II

We Have an Offer

“Two point two. Two point shmoo. I told you: it’s no good. We have no alternative but to stonewall it or go high enough to blow it away. I see no reason to prolong the agony. We stand our ground or attack. We do not die in retreat.”

“Die in retreat? It’s a four hundred grand difference on an asking price of two point seven five million! What are you dying over? Finally, we have a place to start talking!”

“I’m dying over four hundred thousand dollars. I’m in it two point seven five. It’s worth the price. Do you think I could go out today or tomorrow or all of next week or most of next month and make that money back? No. I can’t. And I will not walk away from that money.”

“Look. We have an offer. It’s more than we had yesterday or last week or at any time in the last three months. We need to show good faith. You know what they say: as long as you’re talking the deal is alive. Alive is different than dead. We need to counter. You said you knew these things. Besides that, Michael, you are not in it two point seven five. You’re in it two point four.”

“Oh yeah, Miss Smarty-pants. Take that two point four and stack another point two on top for the roof and the hot tub. Then ask yourself, ‘Hmm, do I need to get paid on this?’ Well, do ya, punk?’ I don’t mean you’re a punk. You just set me up for that line. But do you want to get paid?”

“You bought at the top and you want to sell on the way down. That. Costs. Money. Michael. If you want to sell your house for more than it’s worth, then you’re wasting my time.”

“Fine. Counter at two point seven four nine nine nine.”

“You want to drop your price by a dollar?”

“Yeah. In good faith.”

“That’s not good faith. That’s an insult.”

“An insult to whom? Don’t forget the party of which you represent here, after yourself of course. It’s me and my interests. Two point two is a lowball. Some people would call a lowball an insult. Some people would take it personally. Me? I’m showing good faith. Why are we arguing here? You got two choices: you counter at two point seven four nine nine nine, or you ignore their offer. I won’t discuss it further.”

“You said before you’d go to two million seven hundred thousand. Let’s counter with that.”

“No. I’ll go to two million seven if they offer it. I won’t counter with it because you know as well as I do where things go from there. You want faith? Counter a dollar lower. Let’s see how good their faith is.”

•

“Okay. They got your counter and said thanks very much and want you to know that they really love the place, so they want to make a counter to your counter. They came back at two million two hundred thousand and one dollars.”

“They came up a dollar? Beautiful. Now we’re getting somewhere. You know: the seller wants to sell, and the buyer makes like he wants to buy. That sort of thing. Go back with … let’s see, our very best good wishes, our, uh, fondest hopes that they do see the value here and our expressed intention to do everything we possibly can to come to terms on a deal. So, in the spirit of compromise, we’ll drop to two million, seven hundred forty-nine thousand, nine hundred ninety-eight.”

“You think I’m going to rewrite this contract in dollar bites a half million times?”

“Nah! Just ink in the numbers. I’ll initial.”

“That’s stupid. Besides, why don’t you just split the difference? Come down to two million five, around in there. You want to sell the place or get stuck in a … a …”

“A pissing contest?”

“Yes. You said it.”

“We’re pissing real dollars here. Not your dollars. My dollars. I want to sell. He who dribbles first loses the money. Let ’um come up to serious intention levels. Then we’ll talk about splitting differences and closing deals. Okay? Is that okay?”

“It’ll die. You said it first. Too much back and forth with no progress. It’ll die, and you know it, and you’d rather let it die than give in.”

“I don’t know any such thing. What is this give-in bullshit? Who’s not giving in? Your client or your client’s adversary? Be very careful here, dear. You don’t know where this will go. You can’t very well call two counters a pattern and think the pattern will hold dollar for dollar to halfway on a five hundred, seventy-five thousand spread. I’d hold firm before it got anywhere near that low anyway. I think it works in my favor to get the paper inked up on another dollar drop.”

“Fine. If the deal dies, it’s because you killed it.”

“Deal? What deal? We got a lowball. I never saw a deal.”

“Oh! Dirkson’s here! We’re on the air! Please don’t use foul language.”

“On the air? We’re not on the air. We’re off the air. Can’t you see that? Jesus Christ. Whatever happened to reality?”