SUNDAY

Benjy knew it when Da Muddy died. He cried. He smell hit. He smell hit.

William Faulkner

 

Grandpa really has come I thought it’s raining outside it wasn’t a dream I remembered how they woke me and showed me to him because they promised me they would as soon as he came from the airplane even if I was sleeping that’s why I agreed to go to bed. At first I heard them argue in the dark because dad didn’t want them turning on the light but mom said I promised and dad said so what he’ll have plenty of time to see him. But mom insisted just for a second come see him father he’s done nothing but wait and ask about you for the last three days. Which wasn’t even so. And the light went on but I couldn’t open my eyes because it hurt and I heard a hoarse new voice it was grandpa’s I don’t believe that’s really Gaddi why I still think of him as a baby you’re raising a giant here. A giant he called me not fat but dad laughed time hasn’t stood still he’s not your tribe’s he’s ours big fat and solid the blanket’s hiding him now you’ll see him better later the kids in his class call him Boxer he’s really a sweetheart the pain shot through my heart again. How could he? Why?

Shh Kedmi shh whispered mom the child’s up already she patted my head and tried sitting me up but she was too late she always is grandpa already had heard. Who told dad? He knows everything. If only mom had told grandpa now about my glands but she just propped me up in bed with her hand to keep me from falling get up Gaddi it’s grandpa he’s here open your eyes I opened them and saw Uncle Tsvi in a hat but all wrinkled and taller full of hair he was crying ma passed me to him he tried lifting me he staggered and almost dropped me he kissed me he got me wet with his tears. He doesn’t remember me. Do you remember me Gaddi? We told you he would come in the end laughed mom her eyes were wet too. You wanted us to wake you. So I put my lips on his rough dry cheeks for a kiss. That’s enough said dad he took me from grandpa and swung me back into bed they were already by the baby to look at her too they didn’t wake her though because once she’s up she never goes back to sleep. Enough said dad you’ll see so much of them you’ll be sick of them yet. He turned off the light I was almost asleep again when he came back and pulled off the blanket as long as you’re up why don’t you try to pee we don’t want any more little messes. I don’t have to I whispered. Try anyway there’s always something he helped me up and into my slippers he led me to the bathroom and pulled down my pajamas I saw the whole house lit bags and suitcases and grandpa’s back he was drinking tea with his hat on. But there wasn’t any pee my head kept dropping to the little pool of clear water dad whistled standing guard by the door. Well? I made already I whispered and flushed right away. I didn’t hear you he said but I made I pulled up my pants and went back to bed what does he want he trails me like a policeman he covered me and said give me a kiss so I gave him one and he kissed me back hard and left then I felt if I waited some more I might have peed after all it was all because of that whistling and I fell asleep.

And now it was warm and wet down there with that sweet like smell of the mess and the rain I could hear it dripping all the time even though it was nearly Passover it was the day of our class seder. There wasn’t a sound in the house not even the radio till dad stood in the doorway it’s seven o’clock aren’t you getting up he came to pull off the blanket but I held on to it tight. I’m getting up I said he didn’t smell a thing the minute he left I part-closed the door I pulled off my wet bottoms real quick and stuffed them into my schoolbag and covered them with books I took an old wool blanket and spread it on the stain to absorb it the baby opened her eyes. Then I went to the bathroom to wash up. Grandpa’s bags were all gone only his hat was still on the kitchen table there was a smell of coffee dad sat behind his paper.

“Where’s mom?”

“She’s sleeping. They were up all night. C’mon, get a move on. It’s raining, I’ll drive you to school. Do you want an egg?”

“Yes.” And I sat down at the table that was full of food while he went to fry me an egg. “Will grandpa live with us now?”

“Of course not.”

“Will he go live with grandma?”

Dad laughed. “Where is that?”

“Where she is.”

But I was never in that place she doesn’t really live in just nearby.

“No. He’s only come for a few days to take care of some business. He’ll stay with Tsvi too, and with Asa in Jerusalem. Then he’ll go back to America.”

“For good?”

“For the time being.”

He gave me the egg and some cocoa and Rice Krispies and two slices of bread. He always gives me a lot and expects me to finish it all.

“Why did grandpa cry?”

“When?”

“Last night.”

“Did he? I didn’t notice. I guess he felt like it. Let’s go, enough questions. Hurry up, I don’t have time...”

I began to eat listening to the quiet in the house watching the raindrops run down the windowpane. I said:

“It was just one boy who called me Boxer once. It wasn’t everyone”

He put down his paper and looked at me and laughed.

“All right, all right. It was just something I said. I didn’t mean anything by it. Even if they do call you Boxer why should you care? Tell them to go to hell. I’m on the chubby side myself, and you can see there’s nothing wrong with it, especially if you’re tall.”

He stood up to show me his stomach letting it hang out on purpose beating it with his fist.

“Don’t worry, you’ll be big and strong just like me.”

But I didn’t want to be just like him not that I said so. !t was already past seven-thirty. I finished eating and went back to my room to pack my schoolbag and to see if the stain was gone but it wasn’t so I sort of made the bed while the baby looked on it’s a good thing she can’t talk I stuck the pacifier in her mouth and walked out past the shut door where grandpa was sleeping I looked around to see if he had left something for me but there wasn’t anything that looked like it. I went to mom and dad’s room and touched mom she opened her eyes right away she smiled but dad was right behind me leave her alone Gaddi hands off let her sleep what is it that you want?

“I need matzos, lettuce and wine. We’re having a class seder this morning.”

“Why didn’t you say so yesterday?”

“I told mom.”

“Maybe you can get along without it. Borrow some from another boy.”

“I’m getting up,” said mom.

“You don’t have to. I’ll take care of it. Come on, just get a move on.”

He went to the kitchen and wrapped two matzos in a newspaper he looked in the closet and found a bottle of old wine he tasted it and made a face he looked at me and said what difference does it make you won’t drink it anyway it’s just symbolic and he poured some into an old jar that used to have olives in it. Forget about the lettuce he said you can borrow a leaf from someone. So I started back toward mom don’t be stubborn he said it’s getting late but I said I need lettuce so he searched in the vegetable bin and found some old leaves and gave them to me was he sore. Since when did you get so religious? I put it all in my schoolbag my watch already said ten to eight.

“What else do you need?”

“A snack for school.”

“What about the matzo?”

“It’s for the seder at the end.”

“Okay, I won’t let you starve.” He cut two thick slices of bread in a hurry and put chocolate spread on them he jangled his keys then mom was there she told me to put on my boots I went to get them she combed my hair I’m counting to three and going dad shouted the baby cried I strapped on my schoolbag and started downstairs halfway down I remembered I ran back up mom opened the door the baby was already in her arms.

“What’s wrong?”

“Nothing.”

I ran to the bathroom and opened my schoolbag and took out the wet pajamas and stuffed them deep into the laundry bin on the way out I passed grandpa’s door I opened it quietly and saw him sleeping by a suitcase full of clothes but nothing in it seemed to be for me.

I felt mom’s hand. “You’ll see him later when you come home from school.” I ran down the stairs. Dad’s car was running the wipers were on white smoke came out from the back.

“What the hell’s the matter with you? What did you forget this time?”

“Nothing.”

“It’s enough to drive a person up the wall.”

The cars whizzed down the hill without stopping for dad they honked their brakes squealed in the end though he swore and swung into the traffic and let me off by my school.

It was raining harder the children were running someone ran by me and said look at Boxer in boots he was gone before I could grab him I was sure it was the boy from 3A who had called me that before. There wasn’t any lineup we went straight to our rooms the bell rang our teacher Galya talked about the rain which might be the last of the year she wrote last rain on the blackboard we opened our Bibles before she even began hands were up to answer questions that no one had asked we have kids like that in our class. We read about Jacob who thought Joseph was eaten alive because all his brothers lied I was thinking of grandpa was he up yet when Galya told me to read next read what I said the chapter’s finished then start the next one she said and I did. And the famine was sore in the land and it came to pass when they had eaten up the provender which they had brought out of Egypt. Galya stopped me to ask what provender was I said it was some kind of food I didn’t know which then Sigal raised her hand and said it was wheat because that’s what they ate in those days and Galya said wheat and other things too so we talked about making flour from wheat and about baking bread and I opened my schoolbag to see if the bread was still there. At last the bell rang and I took out my sandwich because I was hungry but Galya made me put it back because we don’t eat in first recess.

During recess we stayed in the halls because it was muddy outside the janitor wouldn’t let us out the children were wild I went looking for the boy who called me Boxer just let him try again in the end I spotted him running around a small skinny kid I went up to him he just smiled with his big dark eyes I wanted to hear him say it again so I’d know for sure I could sock him but he didn’t say anything then the bell rang and he went back to his class it was really 3A.

The next class was drawing. Right off I drew a sun and a fence and a house like where grandma lives a man by the fence held a boy’s hand but the boy came out very big almost bigger than the man so I gave him a beard and made a man of him too and gave the first man braids and made him a woman and drew a new boy a baby on the ground with big flowers all around. I showed it to the teacher that’s nice she said but why is the sun so low it’s almost touching the people so I went back to my desk and drew a black cloud over it with rain coming out and wrote last rain on it and gave the man and the woman an umbrella but not the baby he couldn’t hold one he’d have to get wet but by then I was bored so I wrote Gaddi underneath and took out my sandwich and ate it because the drawing teacher doesn’t care if we eat in her class and then I stripped to my gym shorts. The rain had stopped so I went out to the yard we shot marbles in the mud the boy from 3A who never seems to play with boys his own age just with smaller ones was there too he didn’t say a word to me it was like he never had or would he just took out two marbles and shot them sharp and fast. It was a weird game because the marbles kept sticking in the mud they got bigger and bigger like big slow brown balls we all laughed at the fatsos rolling in the puddles there was mud all over us too we really had a good time. But when the bell rang and we started picking up the marbles and putting them back in our pockets Ido from my class thought that one of mine was his and wanted to know where it was and this little kid says just like that Boxer took it while sticking close to a teacher passing by I made believe I didn’t hear but something ached inside I went to look for a stick because once the others learn to call me Boxer there won’t be any stopping it.

Then we had gym it’s the class I hate most because the teacher always picks on me for not touching my toes or raising my arms high enough when my turn came to jump over the horse I went around it at the last second and ran my hand over it when they raised it higher I didn’t even try I just dragged along at the end of the line and let the other kids pass me. The gym teacher called me over try Gaddi he said I’ll help you I said I can’t. If you’d lose some weight you could jump he said so I said it’s not the food it’s my glands there’s something wrong with them. What glands he said who put that into your head? So I explained to him about the glands that make me fat the doctor said so he even gave me a note at the beginning of the year that I wasn’t supposed to jump. The gym teacher gave me such a hopeless look that it’s a wonder I didn’t cry I usually do when he starts up but today he was too tired to yell maybe because it was almost spring vacation. All he said was they’ll get you in the army then he blew his whistle and said now choose teams for dodge ball. I was chosen last and counted out first so I went looking for a stick again I found a short iron rod that I hid behind a fence I hoped it would rain some more so that gym might end early.

At last the bell rang and we went inside to set our desks for the seder we spread them with sheets and took out the matzos and the wine and the lettuce from our schoolbags and put them on the sheets. The music teacher came with her accordion to play Passover songs and we sang and when she went to the next class for them to sing too we said The Four Questions and the blessing for the wine and some other stuff and picked up the matzos and put them down and wrapped them in the lettuce and picked them up again and ate them. I even drank the wine dad gave me at first I made a face but something made me drink it and I finished it all and suddenly felt a bit drunk. Honestly. I even ate Ido’s matzo and lettuce because he didn’t want them.

Then we cleared our desks it was vacation by now because tomorrow we only get report cards. I was so drunk I nearly fell down the stairs I went to my hiding place and took the iron rod and walked slowly home by way of my old kindergarten I stood by the window and looked at the room with all the toys I knew so well and at the teacher who used to be mine sitting on a little chair and telling all the little kids a story it was dumb and for babies but I listened anyway because I remembered it except for the end the parents stood around me with raincoats for their children they kept pushing me ’cause they wanted to hear too so I walked up the street a bit and sat down on the fence to see what would happen just then the boy from 3A came out of the alleyway from school he said goodbye to some older kid who went into his house and started walking toward me. When he saw me on the fence he stopped to think for a second then he crossed to the other side of the street and smiled to himself as soon as he got close still watching me I jumped down and pulled the rod from my coat all at once he was running shouting you fat Boxer I chased him but he was too fast he kept gaining on me all of a sudden he tripped by the time he got up I had grabbed his schoolbag I tore the strap with one pull I knew then I was right he was weaker than me I knocked him back down and threw myself on him because my weight was my strong point he tried biting me but couldn’t I swung the rod because I meant to kill him maybe now. But a grownup standing by ran up and grabbed me that’s enough he said you should be ashamed of yourself hitting little children I started to cry let me go he’s older than me he had already squirmed free he was crying too he was really freaked out there was blood on his face he barked like a dog you fucking Boxer you he picked up a stone from the ground that’s enough you two the grownup said he took the rod away and tossed it into an empty lot he gave the kid a push go home he said he kept his grip on me let me go I said it was raining so the last rain wasn’t the last after all maybe this was. The boy from 3A walked up the street he was crying he was scared of his own blood he kept cursing me I sat down on the fence to dry my face and wait till he was gone the children came out of the kindergarten all the way home I walked close to a neighbor of ours who had come to get her child.

Mom opened the door. Shh shh she said grandpa’s still sleeping what took you so long? I need you she said. I had forgotten all about grandpa she didn’t even see the mud and the tears. She was nervous not like herself the baby lay in the playpen in the middle of the living room and cried Di Di when she saw me that’s her name for me so I went to give her a pacifier but mom said don’t touch her you’re filthy go wash and come quick to eat I need you today so I went to wash up and saw my red eyes in the mirror and thought of the kid squirming under me how he cried I dried my hands and went to eat.

Have you been crying mom asked. What made you think that I said. Did anything happen? No nothing. I had made up my mind not to tell her because she tells everything to dad.

“Don’t eat so fast.”

The house was quiet only the baby talking to a toy.

“Has grandpa been asleep all the time?”

“Yes. He’s very tired from the trip and from the difference in time. What happened in school today?”

“Nothing.”

“Don’t eat so fast. Did you have your seder?”

“Yes.”

“What did you do in it?”

“Nothing.”

“What do you mean, nothing? Didn’t you sing? Didn’t you say any prayers?”

“Yes.”

“Then why do you say nothing? Where are you going?”

“Just to feed the worms.”

“Leave them alone now. First finish eating.”

“It’ll just take a minute.”

I went to look at my silkworms a new one had spun a cocoon in the night so I put it aside and gave the others fresh mulberry leaves. Since I started second grade mom can’t handle me anymore she lets me do what I want she isn’t strict with me like dad. I went back to the table it was really storming outside the telephone rang it must be dad he always checks up at this time of day to see if I’m home. The baby started crying go take care of her said mom I went to her there there I said but still she cried I blew out my cheeks and made a mouth-fart to get her to laugh she stopped crying at once and looked at me her blue eyes full of tears she even smiled a bit then changed her mind and cried some more so I made a mouth-fart again.

Mom was arguing on the telephone lately they argue all the time she hung up she came and picked up the baby she took her to the bathroom to change her I followed her there. The baby had a little yellow crumb of BM.

“Is that all you’ve got for us?” asked mom disappointed but the baby didn’t answer her. She just kicked her feet fast in the air.

“The baby will be fat too.”

“She isn’t fat. All babies are like that. And stop calling her the baby, she has a name ...”

“Dad calls her the baby too.”

“You’re not your father and not everything your father does is right. Stop calling her the baby. She has such a sweet name.”

I didn’t say anything.

“Why do you keep putting your hand on your chest?”

“My heart kind of hurts.”

“Your heart? Show me where.”

I opened my shirt and showed her.

“That’s not where your heart is.”

“Then where is it?”

She showed me. I moved my hand there.

“Right. That’s where it hurts.”

“You’re being silly.”

“No, I mean it.”

“Since when?”

“It kind of always has.”

“It’s nothing. You had gym today.”

“It’s not gym, that’s for sure.”

“Do you want me to take you to the doctor?”

“Okay.”

“What are you doing this afternoon?”

“Nothing.”

“I have to go somewhere.”

“Where?”

“It’s not important. To do some shopping. You’ll look after Rakefet.”

“But I have to go somewhere too.”

“Where? What are you talking about?”

“To pick mulberry leaves.”

“You can pick them later. It’s raining now anyway. Rakefet will go to sleep soon, I kept her up purposely this morning so that she should have a Jong nap. She won’t bother you.”

“What if she cries?”

“She won’t. And if she does let her have a pacifier, you can always quiet her down. Make one of those funny faces that she likes. Be a good boy, Gaddi, I know you can be.”

I walked out of the bathroom.

She diapered the baby as fast as she could she put her in her crib she dressed quickly and put a bowl of clean pacifiers on the living-room table and some crackers and a bottle of water and some old keys that Rakefet likes to chew on even three diapers though she told me not to lift her if I had to I should wake up grandpa.

“Does he know how to take care of babies?”

“Of course. He’s going to have one soon himself.”

“Where?”

“Never mind.” She was already sorry she had told me.

“But where?”

“In America.”

“How come?”

“He’s going to have one.”

“But why?”

“He’s going to. What difference does it make?”

She hugged me.

“All right, Gaddi, I’m going. He’ll wake up soon but don’t bother him. Rakefet is sure to sleep. If she cries give her a pacifier and she’ll fall asleep again. Just don’t touch her with dirty hands.”

She seemed awfully nervous.

“Will you bring me something?”

“What?”

“An airplane.”

“All right.”

“An airplane, not a helicopter, because I’ve already got one. You know the difference?”

“Of course.”

“Why did he cry last night?”

“Grandpa? Because it’s been years since he’s seen us. Since he’s seen you.”

“But why did he cry?”

“From excitement. From joy. You can cry from joy too.”

She was sad she always is but now she was sadder. She turned off the heater you’ll be warm enough without it she kissed me and left she said she’d be back in two or three hours. I went to the kitchen and opened the fridge to see what was in it I looked in the pantry not that I was hungry but just in case I found some nuts and chocolates that dad had bought to eat by the TV after supper and put them on the table. It was quiet in the house I turned on the TV there was nothing but lines I turned it off. I took my cars from the drawer and arranged them all in a row. Suddenly I stopped and went to look at grandpa I stood by the door and heard nothing so I opened it a crack and saw the darkness and the open suitcase just like in the morning and grandpa crumpled in bed as though his head wasn’t part of his body. On the table was the welcome sign with the flowers that I’d made him. I closed the door I went to my room the baby was sleeping just then she turned and sighed all funny like an old woman who’s had a tough life I took the box of silkworms and left. I took a worm and put it on the fire engine and gave it a piece of mulberry leaf for the ride and drove it around to see how it would feel. Suddenly the phone rang it was Uncle Asi from Jerusalem he wanted grandpa he couldn’t believe it when I said he was sleeping what he fell asleep again? He never woke up I said mom’s not home. Do you want me to wake him he thought for a minute no he said he’d call again tonight. I wrote Asi on the pad by the phone I picked up the worm it had dropped off the fire engine and put it back in the box I took out another and put it in the helicopter and gave it a piece of leaf too and flew it to the kitchen.

There I drank some juice and ate some of dad’s nuts it was rainy and gray out a real winter day what kind of seder would it be. The worm wanted out of the helicopter I gave it a little bit of nut it didn’t eat so I pushed it back in and flew it to mom and dad’s room where I pulled down the blinds and took out a blanket and lay on the bed with the helicopter beside me. I pulled out the little ladder and that fat white worm that I call Sigal actually slid down it onto the white blanket and poked around there among the lumps it must have thought it had landed on the moon. The phone rang again I picked it up dad’s put a telephone in nearly every room. It was him he was really surprised to hear that grandpa was still sleeping he’s spaced out he said I said maybe he’s sick. Suddenly he asked where are you now what telephone are you talking from he can always sense where I am and what I’m doing even when he’s far away. So I said I’m talking from the phone in your room what are you doing there he asked I said nothing don’t tum the house upside down he said maybe you’ll lie down and rest. Maybe I said. And I tried dozing off because the house was so quiet the dark rainy outside made me want to sleep or maybe it was the queer wine I had drunk. All at once though the baby started crying at first she only whimpered dad’s calling and being upset must have waked her so I waited for her to stop because sometimes she does if it’s just a bad dream like that someone’s stolen her bottle or something like that. And she did but soon she started again even louder she cried and cried in the quiet house it was up to me to do something so I got off mom and dad’s bed and went to our room and stuck the pacifier in her mouth.

She didn’t want it though she wanted to cry she spat it out so I put it back in she shook her head and tried throwing it away so I grabbed her head gently and stuck it in her mouth and held it there until she got used to it like mom does she froze for a minute and looked at me wondering what to do next she really did begin to suck too she sucked more and more as though she had no choice but then she got tired and threw it down as soon as I took my hand away she started to cry again she wouldn’t take it anymore she fought it all red with anger. There there I said stop that crying but she just cried even harder. So I left the room and shut the door behind me and let her cry I looked at my watch to make sure that she didn’t do it too long dad once explained to mom that when you think the baby’s been crying forever it’s only five minutes if you can bear to let her cry for five minutes more she’ll stop by herself. I turned on the radio and went to the kitchen I shut the door to keep from hearing but just then the telephone rang it was Uncle Tsvi from Tel Aviv he’s not so serious like Asi he chats with me and asks me things he asked me now too how I felt and what happened in school and what were my plans for the vacation and I answered everything because I know he really cares it’s a fact that he remembers even long after meanwhile I kept hearing the baby’s screams who’s screaming there he finally asked it’s little Rakefet I said. Is your mom with her? No mom isn’t home I’m all alone with grandpa. He thought it over all right he said let me talk to the old man he’s sleeping I said all right then he said don’t wake him go take care of Rakefet it breaks my heart even in Tel Aviv to hear her crying in Haifa you’re a terrific kid he said he’d call back at night.

I went to the baby she was red screaming in her cage her blanket thrown off waving her hands in the air you’d think she was being murdered I tried talking to her but she wouldn’t even look at me I brought her a bottle of water she punched it so hard that it fell on the floor so I stood on a chair and turned her on her tummy she quieted down for a second then she began to groan and tried crawling forward as if she were going somewhere. I thought at least that will tire her out but she started choking on the sheet so I turned her back on her back she was really sobbing now I was so mad at mom for leaving me with her without permission even to lift her so I went and slowly opened the door of the room where grandpa was sleeping maybe he’d hear and come help.

He didn’t move though he didn’t hear a thing he lay like a pile of rags by the wall covered by a white blanket with only his skinny feet sticking out. Grandpa I whispered to this man I didn’t know I almost cried but he was in an awfully deep sleep.

The baby kept crying she didn’t mean to stop at all. I brought her a cracker she didn’t want it I crumbled it and sifted it into her open mouth she didn’t even know it was there she didn’t look at me she just screamed and bawled at the ceiling with her arms in the air. I tried pulling down the bars of her crib but I couldn’t I never did get the hang of it. So I ate the cracker I took off my shoes I stood on the chair and climbed over the bars into the crib that once was mine. What is it Rakefet? There there that’s enough but she was screaming too hard to hear me so I picked her up carefully so as not to crush her head in the place mom warns dad about because there’s an opening there where her brains are going to grow. She cried a little less and then she stopped. I sat in the crib feeling the rubber sheet under me with the baby on my knees I raised her head a bit and gave her the pacifier she sucked it and gave me a worried look like I was the problem not her the tears stopped all at once mom once explained to me that crying is talking for babies that’s their language just then she shut her eyes and turned red again at first I didn’t realize then I smelled what she was doing. She kept straining harder and harder her forehead all creased like an old lady’s. So I slid my knees out from under her and eased her back into the crib she was happy now she put her fist in her mouth to eat I climbed back over the bars and left the room. It was quiet for maybe five minutes she even sang and talked out loud until I heard a little sob she was calling me again so I closed the door maybe she’d wear herself out and go to sleep mom said that she’d been up all morning. I went to mom and dad’s room to look for the silkworm I found it crawling in the dark beneath the bed I picked it up and put it in the helicopter to fly it back to earth. The telephone rang it was Grandma Rachel our other grandma never calls because she’s sick.

Gaddi darling she said do you know who this is. Yes I said. So she said this is grandma on the phone so I said yes. So she said it’s been ages since I’ve seen you Gaddi why don’t you come to visit me don’t you know it’s hard for grandma to come to you because of those stairs. So I said yes. So she said why don’t you ask your father and mother to bring you to me you have vacation now don’t you want to spend some time with me so I said yes. So she said your grandpa came last night from America aren’t you glad that your grandpa is here so I said yes. What did he bring you will you tell grandma so I said yes. It must be a new toy or something to wear will you show me so I said yes. Now darling tell me how Rakefet is. She’s fine I said. You love her don’t you do you help your mother with her so I said yes. I really hope you love her now please put your mother on the phone. So I said mom wasn’t home. So she asked for grandpa to say hello to him so I said that he was asleep. Sleeping now? Yes I said it’s nighttime for him now. What do you mean nighttime? So I told her about the earth and the sun and the differences in time. I don’t think she believed me all she said was you’re just like your father you have an answer for everything. The silkworm had escaped from the helicopter again and was crossing the room fast so I whispered just a minute grandma it was already under the closet I couldn’t find it so I shut the door tight because the baby was crying in that awful way again and I went back to the telephone. Where were you grandma asked I didn’t want to tell her about the worm because she wouldn’t understand it would disgust her so I said I thought Rakefet was crying but she isn’t. I always lie to her the lies come all by themselves it’s like she wants to be lied to.

“Rakefet’s there? Your mother didn’t take her with her?”

“No, she’s asleep.”

“And you’re all alone with her. They left you all alone with her.”

“What’s wrong with that? Grandpa’s here too.”

“But he’s sleeping.”

“He’ll get up if I ask him to.”

“Gaddi, darling, be careful. Where is she?”

“In her crib.”

“Whatever you do don’t lift her. You might drop her.”

“I won’t.”

“And when your father and mother come home tell them that I just called to say hello and that they shouldn’t leave you alone with the baby.”

“I will.”

“And be sure you don’t lift her. You might drop her and paralyze her for life. You wouldn’t want a paralyzed sister, would you?”

“No.”

“So be careful, darling. Isn’t that her crying now?”

I covered the receiver with my hand to keep her from hearing the awful screams.

“No.”

I waited for her to say something else but she didn’t so slowly I hung up.

The baby really was crying again not just crying but one long loud wail. I didn’t know what to do I went back to her with a pacifier and the bottle and the ring of keys but she just pushed them away so I left the room and turned on the TV to drown her out I watched an English lesson but Rakefet was louder than it she even started calling my name Di Di Di her troubles were making her smarter. I couldn’t take it anymore. I went back to her she was purple tears ran down her face she stank from what she had done. I really felt sorry for her. And so then I made up my mind. I went to the clothes closet and found an old raincoat of mine and put it on I put on a woolen hat and dad’s leather gloves and tied a kerchief of mom’s over my mouth. Then I went to the kitchen and took the sugar tongs and pushed the chair against the crib again but this time I kept on my shoes I climbed over the bars and got back in with her. I opened her diaper without getting too near I turned her on her side with the tongs together with the full wet diaper I pulled it away from her without looking all at once she was half naked and kicking her legs in the air. I threw the tongs into a corner of the room I gave her the water bottle she grabbed it and drank almost all of it right away she was feeling fine now she started to sing. So I said you feel better now don’t you Di Di got rid of all that doody for you she listened and made a surprised sort of sound as though to get me to laugh she turned her head to look at the diaper lying beside her. I took the blanket and covered her to keep her warm and ran out of the room ahead of the smell. It was already five o’clock and still raining. I looked at myself in the mirror I was awfully funny-looking with those gloves and the hat and the coat though they hadn’t scared Rakefet maybe they’d go well with a rifle I thought so I took my gun and lay down behind the armchair in an ambush. Now and then I fired a shot it’s a game that once I liked better. The house was quiet. The baby didn’t make a sound. Suddenly I thought she might be naked and catch cold. So I tiptoed in and saw that the blanket had really fallen off she had moved to another part of the bed and dragged the diaper with her everything smelled pieces of BM were everywhere she was trying to grab one she was talking to it I was afraid that next she’d want to eat it.

So I ran to grandpa’s room to wake him I touched him and said grandpa get up quick something’s happened to the baby. It was weird to be talking to him like I knew him when I’d never talked to him before. He turned toward me he opened his eyes you could see right away he didn’t know where he was he stared at me wondering who I was he put his hand on his forehead he must have thought he was dreaming. I’m Gaddi I said to give him a hint he smiled and held out his hand he pulled me to his warm bed what time is it he asked it’s five p.m. I said but what day is it he asked is it still Sunday. He looked at his watch it said ten o’clock that’s right he said it’s five I’ve been sleeping all this time.

“The baby’s dirty. We have to clean her because mom’s not home and there’s a mess. You’ve got to help me. Mom said to wake you because I’m not allowed to lift her by myself.”

He got up right away in his red pajamas and went to have a look at her it made him smile. Look how she undressed herself he said she must be freezing never mind we’ll run her a bath right away and clean her up. She doesn’t need a bath I said you won’t be able to even dad can’t you just have to clean her with this lotion I showed him the white bottle. Don’t worry he said there’s no problem just show me where her bathtub is and give me a towel you’ll help me a bit and then you can go. Go where I said. Aren’t you on your way out he asked. My way out where I said. He said I thought you were dressed to go out so I took off the hat and the gloves and the coat they were just for some game I was playing I said and he patted me on the head.

It really was strange how a minute ago he was fast asleep and now he was running around the house in pajamas tall and queer with a big head of white hair and bright eyes not stooped or slow hardly old-looking at all. And the baby too who’d been quiet after maybe eating some of her own crap looked curiously at her new grandpa she was finished crying she just babbled on and on. Grandpa wrapped her in a sheet and lifted her out of the crib she kept watching me to see if it was all right.

“It’s all right,” I said. “This is your new grandpa from America.”

Grandpa laughed I’d better drink some coffee first to wake me up he said otherwise I’ll make a mess of it can you find where things are in the kitchen? He had this fast way of talking that reminded me of Tsvi’s I took out a cup and the sugar I brought him milk and instant coffee I even put the kettle on the stove and told him to light it he did with one hand I took some cake from the bread box he smiled I see you know your way around here I didn’t answer though I knew what he was getting at he cut a piece of cake for us both and gave me mine as though the guest was me and not him. The water boiled he poured it with one hand he held the baby with the other he sat down to drink. The rain was quiet outside it ran down the window what’s all this rain he said. It’s the last one I said so he said it doesn’t look like the last one to me it’s plain rain and there’s going to be plenty more he seemed sore at it so I asked have you had the last rain in America yet there’s no last rain there he said that’s an Israeli invention so now he was sore at all of Israel. The baby lay on his knees watching him put cake in his mouth and drink his coffee. Every now and then her eyes closed from sleepiness but she kept moving her mouth as though she were eating along with him. All at once she sat up with a whimper so he put some cake on his fork and stuck it in her mouth at first the fork scared her but then she started to suck on the cake because she has no teeth so he gave her some more and she ate that too she didn’t know what to make of it. I don’t know if mom would have allowed it but he was in charge now he was from the minute he got up.

She kept eating and he fed her with a smile she really reeks he said we have to wash her. He pushed the plate away. Who baked this cake your mother? Your grandmother baked wonderful cakes.

“My grandma in the hospital?”

“Yes.”

I didn’t say anything. He looked at me.

“No one’s ever taken you to see her?”

“No. They don’t want me to catch it from her.”

“Catch it?!” he almost shouted. “Catch what?”

“What she’s got.”

“That’s ridiculous. Who told you that?”

“My dad.”

“What does your father know about such things!”

I didn’t say anything. He looked at me.

“I’ll tell your mother to take you to see your grandmother. She loved you so much when you were a baby.”

I didn’t say anything.

All of a sudden Rakefet fell asleep with her open mouth smeared with chocolate. She’s already asleep I said maybe you don’t have to bathe her.

“Doesn’t she like baths?”

“Sometimes. She likes it when mom sings to her.”

It was awfully weird to be talking like that with a new grandpa I didn’t even know. The baby was really asleep all that chocolate cake must have pooped her out. Grandpa was thinking. I guess he was afraid to give her a bath too but when he smelled her he made up his mind we have to he said you’ll help me. All right I said but I hope you realize that she’ll start screaming again.

“We’ll survive. When you were little your father and mother once left you with us in Tel Aviv and you screamed all night long. Your grandmother didn’t sleep a wink.”

“Did she take care of me?”

“You bet.”

“Was she sick then too?”

“Of course not.”

“Why did mom and dad bring me to you?”

“They just wanted a little rest from you.”

He bent over again to smell the baby sleeping in her BM like the smell was supposed to tell him what to do all of a sudden I thought suppose I really caught what grandma has she must have had it then too. And just then something hurt near my heart it was even right in my heart. Why did mom and dad have to leave me with them? Grandpa stood up and put Rakefet in her crib I showed him where everything was and how to fill the bath he opened the closet and began taking out clothes and diapers and a towel it was weird how he poked around in there as though he needn’t even ask all the time he kept pulling out clothes and opening and smelling them and checking how the buttons and the zippers worked. So I gave him the soap and of course he smelled that too I helped him fill the tub he brought an electric heater to the bathroom and turned it on. We put the thermometer in the water but I didn’t know where the mercury should be he went to get his glasses when he put them on and looked at it he didn’t know either. So he told me to keep my hand in the bath and tell him how it felt I kept telling him hot until he checked it himself you call this hot he said it’s ice cold at last he told me to bring him a spoon so he could taste it. When he was finally ready he went to get the baby she was fast asleep wrapped in a sheet the telephone rang I wanted to get it don’t leave me now he said I need you too much. And he told me to close the bathroom door.

He took the sheet off the baby who was really filthy he swabbed her with moist absorbent cotton I held the garbage pail up so he could throw the dirty pieces in it. The baby slept her head drooping down the telephone kept ringing on and on. He took off her shirt and fumbled with her undershirt he couldn’t undo the knot it was making him nervous who tied this damn thing run bring some scissors he said the baby was still asleep. I ran to get them but couldn’t find them the telephone kept ringing as though it were chasing me it must be mom or dad and awfully mad that no one was answering so I picked up the receiver and left it off the hook at least let them think it was busy. I went back to grandpa he’d taken his pajama tops off to keep them dry his chest was covered with white hair I can’t find the scissors I said so he said run get me a knife quick Gaddi. I raced to the kitchen and brought him a sharp knife he put his glasses back off and tried cutting the knot he flipped over the baby who was still asleep but he couldn’t see very well turn on the light he yelled quick Gaddi before there’s an accident I turned it on he slashed open the whole undershirt and peeled it off just then Rakefet woke up and started to cry. He picked her up he bent down to the water and licked it to make sure it wasn’t too hot he put her in but she was screaming she was fighting him something fierce. Here she had gotten used to being asleep and all of a sudden she was in the bathtub she really wriggled and squirmed maybe he was holding her too hard for fear of losing his grip for sheer panic sing to her Gaddi he said so I sang what mom sings blue are the waters of the sea sea sea while he hummed the melody he told me to hold her legs and pour soap into the water I tried grabbing them they kicked like crazy and got away Rakefet was battling the two of us like a lion she was shrieking suddenly there was blood in the water grandpa I said there’s blood m the water he turned pale quick take the towel he said and I’ll hand her to you I’m not allowed to lift her I said I’ll put the towel on the chest and you lay her on it that’s what we did he wrapped her up quick looking at his bloody hand it was his blood not Rakefet’s he’d cut himself with the knife without knowing it. Rakefet stopped crying and rubbed her eyes grandpa sucked his cut finger and said thank God he shut his eyes he dried her carefully and started to dress her you have to put powder on first I said that’s what mom always does. If I have to I have to he said I’ll do what you tell me where would I be without you. I gave him the box of powder and he poured it on her tush and on her weewee and rubbed it over them and over her fat thighs. Do you think she’ll always be fat I asked she’s not fat he laughed all babies are like that. Yours too I wanted to ask but I didn’t the baby looked grandpa in the eyes while he tried dressing her cocking her head to one side as though wondering why an old man like him was bathing her in the middle of the day. But grandpa was in a good mood from time to time he sang some song he stopped to suck more blood from his cut laughing at her talking baby talk even bending down to kiss her tummy.

“She looks like grandma.”

I didn’t ask it I said it. I was sure he knew. He stopped kissing her and straightened up.

“What???”

“Once when Tsvi was here he told mom that she looks just like grandma. I mean like their mother...”

I said it quickly so he’d realize that that’s what Tsvi said that meant it was so.

He smiled a funny smile and gave the baby a scared look.

“Tsvi said that?”

“Yes.”

“And what did your mother say?”

“Mom didn’t say anything but dad said it was nonsense.”

He stood there sucking his cut like a boy smiling a dumb smile as though I’d said something bad. I handed him the undershirt he finally took it his hands shaking a bit he put it on her inside out then took it off and tried it differently he put her shirt over it just how old is she he asked about six months I said. He took a sweater and put it on her too he rummaged in the medicine cabinet until he found a big bandage I thought it was for himself but he wrapped it round her tummy even though she wasn’t hurt there. I’d never seen mom do anything like it but he did it so quickly you’d think that he did it all the time.

What’s the bandage for I asked. Mom doesn’t do that. It’s to strengthen her stomach he said.

“To keep her from getting fat?”

“No, that has nothing to do with it. Why do you think she’s so fat? She isn’t and neither are you.”

“It’s because of my glands,” I whispered but he didn’t hear.

The baby liked having the bandage on her tummy she was babbling for joy at the top of her voice. Grandpa was feeling good too.

“Do you do that to your baby in America too?”

He dropped what he was holding.

“Is there anything you don’t know? They’ve told you everything!”

“Not everything.”

“Who told you that? Your father? Your dad? He can’t keep his mouth shut.”

He was mad at me for saying he had a baby maybe he was ashamed of it.

“No.” I whispered. “It was mom who told me.” I wanted to drop the subject. He finished diapering Rakefet and even put a little jacket on her and wrapped her in a blanket and put her in her crib which still was a mess so he told me to sit with her in my arms while he cleaned it out and arranged it. She began to cry again the afternoon had spoiled her completely what a brat she’d become she thought she could just cry and cry so I made my funny face with the crazy hands and grandpa turned around to watch me.

“I used to be able to calm her like this when she was little,” I explained.

He laughed. “If it was me it would just make me more nervous.”

Suddenly she fell asleep all at once she just closed her eyes in the middle of one of my faces grandpa put her in her crib and covered her thank God I said and we tiptoed out and shut the door behind us. He went to his room and sat on the bed there to rest while I walked around the house I went back to the bathroom the kitchen wherever we had been until I came to the line of cars in the living room I took the worms from them and put them back in their box I noticed one was missing it was the one that escaped I looked for it everywhere in all the toys but I couldn’t find it instead I found a little old boat I had forgotten all about so I took it to the baby’s bathtub which still was full of water to see if it would float and it did. Grandpa was still in his room it was so quiet there that I went to see what he was up to he was lying down in bed again still thinking and sucking on his finger.

“Is anything the matter, Gaddi?”

“No.”

“The baby’s asleep?”

“Yes.”

“Be careful you don’t wake her.”

“I won’t.”

“I’ll get up soon. I just need to rest a bit. I seem to have blown some sort of fuse inside.”

“That’s okay.”

I could feel he was angry with me for having mentioned his baby. So I went to the kitchen and finished off the cake I switched on the TV with the volume turned low to watch some program then I went back to look at grandpa he’d fallen asleep again he was curled up in bed it was getting dark I went back to the bathroom to see if the boat was still afloat it had sunk I wanted to fish it out but there was blood grandpa’s blood in the water. So I left the bathroom and went to have a drink in the kitchen and walked quietly around the house until I saw that the telephone was still off the hook that’s why it was so quiet it rang the minute I replaced it as though that ring were waiting all along. It was dad. What happened? He began to shout. Have you gone crazy? Who’s been on the phone for so long? Grandpa? I’ve been trying to get you for the last hour.

No one’s been on the phone I said so he said what are you talking about then you didn’t hang up right go get mom quick.

“Mom’s not back yet.”

“She isn’t? Where’s your grandpa?”

“He’s sleeping.”

“He’s still asleep?”

I didn’t want to tell him about the bath and all that because it would just make him mad. Let him hear it all from mom.

“Tell me, has he gone off his rocker completely?”

I didn’t answer.

“What are you doing now?”

“Nothing.”

“Then why did you take the phone off the hook?”

“I just took it off for a minute. The baby was crying and I didn’t want it to wake her.”

“Why on earth should it wake her? Don’t ever let me catch you doing that again. You’re driving me batty, do you hear?”

“Yes.”

“You better watch it, have you got that?”

He hung up. As soon as I did too it rang again as though another ring were patiently waiting its turn it was mom she sounded like she was underground so far away shouting in a faint voice saying that she couldn’t hear me that she was on her way home then she hung up also.

It was really dark in the house but I didn’t turn on the lights sometimes it’s nice to walk around in the dark I went to look at the baby she was in a deep sleep so peaceful a bomb wouldn’t wake her now. I passed grandpa’s door he was lying in bed on his back his hands behind his head still thinking smoking a cigarette.

“Gaddi?” he called to me. “Who was that who called?”

“First dad, then mom.”

“What did your mother want?”

“To say that she’s on her way home.”

“Where has she gone to?”

“She didn’t say.”

I stood in the doorway maybe he had more questions.

“Come here a minute.”

I stepped into the room I went to his bed I thought maybe now he wants to give me my present. He grabbed hold of my hand and looked at me like he was seeing me for the first time.

“Why are you so sad all the time?”

“I’m not sad.”

“Are you always somber like this?”

I knew what he meant but I didn’t know what to say. Mom once called me that too but couldn’t explain it exactly.

“Is something bothering or worrying you?”

I didn’t know what to say maybe about the boy who called me Boxer who I hit he might try getting even with me tomorrow though right after report cards was vacation I didn’t want to tell him he might think there were lots of kids like that it’s not my being fat that makes me somber because it isn’t my fault there’s a reason for it maybe someday they’ll fix my glands. So I said:

“It’s because of mom, she left me with the baby. She said Rakefet would sleep after lunch but she didn’t. It isn’t fair because I’m not allowed to lift her and I can’t quiet her if she’s lying down. No one can.

He listened he didn’t look old he was still wearing his pajamas all at once he sat up and bent over his suitcase he looked there for something at last I thought he’s giving me what he brought because it can’t be that he didn’t dad said for sure he did but all he took out was a pack of cigarettes he tore off the wrapper and pulled out a cigarette and lit it he lay down again in bed with his hands behind his head and the cigarette in his mouth. He was looking at me but thinking of something else.

And then he started asking me about mom and dad what they did and how they lived and what they were like and whether they fought with each other. I told him that sometimes they did that it was always dad who started but mom was to blame because she forgot to do things he told her I told him everything I told him too much he made me tell him things I didn’t know that I knew everything interested him he sat up in bed and listened bent over toward me he didn’t always understand what I said so I had to explain and repeat things he kept holding my hand and asking me to talk more slowly more clearly I guess it must have been important to him. Like that mom was getting fat and that made dad sore even though he was fat himself but mom didn’t care. And he asked me all these exact little questions as though he wanted to live over with me all the time he’d been away. I even told him things that happened more than a year ago like the car accident and the night that mom cried and things that maybe I shouldn’t have like the time mom lost her purse with over two thousand pounds in it and dad didn’t talk to her for a week until he did again when the baby was born. Grandpa was wound up he listened to every detail he kept asking me questions it was really dark outside in the house too except for the glow of his cigarette he flicked the ashes into his palm as though it were an ashtray doesn’t it hurt you I asked no he said old people don’t feel heat anymore because they’re cold inside. But you’re not an old man I said because you have a baby. So he laughed and said I’ll be an old man with a baby but bring me an ashtray anyway I brought him one and he stubbed out the cigarette in it he turned on the light and got up and looked in his suitcase again I thought maybe now but he only took out some underpants and took off his pajamas first the tops and then the bottoms he stood naked in front of me before I could look away I saw what I didn’t want to his long skinny body with the scary white hair and a wrinkled cock below I hardly saw it though I couldn’t understand how he wasn’t ashamed to let me see as though I was a baby I left the room feeling sick. I turned on all the lights I filled the house with light I even turned on the TV what had I been expecting I thought what was in it for me I wouldn’t even have cared if he’d brought me something cheap I watched the TV to forget that white hair down below after a while he came to the living room washed and dressed and shaved with a checked shirt and green pants he even smelled of perfume he sat in the armchair watching Mickey Mouse with me in silence. I got down on my knees to collect my cars aren’t you watching TV he asked no I said it’s for babies. That made him laugh so it’s true what they say he said that there’s a new generation that isn’t addicted to television anymore you’re a member of that generation. I’m glad to see that. Suddenly I knew that he hadn’t brought me anything that he just yakety-yakked all the time. That he thought my generation didn’t need presents. He sat watching TV like a little boy there were sounds of people getting hit and of things being broken I wanted to get up now and watch too but I couldn’t after saying it was baby stuff. Finally it ended some Arabic program came on so I asked if he knew Arabic and turned off the set. Then I sat watching him maybe he wanted to ask me something else.

Just then the door opened and mom walked in with her arms full of packages she was wet from the rain. She smiled at us both. I see you’re up father. I went to her I could see from the shape of the bags that she hadn’t bought me my airplane just flat things like clothes grandpa went to kiss her she took off her coat and wanted to kiss me too.

“How’s Rakefet?”

“She didn’t sleep. You were wrong again. We had terrible problems with her, grandpa too, and it’s all your fault. Where did you disappear to? We had to give her a bath and grandpa cut himself.”

“It’s nothing.” Grandpa laughed. Mom was all confused.

“You gave her a bath?” She laughed. I left them I went to the kitchen I took a knife I put on my coat I opened the front door.

“Where are you going?”

“I have to pick mulberry leaves,” I said. “Do you want all my worms to die?”

“Now? In the dark? In the rain?” She tried stopping me but I slipped past her down the stairs to the street. It wasn’t raining I crossed to the other side I walked toward the bus stop I reached the mulberry tree and tried shinnying up it but it was too slippery a man with a hat on was standing at the bus stop he saw me and helped me grab a branch it was an old man who limped a little I took out my knife and quickly cut the fresh wet leaves.

I gathered a bunch of them and stuck them inside my coat.

“Do you raise silkworms?”

“That’s right.”

He approached me now in the light I could see he was a dirty miserable old man. I started home he turned around and came with me kind of limping.

“Do you have cocoons yet?”

“Yes, five.”

“Soon you’ll have butterflies.”

“I guess so.”

I couldn’t figure out what he wanted.

“Do you know how a cocoon turns into a butterfly?”

“Yes.”

“How?”

But I didn’t. So he began explaining to me what happens inside the sealed white cocoon. He wouldn’t leave me alone he limped along beside me he even offered me candy. Just then the lights of dad’s car shone on us he had driven up quickly. He flung open the door and stepped out with his briefcase.

“Gaddi, what are you doing here?”

The old man stepped to the side.

“Yes? Can I help you?” dad asked.

The man started to mumble something.

“What does he want from you?”

“Nothing.”

“Where do you live?” dad asked him harshly.

The old man didn’t answer he turned to go.

“Beat it! This isn’t the place for you ... get a move on, mister! ... What did he want from you? How could you have let him accost you like that? Be more careful, Gaddi, don’t you realize whom you’re dealing with? What’s come over you lately?”

“He helped me pick mulberry leaves. He held the branch for me.”

“All right, come on home. Is grandpa up?”

“Yes.”

“It’s about time.”

I followed him up the stairs how could I have told grandpa all about them now he must be telling mom. I saw her face in the doorway looking at me seriously I went to my room.

It was dark the baby was sleeping you couldn’t even tell she was there I put the new leaves in the box and took out the old ones suddenly I remembered the worm that was lost I went to look for it dad was talking to grandpa by the door of grandpa’s room he gave him some papers the radio was on in the kitchen mom was setting the table in the dining nook. I went to look for the worm in the kitchen.

“What’s the matter, Gaddi?” Her voice was gentle. “Grandpa says you were a wonderful helper.”

I didn’t answer I was looking for that worm maybe it had spun a cocoon. Finally I said:

“You promised the baby would sleep. She cried all the time and even made in her crib.”

“I thought she would sleep. She was up all morning. How was I to know?”

“But you promised.”

“What do you mean, I promised? Don’t be idiotic. How can I promise what she’ll do?”

“Then don’t. But you did.”

She looked tired. Why did I say bad things about her to grandpa? I went to the toy basket I turned it over the worm wasn’t there. I took all my cars and went back to the kitchen and started to throw them in the garbage pail.

“What’s going on there?”

“I’m throwing out some old toys I don’t need.”

“Must you do it now?”

“Yes.”

Dad came to butt in to check up to take over.

“What are you throwing out there? Are you out of your mind?”

“I don’t need them anymore.”

He stood watching the garbage pail fill up.

“Now go empty it downstairs.”

I went down with the plastic bag. Cars sped along the wet street but the rain had stopped the sky was clear. I opened the garbage bin a cat jumped out I dumped the plastic bag in a can the cat stood meowing as soon as I moved away it jumped back into the can I covered it with the lid. Suddenly I didn’t want to go home. What made me tell grandpa everything he didn’t bring me anything he didn’t give me a thing. The old man saw me he came out from the doorway of another house he’d been poking around in the garbage there. I ran up the stairs I felt sorry now about some of those toys.

Dad was eating already grandpa was sitting beside him at the table with an empty plate. I sat down to eat but they made me wash my hands when I returned dad was making some joke about the government grandpa smiled then he talked about America. I didn’t listen I ate as fast as I could. Then I was sent to wash up. When I came back in my pajamas they were sitting in the living room. Dad was saying something nasty to grandpa they were talking about grandma grandpa was hunched in the armchair looking at the floor I wanted to hear but mom put her hand on me.

“Go to bed.”

“I want to watch TV.”

“Absolutely not tonight.”

I went to bed. Rakefet was sleeping like a log she’d sleep on and on like grandpa now like she’d come from America too. Mom took off the bedspread she took a pillow from the closet she pulled back the blanket I crawled quickly into bed before she could see the faint stains from the morning. She covered me all at once she put her lips on my forehead.

“Are you warm? I have a feeling that you’re coming down with something.”

But I wasn’t.

“There are report cards tomorrow,” I reminded her.

She didn’t hear me though she was sad. Had grandpa told her what I told him?

“Grandpa thinks the world of you. He says that you know so much, that you understand so much ...”

I didn’t say anything. She turned off the light and went out. I lay there in the dark. Then I got up and went barefoot to pee. In the hallway I saw them dad was showing grandpa some more papers and grandpa was reading them. Mom stood off to one side. They were talking about grandma I understood it right away. She wasn’t in a hospital she was in a prison I knew it I knew it all along. Grandpa had come to get her out. Suddenly dad felt me standing in the dark.

“Scram! Back to bed,” he said.

I ran to my room. I felt sorry for grandpa. I looked at the worms they had nibbled the fresh leaves. One of them was loose in the house it would turn into a cocoon and then into a butterfly if dad didn’t squash it on purpose.

I covered myself with the blanket. The baby sighed. All at once her breath came in jerks. She must want to wake up and cry again. If I’m quick enough I’ll fall asleep before it starts.