Chapter Twenty-One

 

CAM

 

Cam watched Thea corner two demons, destroying them within a couple of minutes. He didn’t worry about her holding her own; she had proven her prowess when she took on four Spectras at the same time. When they had cornered her, she had shown such amazing skill he had grinned like a fool. Now that she had been successful, he hoped she didn’t get too confident and seek them out in groups. In that case, Cam would have no choice but to interfere. For now, he just watched, keeping an eye out in case she needed him.

Even though he had told her their relationship was over, he was still assigned to her and therefore couldn’t actually move on even if he wanted to. And he didn’t. He watched her night after night until she returned to her apartment. He was always tempted to knock on her door and find a way to persuade her to his reasoning but there wouldn’t be any point. He knew from experience that Thea was hard-headed and proud, and with the revelation of her lack of trust in him, he doubted that she would back down and agree to be his mate and live with him the Angel Realm, no matter what he said.

Cam had asked the Dominion League to be reassigned so that he wouldn’t have to suffer the pain of seeing her but they had rejected him, telling him that Thea was too new, that she didn’t have control over her powers. Zak had told him to keep her abilities a secret so he didn’t correct them, just continued to watch her from out of sight.

Sometimes he thought that it was good that he chose to stay at a distance where he could assist her if she needed it; if something happened to Thea, if she was hurt or killed, it would be like going through the loss of Kara all over again. In fact, it would be worse because while Kara had been his best friend, Cam loved Thea with everything in him. She was the one he was meant to be with. When he thought about it—thought about their time together, their intimacy—it almost crushed him that she did not agree to be with him. Since he couldn’t go out on any hunting assignments, he used every bit of his willpower to push the feeling away and instead focused on watching her fight, marveling at her abilities. She could do things that a lot of Nephilim were incapable of even after years of training.

One night, he watched Thea enter a bar. She was in there for twenty minutes or so before she came back out, a man hot on her heels. He touched her arm and she turned around. She smiled at him, the man smiling back as he spoke, raking his eyes down her body. Cam was suddenly wildly alert, his wings jostling with agitation.

The man touched her cheek and Thea let him, though she didn’t look particularly comfortable.

A rage built up in Cam so powerful he took to the air, high above them, ready to swoop down and grab the man by his throat and snap his fucking windpipe. But within seconds, she parted from him and began to walk down the street toward her car. Cam watched the man head back into the bar, fighting the urges his angel-form roared through him; the urges to protect and honor his mate. He followed her home and lowered down to the roof opposite her building where he could see into her living room. He watched her prepare for bed and his anger faded, replaced with a mournful relief she was home alone. His heartbeat slowed gradually and he was shocked at himself. He had never experienced anything like that before, never felt any cause to hurt a human. Love was making him ache; his heart was lost to her, completely in her hands, and she didn’t even know it.

The Archangel who had given him her apartment had mentioned that she was inquiring about moving. She had rejected him and was now rejecting the things he had provided for her. He argued with the angel to make the process as slow as possible but had no idea what use that was—he couldn’t force her to stay there. He was simply being irrational.

Miserable, Cam entered the Angel Realm and flew to the Stream. As usual, a number of angels stood there staring at it, basking in the feeling of the energy. Cam tried to relax there but found he could not. He took to the air again and found himself flying outside Zak’s home building; a large round golden structure that hovered high in the air. Cam landed on the floor that Zak lived on and knocked. His commander answered, blinking sleepily.

“I’m sorry, Commander,” Cam said, dipping his head. “I’ll come back.”

“No, no.” Zak gestured for him to come in. “Are you all right? You look unwell.”

Cam shook his head, heading to Zak’s social room. Angels normally lived in quarters in the various buildings around the Realm; they didn’t tend to have an apartment all of their own, unless they were mated. Even so, Zak’s quarters took up half the floor of the building and was plain and functional, just like his office.

Cam dropped into one of the couches and Zak sat on the one across from him. The commander’s hazel eyes studied his face intently and Cam wondered if he would be disappointed with him. He had already told him what had happened with Thea and wasn’t sure the commander was truly on his side.

Zak leaned his elbows on his thighs and sighed. “Tell me.”

“I went to see the Dominion League.”

Zak’s eyes flashed. “Without my permission?”

“I didn’t mean to offend you, Zak,” Cam said, quickly. “But I cannot do it anymore. I can’t watch over her.”

Zak’s expression softened. “Why not?”

“It’s too painful. I love her.”

“So go to her,” said Zak, as if it were that simple. Maybe it seemed that way to him.

“I can’t. I told you, she doesn’t want me.”

“Of course she does, Cam. I’m surprised you haven’t figured it out.”

Cam frowned. “Figured what out?”

“She needs to know she can trust you. She needs to know you will be there for her and won’t leave her.”

“I told her I won’t,” Cam said.

“You have to show her,” Zak said. “And that will take time. Every time she realizes you’re there for her, she will open up to you. But it will be a slow process.”

Cam threw himself back on the couch and stared at the ceiling. “How do you know?”

“She grew up in the human world,” Zak said. “Her experiences of trusting people haven’t been positive. That is the case for most humans. Women, in particular, find it difficult to get their mates to respect them so it takes time for them to trust. They cannot shed those beliefs easily.”

Cam thought about the men Thea mentioned and almost growled. “I’m not human. She cannot compare me to her experiences with human men.”

“That is all she has to go on, Cam. How would she know? You have to show her you’re not like them.”

Cam sighed, leaning forward again. “Even so, she doesn’t want to mate with me, Zak. She doesn’t want to live here with me, even though I told her she could still go back and see her family any time.”

Zak was quiet for a moment. “It is a big ask.”

“What?” Cam almost didn’t believe his ears. “Zak. She’s my natural mate.”

“Yes, but even angels who have families with humans don’t ask them to leave their own world, Cam.”

That was true. The only reason he had wanted her to leave was because she could. If she had the ability to shift, she could access the Angel Realm.

“If you hadn’t left for four weeks, do you think she would have said yes?” Zak asked, after a long moment.

Cam blinked, thinking about it. “I think so.”

“Then the issue is the fact you left for so long when she didn’t expect it, Camael. And now you’ve left again.”

Cam dropped his head to stare at Zak. “I watch her every day.”

“She doesn’t know that. She needs to know how you feel. I can see it’s eating you up, it’s likely she is hurting just as badly.”

Cam stared at Zak, holding his eye. “I don’t even know how to talk to her. The last time, I got angry… she was angry… it was a mess.”

“Listen to me, Camael.” Zak’s tone grew stern. “You have fought barbarically for over two millenniums with all your might and powers to avenge Karaya. You have rejected the Stream; you have brought all of that anger to your battles; you shut yourself off from even the possibility of companionship, and Kara wasn’t even your natural mate! Elithea is. How can you think it is easier to let her go than to fight for her?”

Cam lowered his eyes. Of course, Zak was right. He was being foolish. What had Thea called him? A coward. Maybe he was.

He searched himself for the true reason, pulling back the curtain on thoughts he’d suppressed, shining a light on his uncomfortable feelings, and it came to him in a discord of jagged, rancid heat. His anger, his rage that he had wallowed in for over two millenniums, had consumed him again. It had all but disappeared when he had been with Thea, but now it had returned with such force, he didn’t even realize he had sunk back into it—to that place he felt comfortable. He endured the uncomfortable feeling of pushing the anger away so he could think.

Despite the fact that she wouldn’t be his mate, Cam knew he would love Thea forever, for eternity. He could not fight the feeling anymore, he couldn’t shut her out of his heart with rage. If he was honest with himself, he had nothing to lose by trying to persuade Thea to see his true feelings for her. She had already slipped out of his fingers; he had already lost her. If it meant spending eternity proving to her she could trust him, then that’s what he had to do. It was so obvious, he was ashamed his rage had blinded him from seeing it.

Hope filled him, lifting his mood and lightening the worry that pressed heavily upon him since he’d last spoken to her. If he had to, he would be with her even if she didn’t want to officially be his mate. He would see her in the human world whenever he could. It didn’t matter, as long as he could touch her again, make love to her again.

Zak stood. “You have made up your mind.”

Cam stood and smiled. “I have.”

“Good,” said Zak, nodding. “No matter how she responds, make sure she knows how you feel.”

Cam nodded, though he wasn’t sure he could control his emotions around her. If she rejected his love outright, it would wound him deeply. Still, he had to accept that and keep trying. He couldn’t continue his existence without her.

“Thank you, Zakiel. For everything.”

Zak tilted his head and smiled. “I just want you to be happy. I don’t want to have to deal with your wretched mood for eternity if you don’t have her.”

Cam chuckled. He took his leave, the rage transmuted into hope, leading him back to his mate.