part0046

Hope is a very clingy emotion. No matter how hard you shun it, no matter how much you try to lose it, it sneakily slithers its way back into your heart at the slightest provocation. And that was what had happened with him on that day four months back. Khush blurted her past feelings and his whole being latched onto it like a drowning man does to life raft. And her arrogant husband hearing it all from her own mouth had looked like justice being finally served in that euphoric moment. How was he to know that it would ignite a deadly chain of events and everything will turn into such a huge mess? His momentary error turned into a monumental one. And, if that guilt was not enough, the sight of the girl he loves from the bottom of his heart, walking towards him with the help of a crutch, broke him all over again. It might have been her husband who had pushed her in front of that car, but he had started it. As she approached, he spotted a fading ugly scar on her right temple. And it did not escape his notice either that she had lost considerable amount of weight. The usual shine in her emerald eyes was absent too. God, is there any atonement possible for the crime he had committed in his foolish jealousy?

“Hey,” she said quietly, as she sat on the couch opposite the one he was sitting on in Raizada living room, pulling her wrist out of the crutch holder and setting it aside.

“Hey,” he replied cautiously.

She smiled a little and he answered it with his own rueful one, more like a guilty one. How can she even smile at him?

He gulped a lump in his throat and started. “Thank you for agreeing to meet me Khush. I... I cannot tell you how much it means to me.”

She shrugged noncommittally. “Riya di insisted I see you.”

“I ...I did not know who to ask to intervene. That is why I went to her. You were not agreeing to see me, and rightfully so. Please Khush. I know I have committed a crime here but please don’t shut me out. Di is not talking to me either. Please,” he begged.

“I didn’t tell her anything,” she instantly defended.

“I did. Everything,” he muttered.

Khushi sighed. “What brings you here Rishabh? What did you want to talk to me about?.”

“I want to say sorry Khush. Beg your forgiveness. Grovel. Plead. Please forgive me. I cannot explain to you how sorry I am. I should have told you that Avishji is standing right behind you. I became selfish and acted foolish. I did not know what came over me in that moment. I know what I have done is not forgivable, but please, please find it in your heart to overlook this one mistake of mine in so many years of our friendship. I cannot sleep. I cannot eat. And if this continues, I am sure I’ll not be able to breathe soon. I need your forgiveness. I need you back as my friend. I’ll do anything you ask me to in order to undo the damage I have done. Seeing you like this is killing me. Knowing that I have done this is killing me,” tears streamed out of his repentant eyes.

Pain flashed in her dull eyes. Undo the damage? How? Can he undo the hurt he has caused them? Can he change the fact that she and her husband are now separated? Because of that one doomed chat she had with him to make him hurt less. Can he? She blinked back the tears, but kept quiet.

“I said sorry to Avishji too. I told him that you are not interested in me anymore. That in the office that day I twisted everything you said,” he said when she did not reply.

“Did you?” she scoffed. “As far as I’ve been told you were threatening him with a police complaint in the hospital.”

Rishabh closed his eyes in shame. “I did that too. On the day of your accident though,” he accepted. “When the watchman called me that you have met with an accident I lost my senses Khush. Then when I reached there and looked at you... you... it was bad. Very bad. I thought you were... dead. I went paranoid. And at that time Avishji kept repeating that he pushed you, and not twice-thrice but like a million times, like a madman... I... I lost my cool. I was not thinking straight . My day was not good that day.” Then hastily added, ”Not that yours was. But I did not breath a word to anyone about that once Sumer Uncle asked me to keep quiet. Contrary to what my past action say, I am not that vicious Khush. I did not even tell Karan bhaiya anything when he arrived to avoid creating troubles in your family. I promise. I swear on my life Khush. Not even Riya di know. I think except for you, me, uncle and buaji no one knows.”

“Rakesh knew. Bade papa has sent him to his village for a while,” Khushi supplied.

“Of course, the driver. He must have heard in the car when Avishji was… yeah…” Rishabh mumbled.

They sat in an uncomfortable silence for a while, Rishabh sat looking at her, and she looked everywhere but him.

“Khush, please,” he pleaded in a hoarse voice after a while.

Khushi let out a defeated breath. She had thought about him a numerous times in last few months and honestly speaking, it was not all his fault. And, it was not his responsibility to sustain their marriage, it was theirs. Whether she likes to admit it or not, her marriage had been on the rocks since day one. Sooner or later Avishji and her would have had to face the lack of trust and communication in their life. Rishabh just gave things a premature push. But in doing so he has lost her trust. She knew she’ll never be able to trust him blindly again. They can never get back to what they were. A sad smile spread over her lips. She did not trust Rishabh. Avishji did not trust her. Trust has fast become the most expensive commodity in her life, hasn’t it?

“Its fine Rishabh, I forgive you. And as for friendship, just give me some time. Now is not a good time,” she said pensively.

“Khush...” he started.

“No, Rishabh. Don’t say anything else. I forgive you and that’s that. I cannot give you my friendship or trust right now,” she said with finality in her tone.

“I know. And I am sorry once again,” he replied morosely.

“I need to go now. My physiotherapist will be here soon,” she said trying to stand up.

Rishabh immediately jumped up and helped her with her crutch. Her first instinct was to shrink back and refuse, but then she decided against it.

“Where is Avishji?” he asked.

“Business trip,” she lied. Rishabh was the last person she would discuss her husband or marriage with on this earth. And she will not give him the opportunity to bad mouth Avishji ever again.

“Can I come and see you again?” he asked apprehensively.

Khushi looked at him unsure for a moment, but then nodded her head in assent.

“Thanks Khush. I promise I’ll never give you even a single chance again to get mad at me as long as I live,” he resolved sincerely. “Tell Avishji I said.. hi,” he said a little hesitantly.

Khushi kept looking at his retreating figure until he disappeared through the front door. Rishabh was not a bad person. He was a good person who made a bad decision in the heat of the moment. Her sane side knew that if he was wrong that day, then so was she and so was Avishji. None of them behaved with poise in that unforeseen moment that day and as a result, they all fell flat on their faces, unhinging their ties.

But the good news was that she will be free of this crutch in a few weeks from now. Her physiotherapist is very hopeful that with the help of exercises she will resume her former gait in a year or so as well. “The damage was substantial, but thankfully it was not permanent. Exercise religiously and we can definitely hope for the best,” the doctor has always maintained. That reminded her of the gaunt look in Rishabh’s eyes when he had seen her with the crutch today. And it made her smile. Years back, when she had gotten rid of her leg-brace and improved her walk in Switzerland, Rishabh and Riya di had thrown her a huge welcome home party. Went on morning walks with her without fail and helped with her exercises for months so that she does not slack and her leg-muscles gets strong making the improvement permanent. Kept her very positive and enthusiastic. They were so happy for her, with her. They knew how important it was for her. And now he is suffocating with the thought that he has taken away that hard-earned freedom to walk without support from her. Yeah, forgiving Rishabh was a good idea. What’s the use burning down the remaining bridges of her remaining relationships?

Relationships. A lone tear streamed down from the corner of her eyes. Her dearest relationship is already, in Avishji’s own words , finished.

Avishji has not tried to contact her even once in the last three months that he has taken off from here. Not even on their sixth month anniversary last month. Bade papa and buaji never said anything in her presence but she knew they wondered and worry about them. That is how important she is to her husband - misunderstood, injured, insulted, and still not worthy of attention if she does not count his pathetic attempts at apology in the hospital. That too for her accident, not about the harsh words or distrust he had flung at her. And in the past when she cried, pleaded and yelled that she is all his, he never listened; but when she asked him to leave her and her life alone in a strong medicine induced state in hospital one day, he quickly wrapped up everything and left the very next week. Agreed, she had said that very harshly but in her defense, he was clearly in no mood to hear her side of the story about what all transpired in NGO office that day whenever she had wanted to talk to him about it. Why would he listen when he had already decided that she was the culprit? Why was he still around her then? And that irked her to no end. It felt like he was still tormenting himself with her despicable company because she was in an accident. Like, had she been well and unhurt, he would have murdered her himself. That she is being obliged with his presence not because she is innocent, but for the sole purpose of assuaging his guilt of pushing her to the oncoming traffic. And she did not want that, not for herself or for him either.

Rishabh said he talked to Avishji. What did he say? She cannot possibly ask that to him if she wants to present a united front to him, can she? But whatever it was, looks like he wasn’t believed either. After all, he is her partner in crime. Khushi chucked bitterly. It looks like Avishji was just looking for an escape clause from a cheating wife. She gave it to him and he eagerly took it and moved back to his old life. Guess what, she is also done with him. If he does not care, then she does not love him anymore either. She clenched her eyes shut and took a deep breath, waiting for the wave of pain that hit her heart with that thought to subside. But gave up after a few moments and opened them. Who is she fooling? She …

“Laddoo... what is this?” the door of her room flew open exactly at that time, startling her for a moment.

The next moment she saw bade papa striding towards her with a bunch of white papers flailing wildly in his hands. He looked absolutely frazzled. Following on his heel, was a red faced sobbing buaji.

“Kya bade papa?” she sat up bewildered.

“This... divorce papers, Laddoo?” Sumer hissed.

Her heart stopped. “Di..divorce papers?” she stammered.

Kalyani sobbed harder at her reaction. “I told you it is all your son’s deed. Look, she does not even know about it,” she hiccupped.

“Jiji please,” Sumer yelled irritably. “Can we play the blame game later?”

“Why?” Kalyani shouted back. “He has not come even once to see his wife since the day she has been discharged from the hospital. And, now this! Who do you think is to be blamed for ruining my Titaliya’s life?” she cried.

Meanwhile, Khushi’s throat had clogged in despair. It struck her that in the heart of her heart, she was hanging on to the hope that he will come back to her someday. That he will cool down and come back to her someday. He was serious that day? What happened to this is a death do us part thing for me, Khushi? Does he really not want her? Does he really find her character and morals this questionable? Her mind swam with pain.

“Jiji,” Sumer pinched the bridge of his nose frustrated, which automatically reminded a stony Khushi of Avishji, like so many other things do these days. He does the exact same thing when tensed like bade papa. “Jiji leave us alone. I want to talk to Laddoo,” she heard him say.

“No,” Kalyani said stubbornly.

“Bade papa...” Khushi found her voice , "… and buaji please. Both of you stop fighting. And buaji, please do as bade papa is asking. It’s alright.”

“What is alright? You have just been served divorce notice by his son and he refuses to believe that it is his son’s fault. Nothing is alright. I am not leaving,” she refused.

“He has not served her a divorce notice. He has just got them drafted as of now by our lawyer. And if you can just stop over-reacting I might be able to do some damage control here,” Sumer spat.

“Buaji please,” Khushi implored without missing a beat. Turns out she is keenly interested in that damage control bade papa is talking about. So much for not loving him anymore.

Kalyani shot an exasperated look at her innocent daughter, and all but shot daggers at her brother before leaving.

Sumer sighed in helplessness. Jiji is not absolutely wrong in blaming Avish, but, he will still stand up for his son. He will be his father first and foremost this time. He will not leave him alone again at such a crucial point. Not even for Laddoo’s sake. Like he had stood up for him at the time when he had found out that Avish had practically confessed to everyone in the hospital that he had pushed his wife in front of the car in a bout of penitent senselessness. He had used his name, power, bribes and pleadings to screw a tight lid on this matter. Hospital police, doctors, nurses, ward boys, receptionist, Rakesh, Rishabh, Jiji, watchman at the NGO and whoever else had an inkling of this little detail were taken care of. He hadn’t let Karan get even a whiff of this part of Laddoo’s accident to avoid further complications. He even had asked Laddoo to co-operate as well, which she readily did as she herself believed that what happened was not at all intentional. But who would tell this to Avish? He refused to believe it and was insanely beating himself for it since then. That was the reason he hadn’t stopped Avish from leaving for USA when he had expressed that wish, lest he walks into some police station with his confession one fine day. And he would rather die before getting his son booked for attempted man slaughter. They can sort the matter out in the family itself. He had even planned that he will send Laddoo to him to NY later.

But how the hell did things come to divorce? Is it just a reaction to his guilt? Could be. Avish, he knew, is perfectly capable of taking this life-altering step in his guilt-ridden state. Or is there something else?

He exhaled and turned to face his Laddoo again. The girl was looking genuinely lost but he still asked, “Did you know about divorce papers Laddoo?”

“No bade papa. Not at all,” she replied in a small voice.

“And, do you have any idea why Avish got them prepared?” he settled in front of her on the bed.

“I think,” she stared intently at her lap.

“Laddoo you two refused to talk to us till now, but no more. I want to help and I can’t do that without knowing what brought this on. Please tell me Laddoo. Everything. I might be able to help. You.. you don’t want this divorce... do you?” he asked her hopefully.

Does she? Maybe not. But Avishji? It is plain and clear that he wants one as he has initiated the process.

“Please talk to me Laddoo. If I don’t know anything then how will I help you,” he urged her. “I will not believe what Avish is saying until I hear it from your mouth.”

“What is he saying?”

“That you want a divorce.”

Her head snapped up. “He said that?” Seriously?

“Wait. When did you talk to him?” she questioned.

“After the lawyer delivered the papers here for you to read before submitting in court assuming it is all mutual. Ten minutes back maybe.”

“But it must be three am in NY right now?”

“So? Do you think I give a shit about what time it is, at a time like this? Anyway, you tell me do you want this divorce or not?”

In reply, tears streamed out unbidden from her olive green orbs.

“I think that is a no,” Sumer wiped them off softly.

“Bade papa,” Khushi hugged her father and cried her heart out.

After a while when she composed herself, Sumer smiled patting her head. “Thank God. For a moment there, I thought all is lost.”

“But Avishji wants a divorce,” she pointed at the papers with a ton of weight on her heart.

“Well, if you consider the fact that he was wide awake and hell drunk at three am, and that his voice was suspiciously hoarse and morose, I strongly doubt that,” he revealed.

“He does not?” Hope sprang in her heart.

“I am pretty sure, no. And I’ll make sure that these divorce papers are destroyed at the earliest, along with these,” he produced two letters.

“His two signed confession letters that he left with our lawyer before leaving. One to be posted to Dr. Karan Sharma and the other to a local Police Station whenever he asks to. And he had asked for them to be posted today but considering the divorce initiation and the word police-station, our loyal lawyer ran them by me first,” Sumer replied. “What was this boy thinking?” he muttered under his breath.

“What? Why? I don’t blame him. In fact I told him that on his face,” Khushi suddenly looked hassled. When will Avishji understand that she does not blame him for the accident? That what she blames him for is once again breaking the promise of staying together by talking of finishing this marriage that day, without giving her a chance to explain and not for that unintentional push. And yes, for his running away too. And these divorce papers as well now. When? Her mind yelped.

“That’s Avish for you. But don’t worry, I’ll take care of it. You tell me, from start to end, why is he behaving like this. And don’t deny Laddoo, I can see it on your face that you know,” Sumer looked at her seriously.

And Khushi did not hold back. She started talking. From the very start. His proposal. Rishabh’s proposal. The face off in Raizada lawns. Their library chat. Avish’s innate distrust on her and Rishabh’s relationship. The hug and the chat she shared with Rishabh that led to her accident. Their on and off spats and disagreements over her perceived disloyalty towards him. She did not hide Rishabh’s foolishness either. She confessed her procrastination on the matter too. In total, she told Sumer everything. And the narration brought back the memories that bled the wounds which were still fresh on her hurt and humiliated heart. “But bade papa, if divorce is what he wants then I’ll give it to him,” she decided.

“No beta. Don’t talk like this.”

“He left me bade papa when I was still in hospital, without a word. And now instead of talking things out he has straightaway sent these divorce papers. He always does that. He runs away. Why, he ran away from you too till a year back, didn’t he?”

An unfathomable emotion descended on Sumer Singh Raizada’s face as her regarded this girl whom he had loved like his own daughter all his life. It was time she knows some home truths about his and his son’s relationship. Maybe then she can understand Avish and his radical actions-reactions. Maybe then she will find in her heart to keep loving his son, like he has always felt she did since the wedding. The love that could be the only reason behind Avish’s new-found smiles lately. The time to protect her from crudeness of their world is over. What could be worse than what she is facing now? He regretted not telling her the sordid details earlier. It would have helped her. But how was he to know that Rishabh loved her and that it will sabotage their relationship? She might not respect him after today, but if she can love and understand Avish after knowing the truth, then he would gladly take this punishment.

“Him leaving you he was wrong, but running away from me? I never gave him a reason to stay,” he said slowly.

“No bade papa. You love him so much. I love him so much. Why can’t he see that? Believe us?” Khushi opposed.

“Laddoo you know about his childhood and his mother now, don’t you? Jiji told me. Those kind of things have repercussions on one’s ability to trust people. Avish has difficulty believing that people can love him without any hidden agenda. In fact when I contacted him after his mother’s death, he was very wary of me. Even professionally. To the point that he worked two years on salary basis like an ordinary employee in his own company. He was sure that one day I’ll again disown him to exact a revenge on him and his mother, and thus he refused to feel at home in his father’s company” Sumer said sadly.

“I’d done that once earlier,” Sumer said shame-faced. “When he consistently believed his scheming mother over me.”

“I don’t understand why he would believe Sujata aunty in the first place. I mean I know she was his mother, but you were his father too. Did he not see your love at all?” Khushi asked genuinely.

Sumer smiled acidly. “Love? What love Laddoo? For a long time I believed that he is not my son only. I doubted his paternity. I thought that he is the result of one of the many of Sujata’s infidelities that she has stamped on my head and I have to carry on the burden for the sake of my family name. It was when I decided to get a divorce that I hired a Private Investigator, who gave me proofs that Avish indeed was my own son and around the time of his birth Sujata had no liaisons going on. Then as he grew up he started showing resemblance to me as well. But for so many years, with my wife’s affairs hanging on my head I refused to love or even accept my little boy who was wilting away every day in this very house, in front of my own two eyes.”

Khushi gulped. “He… he knows all this?”

“Sujata made sure he does in order to win his favor.”

“And he still came back to India. For you?” Khushi asked incredulously. What is he? A saint?

“Changes your perspective about things, doesn’t it? These scintillating gems of our illustrious life,” Sumer said in tortured tone.

This is just unacceptable. “You do realize that he did not trust your word over aunty’s because of your treatment of him, don’t you? Is that the reason he never came back to Delhi even after her death?” her jaws clenched.

Sumer sighed. “Yes and yes. And also because of you. He thought you were his replacement in my life, in this house.” There he said it. Nothing left to hide anymore.

Her shoulders slumped like someone has punched the life out of her. “Me?”

“Why do you think he was so rude to you when he arrived?” Sumer asked.

“I... I thought because you asked him to marry me.”

“That too. But majorly because when you came in my life, around the same time I had a major falling out with Avish and I resolutely never looked back at him knowing very well what Sujata would do to him, making your upbringing my goal in life,” Sumer’s voice cracked.

Khushi chest constricted.

“But if it makes you feel any better, his views about you changed drastically over the year. So much so, that he insisted that he will marry either you or no one else.”

Khushi heard that, but she was still stuck on his earlier revelation. “So, while I was blaming Sujata aunty for wronging him, all that time you and me, we too were to be blamed for hurting him?”

“Why? Do you know how I am feeling right now about the time I have spent here? With you? Where he should have been? Laughing and loving? I always thought of you as... ” she could not speak anymore as tears spilled over.

“Why are you telling me all this now?” she wiped her tears off.

“So that you know where he is coming from. So that you don’t leave him,” he replied candidly. “I have to live with my wrong actions, wrong decisions and lost years of happiness whether I like it or not now. I cannot change the course of my life. But you can. And I can see it in your eyes that you want to. You love him Laddoo. Don’t let him drift away amid misunderstandings and egos. Don’t make the same mistakes I made with him. I have never asked anything from you till date beta, but today I want to be selfish and ask you to make things work with Avish. Make this marriage work. Love him like he deserves to be loved. Put up with him until he comes around. Show him what unconditional happiness, unconditional love means.”

Silence floated in that room for a long time after that. While Sumer was drowning in his horrid memories and Khushi was still trying to wrap her head around new revelations. Avishji has suffered this much in this house? And here she thought his mother’s betrayal was the limit of atrocity. It never occurred to her that bade papa could do something like this. But who is she to blame him? When did she herself tried to understand her husband’s heart truly? And she would be lying if she would say that the accusation that he is unnecessarily punishing her for his mother’s misdeeds did not cross her mind, more than once. But it was not just his mother’s betrayal that he was dealing with. He was also dealing with his father’s indifference. His father’s inability to accept him as his own son; a ruined lonely childhood. And after going through all of that, battling with demons of such magnitude, he had placed his life in her hands. And what did she do? Instead of appeasing his concerns, she aggravated them owing to her blind faith in her friend. And some price she paid for that faith and made him pay alongside. Granted, she was blindsided, but even then she cannot lay all the blame on his door. She accused him of not trusting her, but in his own way he was doing exactly that all along. When he proposed marriage to her, when he married her in spite of the Rishabh fiasco, when he gave in to her demand to work at NGO with Rishabh, when he let that hug slide. So was he wrong in behaving the way he did in the end?

However wobbly, they were moving forward in their marriage before that nasty setback. He was TRYING too in his own way. Her error of judgment made him give up on her, on them. It was not like one day he woke up and decided to do so in his own accord. And now too, bade papa is saying that he does not look interested in a divorce. Well, she’ll too hear it straight from the horse’s mouth to believe it. She is not going to go all filmy and sign these damned papers because he thinks that ‘she would want a divorce’. She will not let his ‘don’t exert yourself Khushi, there is nothing to talk about’ that he has spewed consistently in the hospital deter her from communicating clearly with him this time. Talk, they will. Clearly and honestly.

What will happen at the most, he will stay adamant on divorcing her. If she gives up before trying, then also this divorce is happening. And she refuses to go down without a fight for her love, her husband. Now she can only pray to God that what bade papa is thinking is right and she gets a chance to save her marriage.