Lana had never been to these apartments before. As she drew into the parking space across from Aaron’s reserved covered parking, she was grateful the rain had stopped not too long after they left the medical building. Night had fallen, and driving in heavy rain like that wouldn’t have been her favorite adventure. Aaron had given her directions to the apartment, and she’d punched it into her cell phone’s GPS. Now that she’d calmed the turmoil inside her on the drive, she wondered if she should’ve come. It wasn’t that she didn’t trust him. She did. Her instinct to follow him to his apartment had been instant and certain. Second guessing herself never worked out. She drew in a deep breath and soon she was out of the car. She looked at the apartment complex with its multiple three-story buildings. The apartments were only a few years old and had a clean and upscale look.
Aaron met her halfway across the parking lot and took her hand. While that surprised her—the holding hands part—she also loved the safe feeling.
“How did the drive feel?” he asked.
“Perfect. I wasn’t nervous.”
“Good. How about entering my apartment? You’re okay with that, right?”
“I trust you.”
“Excellent.”
He let them into his apartment and entered first. He flipped on the lights, and two lamps near the couch threw a soft glow across the room.
A trashed room.
Okay, it’s not trashed, but it’s…a mess.
She stopped in the small foyer and glanced around with a smile. So the slightly anal, uptight super-fit marine didn’t keep a tidy place. Magazines and books littered the big dark wood coffee table, and a half-full laundry basket sat on the loveseat. A mug with a dark liquid sat on the coffee table as well. Even soft lighting couldn’t hide the non-military appearance. The open-plan kitchen, with its nice dark granite countertops and upscale stainless appliances, didn’t look too bad. No dishes stacked in the sink. The place smelled clean and fresh.
“Crap.” He sighed. “Forgot that my place would look like an IED hit it.”
“You said something about this in one of the sessions or when we were talking. So I’m not surprised.”
One corner of his mouth tilted upward in a bashful smile. “You looked a little shell shocked just now.”
She returned his grin. “After what you said, I figured it would be worse. This isn’t any worse than my apartment when it’s time to clean it up.”
He sniffed. “Well, then. I feel better already.”
His levity made her laugh softly, the feeling genuinely liberating. “Good. In the meantime I’m practically dripping on your foyer.”
His gaze danced over her, hot and appreciative. Not the look she’d expect to receive considering she probably resembled a drowned rat. “Come this way. I’ve got sweats you can wear and some socks. We can hang your clothes to dry.”
“Good idea.”
She shucked her boots first so she didn’t track dirt across the blue carpet, and he did the same. His green T-shirt clung to his muscled torso, and his jeans were wet enough to mold his sexy backside. Her mouth practically watered as she watched him bend over slightly to pull off his athletic shoes. Muscles shifted and rippled over his back. Those long, strong thighs…God. She imagined touching them, feeling the power under her fingers. She wanted that with a strength that practically staggered her.
No. That isn’t going to happen now. A man wouldn’t be interested in her. Not after her revelation tonight about what she’d done to obtain good treatment from Raul.
She followed him through the large living room down to the hallway. On the right a nightlight glowed in a guest bathroom.
He pushed open the first door on the left and flicked the light switch. A lamp illuminated on a night stand. “You can change in here. I’ll get the sweats.”
Feeling a bit like an intruder, she stepped into the guest room and glanced around. A rich dark wood sleigh bed, double-sized, was centered against the far wall. A fairly large window with the green shades pulled muted the flashes of lightning still forking across the sky. A dark wood dresser sat under the window. Another door opposite the bed looked like a closet. Thunder cracked.
“Here you go.” Aaron walked in and handed her faded green sweats and a matching T-shirt with Marines printed on the front in black lettering. “They’ll be huge on you.”
She held the bundle of clothes to her chest. “I’m not a small woman.”
“Yeah, right.” His gaze swept her up and down. “Everything looks just right to me.”
Heat rushed through her body as his sizzling attention seared a new path, and she tried for weak humor. “Flattery will get you nowhere.”
“Damn.”
His husky voice rushed over her skin and sent it prickling with awareness. Awareness of him as a breath-stealing, hot hunk made her breath catch.
“I’ll leave you to change.” He closed the door.
She stripped out of the clothes and into sweats and socks. She didn’t have a mirror, but he was certainly right about the sweats being way too large. The T-shirt hung over her hips, and she decided to just put on the zip-up hoodie because it was fleece and warmer. The sleeves almost hung down over her hands, but she ignored that and jumped quickly into the sweats. She cinched up the drawstring waist and grinned at the length. She usually wore at least a thirty-two or thirty-three length pants, but these were quite a bit longer. Well, what did she expect? He was over six feet. She slipped into the large socks. Okay, this would do. At least it was warm.
She left the guest room and peeked down the hallway to the kitchen where Aaron was digging in a cabinet. “Where did you want me to put these wet clothes? The guest bathroom?”
He looked up. “Please.”
After hanging her clothes in the bathroom, she wandered toward the kitchen. He exited the kitchen and sprouted a smile. “Damn. Those are even bigger on you than I thought.”
She lifted her hands up and the cuffs flopped over her fingers. “You win. They’re huge.”
His grin didn’t fade. “Feel better?”
She drew in a slow breath and then blew it out. “Better than what?”
Suddenly his face was all serious. “At the group therapy. That was heavy stuff.”
“I’m…good. Better.”
He watched her a moment longer before returning to the kitchen. Coffee percolated, and the scent whet her appetite for a hot beverage. She slid onto a barstool at the counter.
“It’s good decaf. Would you like some?” he asked.
“Please.”
As he rattled around in a cupboard, removing coffee cups and getting out the cream, she watched him move about the kitchen with a masculine grace. He wore a dry T-shirt and a pair of sweatpants and white athletic socks. They were practically twins.
He looked out at the rain spilling relentlessly down the living room window. Wind began to howl. “Since the rain has started again, you might want to hang around awhile. You’re welcome to crash here if you want.”
The offer threw her off guard, and for a few seconds she had nothing to say. A beep alarmed from her purse where she’d left it on the couch. “Weather app on my phone.” She walked to the sofa and grabbed the phone. “Great. Severe thunderstorm. Seventy percent chance of rain.”
“That wasn’t on the weather earlier today.”
“Didn’t pay the weather man enough, I guess.”
He snorted. As the coffee pot let out a last gasp, he poured two cups. “Cream and sugar?”
“Just cream.”
She returned to the counter and settled on the barstool. As they sipped coffee, he stood across the counter opposite her. They stayed silent until she couldn’t stand it any longer.
“How do you think I handled tonight?” she asked.
“Handled it? You did a wonderful job.”
She wrinkled her nose and put down her coffee cup. “I think I shocked everyone.”
He leaned on the counter, his hands cupping the edge. “Hey, it’s group therapy. It would be amazing if someone didn’t shock us at some point.” Anger boiled in his eyes. “What you went through is something no man or woman should ever have to experience. You’re a brave woman and very strong.”
His compliment surprised her. “I’ve never felt that way.”
The pique in his eyes dissolved, replaced by regret and maybe sadness. He lowered his forearms to the counter. “You went through a hell of an ordeal and survived. If my sisters…” He swallowed hard. “I would have lost my mind. I would have moved heaven and Earth to get them back.”
Without a doubt she knew he would, and the conviction in his tone made that knowledge even more solid.
She held the hot cup in both hands and sipped the steaming liquid. A shiver ran through her. “Everyone in that room has been through hell. I’m nothing special.”
His eyes narrowed. “You’re determined not to accept praise, aren’t you?”
Lana stared at the counter, not wanting to meet his gaze. “I just don’t see the big deal. Everyone has crosses to bear. You have yours, I have mine. It doesn’t make us unique.”
He left his coffee on the counter and came around to her side. He moved in close, and his warm, clean scent sent a wave of sweet arousal through her. “A lot of people wouldn’t have survived what you did.”
She closed her eyes. “But that woman…the woman in the hut next to me wanted to survive too. Sometimes late at night I wake up and can hear her screaming. It’s as if she’s right there in the room with me.”
“Don’t,” he said softly. “Don’t torture yourself with what ifs.”
She opened her eyes and glared. “But isn’t that what you do? Don’t you close your eyes and see that marine shooting himself right in front of you? Don’t you play the what if game? You probably play it more than I do.”
He sighed. “You’re right. I do.”
So they stared at each other, a standoff of understanding and commiseration.
“We’re a fucked up pair,” he said.
She laughed, and the giggle was totally inappropriate. He laughed too. A belly laugh that made her feel better.
When they stopped laughing, they sat still in the quiet with the aroma of coffee in the air and rain drizzling down the windows.
“There’s one thing that’ll help us survive this.” Aaron stayed close, leaning on the counter but a touch away. “If we’re always honest with each other. Do me a favor and tell me the truth as you see it. Don’t hold back. I can’t always count on that with my family.”
An epiphany slammed her. “I’d love that. I can’t count on it with my family or friends, either.”
He put his hand out and they shook on it. “It’s a deal.”
He didn’t release her, and the warm strength in his grip gave her solace. As his fingers caressed hers, a tingle shot through her palm. Aaron drew her hand up and placed it on his chest, and the heat there sent a new pulse thrumming and beating within her.
“Our coffee is getting cold. Let’s sit on the couch.” His voice rumbled softly, a soothing masculine tone.
He released her and they went to the couch, settling their drinks on the glass coffee table. He sat very close, but she craved his nearness.
He sipped his drink and set it down again. He lifted his arm onto the back of the couch, and their legs bumped together. “Men frighten you after what happened, don’t they?”
She knew that he knew the answer. Yet she understood why he asked. “You know they do.”
He turned to her and tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. “We made a deal to be honest, so I’ll ask a forthright question.”
“I think you would anyway…even if we hadn’t made a deal.”
“You got that right. When I’ve kissed you, does it frighten you? Made you uncomfortable? Does sitting this close bother you?”
Amusement edged through her full-fledged attraction long enough for her to say, “That’s three questions. And no is the answer to all three.” She reached out and placed her hand over his. “From the moment you touched me…”
“Yes?” His eyes burned with interest.
“I can’t imagine any other man kissing me or touching me that way right now.”
He gathered her hand in his palms, squeezing gently, and something hungry entered his eyes. “Here’s another piece of plain truth. I don’t like the idea of another man kissing you.”
Answering desire rose like a hot river within Lana. “That sounds possessive.”
He leaned in closer, and the heat in his eyes caused her stomach to do cartwheels of excitement.
“Yeah, it is.” His voice was a deep, sensual river. “God, I’m sorry. I swear I don’t mean that in like some creepy, woman-beater way. I’d protect you with my life.”
She knew he would. This man had honorable, protective, die-for-her written all over him, but she still feared the unknown. “My husband was possessive. He accused me of cheating on him multiple times, but I never did. He didn’t like it when I visited friends, he didn’t like it when I went anywhere without him, short of me going to work. He didn’t like it if I had friends over. I became more and more isolated as time went on, and it was so slow I didn’t realize it at first.”
He drew her hand up to his mouth slowly and kissed her fingers. Delight shot through her hand and up her arm. Breathless, she waited for his next move, his next word. He told her about Addy’s warning, that perhaps they should cool it, and the desire swirling in her belly eased. Conflicting emotions bounced around inside her. She wished she could make up her mind—kiss him or leave him.
“Is that what you believe?” she asked. “That we shouldn’t date or be with each other?”
“Yes and no.”
She grinned. “Well, that’s decisive.”
“I’m one screwed up, confused, cranky marine, honey. I’m not sure I’ve decided anything. I do know that we both have a ways to go with this therapy.”
“So you’ve decided the group therapy is helping you? When I first met you, you were saying that you weren’t sure you needed help.”
“I’ve decided to stop being so stupid. Something has to give. My life isn’t rocking the way it should be, and that’s no one’s fault but mine.”
“Do you feel you’ve made progress already?”
He nodded, and the gentle smile on his lips proved his agreement. “Yeah, I do. A lot. Some of it is your fault.”
Her eyebrows went up as surprise hit her. “Why?”
“Because you’ve made me think, you’ve made me take a step back and think about someone other than myself. I’ve been wallowing and lost. I tried to keep all the bullshit I saw and did walled up inside. I figured if I just didn’t talk about it, it would go away on its own. It didn’t. When I’m around you, I feel like there’s a chance I can dig myself out of this mess.”
A wave of tenderness came over her. She squeezed his hands. “I think you’re being too hard on yourself. You have so much going for you. A long and honorable career behind you, skills that could be used in so many fields. A desire to teach people history. You’ve been beat up by war and death, and that sort of thing doesn’t wear off in two seconds. Part of you is a perfectionist, right?”
“I’ve been accused of that, yeah.”
“You think you should ‘get over’ things fast, suck it up and show big cojones, right? No faults, not letting up.”
He laughed, and it caused her to chuckle right along with him.
“That could be it.” Seriousness slowly filled his eyes. “Thank you.”
“For what?”
“I like your directness. There isn’t anything coy about you.”
Oh yes there is. Maybe not right this moment, not when she was on a roll. “Okay then, I’ll keep going. You’ve worked so hard to do a great job at whatever you do. You’ve had it drilled into your head by the military that there’s no try. Only do. You see your life now as a failure.”
She saw the change ease over him, a dawning awareness. “Yeah, that’s a part of it. Like I told you, with Force Recon we don’t fail. It’s not an option.”
That tenderness only increased. She wanted more than anything to help him. “You’re not in Force Recon anymore. You’re a civilian with new opportunities. With that comes a chance to make mistakes. It isn’t life or death anymore if you’re teaching history or doing something else out in the world. You can ease up on yourself, Aaron.”
He lifted her hand and kissed it again. “God, I wish I’d met you a million years ago.”
“That long?”
His voice was so low and soft, a hushed masculine tone. “Yep. Some of what you’re saying should have been obvious as hell to me, but I guess I needed someone else to tell me…to bring it to my attention. I’ve been holding on too tight.” He rolled his shoulders and released her hands. “Way too tight.”
“And your family…you think the way you grew up has anything to do with it?”
“Good chance. My Dad’s a damned perfectionist too. I’ve been trying to tell him to ease up. That’s why he got the ulcer.” He returned his arm to the back of the couch. “I guess this is a case of monkey see, monkey do.”
She nodded enthusiastically. “If you keep on going, you’ll be just like him. Scaring your family because they think you’re seriously ill, eating a hole in your stomach because of worry and stress.”
“Last thing I want to do.”
“Would you consider your father to be a control freak?”
“Yeah. He gets mad when he can’t control things, including his children.”
“People use control like that because they’re afraid. They’re afraid things will get out of control and the outcome won’t be good.”
“That’s Dad.” He sighed. “Maybe that’s me too.”
“Could be I’ve done the same with my family. My mother scared out of her mind by the shooting at her school…me scared out of my mind by my husband’s suicide, the kidnapping. Living in my parents reclusive, insular world didn’t prepare me for what’s out there in real life. It kept me dumb, and when bad things happened, I didn’t know how to handle them. Staying in the apartment and not going anywhere means I don’t have to deal with any of it.”
He left the couch and walked to the fireplace mantle. She hadn’t noticed the framed photographs there. He touched one frame that surrounded a five-by-seven photograph.
“Who is that?” she asked quietly.
He glanced at her, then picked up the photograph and brought it to her. She took the frame and perused the good-looking young man. The resemblance to Aaron said the man was family.
She looked up at Aaron. “Your brother?”
“Yes.”
“He’s an attractive guy, just like you.”
Aaron gave her a sad smile as he took the photo back and returned it to the mantle. “Yeah, right. He’s handsome. Me, not so much.”
She made a little growling noise in her throat. “That’s crazy.”
“How is it crazy?”
More truth telling. She stood and walked toward him until she could touch the dark wood mantle. Aaron shifted nearer, and once more his nearness tingled in her blood. “I’ll bet when you walk into a room, woman of all ages look at you and think you’re hot.”
He laughed again, and the silky deep sound caressed her. “I don’t have any evidence of that. And you know what? I don’t care if they do. My appearance isn’t top priority to me. Besides, you thought I was scary as hell the first time you saw me.”
“You do have an edge. It makes you scary and yet…” She swallowed hard. “Hot. It’s possible to be both, you know.”
His smile returned as her gaze danced along his stubbled jawline, his solid shoulders, chest, and powerful arms. Her attention slid lower, taking in his trim waist, long muscular legs. Hell, yeah. The man had it going on, whether he believed it or not. Even in sweats, he had a lethal masculine potency.
“If you keep looking at me like that, there will be consequences,” he said softly.
She lifted one eyebrow, a playfulness coming out inside her. “Oh?”
He moved in closer, towering over her. She felt nothing but a sweet, aching yearning for his touch. “I’ll have to jog in the rain for five miles and come back and do pushups just to make sure I don’t touch you. Maybe that won’t even stop me.”
Her breath caught in her throat at his words, utter with conviction. “Would that be so bad? Touching me?”
Pure masculine appreciation flared in his eyes. “Yeah, because I have a feeling I couldn’t get enough of it.”
She was shocked any man could want her that much. Part of her didn’t believe. So she took a sip of her coffee in silence. Patters of heavy rain beat at the windows, and she felt soothed and comforted by the coziness of the apartment.
Awkwardness invaded her, so she just said the first thing that came to her. “Is that why you exercise so much? To block things out? Is it like a drug for you?”
“Yes. It’s a drug and very addictive. I like keeping in shape, though.”
Once more the silence enveloped them, and the intimacy of the quiet between them threatened to overwhelm her.
She rushed to say something. Anything. “We said we’d be friends, and I feel like we are. I’m glad.”
“Me too. Thing is, I’m not feeling friendly right now.” He reached down to cup her face, and the sensuality of his caress sent a huge cascade of excitement dancing in her veins. “Not in the strictest sense.”
Her heartbeat kicked up at the way his gaze devoured her. “What are you feeling?”
“I’m within a few seconds kissing you.” He moved away from the mantle. “If I kiss you, I don’t think I’ll want to stop there.”
The realization he wanted to make love to her hit her like a sledgehammer. Before she could respond to his statement, before she could express that the desire and need burned inside her too, he backed off.
He looked at the rain running like a waterfall down the windows. “If you want to stay in the guest room tonight, you’re welcome.” He went to the window. “Uh…yeah. Come look at the parking lot.”
When she arrived at the window, she saw exactly what he meant. “Oh crap.”
Water had risen over the hubcaps and looked like it might grow higher. “Okay. I’ll stay.”
* * * *
Lana woke up, heart pounding and body trembling. A dream. Just a dream.
Then she heard it. A man crying out with pain. A bone-shaking, soul-breaking sound that caused her heart to pound. Aaron. Fear made her snap on the bedside light in the guest room. She glanced at the bedside clock. One in the morning. She untangled from the sheets and launched out of bed toward the door. The small guest bathroom night light gave her a little to see by, and she moved quickly toward Aaron’s bedroom. She stood at the partially open door, hesitation pausing her.
“Aaron?” she said barely above a whisper. She put more strength into her voice. “Aaron, are you all right?”
She heard him muttering under his breath. He lay on his back on the king-sized bed, sprawled out with the sheets thrown to the bottom of the bed. At first she thought he was naked, but she saw the barest hint of white briefs covering him.
“No. Don’t do this!”
His cry startled her, and she jerked in surprise. “Aaron. Aaron, wake up.” She flipped on the light switch and it threw muted light across the room. Sweat beaded on his forehead, and he twitched the tiniest bit. “Aaron, it’s a dream. Wake up.”
She started to sit on the edge of the bed and to touch him, but something she’d read or heard reminded her it could prove dangerous to approach a combat vet in the throes of a nightmare. He groaned. Even concerned about his welfare, she couldn’t ignore his gorgeous body. Sprawled on his back with arms akimbo and his legs parted, he represented pure physical fitness. Long, lean, and yet powerful muscles carved his body. She’d always had a thing for men with hard thighs and calves and his legs were perfect. Everything about him was perfect. Brown hair dusted his chest and spread over a six pack stomach and disappeared into his briefs. Her attention snagged on the bulge between his legs. Get your mind out of the gutter. She returned her concentration to the problem at hand.
“Aaron,” she said more forcefully, “wake up!”
He jerked and sat bolt upright, blinking in the light. “What? What’s wrong?”
She held her hand out. “You were having a nightmare. I heard you.”
His chest heaved up and down, his breathing fast. He ran a hand over his face. “Sorry.”
He lay back on the bed, eyes haunted.
“Are you all right now?” she asked.
He covered his eyes with his right hand and heaved a sigh. He shook his head.
Worry propelled her to his side. She approached the bed and sat on the edge. She took a chance and touched his forearm. “Do you want to talk about it?”
He looked up at her, doubt in his eyes. “I have this dream a lot. It’s the…when Fillman walked up and pointed the gun at me. I’m frozen and can’t do a damned thing. Then he points his weapon at himself. It’s in slow motion.”
“Oh crap.”
“Yeah, that describes it well.”
“I’m sorry.” He shifted on the bed, and he reached up to clasp her arm. “Thank you.”
“For what?”
“Caring. For listening to me.”
She smiled as a wave of tenderness captured her. “You’d do the same for me.”
“In a heartbeat.”
Waves of longing swept through her, and hard on its heels came desire. He must have seen it inside her even as she stood and backed away from the bed.
“Well, then,” she said softly.
He held out his hand. “Don’t go yet. Stay and talk awhile.”
The raw vulnerability in his voice halted her when she would have retreated to her room. She didn’t think she’d fall asleep anyway. Not with the thought of him tackling nightmares. She needed, somewhere down deep, to soothe away his cares. She returned to the bed and sat down.
He clasped her forearm gently. “You know there’s no cages here. No dirty huts or brutal men. You can walk away anytime. I won’t stop you. I’ll miss you like hell, and along the way I might die from wanting you near. From just wanting you.”
She tried to smile but failed miserably. “I don’t believe that. You’re a big bad marine with a leather hide. You’d get bored and…”
She left the bed again, mortified at what she’d just said. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. Where the hell did that come from? Confused by her conflicting emotions, she backed away and hit the wall just near the door. He rose from the bed, all male muscle and determination. He prowled across the floor until he stood within inches. He placed his hands on the wall on either side of her head. The heat of him teased, and the powerful attraction gnawed at her and demanded action.
“I could never get bored with you, Lana Burns. Ever.”
She saw an answering need in his eyes, and she decided right then she couldn’t take it anymore. She slipped her fingers over his bristly jaw, felt the prickle against her skin. A wild tremor tickled her belly. God, the heat and thick desire urged her to let go and do something she never would have done even a few weeks ago.
He clasped her hand and drew it up to his chest. “Whenever you like, however you like, touch me. No matter what you do, you’re safe with me. I may ask you for something…hell, I might even fuckin’ beg you. I’d never force you. But know this…I’m dying to wipe out the memory of that asshole who hurt you. And I’ll do anything to prove it. If I could wrap my hands around his neck I would…”
Kill him. She saw that in his eyes too. Both sides of the man. The steel-hard, tough military man who’d risk his life for her. The gentle, caring man with a heart of gold. She saw it all right there. Right now.
Sparklers of sensation danced up and down her body. She’d never been this crazy with arousal, stunning, eager desire that urged her to throw every caution to the wind and just go for it. Fuck him blind. Take him furiously, make him show he wasn’t a liar. She knew, deep down in her most primal instincts, he’d be an amazing lover.
He held her, fingers curled in his and a promise hanging there.
Then an image flashed into her head of Raul demanding she put her mouth on him, and she shuddered with revulsion. Her mind couldn’t shove the nasty memory away.
“No.” She untangled her fingers from his and slipped away from him and headed to the door. She stopped there a second. “I’m sorry…I…”
She didn’t have a clue what to say or how to say it. Better to cut her losses and go. She headed back to her room, closed the door, and got into bed. She pulled the covers up and let out a harsh breath. It wasn’t much longer before the tears came.