KRISH PULLED back from the kiss to see a group of kids with cell phones out watching them kiss.
“Oh, sorry. We just… could we have a picture?”
Silas smiled at his fans. “You know what? How about you guys come by the meet ’n’ greet at the tent after our set? I’ll make sure to take pictures with you guys then.”
The girls smiled and giggled as they hurried away. Krish heard one of them squealing, “They’re so cute!”
“I’m sorry,” Krish said, feeling bad that Silas had been caught with him.
Silas shrugged. “It’s better than in the fucking head. I’ve had guys ask for pictures in the bathroom, dude. That’s weird.”
“It doesn’t bother you? Getting caught like this?”
Silas shrugged. “At least our dicks weren’t out or anything. I’ve worked really hard to keep my junk off social media.”
They both laughed, but Krish’s chest was tight and sweat dripped down his back despite it not being too warm yet. Having the alone time with Silas was exceptional, and he’d seen so much of what went on behind the scenes that morning, but it was definitely strange being on display. They walked back toward the Left Foot stage.
“You were so cool about it,” Krish said. “You’re so good to everyone.”
“Maybe. Maybe I’m trying to impress you,” he said as though he were trying to brush off any seriousness in the moment.
“It’s true, though. Even watching you make breakfast. You were so generous, making sure everyone else got to eat before you. You could have just fed them Pop-Tarts, but you cooked them actual food.”
“They’re my family. That’s what we do.”
“Where is your real family, Silas?”
Krish worried he’d pushed it too far, but Silas had talked to his mom on the phone. Asking personal questions should be part of the plan if they were to the point of walking around holding hands, right?
Yeah, but you still haven’t told him.
“Um… my mom lives somewhere out near Stockton with her boyfriend, I think. We were close when I was little, but we don’t talk much anymore. She’s moved on with her life. My dad is in prison for armed robbery. My little sister is married and living in Texas, last I heard. Her husband is in the Army. That’s the Franklin family creed right there—scatter and survive.”
Backdrop Silhouette took the stage, and Silas and Krish stopped to watch them play. Ryan was in snarky form, strutting back and forth across the stage, engaging people in the crowd as he went. He shouted for them to get the circle pit going, and they obliged him. He mocked the people along the back, encouraging them to get a little dirty as they launched into their newest hit, “Dirty Work.” Then he slid off his black leather jacket and rubbed his stomach tattoo that said Alive and Kicking. He let his hand wander down to cup himself, sending the girls in the audience squealing with delight. Krish watched as Silas shook his head.
“You guys ever thought about adding a bass player? Free up your hands?”
Silas snorted. “So I can grab my dick onstage? Nah. I feel better having something to do with my hands,” he said, raising an eyebrow at Krish.
“You are good with your hands,” Krish said quietly, but Silas heard him, and they had a moment of electricity that went straight to his groin.
“Yeah, well, I think I might need to do some more practice later.”
“I like being your practice.”
Krish’s knees went weak when Silas licked his lips. That piercing was going to be the death of him.
“You’re dangerous,” Silas said. “My plan to get you away from horizontal surfaces is feeling like a bad one right about now.”
Krish laughed. “I know. But there’s time. I’m just happy to be here with you, watching… Ryan. Is he…?”
They looked up to find Ryan with his hand in his leather pants, and they both cracked up. Ryan was a bad-boy tractor beam for temptation of the worst kind. You knew after a night with him your heart would be torn out of your chest and stomped on, and yet you would let yourself get sucked in.
“Dude is a mess,” Silas said. “Hotter than hell, and he knows it.” He shook his head. “He’s so damned talented, though. He doesn’t need the show, you know? He could stand up there in a boring suit, and his voice and lyrics would stand on their own.”
“Agreed,” Krish said. “Their albums keep getting better and better too. I love how much he’s matured as a songwriter.”
Krish took in the rest of the band and bobbed his head to the beat. Burke Dickens was fucking brilliant. Whatever happened with Jake aside, he was one of the best lead guitar players in their subgenre. Burke was a bit of a stoic dude, however. Rather than showboating, he played his guitar as though no one was watching, making love to the damn thing. He had long, straight brown hair that looked more ’90s metal than the current metalcore do’s, and he preferred denim to leather, unlike the rest of his band. Krish could totally see why Jake had fallen for the guy as a teen. The strong silent types definitely had appeal.
The set ended with a series of acrobatics by Ryan, including a standing back flip that made Krish suck in a breath. Ryan was built like a gymnast, ripped and stocky. He’d once joked in an interview that prison would do that to you.
“That was awesome,” Krish said. “I haven’t seen them live but a couple of times.”
The crowd broke up a little as fans pushed closer to see the next band on the Right Foot Stage, which happened to be The Maine. Krish knew Jake wouldn’t miss seeing them. He glanced around for him, but it was a lost cause.
“They always bring it live, although now that Ryan is sober, there’s less potential for a trainwreck performance.”
Krish and Silas walked down a row of tents, and several of the people selling merch waved to Silas. He smiled and waved even while sharing what was obviously not a comfortable subject with Krish.
“And here you are, surviving. Smiling and waving. Does it ever get too much?”
Silas’s smile changed from a friendly-but-distant smile to a more private and sad one. “It does. That’s when I miss Gavin the most.”
Krish nodded and looked forward. Man, could he relate to that. He missed Vivaan so much it hurt. He’d been Krish’s best friend, mentor, and all-around rock. Without Viv, there’d been many lonely nights.
“How do you deal?” Krish asked in a soft voice, gazing down at Silas. Silas stopped walking and sighed.
“Writing—song lyrics, poetry, whatever. Letters to Gavin. The Guru mentioned that in a blog once. He said he wrote letters to his brother who died and that helped him make it through.” Silas smiled. “He’s a pretty smart guy.”
Krish’s throat went really dry and it was like that chestburster was back. You could tell him. You’d feel way less guilty.
“Writing is a good outlet.”
Chickenshit.
Silas stared at him for a long moment and then shook his head.
It’s now or never…. Krish started to speak when Los came running up.
“Dude,” Los said. “Jessica’s looking for you. She needs you for an interview.”
Silas looked to Krish. “You want to walk back with me? I understand if you want to stay—”
“I’m coming with you.” And as soon as Silas was free, Krish was going to tell him everything.
Silas’s smile touched a place that had been cold for so long, and it lit Krish up from the inside. The chestburster was still scraping at his insides, screaming guilty, guilty, guilty, but part of him felt warm and hopeful for the first time since Viv left him.
“Did you guys hear about Jake?”
Krish and Silas both whipped their heads in Los’s direction.
“Is he okay?” Krish asked, feeling guilty he’d all but ditched his friend.
“Well, mostly. But dude, he hooked up with Burke Dickens. Like, when he was still a teenager. That’s why Jordan wanted us to leave him alone. I guess it was total drama.”
Silas laughed. “That explains why Burke looked so miserable last night while Jake was singing with Jordan. Did you hear what they were singing?”
Los rolled his eyes. “‘Stuck In Your Head,’ by I Prevail. Ohhh fuck! Now that makes perfect sense. I just thought they were being assholes.”
Krish smiled to himself. Jake had told him about his fling with Burke. It had not ended well, and Jake was messed up for a long time afterward, but he said he didn’t regret it. Jake thought anything you could learn from was never a mistake. It kind of brought the old saying to Krish’s mind—Tis better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all. Jake felt that way. Krish had never been in love, but he hated how miserable Jake was after it happened. They were freshmen at the time, and Jake was barely eighteen. It hadn’t made Krish want to put his heart out there. But here with Silas? He was ready to go all in.
“So, Krish, Jake said you teach music lessons. You any good?”
Silas snorted, and Krish could tell this was Los’s way of being the protective friend. He didn’t blame him one bit.
“I know enough to teach young kids the basics. It’s fun.”
Los made a face. “Kids?” He shuddered. “I totally don’t have the patience to deal with kids.”
“I love kids. I love it when they, like, get it, you know? When it all comes together.”
Silas smiled at him. “That’s hella cool.”
Los rolled his eyes again. Krish hoped it was that he was being protective and not that he had some other reason to dislike him. Shit. What if he knows?
They’d made it to the back-gate area, and Krish followed Los and Silas toward the bus. Jessica came out to meet them.
“Thank goodness. I need you, Si.”
Silas turned to Krish. “Would you excuse me? I’ll be back as soon as I can. You can head over to the food area if you want. Or whatever. I’m sorry.”
Krish tried to put on a brave smile, but he was feeling pretty awkward. “Sure. Don’t worry about me. Go do whatever you need to do.”
Silas pushed up on his toes, kissed Krish, and blushed as he backed away with a goofy grin on his face.
Krish could really get used to that expression.
His phone buzzed in his pocket. He pulled it out, and that chestburster broke free.
Alt-Scene was displayed on his caller ID. He glanced around to be sure no one was close enough to hear and then he answered.
“Hello?”
“Hey, Krish? This is Chaz Vella, editor in chief of Alt-Scene magazine. How are you?”
The EIC? Shitting my pants. “Good. Uh, how are you?”
“Great. Sorry to call you on a Saturday, but I spoke with Monique, and we were wondering if you could come in to our San Francisco office on Monday. I’m already a big fan of your blog, so we want to bring you in, show you around a bit, and talk some more about your plans for covering the tour… and beyond. Can you make it?”
Beyond shitting my pants to sheer panic. “Uh, sure. Monday? Where are you located?”
“We’re not too far from AT&T Park. I know you are headed to Ventura next—”
“San Francisco? Yeah. I’ll figure out a way to get there.”
“Great. We can order you a car and put you up at a hotel if you need—”
“No, that’s okay. I can manage. Can you send me the information? Like your address and a time? I don’t have anything to write with at the moment.”
“No problem. I have your email. It will be great meeting you in person. Monique had great things to say about you, and we think you just might be what we’re looking for to head up our social justice department.”
“Wow, thank you.” Holy shit. That was way more than coming to work with the magazine. They were talking big things, and Krish hadn’t even written a word for them yet. “I appreciate the opportunity to meet with you.”
“Awesome. So, we’ll see you Monday. Around ten sound good?”
Shit. Shit. Shit. “I’ll be there.”
They exchanged more thank-yous and hung up. Krish expected to look down and see his rib cage opened and his innards sprayed all over the ground. Instead he nearly dropped his phone, his hands were shaking so bad.
“You all right?”
He spun around and his phone went flying. Brains stood a couple of feet away and glared at Krish. He bent and retrieved Krish’s phone and handed it to him.
“Yeah. Um… I’m fine. Great.”
Brains frowned at him. “San Francisco? I thought you lived in San Diego.”
Oh fuck. “Uh, yeah I do. I, um… have to meet someone in San Francisco. On Monday.”
Brains cocked his head to the side. “Hey, I don’t want to sound like a dick or anything, but I really hope you aren’t fucking around with Silas. He’s one of my best friends, and he doesn’t deserve that shit. You understand what I’m saying?”
Krish backed up a step. Brains had seemed so mild-mannered at his workshop, almost like the absentminded professor. Right now, dressed all in black, staring Krish down with a cool, almost cold expression, he looked like an enforcer. His dyed-black hair was short and styled in a faux hawk that made him look dangerous. He was a little shorter than Krish, but he had broad, muscled shoulders from years of playing drums, and the look he gave Krish made his hands clammy. He swallowed hard.
“I would never—I’m not trying to hurt anybody. Silas is special.”
Brains crossed his arms over his chest as Los joined them.
“What’s going on?”
Brains lifted his chin in Krish’s direction. “Our new friend here is going to meet someone in San Francisco on Monday.”
Los mirrored his pose, and Krish seriously felt he was facing the Inquisition.
“Who’s in San Francisco?” Los asked with even more attitude than Brains.
“I have a job interview,” Krish said, praying they didn’t ask for what.
“I thought you taught music lessons,” Los said. “Were you lying about that too?”
“I wasn’t lying about anything,” Krish said. He really wished Silas would come back so they could all talk like rational people. “I do teach music lessons. This is for a different job.”
“Oh, right.” Los made a disgusted face and spit on the ground.
“Yeah, well, Silas doesn’t need any more drama in his life right now,” Brains said.
Krish took another step back. Were they seriously about to throw down to protect their friend?
“Hey, Krish,” Jake said as he came up and put his forehead on Krish’s shoulder. “It’s so hot. It’s already like almost eighty, and it’s barely noon. How you guys can be wearing all this black shit in this heat is beyond me.” He looked around with a confused look on his face. “Where’s Silas?”
“He’s in a meeting with our manager. He’s probably going to be a while. Maybe you guys should go watch the show or something,” Los said.
Jake blanched. “What crawled up your dick this morning?”
“Jake,” Krish said, urging him to start walking. “Maybe we should just go.”
“Go where?”
Silas came off the bus, and immediately Los and Brains lost their intimidation stance.
Krish looked between them and Silas. “I’m sorry. You’re busy. I’ll—”
“You’ll what? What the fuck is going on?”
Brains cleared his throat. “We were just—”
“Yeah. I’ll bet. Krish? Can I talk to you for a minute?”
“Sure.”
Krish walked off with Silas and felt the daggers being stared into his back. Silas led him over to the motor home where their crew was staying.
“The crew is off getting lunch. I wanted to have some time alone with you before things get crazy this afternoon.”
Silas ushered Krish in first and shut the door behind them.
“It’s okay. I wanted to talk to you—”
Silas pushed Krish onto the couch and nailed him with a forceful kiss that knocked all thoughts out of Krish’s head. Silas was much more aggressive than last night or even this morning. He slid his hands into Krish’s hair and pulled his head back, just as he’d done before, but this time it felt so much more intense.
“I know it sounds insane to say this after such a short time, but I’m really into you. I feel like there’s something here. Do you? I mean—”
“Silas, I feel it too. But—”
“I know. It’s fucked-up. We’re on the road. We’re in a fucking fishbowl. I don’t know what this all means, I just know you mean something. This means something. And I want to see you.”
Krish smiled. “I want that too.”
Silas kissed Krish again, but he was shaking. Krish pulled back, worried the kiss was about something else.
“Are you okay? Is everything—”
“Yeah, I…. God, everything’s so crazy right now, and I want to get lost for a bit. You said you could get lost in me, Krish. Let’s get lost.”
Krish gripped Silas’s arms and leaned away. “Hey, what happened?”
Silas slumped a little and exhaled. “I did an interview, and all the douche wanted to talk about was Gavin. It’s like some of these fucking people only care about us because Gavin killed himself. We’re a band. We make music, and we suffered a loss, but at the end of the day, we’re fucking artists and our art should be what matters, right?”
“Of course it is. They’re curious, though, your fans. I’m sure. They want to know you’re okay. And then there are the well-meaning amateur therapists who—”
“Wait. What did you say?”
Shit. He’d just quoted himself. From the blog. Time was up.
“Silas. I need to tell you something.”
Silas sat back and a veil descended over his face, cutting off the smile Krish loved. In its place was a look Krish couldn’t describe as anything other than hurt. Betrayal.
“Go ahead.”
This was it. He’d tell Silas, and Silas would tell him to fuck off. Whatever could have been was done, all because Krish was too much of an idiot to come clean sooner. How the hell did he expect to get close to Silas and not tell him? Maybe because he’d never dreamed any of this would happen. The dream turned nightmare.
“I… I’m sorry Silas. I didn’t tell you everything. I should have told you.”
Silas laughed humorlessly. “Yeah, you should have if it’s this big of a deal that you can’t even get it out.” He got up off the couch and moved across the RV from Krish.
“I know, and I’m sorry. I never thought…. No. No excuses. I should have told you when you first asked me. I’m not a reporter, not yet. But I do write.”
Silence hung in the air like a tangible threat. Silas stared at him for a moment, and crossed his arms just like Brains and Los had outside.
“The Guru.”
Krish nodded and dropped his head low like the defeated loser he was. “My last name is Guruvayoor, like the temple in India. My brother always told me I was like a little old wise man and he called me the Guru. When I started the blog, it sort of stuck. I didn’t say anything because I didn’t…. No one knows who I am except Jake. And I guess the people on my bus. I didn’t want you to think I was after a story or something, and I didn’t know how you’d feel after all I’ve written about the band. I never dreamed you’d even read any of it. I… I didn’t want to do anything to hurt you.”
Silas said nothing, his face blank. It would be stupid to assume that Silas might have said, “Oh well, it’s okay. I understand.” But zero affect wasn’t what Krish thought he’d get. He’d rather Silas threw something at him, screamed at him. Hell, they’d just been super intimate, and Krish had been keeping a huge secret. Krish felt like the lowest form of shit on the planet.
He stood up after several long minutes of Silas’s muteness. Somehow that shook Silas out of his stupor.
“Well, it was great finally meeting you.” Silas pushed past him and reached for the door.
“Silas,” Krish said to stop his exit, but then he had no idea what to say.
Silas gave him his best fake smile. “I’ll see you around.”
And then he was gone.