I wake up feeling slightly sick about the events of last night and squirm as I recall my outburst at Andy. My discomfort with confrontation is back, if it ever went away. Then I chastise myself. If there’s one thing I need to take from this whole massive blunder, it’s that sometimes telling people how you really feel is healthier than letting them off the hook. But better to get in the ring than throw in the towel.
And being honest, I doubt Andy remembers any of it this morning, in his squall of a hangover. It will have been wasted on him. Elizabeth will be there, all fawning and grateful, yet terrified every time she hears his phone ping. At least I’ve been spared that.
I get out of bed. The nausea is still there and despite trying to ignore it, I feel better once I’ve thrown up. I make myself a cup of tea and sit in front of my computer, waiting to log in to my emails. I start deleting all the junk in the hope of making my computer speed up and just manage to stop myself from deleting an email from Frank. I take a deep breath then click on it.
Jennifer forgive the delay in my response but your personal email went into spam. That’s good news. Of course your job is here for you. Let me know when you are ready to return.
Frank
I’m thrilled. Frank is back to his normal curt self. I email Pattie. I relay my news unsensationally and ask when might be convenient for me to come back. Frank won’t be thinking about any of the formalities so it’s best I sort it with her.
The phone rings and I grab it, hoping it’s Isabelle—I still haven’t heard from her since yesterday despite her promise to let me know she’s okay—but it’s Pattie. She’s called me back immediately. She’s one of a kind.
“I can’t believe it!” she says. “Such amazing news.”
“I’m so embarrassed, Pattie,” I say.
“Oh, stop it! And stop worrying about formalities,” she says. “Joan is still on temporary cover. I think she was hoping it would become permanent, but maybe we can find her something else.”
We agree that I will return after New Year’s to allow Joan a Christmas bonus and a generous notice period in case they can’t find her another position. I’m relieved. This time of year always goes so quickly, the new year doesn’t seem so far away. I realize the passing of time is no longer the threat it once was.
I need to get my test results this afternoon so I can move on knowing I have my old job to look forward to and will truly have my life back. Then I can properly enjoy some time off and get myself in order.
I keep checking my phone to see if I’ve heard anything from Isabelle. But there’s still nothing. It’s deeply disconcerting. I put the phone aside and resolve to do something I’ve been intending to do for days but have been putting off because it’s going to be hard.
I sit down with paper and pen and commit.
Dear Emily,
I imagine you’re going to be in shock when you realize this letter is from me. It’s been so many years since we last spoke. How can time fly by so quickly? It feels like only yesterday we were skipping together in our back gardens. I guess I’m feeling very nostalgic and if you manage to forgive the fact that this is from me and read through the whole letter, then you’ll understand why.
I had something rather shocking happen to me, Em. I was given three months to live by Dr. Mackenzie. Remember him? He’s still going although I wouldn’t necessarily describe it as strong. He told me I had some rare blood disorder and I’d taken too long before going in to see him. I thought I was tired. No way did I expect that news.
So over the last couple of months, I’ve been preparing to die. It’s been very difficult. I’ve been regularly sick, experienced all manner of symptoms and yet, would you believe it?—they got it wrong. Mixed up my results with some other poor woman. I’m merely going through a horrible menopause. And now I’m left feeling guilty for all the sympathy and care I received.
It made me think of you and my lack of empathy when you were ill. I feel bad about what I said. I realize how awful that must have felt and now I completely understand why you dropped our friendship. I really do. How could I have been so insensitive? You were suffering and I got pissed off because you kept canceling arrangements. I’m so sorry.
I would like to see you and apologize face-to-face, Emily. It may not be possible to get our friendship back to where it was, but it would be so good to see you again. If you can forgive me?
I wait to hear from you. I hope that you and Michael are well and that life has been kind to you both.
Much love and shame,
Jennifer x
I affix a first class stamp to the envelope and post it. It’s done. And if I hear nothing from her, then at least I tried.