know what, you’re too damned smart.”
“Is that a compliment?”
“Yes.”
She felt the heat rising in her face and switched gears. “You think that one incident brought you to where you are today?”
“It was the only thing I could think of that maybe fucked me up this badly.”
She tilted her head to the side, her thoughts running full speed. “Do you really think you’re messed up? I mean, you seem like you’re doing fairly well in life.”
“Fairly well isn’t good enough.”
“You’re going to be stubborn about this, aren’t you?” she asked with a smile.
He returned her grin. “Yeah. Stubborn is one of my good qualities.”
A need arose inside her to comfort him. She walked closer to him. “Thank you for trusting me with the dream. It’s an honor.”
He looked down on her. “You’re the first person I’ve ever told about the nightmares.”
His revelation made her feel special, and despite the sadness she felt coming off of him, she savored the moment of trust.
“The first night I had the nightmare, I almost called you. But it was late,” he said.
“It would have been okay. If you have the nightmare again, call me. Anytime.”
“Deal. Now I’ve told you one of my secrets, it’s time for you to tell me one of yours.”
Oh. Well. Could she do that? “I don’t…” She turned away and went back to her seat.
He planted his hands on his hips. “Fair play. I showed you mine, you show me yours.”
She clasped her arms around her body, suddenly cold in the drifting mist. The sounds of the city, a horn honking, and cars going past on the road nearby, faded away.
“Like you, I’m not sure where to start,” she said.
“Tell me one small detail. That’s all.”
She could do that. She took a shuddering breath. Thinking of the day she’d been kidnapped and every day after took effort. “I’ve sort of pushed much of it to the side. I can’t live in the past.”
“Doesn’t matter if that’s what you want. Shit keeps floating to the top, doesn’t it?”
His blunt way of speaking would have put off a lot of women, but she found it refreshing. He might hide a lot, but most of him was real and up front.
“Aaron, that doesn’t mean I have to concentrate on what’s wrong. I’d rather concentrate on what’s right.”
“I’ll give you that. Addy seems to have let you off the hook. Both of us. We haven’t said much about our real experiences yet in the group.”
She shivered. “She has let us off the hook so far, but the day of reckoning will come.”
His eyes narrowed. “So you’re all about other people revealing their soft spot, but not your own?”
Shame spiked inside her. “I don’t think that’s it.” She felt defensive. “Without sounding like the woman in my online group, I feel like I am screwed up more than you are. I don’t know what incident to talk about.”
“Start anywhere.”
She stood up and walked across the gazebo, and then turned around to look at him. “There’s too much. I have trouble driving, nightmares, palpitations, irrational fears, mistrust. How is your PTSD influencing you other than punching people out?”
He walked slowly toward her, a big, impressive man. Her breath felt short, but not because she was afraid. Because he made her feel things she didn’t wish to feel. Attraction, sexual arousal, the whole ball of wax. Most of all, she admired him far more than she should for such a short acquaintance and that worried her.
He stopped, close but not too close. “I’m a friggin’ mess.”
“How?”
“Half the time I want to stay in bed and read. I don’t want to go anywhere or be with anybody. I don’t want to engage with the world. Noises are sometimes too loud. Certain noises make me want to take cover. I lack motivation and drive.”
She smiled. “I don’t know whether to be comforted or not. That’s the way I am. I used to take long walks in my neighborhood. I got a treadmill instead. I’m afraid there’s a bogeyman around every corner. I hate that I’m constrained by my own mind. My own brain is stifling me.”
He moved closer, and she drew in a deep breath. Being this near him drove her nuts. He smelled so good—a mix of musk and man that didn’t shout but subtly teased.
“See? We’re both a mess,” he said.
“You seem pretty together most of the time. Are you going to share what you told me with the group?”
“I don’t know.”
“You’ll have to share more than you have, or Addy won’t sign off on the paperwork that says you’re good to go.”
“I know.”
If she said the right thing, the right way, she might get through to him. “Is there a particular reason you don’t want to share this with the group? Is it too embarrassing?”
A thoughtful look came into his eyes. “In a way, yes. I’ve made it through all these things, all this war, and yet suddenly I can’t run my own life when I’m not in a war. It’s lame.”
She shook her head. “No, it’s not. What you described to me, let alone anything else that happened in your career, would scar anyone. If you let people like Roxanne and Magnus keep you from talking about it, then they win. Show them how brave you really are by telling the truth and what happened to you.”
Irritation flashed over his face. “I don’t give a crap what Magnus, Roxanne, or anyone else thinks about me.”
She shrugged. “Well…of course. I think it’s good you don’t care so much about their opinion. But if that’s really true, then why can’t you just be honest with the group and talk? I’m not liking it, either, but at some point I’ll have to tell them everything.”
He stayed silent, but she could almost see the wheels spinning in his mind. Finally he answered. “I don’t know. That’s another mystery.” He smiled. “Damn, woman. You’re not only beautiful, you’re a genius.”
Once more heat filled her face. “Stop. Besides, you already said that.”
“I’m telling the truth now too. You’re smart and beautiful. That’s how I see you.”
She looked at the ground a minute, flattered more than she wanted to be. “Well, thank you.” She touched his shoulder as a wave of concern came over her. “Make me a promise?”
“If I can.” His voice was soft.
“Whatever you do, don’t give up.”
“What do you mean?”
A fear rose to the surface inside her. “If you ever feel bad…so bad you might want to do something to yourself, please call me.”
His brows lowered, and he shifted even closer. “I have no plans to off myself like Fillman did. I understand some people get to that point and they aren’t thinking right anymore. They just can’t see their way out. I get that. But I’d never hurt my family like that. It would kill them.”
“Good.” Relief snaked through her, and she allowed her hand to drop from his shoulder. “I just…”
“Yeah?”
“Right after I got back from Costa Rica, they stuck me with a counselor. One my parents found for me in Montana. A crisis counselor who’d dealt with situations like mine before. I sat in this waiting room with another patient who was waiting to see a different counselor. She seemed like such a together, happy person.” Tears touched her eyes, and she sucked in another deep breath. “The week after, I asked about her when I was at the office. I was telling the receptionist that the patient seemed so together. The receptionist’s face fell, and I knew something was wrong. She wasn’t supposed to tell me, but…the woman had committed suicide the morning after we talked.” She put her hand to her throat. “She hanged herself. Aaron, she seemed so happy.”
A tear escaped, and she wiped it away.
“Damn,” he said softly. “You’ve known too many people who’ve offed themselves. Shit.”
A second later he tugged her into his arms and hugged her fiercely, her head tucked against his shoulder. Gloriously strong arms enclosed her around the waist and back. She could feel every solid inch of muscle along his chest, stomach, and thighs. She melted into his warmth. She hadn’t felt this way around a man in ages…perhaps never. Arousal rose hot and thick in her veins. She looked up at him, and the tension hung taut and certain. His attention was ravenous, his gaze hungry. His warm breath teased her mouth. Need overran sadness.
She almost held her breath, the moment stretching between them and ready to snap. He tangled his fingers into her hair at the back of her head, holding her in place. She sensed the dragon in him, the wild animal hovering on the edge of leaping. He leaned in, and her eyes closed.
His mouth feathered over hers, so uncertain. He seemed to tremble on the edge, awaiting the slightest signal. Permission to plunge over the side. She felt the surrender inside her, the desire to let go, sheltered by his arms and the cloaking mist. Small trees around them seemed to sigh, leaves rustling as she clutched at his waist and held on tight. Kissing her softly, sweetly, he asked and she wanted to give. He didn’t force or press, but coaxed as she responded. He teased her until their kiss grew in fervor. Without thinking, she arched into his body and pressed against his strength.
Seconds turned into an eternity as they explored. Desire slammed into her full force. She wanted the kiss to go deeper, his tongue in her mouth. She’d once heard that everyone kissed differently, and yet she’d never believed it. With her husband she’d thought she knew passion, but how wrong she’d been. This man drew her into an intoxicating place she’d never experienced before this moment. Every movement of his lips over hers sent a wild shiver through her.
Oh, God. Hot streaks of arousal made her long for more. Here. Now. Without consequence or forethought.
Before the kiss could fall into a more intimate place, he drew back slightly. They were both breathing a little harder.
“Jesus, you’re so damned pretty,” he said, his eyes burning with obvious desire.
She tilted her head to the side and laughed. “Aaron, you don’t have to say that.”
His hands sifted through her hair, and he cupped her face. “Damn. Are all the men in Colorado stupid?”
She clasped his wrists for a minute. “Well, has any woman ever told you you’re hot?”
He snorted a laugh. “Hell, no.”
“You are.” She grinned, but pulled slowly from his embrace. “But I think this is…”
What could she call it? Too soon? Too fast? Too…exciting?
“What?” he asked, his voice a little husky.
“We should slow down.”
He planted those big hands at his waist again. He looked like a man with purpose, who didn’t often take no for an answer. But then he said, “You’re right. I’m sorry if I pushed too far. I’d never force anything on you.”
She melted under his soft expression, one with real caring. She couldn’t remember the last time any man had looked at her like this.
“Don’t apologize. We didn’t plan the kiss,” she said, her entire body still tingling all over.
“We didn’t, but I’ve been thinking of kissing you from the moment I saw you,” he said.
Surprise jumped Lana, as well as a flush of pure heat. She tried to think straight, but her mind refused to work right. Replies stumbled around in her head.
He held his hands up. “Sorry. I didn’t mean to blurt it out, but it’s true. I saw you that first day sitting in the therapy room and thought you were sexy as hell. You looked a little wounded and scared, and this crazy thing happened in me. I wanted to protect you from whatever made you afraid.”
Wow. Not only is he hot and can kiss like no one’s business, he is up front.
When she didn’t speak right away, he held his hands up again. “Damn, that was too much, too soon.”
“No, I…you just threw me off guard. I was scared of you, to be honest.”
“I’m sorry.”
“No, you have to understand. I was…I am pretty much afraid of most of the men I see. Another great side effect of my PTSD.” She moved away from him and paced the gazebo. “Okay, not most men, but certainly a guy like you.”
“A guy like me?”
“Big. Strong.” She stopped pacing long enough to meet him eye to eye. “Intimidating. You have an aura about you that says people shouldn’t mess with you.”
He smiled crookedly. “Probably why I can’t get a lot of dates.”
She doubted that, but she didn’t say it. “Look, I understand now you wouldn’t hurt me.”
“Good.”
The foggy mist was retreating, allowing a bright sun to peek through.
“The men who kidnapped me…there were twelve of them. Most of them were average-sized men. There was this one guy who was bigger than all the rest. Tall, broad shouldered, and even good-looking. Raul. He smiled at me at first when they got me back to the hut where they kept me. He acted as if he was a barrier between me and the rest of the men in his gang.”
“You trusted him?” He sounded doubtful.
“Yes and no. Yes because he did keep the other men from bothering me, and it was clear he was the boss. No, because I understood he could do whatever he wanted with me and no one there would help me.”
Anger entered his eyes and tightened his mouth. “Did he…was there…” He couldn’t seem to get the words out.
She shook her head. “Not that I know of. When I was given medical attention after the rescue, there wasn’t any sign of…rape. But there’s a part of me that doesn’t know. The dark places where the light won’t go. Parts of my memory are missing.”
Aaron’s eyes closed as he whispered, “God, I wish I could have been there for you.”
She smiled. “You didn’t even know me then.”
“I wish I had.”
“What could you have done?”
He shook his head. He didn’t speak and neither did she, and the silence grew enormous.
“Shall we go back?” she finally asked.
“Sure.”
They went back to the car, and all during the drive, she felt his presence more acutely than she had before. A kiss should have taken away the mystery and perhaps desire. He was no longer a complete unknown.
Instead, her craving him reached a higher level.
Slow down, girl. Slow down. Just because your hormones are raging doesn’t mean you have to act on it.
When they returned to the apartment, he insisted on walking her to the door.
Before he could say good-bye and turn away, she said, “Thank you.”
“For what?”
“For helping me drive. For listening to me.”
“God, Lana, it’s I who should thank you. I’m feeling good right now. It’s all your fault.”
A gentle, teasing affection mixed with her wish that his arms were around her again.
“Hell, I can’t stand it,” he said, and reached for her.
He gently tugged her into his arms for another kiss, this one hotter and deeper than their first. She dove into it, her hands spreading over his solid chest and glorying in the muscles under her fingers. His kiss fired up her need and twisted it into a brutal knot in her lower belly. She almost squirmed against him, wanting to get so much closer. His tongue dipped, a hot stroke that made her moan softly.
Oh, God. Yes.
Again and again his tongue stroked hers, taking his tender kiss into far more intimate territory. She responded, not giving a damn if the whole world saw them. His erection, thick and hard against her upper belly, thrilled her in a primal way she couldn’t deny. He wanted her, and that was gratifying. Despite the heat in their kiss, he held her gently, as if he feared scaring or hurting her. The combination of raw need and tenderness in their embrace ramped up her arousal. Before it could go any further, she pulled back from the kiss.
He leaned his forehead against hers. “Damn, woman. You’re burning me up. I’m outta here. See you Tuesday.”
He gave her one more glance, this one filled with undeniable male need, and turned to go down the steps.
“Tuesday,” she said.
After she went into the apartment and locked the door, she put her forehead against the door and groaned. “Holy crap.”
The man not only kissed like a god, she was allowing her feelings to get caught up in him. As good as it felt, she couldn’t allow him into her life this deeply. It wouldn’t be wise, not with her problems and with his. Mixing romance into the situation could prove more crazy-making than blissful.
“Forget it, Lana,” she said. “Just forget it.”
She poured herself a glass of iced tea and flopped onto the couch with her cell phone. She rang Jillie and got an immediate answer.
“Hey, girl!” Jillie’s loud voice sounded cheerful, and kids screaming in the background explained the need for volume. “Sorry for shouting, but it’s the only way I can hear above this birthday party.”
“I forgot you were going to a party. How is it?”
“There are twenty kids at this party hopped up on sugar. You’d think they were toddlers. Hold on, let me move to the other side of the yard. Maybe I can hear then.” Sounds of kids squealing eased as Jillie reached her destination. “Thank God. It’s quieter over here. What’s up? Everything good?”
Lana smiled, knowing it would show up in her voice. “Very good. I’m driving again!”
“Ahhhh. So your time with the hunk paid off again?”
“Hunk?”
“Don’t act dumb with me, girl.”
Lana laughed. “Okay, so he’s a hunk. An amazing hunk. Yes, being with him seems to help with the driving. We went to Voyager Park. Know that gazebo?”
“Yep.”
“We chatted there and talked about stuff.”
“Stuff. That sounds interesting. Like what?”
“That’s all private. I’m not going to reveal his baggage to anyone else. But let’s just say it was interesting and keep it at that.”
“He’s a good guy, right?”
“From everything I can tell. Besides, you told me he’s a war hero.”
“True.”
Lana took a sip of her tea and put it back on the coffee table. “But I’m driving myself everywhere from now on. I’m beating this thing. I can’t afford to let you or him be my crutch.”
Lana could hear Jillie draw in a huge breath. “Are you sure?”
“Yes.”
“You’ve only driven with him twice and not alone.”
“Right. But I need to do this.”
“Okay.” Jillie sounded doubtful.
Surprise hit Lana. “I thought you supported me doing this.”
“I do. I just want to make sure you aren’t jumping too fast.”
Determined, Lana said, “I’m not jumping too fast. I can do this.”
“All right.”
“I’d better let you go. Sounds like the party is rocking.”
After they hung up, Lana stayed on the couch in the quiet. Doubts crept in like insidious predators. Was there a possibility she’d moved too quickly with wanting to drive on her own? She reassessed, and as the doubts seized her in a nasty grip, she considered calling Aaron.
No. She had to do this without his help. If she wanted to salvage self-confidence, she must create the right atmosphere in her own mind. She would do this. Unlike Magnus and Roxanne, she would take this bull and ride it, stay on the seconds it required. She would become the person she’d been before Costa Rica.