A kiss was really such a minor thing, Joanna mused, slowly rotating her pencil between her palms. She’d made a criminal case out of nothing, and embarrassed both Tanner and herself.
“Joanna, have you had time to read over the Osborne loan application yet?” her boss, Robin Simpson asked, strolling up to her desk.
“Ah, no, not yet,” Joanna said, her face flushing with guilt.
Robin frowned as he studied her. “What’s been with you today? Every time I see you, you’re gazing at the wall with a faraway look in your eye.”
“Nothing’s wrong.” Blindly she reached toward her In basket and grabbed a file, although she hadn’t a clue which one it was.
“If I didn’t know better, I’d say you were daydreaming about a man.”
Joanna managed a short, sarcastic laugh meant to deny everything. “Men are the last thing on my mind,” she said flippantly. It was a half-truth. Men in the plural didn’t interest her, but man, as in Tanner Lund, well, that was another matter.
Over the years Joanna had gone out of her way to avoid men she was attracted to—it was safer. She dated occasionally, but usually men who might be classified as pleasant, men for whom she could never feel anything beyond a mild friendship. Magnetism, charm and sex appeal were lost on her, thanks to a husband who’d possessed all three and systematically destroyed her faith in the possibility of a lasting relationship. At least, those qualities hadn’t piqued her interest again, until she met Tanner. Okay, so her dating habits for the past few years had been a bit premeditated, but everyone deserved a night out now and again. It didn’t seem fair to be denied the pleasure of a fun evening simply because she wasn’t in the market for another husband. So she’d dated, not a lot, but some and nothing in the past six years had affected her as much as those few short hours with Nicole’s father.
“Joanna!”
She jerked her head up to discover her boss still standing beside her desk. “Yes?”
“The Osborne file.”
She briefly closed her eyes in a futile effort to clear her thoughts. “What about it?”
Robin glared at the ceiling and paused, as though pleading with the light fixture for patience. “Read it and get back to me before the end of the day—if that isn’t too much to ask?”
“Sure,” she grumbled, wondering what had put Robin in such a foul mood. She picked up the loan application and was halfway through it before she realized the name on it wasn’t Osborne. Great! If her day continued like this, she could blame Tanner Lund for getting her fired.
When Joanna arrived home three hours later she was exhausted and short-tempered. She hadn’t been herself all day, mainly because she’d been so preoccupied with thoughts of Tanner Lund and the way he’d kissed her. She was overreacting—she’d certainly been kissed before, so it shouldn’t be such a big deal. But it was. Her behaviour demonstrated all the maturity of someone Kristen’s age, she chided herself. She’d simply forgotten how to act with men; it was too long since she’d been involved with one. The day wasn’t a complete waste, however. She’d made a couple of important decisions in the last few hours, and she wanted to clear the air with her daughter before matters got completely out of hand.
“Hi, honey.”
“Hi.”
Kristen’s gaze didn’t waver from the television screen where a talk-show host was interviewing a man—at least Joanna thought it was a man—whose brilliant red hair was so short on top it stuck straight up and so long in front it fell over his face, obliterating his left eye and part of his nose.
“Who’s that?”
Kristen gave a deep sigh of wonder and adolescent love. “You mean you don’t know? I’ve been in love with Simply Red for a whole year and you don’t even know the lead singer when you see him?”
“No, I can’t say that I do.”
“Oh, Mom, honestly, get with it.”
There it was again. First she was losing it and now she was supposed to get with it. Joanna wished her daughter would decide which she wanted.
“We need to talk.”
Kristen reluctantly dragged her eyes away from her idol. “Mom, this is important. Can’t it wait?”
Frustrated, Joanna sighed and muttered, “I suppose.”
“Good.”
Kristen had already tuned her out. Joanna strolled into the kitchen and realized she hadn’t taken the hamburger out of the freezer to thaw. Great. So much for the tacos she’d planned to make for dinner. She opened and closed cupboard doors, rummaging around for something interesting. A can of tuna fish wasn’t likely to meet with Kristen’s approval. One thing about her daughter that the approach of the teen years hadn’t disrupted was her healthy appetite.
Joanna stuck her head around the corner. “How does tuna casserole sound for dinner?”
Kristen didn’t even look in her direction, just held out her arm and jerked her thumb toward the carpet.
“Soup and sandwiches?”
Once more Kristen’s thumb headed downward, and Joanna groaned.
“Bacon, lettuce and tomato on toast with chicken noodle soup,” she tried. “And that’s the best I can do. Take it or leave it.”
Kristen sighed. “If that’s the final offer, I’ll take it. But I thought we were having tacos.”
“We were. I forgot to take out the hamburger.”
“All right, BLTs,” Kristen muttered, reversing the direction of her thumb.
Joanna was frying the bacon when Kristen joined her, sitting on a stool while her mother worked. “You wanted to talk to me about something?”
“Yes.” Joanna concentrated on spreading mayonnaise over slices of whole-wheat toast, as she made an effort to gather her scattered thoughts. She cast about for several moments, trying to come up with a way of saying what needed to be said without making more of it than necessary.
“It must be something big,” Kristen commented. “Did my teacher phone you at work or something?”
“No, should she have?” She raised her eyes and scrutinized Kristen’s face closely.
Kristen gave a quick denial with a shake of her head. “No way. I’m a star pupil this year. Nicole and I are both doing great. Just wait until report-card time, then you’ll see.”
“I believe you.” Kristen had been getting top marks all year, and Joanna was proud of how well her daughter was doing. “What I have to say concerns Nicole and—” she hesitated, swallowing tightly “—her father.”
“Mr. Lund sure is good-looking, isn’t he?” Kristen said enthusiastically, watching for Joanna’s reaction.
Reluctantly Joanna nodded, hoping to sound casual. “I suppose.”
“Oh, come on, Mom, he’s a hunk.”
“All right,” Joanna admitted slowly. “I’ll grant you that Tanner has a certain amount of…appeal.”
Kristen grinned, looking pleased with herself.
“Actually it was Mr. Lund I wanted to talk to you about,” Joanna continued, placing a layer of tomato slices on the toast.
“Really?” The brown eyes opened even wider.
“Yes, well, I wanted to tell you that I…I don’t think it would be a good idea for the four of us to go on doing things together.”
Abruptly Kristen’s face fell with surprise and disappointment. “Why not?”
“Well…because he and I are both really busy.” Even to her own ears, the statement sounded illogical, but it was difficult to tell her own daughter that she was frightened of her attraction to the man. Difficult to explain why nothing could come of it.
“Because you’re both busy? Come on, Mom, that doesn’t make any sense.”
“All right, I’ll be honest.” She wondered whether an eleven-year-old could grasp the complexities of adult relationships. “I don’t want to give Nicole’s dad the wrong idea,” she said carefully.
Kristen leaned forward, setting her elbows on the kitchen counter and resting her face in both hands. Her gaze looked sharp enough to shatter diamonds. “The wrong idea about what?” she asked.
“Me,” Joanna said, swallowing uncomfortably.
“You?” Kristen repeated thoughtfully, a frown creasing her smooth brow. She relaxed then and released a huge sigh. “Oh, I see. You think Mr. Lund might think you’re in the marriage market.”
Joanna pointed a fork at her daughter. “Bingo!”
“But, Mom, I think it would be great if you and Nicole’s dad got together. In fact, Nicole and I were talking about it just today. Think about all the advantages. We could all be a real family, and you could have more babies…I don’t know if I ever told you this, but I’d really like a baby brother, and so would Nicole. And if you married Mr. Lund we could take family vacations together. You wouldn’t have to work, because…I don’t know if you realize this, but Mr. Lund is pretty rich. You could stay home and bake cookies and sew and stuff.”
Joanna was so surprised that it took her a minute to find her voice. Openmouthed, she waved the fork jerkily around. “No way, Kristen.” Joanna’s knees felt rubbery, and before she could slip to the floor, she slumped into a chair. All this time she’d assumed she was a good mother, giving her daughter everything she needed physically and emotionally, making up to Kristen as much as she could for her father’s absence. But she apparently hadn’t done enough. And Kristen and Nicole were scheming to get Joanna and Tanner together. As in married!
Something had to be done.
She decided to talk to Tanner, but an opportunity didn’t present itself until much later that evening when Kristen was in bed, asleep. At least Joanna hoped her daughter was asleep. She dialled his number and prayed Nicole wouldn’t answer.
Thankfully she didn’t.
“Tanner, it’s Joanna,” she whispered, cupping her hand over the mouthpiece, taking no chance that Kristen could overhear their conversation.
“What’s the matter? Have you got laryngitis?”
“No,” she returned hoarsely, straining her voice. “I don’t want Kristen to hear me talking to you.”
“I see. Should I pretend you’re someone else so Nicole won’t tell on you?” he whispered back.
“Please.” She didn’t appreciate the humor in his voice. Obviously he had yet to realize the seriousness of the situation. “We need to talk.”
“We do?”
“Trust me, Tanner. You have no idea what I just learned. The girls are planning on us getting married.”
“Married?” he shouted.
That, Joanna had known, would get a reaction out of him.
“When do you want to meet?”
“As soon as possible.” He still seemed to think she was joking, but she couldn’t blame him. If the situation were reversed, no doubt she would react the same way. “Kristen said something about the two of them swimming Wednesday night at the community pool. What if we meet at Denny’s for coffee after you drop Nicole off?”
“What time?” He said it as though they were planning a reconnaissance mission deep into enemy territory.
“Seven-ten.” That would give them both a few extra minutes to make it to the restaurant.
“Shall we synchronize our watches?”
“This isn’t funny, Tanner.”
“I’m not laughing.”
But he was, and Joanna was furious with him. “I’ll see you then.”
“Seven-ten, Wednesday night at Denny’s,” he repeated. “I’ll be there.”
* * *
ON THE EVENING of their scheduled meeting, Joanna arrived at the restaurant before Tanner. She already regretted suggesting they meet at Denny’s, but it was too late to change that now. There were bound to be other customers who would recognize either Tanner or her, and Joanna feared that word of their meeting could somehow filter back to the girls. She’d been guilty of underestimating them before; she wouldn’t make the same mistake a second time. If Kristen and Nicole did hear about this private meeting, they’d consider it justification for further interference.
Tanner strolled into the restaurant and glanced around. He didn’t seem to recognize Joanna, and she moved her sunglasses down her nose and gave him an abrupt wave.
He took one look at her, and even from the other side of the room she could see he was struggling to hold in his laughter.
“What’s with the scarf and sunglasses?”
“I’m afraid someone might recognize us and tell the girls.” It made perfect sense to her, but obviously not to him. Joanna forgave him since he didn’t know the extent of the difficulties facing them.
But all he said was, “I see.” He inserted his hands in the pockets of his overcoat and walked lazily past her, whistling. “Should I sit here or would you prefer the next booth?”
“Don’t be silly.”
“I’m not going to comment on that.”
“For heaven’s sake,” Joanna hissed, “sit down before someone notices you.”
“Someone notices me? Lady, you’re wearing sunglasses at night, in the dead of winter, and with that scarf tied around your chin you look like an immigrant fresh off the boat.”
“Tanner,” she said, “this is not the time to crack jokes.”
A smile lifted his features as he slid into the booth opposite her. He reached for a menu. “Are you hungry?”
“No.” His attitude was beginning to annoy her. “I’m just having coffee.”
“Nicole cooked dinner tonight, and frankly I’m starving.”
When the waitress appeared he ordered a complete dinner. Joanna asked for coffee.
“Okay, what’s up, Sherlock?” he asked, once the coffee had been poured.
“To begin with I…I think Kristen and Nicole saw you kiss me the other night.”
He made no comment, but his brow puckered slightly.
“It seems the two of them have been talking, and from what I gather they’re interested in getting us, er, together.”
“I see.”
To Joanna’s dismay, Tanner didn’t seem to be the slightest bit concerned by her revelation.
“That troubles you?”
“Tanner,” she said, leaning toward him, “to quote my daughter, ‘Nicole and I have been talking and we thought it would be great if you and Mr. Lund got together. You could have more babies and we could go on vacations and be a real family and you could stay home and bake cookies and stuff.’” She waited for his reaction, but his face remained completely impassive.
“What kind of cookies?” he asked finally.
“Tanner, if you’re going to turn this into a joke, I’m leaving.” As far as Joanna was concerned, he deserved to be tormented by two dedicated eleven-year-old matchmakers! She started to slide out of the booth, but he stopped her with an upraised hand.
“All right, I’m sorry.”
He didn’t sound too contrite, and she gave a weak sigh of disgust. “You may consider this a joking matter, but I don’t.”
“Joanna, we’re both mature adults,” he stated calmly. “We aren’t going to let a couple of eleven-year-old girls manipulate us!”
“Yes, but—”
“From the first, we’ve been honest with each other. That isn’t going to change. You have no interest in remarriage—to me or anyone else—and I feel the same way. As long as we continue as we are now, the girls don’t have a prayer.”
“It’s more than that,” Joanna said vehemently. “We need to look past their schemes to the root of the problem.”
“Which is?”
“Tanner, obviously we’re doing something wrong as single parents.”
He frowned. “What makes you say that?”
“Isn’t it obvious? Kristen, and it seems equally true for Nicole, wants a complete family. What Kristen is really saying is that she longs for a father. Nicole is telling you she’d like a mother.”
The humour drained out of Tanner’s eyes, replaced with a look of real concern. “I see. And you think this all started because Kristen and Nicole saw us kissing?”
“I don’t know,” she murmured, shaking her head. “But I do know my daughter, and when she wants something, she goes after it with the force of a bulldog and won’t let up. Once she’s got it in her head that you and I are destined for each other, it’s going to be pretty difficult for her to accept that all we’ll ever be is friends.”
“Nicole can get that way about certain things,” he said thoughtfully.
The waitress delivered his roast beef sandwich and refilled Joanna’s coffee cup.
Maybe she’d overreacted to the situation, but she couldn’t help being worried. “I suppose you think I’m making more of a fuss about this than necessary,” she said, flustered and a little embarrassed.
“About the girls manipulating us?”
“No, about the fact that we’ve both tried so hard to be good single parents, and obviously we’re doing something wrong.”
“I will admit that part concerns me.”
“I don’t mind telling you, Tanner, I’ve been in a panic all week, wondering where I’ve failed. We’ve got to come to terms with this. Make some important decisions.”
“What do you suggest?”
“To start with, we’ve got to squelch any hint of personal involvement. I realize a certain amount of contact will be unavoidable with the girls being such close friends.” She paused and chewed on her bottom lip. “I don’t want to disrupt their relationship.”
“I agree with you there. Being friends with Kristen has meant a good deal to Nicole.”
“You and I went months without talking to each other,” Joanna said, recalling that they’d only recently met. “There’s no need for us to see each other now, is there?”
“That won’t work.”
“Why not?”
“Nicole will be spending the night with you again next Thursday—that is, unless you’d rather she didn’t.”
“Of course she can stay.”
Tanner nodded, looking relieved. “To be honest, I don’t think she’d go back to Mrs. Wagner’s anymore without raising a big fuss.”
“Taking care of Nicole is one thing, but the four of us doing anything together is out of the question.”
Once more he nodded, but he didn’t look pleased with the suggestion. “I think that would be best, too.”
“We can’t give them any encouragement.”
Pushing his plate aside, Tanner reached for his water glass, cupping it with both hands. “You know, Joanna, I think a lot of you.” He paused, then gave her a teasing smile. “You have a habit of dressing a little oddly every now and then, but other than that I respect your judgment. I’d like to consider you a friend.”
She decided to let his comment about her choice of clothing slide. “I’d like to be your friend, too,” she told him softly.
He grinned, and his gaze held hers for a long uninterrupted moment before they both looked away. “I know you think that kiss the other night was a big mistake, and I suppose you’re right, but I’m not sorry it happened.” He hesitated, as though waiting for her to argue with him, and when she didn’t, he continued. “It’s been a lot of years since I held a woman’s hand at a movie or kissed her the way I did you. It was good to feel that young and innocent again.”
Joanna dropped her gaze to her half-filled cup. It had felt right for her, too. So right that she’d been frightened out of her wits ever since. She could easily fall in love with Tanner, and that would be the worst possible thing for her. She just wasn’t ready to take those risks again. They came from different worlds, too, and she’d never fit comfortably in his. Yet every time she thought about that kiss, she started to shake from the inside out.
“In a strange sort of way we need each other,” Tanner went on, his look thoughtful. “Nicole needs a strong loving woman to identify with, to fill a mother’s role, and she thinks you’re wonderful.”
“And Kristen needs to see a man who can be a father, putting the needs of his family before his own.”
“I think it’s only natural for the two of them to try to get us together,” Tanner added. “It’s something we should be prepared to deal with in the future.”
“You’re right,” Joanna agreed, understanding exactly what he meant. “We need each other to help provide what’s lacking in our daughters’ lives. But we can’t get involved with each other.” She didn’t know any other way to say it but bluntly.
“I agree,” he said, with enough conviction to lay aside any doubt Joanna might still hold.
They were silent for a long moment.
“Why?”
Strangely, Joanna knew immediately what he was asking. She had the same questions about what had happened between him and Nicole’s mother.
“Davey was—is—the most charming personable man I’ve ever met. I was fresh out of college and so in love with him I didn’t stop to think.” She paused and glanced away, not daring to look at Tanner. Her voice had fallen so low it was almost a whisper. “We were engaged when my best friend, Carol, told me Davey had made a pass at her. Fool that I was, I didn’t believe her. I thought she was jealous that Davey had chosen me to love and marry. I was sick that my friend would stoop to anything so underhand. I always knew Carol found him attractive—most women did—and I was devastated that she would lie that way. I trusted Davey so completely that I didn’t even ask him about the incident. Later, after we were married, there were a lot of times when he said he was working late, a lot of unexplained absences, but I didn’t question those, either. He was building his career in real estate, and if he had to put in extra hours, well, that was understandable. All those nights I sat alone, trusting him when he claimed he was working, believing with all my heart that he was doing his utmost to build a life for us…and then learning he’d been with some other woman.”
“How’d you find out?”
“The first time?”
“You mean there was more than once?”
She nodded, hating to let Tanner know how many times she’d forgiven Davey, how many times she’d taken him back after he’d pleaded and begged and promised it would never happen again.
“I was blind to his wandering eye for the first couple of years. What they say about ignorance being bliss is true. When I found out, I was physically sick. When I realized how I’d fallen for his lies, it was even worse, and yet I stuck it out with him, trusting that everything would be better, everything would change…someday. I wanted so badly to believe him, to trust him, that I accepted anything he told me, no matter how implausible it sounded.
“The problem was that the more I forgave him, the lower my self-esteem dropped. I became convinced it was all my fault. I obviously lacked something, since he…felt a need to seek out other women.”
“You know now that’s not true, don’t you?” His voice was so gentle, so caring, that Joanna battled down a rush of emotion.
“There’d never been a divorce in my family,” she told him quietly. “My parents have been married nearly forty years, and my brothers all have happy marriages. I think that was one of the reasons I held on so long. I just didn’t know how to let go. I’d be devastated and crushed when I learned about his latest affair, yet I kept coming back for more. I suppose I believed Davey would change. Something magical would happen and all our problems would disappear. Only it never did. One afternoon—I don’t even know what prompted it…. All I knew was that I couldn’t stay in the marriage any longer. I packed Kristen’s and my things and walked out. I’ve never been back, never wanted to go back.”
Tanner reached for her hand, and his fingers wrapped warmly around hers. A moment passed before he spoke, and when he did, his voice was tight with remembered pain. “I thought Carmen was the sweetest, gentlest woman in the world. As nonsensical as it sounds, I think I was in love with her before I even knew her name. She was a college cheerleader and a homecoming queen, and I felt like a nobody. By chance, we met several years after graduation when I’d just begun making a name for myself. I’d bought my first company, a small aluminum window manufacturer back in West Virginia. And I was working night and day to see it through those first rough weeks of transition.
“I was high on status,” Tanner admitted, his voice filled with regret. “Small-town boy makes good—that kind of stuff. She’d been the most popular girl in my college year, and dating her was the fulfilment of a fantasy. She’d recently broken up with a guy she’d been involved with for two years and had something to prove herself, I suppose.” He focused his gaze away from Joanna. “Things got out of hand and a couple of months later Carmen announced she was pregnant. To be honest, I was happy about it, thrilled. There was never any question whether I’d marry her. By then I was so in love with her I couldn’t see straight. Eight months after the wedding, Nicole was born…” He hesitated, as though gathering his thoughts. “Some women are meant to be mothers, but not Carmen. She didn’t even like to hold Nicole, didn’t want anything to do with her. I’d come home at night and find that Carmen had neglected Nicole most of the day. But I made excuses for her, reasoned everything out in my own mind—the unexplained bruises on the baby, the fear I saw in Nicole’s eyes whenever her mother was around. It got so bad that I started dropping Nicole off at my parents’, just so I could be sure she was being looked after properly.”
Joanna bit the corner of her lip at the raw pain she witnessed in Tanner’s eyes. She was convinced he didn’t speak of his marriage often, just as she rarely talked about Davey, but this was necessary if they were to understand each other.
“To be fair to Carmen, I wasn’t much of a husband in those early months. Hell, I didn’t have time to be. I was feeling like a big success when we met, but that didn’t last long. Things started going wrong at work and I damn near lost my shirt.
“Later,” he continued slowly, “I learned that the entire time I was struggling to hold the company together, Carmen was seeing her old boyfriend, Sam Dailey.”
“Oh, Tanner.”
“Nicole’s my daughter, there was no doubting that. But Carmen had never really wanted children, and she felt trapped in the marriage. We separated when Nicole was less than three years old.”
“I thought you said you’d only been divorced five years?”
“We have. It took Carmen a few years to get around to the legal aspect of things. I wasn’t in any rush, since I had no intention of ever marrying again.”
“What’s happened to Carmen since? Did she remarry?”
“Eventually. She lived with Sam for several years, and the last thing I heard was they’d split up and she married a professional baseball player.”
“Does Nicole ever see her mother?” Joanna remembered that he’d said his ex-wife saw Nicole only when it was convenient.
“She hasn’t in the past three years. The thing I worry about most is having Carmen show up someday, demanding that Nicole come to live with her. Nicole doesn’t remember anything about those early years—thank God—and she seems to have formed a rosy image of her mother. She keeps Carmen’s picture in her bedroom and every once in a while I’ll see her staring at it wistfully.” He paused and glanced at his watch. “What time were we supposed to pick up the kids?”
“Eight.”
“It’s five after now.”
“Oh, good grief.” Joanna slung her bag over her shoulder as they slid out of the booth and hurried towards the cash register. Tanner insisted on paying for her coffee, and Joanna didn’t want to waste time arguing.
They walked briskly toward their cars, parked beside each other in the lot. “Joanna,” he called, as she fumbled with her keys. “I’ll wait a couple of minutes so we don’t both arrive at the same time. Otherwise the girls will probably guess we’ve been together.”
She flashed him a grateful smile. “Good thinking.”
“Joanna.” She looked at him questioningly as he shortened the distance between them. “Don’t misunderstand this,” he said softly. He pulled her gently into the circle of his arms, holding her close for a lingering moment. “I’m sorry for what Davey did to you. The man’s a fool.” Tenderly he brushed his lips over her forehead, then turned and abruptly left her.
It took Joanna a full minute to recover enough to get into her car and drive away.