“Is this chicken what I have, or is this fish? I
know it’s tuna, but it says ‘chicken by the sea.’”
—JESSICA SIMPSON
I would like to take a moment to talk A Little Bit™ about a story that’s Irresistible™. Jessica Simpson released a memoir called Open Book. When the paperback came out, she included real entries from her journal. Before we go any further, I’d like to do the same…
Dear Diary,
Dolly Parton, Tom Hanks…there are but a handful of universally liked celebrities, the kind of people who the mere mention of will elicit a smile, a fond memory. Through extensive pop culture research, I’ve found that Queen Jessica Simpson is one of those people. Her case is interesting because her biggest professional success is her clothing line, which isn’t as flashy or in-your-face as music or acting is. Jess has done both of those other things—and done them well I might add—but her true appeal is her relatability.
I first fell in love with her during the early pop years. She entered the music scene with a grocery store anthem called “I Wanna Love You Forever.” To this day, it’s rare to be in the frozen pizza section picking up a DiGiorno without hearing her belt about cherishing every drop on her knees, a troubling lyric to say the least. I think many gay men (or rather, closeted young boys) of that era became obsessed with the invisible pop princess wars that plagued TRL. Come to think of it, I think it was the media once again pitting women against each other. The truth is, they were all amazing. Britney was always number one, as she arrived on the scene first and garnered the most attention. Many people discount Britney as a vocalist, but I always thought she was incredibly talented in that department. Specifically, there’s a quality about Britney’s phrasing that is unparalleled, but that’s a tale for another time. Christina was the number two, never quite reaching the heights of Brit-Brit, but an enormous talent with stunning pipes. I’ll never forget the VH1 Behind the Music where Christina’s version of “Reflection” is discussed and her ability to hit a high E above middle C. Every other singer was shook.
The third slot was a tug of war between Jess and Mandy Moore. Mandy seemed to inch ahead during the Walk to Remember era, but I think Jessica was winning during that time she did a song with her then-boyfriend N*ck L*ch*y for the Here on Earth soundtrack (PS remember Leelee Sobieski? SOS on Leelee).
Although Jessica “Irresistible” Simpson and Mandy “I Wanna Be with You” Moore were neck and neck, they were always just a beat behind Xtina “Dirrty” Aguilera and Britney “I’m Not a Girl, Not Yet a Woman” Spears. That is, until Newlyweds, which changed the course of history forever.
The year was 2003. iTunes had just launched, The Lizzie McGuire Movie took the box office by storm (by storm, I mean I personally saw it in theaters more than once), Mike Myers made us all feel like we were on acid with his live-action Cat in the Hat film, and the whale from Free Willy passed. It’s also the year MTV debuted one of their most popular shows of all-time, starring Jessica and her new husband N*ck L*ch*y, whom she had married in October of 2002.
Jess and N*ck seemed like a match made in heaven, and combining their star power catapulted them to that top spot in the early aughts. When that first episode of Newlyweds aired, audiences were hungry for celeb-reality. The Osbournes had become a huge hit, but there weren’t many other shows that showcased celebrities in the same way. People who loved Ozzy and Sharon could now get their fix from a newly married couple, and years before social media would give fans access to the personal lives of the rich and famous, MTV was there.
That first episode is shocking upon re-watch. Nowadays, reality shows have more of a narrative structure, and the production value is similar to that of scripted fare. If you put on The Real Housewives on Bravo, you’ll notice the cast members are always mic’ed, with full hair and makeup in most of their scenes. Back then it was more casual with multiple scenes of Jess and N*ck at chain restaurants.
Newlyweds catapulted them onto the A-list. Suddenly they were everywhere, but Jess seemed to get the bigger professional boost. Her music career, which at that time was fledgling a bit, was now bigger than ever. They re-released one of her albums, “With You” became a radio smash, and she started moving lots of merch, my favorite being the lickable dessert beauty line. There’s an infamous episode of Newlyweds where Jessica gets a stomachache filming the promo for the line and struggles to finish the shoot. Memories.
By the end of Newlyweds, you could tell the two did not care for each other. The final episode was about the couple moving into a bigger house and reflecting on their time. They never actually moved into another house together, and their reflecting was a way to wrap the series as quickly as possible while filming as little as possible with each other.
They went their separate ways, and I had to learn to accept it. N*ck finally had a hit in “What’s Left of Me,” which was about the dissolution of his relationship, and it’s also a video that features his now-wife. Jessica didn’t have a huge post-breakup song like he did (#Justice4IBelongToMe), but she did have something even better ahead of her…a billion-dollar fashion empire.
During the Newlyweds era, Jessica’s sister Ashlee also rose to fame on her own MTV show. Destined to be a star, her first single catapulted her onto the A-list alongside Jess. It’s rumored (by me only) that the Hemsworth brothers modeled their career after the success of the Simpson siblings. The two sisters even sang a duet of “The Little Drummer Boy” at an ABC variety hour that I will NEVER, ever forget…
We’re going to have to stop there. The publisher tells me that this book is supposed to be focused on my life and also that they didn’t pay me to write an oral history of the Simpson family. (NOTE: I’m open to doing one of those if the $ is right, and even maybe if the $ isn’t.)
Okay, back to me…the MTV Newlyweds era was truly fabulous, not just because of the story lines or performances but because of the fashions. I’m not a fashionista; every time I leave the house I worry a morning show will ambush makeover me, but I do know about the massive style influence Jessica had in the aughties. There was, of course, her multicolored Louis Vuitton bag, the Ken Paves hairstyling, and my personal favorite…the legendary yellow shawl.
The shawl was worn throughout the entire series, and Jess also had an alternate version that she wore on tour in the early aughts. It was so beloved, I dedicated an Instagram post to the piece, with hundreds of people commenting about how much they loved it too. I even remember when it aired, so many of the girls in my high school tried to pull off a similar look, but most of them just looked like they draped their grandma’s afghans over their teenage shoulders.
Thousands of likes later, Cecilia De Bucourt—the designer of the shawl—reached out to me via DM to thank me for spotlighting her creation. I was honored that she was messaging me, and she could NOT have been nicer. She asked if I would want her to send me one, telling me they are all handmade, so each one looks a little bit different, but she would get it to look as close to Jessica’s as she could. As much as I love to get free stuff, I live in a small apartment and don’t have a ton of space for extras, but I could not say no to this opportunity. I sent the designer my PO box address, and a few days later, it arrived!
My PO box doesn’t have ample parking for patrons, but I was able to find a spot on a busy West Hollywood street. I went in to get my mail and was so excited to see the package with the designer listed on the return address. I ripped it open and marveled at my new ladies’ statement piece, which looked almost exactly like the one on Newlyweds.
As I walked back to my car, I was on such a high that I decided to treat myself to a doughnut from a nearby shop. I gently tossed the shawl into the front seat along with my other mail and headed to pick up a half dozen of the most delicious blueberry and glazed in Los Angeles (Tasty Donuts on Santa Monica). Nothing better than a doughnut, especially when they’re fresh, perfectly crispy on the outside, and pillowy on the inside, with a sweet sugar glaze.
After I picked up the snack, I once again headed back to my car. From afar, I noticed a man at my passenger door, with a crowbar that he was using to, seemingly, break into my vehicle.
I wish I could tell you that I was concerned he was stealing my mail or planning to hot-wire my car, but the truth is the only thing that came to mind was that my Newlyweds shawl was resting in the front seat. Who knows if I would be able to get another that looked as good as the one I got in the mail that day! Maybe I could’ve paid for another, but I didn’t have tons of money to be spending on women’s clothing that was popular in 2004.
“HEY! GET AWAY FROM MY JESSICA SIMPSON SHAWL!” I shouted as I ran toward the man breaking into my car.
I’ve never been a fighter. I mean, I’m not much of a lover either, but I certainly don’t want to come in contact with anyone dangerous, and yet there I was, running to someone brave enough to break into a stranger’s car in the middle of the day. Not only that, but as I got closer, I noticed that he was a very strong-looking man, albeit on the shorter side, which I tend to like. He had white hair and a beard, with huge biceps bursting out of his red T-shirt. Looking like a hot, miniature Santa that could kick my ass would normally turn me on more than I can express in words, but I was pissed and preparing myself to fight little Saint Nick.
“That’s my car!” I continued, “and my Newlyweds shawl!”
The man looked up and noticed me running toward him. (Well, I’m not sure that I was running as much as I was shuffling and trying not to lose any of my fresh doughnuts.) Unfortunately, it was all for naught, as the flimsy box holding my fried dough decided to give out on my way to save my mustard shoulder draping. We honestly need doughnut box reform because they jam them inside a box that looks like it’s stapled together with construction paper. A gust of wind would tear that thing apart, so there was no safe way to run with a box like that. The doughnuts fell to the ground one by one as I got closer to my Honda, and I was devastated. I stopped briefly to consider picking them off the dirty road, but ultimately decided not to when I remembered that one time I saw a used condom on the ground outside my PO box.
“Get away from my Newlyweds shawl! It’s one-of-a-kind!” I screamed louder, this time even more intimidating, weaponizing the devastation of losing my donuts to the sex-stained concrete.
Santa wiggled his crowbar out of my window and ran like hell away from me like I was a child catching him eating my cookies on Christmas Eve night.
Knowing the shawl was safe, I slowed down to catch my breath. I eventually made my way to the car and was relieved to see my yellow statement piece safely in the passenger seat where I had left it.
When I got home, I recounted the events to my boyfriend, explaining that this man was trying to steal my famous shawl.
“He was probably trying to steal your car,” my boyfriend said.
“No, he was at the passenger window, not the driver’s side,” I assured him.
“Did you have any other mail?” he asked.
“Well, yeah, just a few letters that I picked up with the gift…and my phone was in the car with it because I accidentally left it in there.”
“So he was trying to steal your phone,” my boyfriend said.
“You don’t get it. You obviously just don’t get it. It’s the yellow shawl from Newlyweds. That’s what he wanted,” I explained.
“If he was breaking in during the middle of the day, risking getting caught by someone, anyone, in the neighborhood, I assure you that he wasn’t trying to get your sweater,” he said.
“It’s a SHAWL! FROM MTV! And I wish I didn’t catch him because I bet next Christmas, you would’ve seen him wearing it when he delivered presents to our house,” I playfully, albeit also angrily, added.
My boyfriend rolled his eyes at me while I went to the other room to watch TV. As I sat down to watch The View, a breeze came in from the open door of our living room. Luckily, I had my Newlyweds shawl to keep me warm.