“Wait, y’all, there it is!”
“It’s on, everybody!”
“Y’all, come watch this!”
It was a few hours and a few beers later, and the fund-raiser had morphed into a party and relocated to Lancer’s family’s bay house. We all rushed to gather round the TV in the family room to watch CNN and see Luke talk about rescuing the bird.
“Woo-hoo! Looking good on the TV, Church-Vegas!”
“Check it out! Reverend Luke on the national news!”
The rest of the day had turned out to be crazy and not just because Luke totally walked away from me after what I thought was a pretty intense bonding experience. As Mallory repeated every time she opened her mouth, it was a day that would go down in Magnolia Maid history. After Officer Meeks contained the pelican in the cage and took it off to the Bird Sanctuary for cleanup, we all returned to the task at hand, finishing garbage patrol.
Both teams were pretty much neck and neck, and by the time each group got to their last segment, the situation was hectic. Everybody rushed around and ran into each other trying to get every last piece of trash so that we could race for the finish line. Teddy Mac and I fought to pick up the same Coke can. Zara and Luke and Brandi Lyn and JoeJoe went bonkers on a stack of paper plates someone had just dropped there.
“Get it! Get it!”
We thought we were done when someone yelled, “There’s one more plastic bag!”
“Where?”
“Over there!”
Luke grabbed it and we took off for the midpoint where Mr. Walter had set up shop so that he could be the judge. At that same moment, Ashley and her team were running for it. Racing, running, pummeling. It was so, so close….
“Slide!” cried Luke.
We dove into the sand, headfirst toward the finish line…
… and beat Team In-Crowd by an inch!
The Redheaded Stepchildren went wild.
So did Mr. Walter. After we counted up all the pre-event donations we got from individuals and corporations, the cash in the beach bucket, and the pledges that came through Twitter and Facebook, the final tally on the donations was well over fifteen thousand dollars. It was more than any Court had ever raised in a single day in the history of the organization! We had made enough to donate a big portion of our funds to the Alabama Bay Watch to assist with further cleanup and pay for travel to the Rose Bowl, to New York, to Disney World for Easter. Plus, we all agreed that it felt good to make a difference. The thing that made Mr. Walter’s lid flip with excitement, though, was that we had made the news. And not just the local with Maven Rice. It turned out that a CNN correspondent had been in the area during the bird rescue, and had interviewed us for the story. Since this was the first oil-soaked bird found in Alabama, it was a big deal.
Later, I overheard Mr. Walter call the president of the chamber of commerce and brag. “Billy, we got us some good national PR today, we sure did! You should a seen these girls out there. Best belles we’ve ever had!”
To celebrate our massive accomplishments, Lancer had invited everyone over to his parents’ unchaperoned bay house. Everybody went, even Brandi Lyn, JoeJoe, and their crowd. Apparently, cleaning the beach together had been a great equalizer. There was one exception—Teddy Mac. He excused himself, claiming Lacey Wilkes had called and begged him to swing by the pharmacy on his way home to pick up her anxiety meds because she was getting a case of the melancholies.
Anyway, we all agreed that instead of making good on the bet with Picklefish Pizza, we would stop at the Piggly Wiggly and stock up on burgers and hot dogs and beer. We had been drinking, eating, and making merry ever since, waiting for the piece to air on CNN.
Now on the television, Officer Meeks was talking about how the brown pelican must have dived into an oil slick that was now only two miles off the Bienville Beach coastline. “It’s a real shame, too,” he said. “The brown pelican had just gotten off the endangered list when the spill happened. I’m sure he’ll be back on it any day now.”
Hearing that dark reality brought the mood crashing down. Saddened, I raised my glass. “To Peli,” I said. “To surviving your cleaning and making it back into the wild.”
Bottles and glasses clinked all around me. “To Peli!” “To survival!” “To the wild!”
“Oh, here comes Jane!” Mallory yelled.
I covered my face in mock horror. “Ugh. I hate seeing myself on-screen.” We watched as I muddled through an explanation of what the Magnolia Maids were and what we had been doing down there that day.
Ashley sighed. “Don’t worry, Jane. You’ll get better at speaking in public. Maybe you should take some classes.” The funny thing is, I think she was actually being sincere for a change.
As soon as the newscast was over, Mallory leapt to her feet. “Y’all, we haven’t been Maids for a month and we’re already on national TV! Nobody’s ever done that!” Mallory raised her beer bottle. “To the most successful day ever in the history of the Magnolia Maids!”
“Hear, hear!”
“To Alabama’s best belles!”
“Bienville’s finest!”
Everyone toasted and with that, the party officially kicked into rager gear. Jules whipped out his MacBook and went DJ ninja on the joint, pumping everything from Gnarls Barkley to Franz Ferdinand through the house. Ashley and Mallory organized a beer pong game around the coffee table. Caroline repaired to the loft to read a trashy Danielle Steele novel. Brandi Lyn, jacked up on a billion Diet Cokes, turned out to be quite the dart player and challenged anyone who came within five feet of her to a game. JoeJoe had had himself a couple of beers and joined forces with the Lancer posse to design a MoonPie-eating contest that wasn’t just about how many you could eat, but how many could you eat before you puked. Guys are so creative when they’re drunk.
Meanwhile, I stuck close to Zara all night and watched the boys flock around her like bees to a flower. They peppered her with a billion questions: Where was she from? How did she like Bienville? Had she ever been to Mardi Gras? She played along, answering their questions between bouts of texting with someone not there.
Normally, I would have been curious about those texts, and it might have looked like I was listening to Bienville boys ask Zara about her football-playing cousins, but really I was lost in thought.
Luke and I trying to save that poor pelican, well, it had felt like old times. Like the time we rescued a bag of kittens that had been tossed in a ditch near the park. Or the time we picked Luke’s little sister up off the sidewalk after she took a rough tumble off her bike and landed on some broken glass and needed stitches.
It kind of felt like a bonding experience, a homecoming of sorts, yet here we were back to avoiding each other. Or at least pretending to. In reality, I was watching his every move. Who he was talking to. What he was doing. How many beers he drank (three). I started wondering why exactly Luke seemed so angry with me. I just couldn’t figure it out. I mean, it had been five years, and the last time we had seen each other wasn’t exactly a good time. So I could understand discomfort, awkwardness. But anger?
I contemplated this as I sucked down my frozen margarita with a straw, managing not to get freezer head. Then I made my decision. There was only one way to find out. “So help me God.”
I didn’t realize I had said it out loud until I noticed Zara gave me a strange look.
“Everything okay?” she asked.
“Yeah, sure, no. Send in reinforcements if I’m not back in ten.” I set off for the porch, where I knew Luke was currently playing Ping-Pong with his old friend Henry. I could feel Zara’s concerned eyes follow me every inch of the way.
Out on the porch, the Henry/Luke Ping-Pong match was in full swing. I sidled up to the table and spooked Luke in the middle of a volley.
“Jesus, Jane! What is up with you?”
I raced Henry to the ball, grabbing it before he could. “Beat it. Luke and I need to talk.”
Henry glanced at Luke; Luke nodded. “Catch you later.”
The second Henry was gone, I whirled on Luke. “So you knew I was in town, but you didn’t think about swinging by the house?”
“And say what? How come you never returned any of my phone calls?”
“For starters.”
“That’s all water under the bridge, Jane. History.”
“Oh, really? Then what was that stalker drive-by last week?”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“You, your daddy’s Mercedes, cruising a whopping negative five miles per hour down my street as you stared up at my bedroom?”
“Must have been somebody else.”
I jerked my head out toward the yard, where his dad’s Mercedes was parked. “So someone must have stolen your car then, because, swear on a stack of King James Bibles, I saw it coming down my street.”
He sighed. “Fine, Jane, maybe you’re right. I did drive by, and I probably will again because it’s on the way to places I go.” He thought for a minute. “And, for your information, it just so happens that I dropped something in the floorboard. I had to slow down to pick it up.”
“What?”
“What?”
“What did you drop?”
“I don’t know.” He shrugged. “My iPod.”
“Your iPod?”
“And, anyway, what’s up with coming to my church?”
“It was a Magnolia Maid thing,” I lied.
We stood glaring at each other eye to eye, except we weren’t exactly. When last we had stood face-to-face, we were the same height. Now, here he was, towering a foot above me. And flaring his nostrils.
“I just don’t understand,” I said. “Why are you mad?”
“I’m not mad about anything.”
“Yes you are. Why?”
He looked out to sea. Thought for a second. Finally turned back to me. “Okay. Here goes. After that day, after your father went ballistic, I felt so bad about your getting in trouble. I tried to get in touch with you. Your father, your grandmother, they made it real clear that you didn’t want to see me anymore. You would rather go to boarding school than talk to me, and every holiday you were back in town you were ‘too busy’ to see me. So now you’re back for good and you want to act like everything’s normal and no problemo here? Sorry. No can do.”
While Luke was talking, my jaw got closer and closer to the floor. “Wait, what? No! They said I didn’t want to see you? That’s not how it happened.”
“Yeah, right! If that’s not how it happened, then why didn’t you ever e-mail me? Why didn’t you call?” He lowered his voice. “Why didn’t you come to the door when I came over and cried on your grandmother’s doorstep?”
It’s true. He had once cried on Grandmother’s doorstep while I silently watched from the staircase. Remembering that nearly killed me. “Luke, please, you’ve got to believe me, I…”
Before I could get out my side of the story, though, Luke’s glance moved beyond my shoulder and his eyes lit up. “Hey, babe, it’s about time you got here.” I turned to see a girl step onto the porch, a tall, skinny brunette with long hair and Bambi eyes. Luke breezed by me to plant a kiss on her lips, and I realized that this was one Luke fantasy that had never even occurred to me: ex-beau has new love. Makes out with her in front of you.
Oh, the horror.
I don’t know how long I had to endure that moist, succulent sucking going on right before my very eyes before Mallory and Ashley stumbled onto the porch, their arms wrapped drunkenly around each other.
“Hey-ey!” Ashley said. “Mallory’s looking for Katherine and I’m looking for Jimmy. Y’all seen them?”
Never in the history of the universe had a distraction been so welcome. “Nope. Not lately.”
Mallory’s vision cleared enough to notice Luke and his girl. “Hey, Luke. Hey, Posey. Y’all seen Jimmy or Katherine?”
Luke shrugged nonchalantly, but I tell you what, there was something odd, very odd about the way he responded. “Maybe they went for more beer,” he said.
My weirdness radar kicked on.
“But there’s still tons in the fridge!” Mallory exclaimed.
Wait, did I detect something strange going on with her, too?
“I know! I bet they’re on the beach,” Mallory decided.
Ashley rolled her eyes. “Now why would they be on the beach?”
Luke jumped on her bandwagon. “Yeah, why would they be on the beach? The party’s going on up here!”
“I don’t know, silly, but let’s go check!” Mallory tossed open the screen door and half carried Ashley down the stairs.
And that’s when a, shall we say, worried expression settled on Luke’s face. He whipped out his phone and sent a text.
I lit myself a cigarette and played it supercool. “Look, Luke, I realize there’s all this awkwardness surrounding a thing that happened, ohhhhh, five years ago, but suck it up and tell me what’s going on here.”
“Maybe they got lost,” offered Posey. “Oh, I remember you! You’re Jane! The one who’s mother…”
I blew a smoke ring in her face that sent her coughing and scurrying inside for a glass of water. “Nice to see you, Posey,” I called after her.
Luke snapped his phone shut and grabbed a Ping-Pong paddle. “I don’t know what you’re talking about. Wanna play?”
I arched an eyebrow at Luke and said nothing, which by the way, is a very powerful tool for getting someone’s attention. Most human beings do not like silence, and they work to fill it, which is exactly what Luke did after a few moments of silent acting like nothing is going on.
“You shouldn’t smoke,” Luke said.
“I also shouldn’t talk to strangers, but that doesn’t stop me. So. Jim, Katherine, subject at hand?”
He motioned for me to follow him around the side of the house to another porch, which I did. “They took a walk on the beach,” he whispered.
My radar was confirmed. Ashley’s beloved Jimmy had gone for a “walk on the beach” with her darling BFF Katherine. Everyone knew what that meant.
“How long?”
“About an hour or so.”
“No, I mean how long have they been uh, seeing each other?”
“I’d say at least three weeks.”
So that’s what Mallory had been talking about during our “fun with makeup” mystery conversation. It was Ashley who was being cheated on. “Oh no. Ashley loves that guy,” I said.
Luke nodded. “I can’t believe he’s such an idiot to sneak off with Katherine when she’s here.”
I shot him a look.
“Or anytime. He should just break up with her if he’s not happy.”
“And with one of her BFFs, too. So not right.” Granted there was no—and I mean zero—love lost between me and Bienvillite Supreme Mary Ashley LaFleur. But she didn’t deserve this. I felt bad—about to throw up, food poisoning, vomit bad. What kind of friend was Katherine to do that to Ashley? I knew what it was like to lose someone you loved. To have someone hurt you. To have your worldview turned upside down and peed on. And I knew that if Ashley found Jim and Kat together, acting all lovey-dovey, it would crush her. I didn’t want to see it, and frankly, no one deserved that sort of public smack-down.
Ashley simply had to get out of there.
“Thanks, Luke,” I said, and quickly headed down the stairs to get the wheels of exit in motion. I didn’t have a plan, didn’t even know how I could enact a plan, but I was on a mission. I headed toward the beach and found Ashley and Mallory stumbling down the boardwalk toward the bay. “Hey, y’all, what’s going on? I’m thinking we need to get this party dancing! Jules is rocking it, have you heard?”
“I’m too tired,” said Ashley. “And a little sunburned.”
“And a little tipsy,” Mallory added. “We just want to find Jimmy and go home.”
“Oh, who cares about him? Let’s dance. Seriously. Let’s have a Magnolia Maid celebratory dance!” I managed to insert myself between Mallory and Ashley and maneuver them back in the direction of the house.
But it was too late.
Twinkling giggles and a low laugh floated up from the beach.
At the end of the boardwalk emerged the very image I had tried to prevent Ashley from seeing: Katherine, hair a mess, lipstick smeared, and James, button-down shirt distinctly mis-buttoned, their arms around each other….
“Katherine? Jimmy? What… What’s…?” Ashley’s voice faltered.
Katherine and Jimmy froze.
You know that look on the gazelle’s face on those Discovery Channel documentaries when it’s just noticed that there’s a cheetah on the scene? That was the look on Katherine’s face. “Oh my God, Ashley. I thought you were playing quarters. But you’re… not, are you?” Her sentence turned up in a question mark of desperation.
James at least had the decency to appear ashamed. “Ashley, look.”
Oh, this was going to be painful.
Even under the influence of a six-pack, Ashley quickly put the puzzle pieces together. “Y’all are fooling around behind my back, aren’t you?”
James and Katherine stepped away from each other and stuttered out some pathetic attempts at explanations. “Well…”
“You see…”
Ashley glanced at Mallory. “Did you know about this?”
“Me?” Mallory fluttered. “No! It’s terrible. I’m as shocked as you are!”
Then we heard barks of laughter. From the back porch. That’s right. Lancer and his drunk bastard friends had somehow gotten wind that a “situation was in progress,” and their drunken selves were lined up along the porch railing watching.
“Ooooh, Jimmy’s busted!” cried Jules.
“Jimmy, you man-whore!” shouted Ashley’s cousin Henry.
“It’s like that song ‘Torn Between Two Lovers!’” shouted Lancer. “You should feel like a fool!”
Oh, great. These guys were spoiling for a show, dying for fuel for tomorrow’s gossip mill, and Ashley was about to be it.
“Ashley,” I said. “Let’s get out of here. Y’all should talk when you have more privacy. Mallory, go find the other girls and tell them we’re leaving.” I grabbed Ashley’s arm and led her toward the front of the house, which unfortunately required passing the peanut gallery. “Show’s over, boys,” I called. “Go eat something and throw it up.”
“Aw, Jane, you’re no fun,” Lancer called.
“Yep, that’s me. ‘No fun Jane.’”
Meanwhile, Katherine was charging after us. “Asssshhhley, wait! I hate myself, simply hate myself!” Katherine cried. “I’ll make it up to you, I will. Just tell me how!”
Ashley whirled on her. “Shut your filthy mouth! You knew I was here! You wanted me to see you with him.”
“No I didn’t! You’re my friend!”
“Was. Were. I was your friend. You were my friend.”
“I was going to break it off with him, I swear!”
“That explains the giggles and the hand-holding as you came up the beach.” I couldn’t help myself. It just slipped out.
Ashley’s head bobbed up and down with agreement. “You were wrapped around him like Spanish moss on an oak tree! Why, Katherine? What is it, that you’re jealous? You know I did everything I could to get you and Courtney on the Magnolia Court! It’s not my fault what happened.”
By this time, Mallory had returned with Zara, Caroline, Brandi Lyn, and JoeJoe. Clearly, she had given them the 411 because JoeJoe brought his fighting words. “Who’s done you wrong, darlin’?” he said to Ashley. “You need me to beat him up?”
Speaking of the devil, Jimmy chose that moment to make an appearance.
“This the guy?” JoeJoe sized up Jimmy. “’Cause I can take him easy.”
Ashley wiped away her tears. “Well, thank you, JoeJoe. I appreciate it, but I think I’m good.”
“You just let me know. Any sister Maid of Brandi Lyn’s is a sister Maid of mine.”
Brandi Lyn swooned and wrapped her arms around her boy. “Aw, baby, aren’t you the sweetest?”
Meanwhile, Ashley gathered herself together, cocked her chin up in the air, and sniffed. “Katherine, you’ve put a real dent in my beautiful relationship, and for that I hope you rot in hell.” She turned to Jimmy. “As for you, James. I’m very mad right now, but we’ll get through this. Call me tomorrow and we’ll discuss. Maids, can we go?”
“Absolutely.”
“Let’s get out of here.” We rallied around Ashley and headed down the driveway. We almost made it to our cars when we heard a voice behind us.
“No!” James stood behind us, holding a fresh can of beer.
Ashley furrowed her brow. “No, what?”
“No, we don’t have a beautiful relationship. No, I’m not calling you tomorrow, Old Mother Ashley.”
Ashley blinked. Blinked again. “James, are you making fun of me?”
“I sure am, Old Mother Ashley. Did you know that’s what the guys call you? Because you’re just like my mother, calling me ‘James’ when I’ve been a bad boy. And I have been a bad boy, haven’t I, honey?”
Ashley looked so pained, it was hard to watch. “Jimmy, why are you doing this?”
“Because I’m sick. I’m sick of the way you call me up and tell me what to wear so I won’t clash with your outfit. I’m sick of the way you won’t drink Sunny Delight if that’s all they have—that you have to have orange juice or your cosmo just doesn’t taste right. Ordering me around like a slave all day to pick up your trash. You criticize my driving, make me go to Sunday dinner at your grandmother’s. You gossip with my mother! It’s like we’re married or something!”
“Well, we will be one day. Won’t we?”
A long, endless pause hung in the air, filled only by the sound of crickets chirping and drunk Old Bienvillites spilling out onto the back porch to watch the rest of the show. James took a look at Ashley. Glanced over his shoulder at his buddies. Eyed Katherine, who now was being consoled in the arms of Courtney. He had an audience. And he was milking it for all it was worth.
He chugged the rest of his beer in one giant swig. “No, Ashley, we’re not going to be married. You and me, we’re over. Call my mother and gossip about that.”