A few weeks passed without any contact from Jack. As much as the unknown plagued me, it was also a time of rest from the constant expectations and fear that had become my world.
“Javan?” I called as I searched the house. We were expected at my parents’ house for breakfast, and Javan was supposed to be finding his shoes.
“Mom!”
Javan tumbled out of his room and landed at my feet as I reached his door. A laugh escaped as he glanced up at me with a rascally grin. He was so cute. His bright red hair was enhanced by the paleness of his skin. The deep blue of his eyes was constantly changing with his mood but most often would sparkle with mischief; like now. The moment I bent down and helped him up, I heard Chase wail from the carrier I had left by the door.
“Okay, buddy, let's go.”
I grasped Javan’s hand as we headed to the SUV.
My heart stopped, and I took a deep breath before I walked closer. Next to the SUV was Jack’s car and him leaning against it.
“Daddy!” Javan yelled as he ran up to hug Jack's leg.
“Hi.” I offered tentatively. The protective walls I had built up emotionally in the past few weeks of his absence were firmly in place, and I waited for him to speak.
Jack’s hands were tucked in the pockets of his blue jeans, and he leaned back, regarding Chase and me with steely eyes. “I, uh, I need to ask you a question.”
My heart pounded with hope; maybe he had changed his mind? I glanced down at Javan, who was acting like a tourniquet to Jack's leg, but so far Jack hadn't even said ‘hi’ to his son.
“Yes?” My voice betrayed me with a slight wobble. I swallowed in an effort to eliminate the lump in my throat.
“I um, well, I want the SUV.”
The pounding of my heart suspended as I processed his words. What did he want with the car?
“The SUV?” I repeated dumbly.
“Yeah.” He tried to take a step forward and realized Javan was still attached to his leg. “Go to your mom, boy.” He ruffled Javan’s hair, but his eyes didn't hold any warmth. Javan's face crumpled with hurt, and he shook his head.
“No!”
“Go to your mom, now.” Jack bent down to look him in the eye. Javan studied him for a moment before he turned around and ran to me. The tears were flowing down his face by the time he reached me.
I waited, not wanting to speak. I didn’t want to risk saying something I’d just regret later.
“Yeah, I need the SUV. I don't want to be making such a huge payment on a car, so I'm trading it in. I've already got the papers. I just need your signature.”
“Oh.” I was caught off guard, but I recovered after a moment. “What am I going to drive?” I asked with more confidence than I felt.
“You can have your grandparents’ car back. I don't want it. I'll get something when I trade in the SUV.”
I wanted to argue, complain about how we purchased the SUV so I'd have a reliable car when I drove with the kids. But I didn't open my mouth. Months, years of his accusing me of undermining him if I questioned him in the slightest had turned me into the insecure wreck that I was, and I no longer knew how to fight.
“Okay,” I whispered, as I took the fob and key off my chain and walked over to him.
“Here.” I maintained eye contact, waiting for him to show any sign of remorse, but all I saw was a calculating glint.
“You've lost weight.” His voice was low and I immediately stiffened, wondering what he would say. “Good.” He nodded and took the key from my hand and turned away. He hopped into the SUV before I remembered the car seats.
“Wait!”
He stopped and rolled down the window.
“The car seats, I need them.” I spoke breathlessly as my heart pounded from the emotional stress of it all.
He glanced at Chase and Javan before moving his fingers in an 'okay hurry up and get them' motion.
“Here, I need your signature anyway.”
He handed me the papers to sign before I even opened the back door. The names and amounts sent a tremor through me. Would I see any money from this transaction? A part of me hoped, but the rest of me knew it wouldn’t happen. At least he had been sending me grocery money and paying the bills. I didn’t want to ask for more. Fear that he’d accuse me of being money hungry and losing any chance of him coming home stopped the words from forming as I signed my name.
The moment I had freed the car seats from the SUV he was gone, not even waving goodbye to Javan, who was jumping up and down frantically waving both hands in the air.
On the way to my parents’ house, Javan stared out the window. The sparkle in his eyes was now gone. Soon we arrived at my parents’ house, and as soon as Javan saw the stack of waffles and sausage on my parents’ kitchen table, a bit of the sparkle returned. Chase wiggled as I pulled him from the car carrier and handed him to my mom as I took off my jacket. The house was warm and smelled like home. The temptation to close my eyes and pretend I was sixteen again was overwhelming. Just for one moment I wanted to pretend that I didn't carry the weight of a failed marriage on my shoulders.
“Hi, Pumpkin!” My dad called to me from behind the waffle iron in the kitchen. His eyes twinkled as he glanced at me, but I saw the strain of his smile.
“Hi, Dad.” I managed a weak smile.
“Honey, where’s your car? Did…” My mom’s words died as she saw my eyes fill with fresh tears. Oh when would I get to a point where I’d stop crying?
“Daddy.” Javan replied after swallowing a mouthful of sausage.
My parents’ shocked expressions gave me a moment to gather my thoughts.
“Um, yeah, Jack stopped by this morning. He’s turning in the SUV. He didn’t want such a large payment.”
“He can’t do that, not without your permission! Your name’s on the title!” The angry tone of my dad’s voice spoke all the words I had been afraid to speak earlier. One part of me knew I needed to stand up for myself, but the larger portion of my mind and heart had forgotten how to do it.
“I know, Dad, I gave him permission. I signed the papers.”
Javan’s eating and my parent’s breathing were the only sounds in the room. My mom and I jumped when the timer dinged, and my dad went to release the waffle that just finished.
“Honey, that was your car—“my mom began.
“I know, Mom, but it’s not worth it. You know if I say anything he’ll just jump to some conclusion, and I’ll lose him even more.” I stared at my shoes as I spoke, hating myself for the coward I had become.
“I hate what he’s done to you.” The deep voice of my father carried such weight as I heard the bitterness behind the words.
“Daddy, you shouldn’t hate—“
“I didn’t say I hated Jack. Love’s a choice and I’ve made that choice each day, regardless of how he acted. But.” He turned around and pointed a fork in my direction. “That doesn’t mean I have to love his behavior or the way he’s treated you and my grandsons. “
He was right. And I’d be lying if I didn’t admit that I agreed. The room seemed to drain of its tension as Chase made sucking noises on his fist. My mom handed him to me, and I sat on the couch to nurse him.
“Your waffle is ready,” my dad called as I finished nursing.
“Thanks, Dad, but I’m not that hungry.” The encounter with Jack had ruined what little appetite I had been able to keep in the past few weeks since he left.
“Baby, you need to eat. If not for you, for the little one you’re nursing.”
The gentle reminder from my mom forced me to nibble the corner of the golden waffle.
“I’ll ask one more question, and then we’ll put away the topic for the rest of the morning, okay?” My mom spoke as she wrapped an arm around my shoulders.
“Okay.”
“Has he said anything about the future? What he plans do to?”
“No, Mom, and believe me, I’d tell you if I had any clue.”
“All right, honey.” She patted my back and went around the counter to wipe Javan’s syrupy face.
“Who wants to go for a walk?” she called, and Javan almost fell out of his chair in his haste to get his shoes on.
As I watched him run to the door I thought, not for the first time, about how thankful I was that both he and Chase were so young. Their age protected them, to an extent, from the heartache of their father’s absence. Though I felt it acutely, I’d much rather it all fall upon my shoulders. I’d take it all if it meant they’d walk away from this with the sparkle in their eyes still intact. In fact, I was determined it would happen. A stirring in my heart resonated with the truth of my realization. Right now, I may not be accepted as a wife, but I had never stopped being a mom. And I wasn’t about to either. “Wait up, Javan! I’m coming too!”