6

Tantric Territory

Going In, Down, and Through

UNTIL ABOUT TWO HUNDRED YEARS AGO, many women did not live beyond age forty. Women were often pregnant almost every year and therefore were perhaps never confronted by how menopause manifested in their lives. Many others died in childbirth. The wonders of modern-day medicine have prolonged our lives so that a woman can now live to twice that age or older. For those who do, the process of menopause is inescapable. The body ages, fertility wanes, and changes occur. A woman either handles it gracefully or it handles her. She can’t ignore it; if she resists, the body catches up with her anyway. It can take her down into the deep waters of her own psyche, into the undergrowth of her life. It unearths. It sheds. It renews . . . if she lets it.

Janet remembers her revelation:

While I was in the thick of perimenopause, all I remember thinking was I wanted to be “put out to pasture,” to be left alone, or to bury myself deep under the earth. Not to die, but to renew. I felt like I was living a Greek myth, caught in some futuristic life in the twenty-first century yet on the inside being invited into a mythical underworld. When I contemplate the meaning of these feelings, what I get is that one calling was for deep rest of the body; the other was for deep wisdom of the soul. There was nothing I could do with my mind—it all had to be done to me, to my psyche. I had to allow it. It felt very archetypal. I wanted to paint, to write, to create. And for no one to ask anything of me.

ACCEPTANCE OF CHANGE IS THE WAY FORWARD

Like birth and puberty, nothing happens overnight. There is always a transition stage from a growing fetus to the birth of a child, a girl transitioning into a woman, and now midlife woman walking through the portal into her elder life. In this stage a woman may feel herself to be in some kind of nowhere land. It might feel like she is treading muddy waters or facing a vast wasteland, depending on her life situation. There may be physical symptoms dragging her down emotionally, sleep may be difficult, and anger may lurk just below the surface. The way she has been in the past doesn’t work for her anymore, yet a new way of being hasn’t yet made itself apparent to her. There’s an urgency to be left alone and to move onward in her life.

Yet just as in pregnancy birth cannot be forced, the transition of menopause needs time to gestate inside the womb of your psyche, the womb of existence. All resistance creates tension, so if you want to relax, practicing an attitude of acceptance is the way. Yes, it is okay. Naturally when change is upon us a part of us resists, especially if the onset of menopause is sudden or unexpected. For some women menopause is brought on by surgery or an illness that has caused removal of the womb and ovaries. Sometimes a woman goes into menopause when she thought she might still be able to bear a child.

Whatever meaning the onset of menopause has for a woman, tension and unhappiness will accumulate if she is not willing to symbolically go in, down, and through the process. For many women menopause is a watershed of all that was not expressed or consciously felt previously—the deepest fears, the deepest grievances, or the deepest rage. Primal feelings spill into everyday circumstances. Just as in the time prior to menstruation emotions can be immensely heightened, menopause is often a time of purging of what was denied, hidden, or ignored—the too-early death of a parent, sexual boundaries being crossed, the deep grief of your first love, the loss of babies through choice or circumstance, the rage of injustice in a relationship, or even what is happening on a worldwide scale. It could be anything that had been shelved for another day.

To ignore these stored emotions (our unexpressed feelings) can initiate a downward spiral of deep unhappiness and perhaps even bitterness that leave you feeling like a victim of circumstance. Yet to meet and embrace these old feelings can open you to a whole new level of living. As feelings that arise in the present, they must be honored and allowed to move through you. They eventually will let go of you if you accept them and give them space. It’s not necessary to try to figure out their source. If you know, you know, and if you don’t know, there is absolutely no need to understand why this release is happening. Sometimes in the process you might have an insight or see a picture that perhaps indicates the root of the old feelings, but these insights come spontaneously and don’t need to be consciously sought. Trust the situation and relax into the healing opportunity presented, understanding that awareness brought into the body has purifying effects. And if some themes are continually recurring, then you might want to consider receiving professional support.

For Janet, her biggest struggle with early menopause was with the loss of her fertility:

When my periods started to falter and fade away around age forty-one, I went into deep grief at the loss of my ability to conceive. I already had two beautiful children and knew I did not want another child, but there was this primal drive that rose up inside of me. Because it felt too early for me, I cried rivers of sadness letting go of what I had considered to be the ultimate symbol of womanhood—the ability to bear a child. I cried for the children I never had, for the children I could have had. And finally one day it all settled. And there was acceptance and I could move on.

Menopause is a time of folding inward to the source. It calls a woman to go within, and its pull cannot be ignored. A woman may have been outwardly oriented all her life in the corporate or business world, actively parenting, and involved in her community. Now her hormones are drawing her back inward, back home, to stay in her home, her center. It’s a call she cannot ignore. Among indigenous peoples and in times past when civilizations lived in community, the women spent their time together doing their tasks, and men were together doing their tasks for much of the day. Outside of the work environment we now are separated into individual dwellings of mostly just two adults, or perhaps alone.

Sometimes we simply need to be with other women—to cry, to feel, to move through our personal experiences. To go in, down, and through together can be a balm for a woman’s soul, so that we support each other to move beyond our self-imposed limits.

A NEW PARTNERSHIP WITH YOURSELF

This is a time for woman to start to put herself first (including sexually) and to challenge the conditioning to please, serve, make others happy, and give beyond her physical and emotional ability to do so anymore. This is often when a woman feels selfish, but the miracle of it all is that when she starts first with herself, instead of everyone else, she can start to fill her own cup. With the light of awareness, she can begin to rest in her being, be her own soul, feel her own heart from within, and nourish her body. When she is contacting a much more real and authentic part of herself, she has so much more to give, and this very giving opens the channel for her to receive.

Trust Your Body

Self-love is something beyond pampering the body and getting a massage, though that can certainly help in many cases. It is something far wilder and far more intuitive. Trusting the deeper messages from the body and the heart, and having the courage to follow, will lead you to greater inner love. The need for a woman to go more slowly in her life emerges as a deep intuitive knowing as much as a necessity. When her body symptoms, life circumstances, or illness stop her in her tracks, her body calls her to respond differently. And the same goes for making love. Where previously she might have gritted her teeth and gotten through, as one woman once described it, now there’s simply no desire to push through, no inclination, almost a sense of “couldn’t be bothered” where before there was a can-do attitude.

Her instinctive inclination now is to hold the energy within, to not seek the excitement of the outside world anymore, to not expel that energy in unnecessary, unfulfilling experiences. Her soul is calling her to dive down, bed down, and just be. She is not bothered to sit in on conversations that have little meaning, or waste time on relationships that lack depth. Her wild soul is deeply calling her into the vastness of love. Instead of the potential to birth babies, she is now free to birth herself into a new life. It’s an exciting pilgrimage that can only be taken alone, while inviting the support of trusted others.

Challenging the desire to fulfill another’s needs, not just in the bedroom but in all of life, is a shift for many women, but it is such a worthwhile endeavor, rewarding beyond your imagination. Entering your body with awareness and connecting with the richness of your “inner body” brings a new lover onto the scene, a new partnership—the partnership with self! An empty cup has nothing to give or offer, but filled with the radiance of your own love, you definitely have something to give and share. So start with yourself and your own body, directing awareness into it as an ongoing practice during daily activities, and also while at rest. And even if you have a partner, your own body is nonetheless the priority when you move into any physical exchange. Prepare the body. Move it. Discover what gives you joy inside, in being on your own, instead of expecting another to give you that. Joy and love go hand in hand.

Making Love as Medicine

If you have a partner, making love in awareness and relaxation can be the most beautiful antidote for the menopausal woman. Using the guidelines from the previous chapter and creating more presence between partners seems to induce a level of timelessness that takes lovers into a primordial space where a woman can receive the deep rest she is craving (and a man can discover a way to be engaged in sex in a relaxed way). She does not have to go out to find the rest. Rest is intrinsic to the simple act of receiving and relaxing into being while making love. In this way her body is replenished and feels rejuvenated. She develops a new zest for life, a new courage to gather her wisdom and live more fully. When she experiences how love can begin within her and ripple outward, she can find a peace inside herself that she may have been seeking for her entire life.

These experiences are profoundly life changing, as they change the very cells of your body and touch your being. Transformation happens for both men and women. Words cannot even describe the connection and depth of love available. It is profound. Because hormones do not drive the menopausal woman so much anymore, a woman’s ability and capacity to open into a silent, restful state is greatly amplified. For a man to experience making love with the menopausal woman means that he will, if she has surrendered authentically to accepting her body changes, receive the gift of silence and sensitivity he may never before have encountered. This transforms him as he experiences a deep relief inside his body with not having to do so much, just learning to relax and be, and so balancing his body, heart, and soul.

Attuning to Love

Sit still and place your hand over your heart. Breathe in and out with awareness. Acknowledge all the feelings that are present and breathe acceptance of each one. After a few minutes, allow a smile to turn up the corners of your lips. Feel an “inner smile.” Begin to breathe in and out of your heart while attuning to something that brings you joy—it could be a child, a beautiful sunset, playing in water, dancing, your pet, or perhaps your partner. Remain there for at least five minutes, or for as long as you like. This can be a beautiful way to return to yourself any time, and also a lovely way to prepare for making love.

Attuning from Outside to Inside

Set aside about half an hour to be on your own without disturbance. Use some music if you like, light a candle, bring a nice fragrance into the room with fresh flowers or pure essences. Lying down, begin with the breath, noticing it coming and going. Not making anything happen. If you feel constricted anywhere, first tighten that part and relax it. Allow your body to soften and widen and be aware this process can take time.

Begin to feel the outside of your skin—what clothing or texture is touching your body. Feel yourself sinking deeper into you. Then imagine you are going a layer deeper than your skin. In other words allow your awareness and your imagination to transport you there. Imagine you are starting to sense yourself from the inside through the layers to the exterior.

As you practice in this way you will start to develop an inner sensitivity to the subtle and fine layers of the body, which will help you become more still in life and lovemaking, more present to yourself. When you develop the art of awakening to your inner experiencing, another world of possibility opens to you. You will notice how it changes your whole being and your whole sense of self.

One female retreat participant told us:

I have always felt a very deep loneliness, but since learning how to be present in my body, I don’t feel lonely anymore. With this very simple information I could really get in touch with myself, and actually I found a real “self” inside of me. Now when I relate to others they appear much less “scary” to me, because I am not on my own. It’s like my inner child can relax and know everything will be okay. When I put myself in this inner alignment, I find I can take a pause if any energy comes abruptly toward me. I can put a distance between myself and the situation, without swinging this way or that way. And I can feel that I am “not” the situation. Before whenever a situation of stress would arise, it was as if the situation could get a hold of me and overcome me. Also this would happen if it was a situation where I was enthusiastic. And now these days, when any energy comes to me and I am aligned, I can say “this is not me.” I am something else. I know that this situation cannot affect my real or true self. Of course it might affect my ego and priorities, but it cannot deeply affect my real self.