I bow in gratitude to the many visible and invisible beings and forces that have shaped my life and this book.
I bow to my beautiful bride, Vanda Marlow, as I did on our wedding day. You have been endlessly visible in your support and encouragement. This book is in print because of your fifteen years of love and persistence. My apologies for being so absent while writing and not writing. As I promised, I will always come back. Love you beyond words.
Thank you to my loving family, who has given and given up so much to encourage my being of service in the world. Gabe and Carin, your love inspires me daily. I leaned into your faith in the writing. Your giving birth to Nico, the embodiment of love, as I wrote about death, reminded me of the preciousness of life. My sweet daughter, Gina, passionate heart, the look in your eyes when I read you passages moved me to keep writing. Ours is a reliable love that you can always count on. My brother Mark, I am in awe of the way you embrace the challenges of illness with such grace. Vickie, my former wife, thank you for bringing Dominic, Nicolas, and Gina into my life and for the joy of raising our kids together. Your love and selfless support during those early hospice days allowed me to give myself fully to those who were dying and my heart’s call to service.
Rachel Naomi Remen, M.D., my soul friend of thirty years, thank you for writing the inspiring, insightful, and poetic foreword that is so central to this book, and for living wholeheartedly in the mystery.
MeiMei Fox has been my collaborator and the champion of my words in the writing and editing of this book. Thank you, dear friend, for midwifing this book from conception to birth. It took longer than either of us anticipated. Thanks for keeping the faith, for chiseling away the unnecessary and shining a light on the essential.
Deep thanks to the friends who engaged me in courageous conversations, read numerous unedited drafts, gave honest feedback, and held up a mirror to my best self. This book would have been a mess without the help of Barry Boyce, Jessica Britt, Susan Kennedy, Sharda Rogell, and Ange Stephens.
Big thanks to the whole team at Flatiron Books, especially to Bob Miller, president and publisher, who saw this book before it was written and patiently waited for its arrival. To Whitney Frick, executive editor, for the judicious use of your red pencil and for seeing the love in this book. And to Laura Yorke, my literary agent, who instinctively saw this book’s potential and advocated with enthusiasm for its publication. Thanks also to Hugh Delehanty, whose early interviews evoked my stories and helped shape my intention for the book.
I’ve been inspired by many spiritual friends and teachers whose words have entered my heart and whose wisdom and compassion I have borrowed and at times paraphrased on these pages. Please forgive my errors and accept my thanks for your guidance. Special thanks to Hameed Ali, Ram Dass, Norman Zoketsu Fischer, Karen Johnson, Jack Kornfield, Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, Stephen Levine, Kathleen Dowling Singh, Brother David Steindl-Rast, and Shunryu Suzuki Roshi.
Thank you to the core faculty of the Metta Institute, my playgroup, whose friendship, conversations, and wisdom have been a deep well of inspiration. Ours has been a legacy project made of love. Bows to my co-teacher, kind and patient friend Ange Stephens and to the pioneering spirits of Angeles Arrien, Ram Dass, Norman Zoketsu Fischer, Charlie Garfield, Rabbi Alan Lew, Rachel Naomi Remen, M.D., and Frances Vaughan. A special thanks to Patty Winter for embodying selfless service, to Gregg Ruskusky for being a mountain of kindness, and to Suzanne Retzinger for assembling my talks with heart and hopefulness.
My dharma sister, Martha deBarros, gave birth to Zen Hospice Project. As co-founders, we worked side by side creating what Martha called “a peaceful revolution whose battle cry is as quiet and profound as two strangers holding hands before death.” Thanks also to the thousand volunteers we trained at Zen Hospice Project. You were always the heart of the work.
Thank you to the many individuals who have participated in my retreats and seminars and studied with me over these past thirty years. Your trust and insights have informed me and made me a better student and teacher.
Thank you to those who gave me the permission to share your names and stories, and to the others whose names and details I have changed to protect their privacy. You all know who you are.
A bow of deep respect to the many individuals who invited me to walk with them through their loss and grief. And finally, to those who graciously allowed me to accompany them in their dying process, to the vulnerable crossroads of life and death. You are my true teachers.